“What on Earth are you doing out here in the rain, Helen?”
She veered under the overhang. “Morning, Sammy. I'm walking. You have a cap for me today?”
He tilted his head. “A hat. You're soaked to the skin already. You think a cap will help now? Snow's coming, you know.”
“Exactly. Give me one of those green ones you had out the other day.”
He eyed her carefully, trying to decide if this bit of business was meant in sincerity. “You got a ten on you?”
“No, but I'll have it tomorrow.”
Sammy shrugged and dug out a green hat sporting a red-and-yellow parrot on its bill. He handed it over with a smile, playing the salesman's role now. “It'll look great with that yellow dress. Nothing quite so appealing as a woman wearing a hatâdress or pants, rain or shine, it don't matter. It's the hat that counts.”
She pulled it on. “Thanks, Sammy,” she said and turned up the sidewalk. Truth be told, she did it for him. What good would a hat do her? Although now that she had stretched it over her head, the bill did keep the drizzle from her eyes. “Glory!”
The horizon fizzled and crackled with lightâshe could feel it more than see it with her eyes, but it was real just the same. And she knew that if she could reach up there and pull those clouds aside she'd find one giant electrical storm flooded with laughter.
Helen walked on toward the turnaround point, toward the horizon, toward that sputtering light beyond what Homer or Sammy saw. If anybody was watching her on a regular basis they would notice that today her pace was brisker than usual. Her arms swung more determinedly. On any other day she might look like a crazy old woman with outdated fashion sensibilities, out for a walk. Today she looked like an ancient bag lady who'd clearly lost her mindâmaybe with a death wish, soaked to the bone, marching nowhere.
Helen walked on, humming now. She stabbed the air with her white Reeboks, stopping on occasion to pump her fist and blurt out a word.
“Glory.”
KENT DROVE to the liquor store at three in the afternoon, two hours after he had awakened and discovered he had only half a bottle of tequila left. He had decided it would be with booze and a bullet that his world would end, and half a bottle was not enough. He would drink himself into a state just this side of comatose, place the barrel of the nine-millimeter to his temple, and pull the trigger. It would be like pulling an aching tooth from society's jaws. Just enough anesthetic to numb the nerve endings and then rip the rotting thing out. Except it was his life decaying, not just some bony incisor.
He navigated the streets in a daze, peering lethargically past the drizzle. Sleet and the occasional snowflake mixed with the rain. The sky loomed dark and ominous. Decay was in the air.
He bought three bottles of the best tequila Tom's Liquor sold and tipped Tommy three hundred dollars.
“You sure? Three hundred dollars?” The man stood there with the bills fanned out, offering them back as if he thought they might be contagious.
“Keep it,” Kent said and walked out of the store. He should have brought a couple hundred
thousand
from his mattress stash for the tip. See what Tommy would say to that. Or maybe he'd give the rest of the money to the priest. If he could
find
a priest to hear him. One final act of reconciliation for Gloria's sake. For Helen's sake.
He drove back to the apartment and pulled out the pistol. He'd shot it into the dead body at the bank a few timesâthree times actually,
blam, blam, blam
â so he wasn't terribly surprised to find six bullets in the nine-round clip. But it would only be one
blam
this time. He felt the cold steel and played with the safety a few times, checking the action, thinking small thoughts like,
I wonder if the guy who invented safeties is dead. Yes, he's dead and his whole family is dead. And now he's going to kill me. Sort of.
Kent turned off all the lights and opened the drapes. The red numbers on the clock radio read 3:12. Snow now drifted silently past his window. The earth was dying slowly, begging him to join her.
It's time to lie down, Kent.
Yes, I will. As soon as I confess.
But why confess?
Because it seems decent.
You're going to blow your brains against the wall by the bed over there! What does decent have to do with that?
I want to. I want to tell a priest that I stole twenty million dollars. I want to tell him where to find it. Maybe he can use it.
You're a fool, Kent!
Yes, I know. I'm sick, I think.
You are human waste.
Yes, that's what I am. I'm human waste.
He backed to the bed and opened a bottle. The fiery liquid ran down his throat like fire, and he took a small measure of comfort in the knowledge that he was going to stop feeling soon.
He sat on the bed for an hour, trying to consider things, but the considering part of him had already gone numb. His eyes had dried of their earlier tears, like ancient abandoned wells. He was beginning to wonder if that voice that had called him human waste was right about blowing off the confession. Maybe he should stick to blowing off his head. Or maybe he should find a churchâsee if they even heard confessions of a dying man on dark wintry afternoons.
He dragged out the phone book and managed to find a listing of Catholic churches. Saint Peter's Cathedral. Ten blocks down Third Street.
Kent found himself on the road driving past the darkened cathedral thirty minutes later. The sign out front stated that confessions were heard until 7 P.M. each night, excluding Saturdays, but the dark stained-glass windows suggested the men of God had made an early retreat. Kent thought perhaps the sign should read,
“Confessions heard daily from 12:00 to 7:00 except on dark wintry days that depress everyone including priests who are really only men dressed in long black robes to earn their living. So give us all a break and go home, especially if you are suicidal. Don't bother us with your dying. Dying people are really just human waste. Priests are just ordinary people, and dying people are human waste.”
But that would hardly fit on the placard.
The thought drifted through his mind like wisps of fog, and it was gone almost before he realized he'd thought it. He decided he might come back later to see if the lights had been turned on.
Kent went back to his dark apartment and sat on the edge of his bed. The tequila went down smoothly now, not burning so much. It was five o'clock.
THE BUDDHA-BELLY fountain came and went, and Helen did not stop.
It was as simple as that. She had passed the fountain at 11 A.M., and every other day she had turned around at the four-hour mark, but today she didn't want to turn around. She wanted to keep walking.
She could hear the water gurgling a full block before coming up on Mr. Buddha, and the impulse struck her then.
Keep walking, Helen.
I'm four hours from home if I turn now. I should keep walking?
Just keep right on walking.
Past the fountain? To where?
Past the fountain. Straight ahead.
Until when?
Until it's time to stop.
And how will I know that?
You will know. Just walk.
So she had.
That first step beyond her regular turning point felt like a step into the deep blue. Her heart raced, and her breathing thickened, but now it was not due to light spilling from the seams. This time it was from fear. Just plain, old-fashioned fear.
Certain facts presented themselves to her with convincing authority. Like the fact that every step she took west was one more step she would have to repeat later, headed east. Like the fact that it was now starting to snow, just like the weatherman had forecasted, and she wore only a thin jacket that had been soaked before the rain turned to snow. Like the fact that she was a lady in her sixties, marching off in a storm toward a black horizon. Like the fact that she did indeed look ridiculous in these tall, red-striped socks and wet, dirtied running shoes. In general, like the simple fact that she had clearly graduated from the ridiculous to the absurd.
Still she walked on, fighting the thoughts. Her legs did not seem to mind, and that was a good thing. Although they could hardly know that she was taking them farther from their home instead of closer. The first hour of walking into the cold, wind-blown snow had been perhaps the hardest hour Helen had lived in her sixty-plus years. Actually, there was no
perhaps
about it; nothing had been so difficult. She found herself sweating despite the cold. The incredible joy she'd felt when first walking a few hours earlier had faded into the gray skies above.
Still, she had placed one foot in front of the other and plodded on.
The light returned at three. Helen was in midstride when her world turned. When her eyes snapped open and she saw clearly again. That was exactly what happened. Heaven did not open up to herâ
she
opened up to heaven. Perhaps it had taken these last four hours of walking blindly without the carrots of heaven dangling out in front to set her mind straight.
Either way, her world turned, midstride, and she landed her foot and froze. A crackle of light stuttered behind the walls of gray in her mind. Tears sprang to her eyes like a swelling tide. She remained still, her legs scissored on the sidewalk like a girl playing hopscotch. Her shoulders shook with sobs.
“Oh thank you, Father! Thank you!” She moaned aloud, overcome by the relief of the moment. “I knew you were there. I knew it!” Then the joy came, like a tidal wave right up through her chest, and she squeezed her hands into fists.
Just walk, Helen. Walk on.
It's been more than eight hours. It's getting dark.
Walk.
She needed no further urging.
I will walk.
She broke into a long stride.
One, two. One, two.
For a moment she thought her heart might burst with the exhilaration that now throbbed through her chest.
One, two. One, two. I will walk on. I will walk on.
Helen strode down the sidewalk, through the strange neighborhood, toward the ominous horizon, swinging her arms like some marching soldier on parade. Snowflakes lay like cotton on her green hat and clung in lumps to her hair. She left footprints in the light snow covering the sidewalk.
Goodness, just wait until I tell Bill about this, she thought. “I just kept going, Bill, because I knew it was what he wanted. Did I consider the possibility that I had lost my mind? Sure I did. But still I knew, and he showed me just enough to keep me knowing. I just walked.”
Helen had walked another five blocks when the first pain shot up her right thigh.
She had not felt pain during weeks of walking. Now she felt the distinct sensation of pain, sharp and fleeting but unmistakable. Like a fire streaking through the femur toward her hip and then gone.
She gasped and pulled up, clutching her thigh, terrified. “Oh, God!” It was all she could say for a moment.
Walk.
Walk? Her jaw still gaped wide in shock. She rocked back on her good leg. I just had a leg cramp. I had pain! I'm twenty miles from home, and it's ending. It's over!
Walk.
The impulse came strong.
Helen closed her mouth slowly and swallowed. She gazed about, saw that the street was clear of gawkers, and gingerly placed weight back on her right leg. The pain had gone.
Helen walked again, tentatively at first but then with gaining confidence. For another five blocks she walked. And then the pain flared through her femur again, sharper this time.
She gasped aloud and pulled up. “Oh, God!” Her knee quivered with the trauma.
Walk. Just keep walking.
“This is pain I'm feeling down here!” she growled angrily. “You are pulling your hand away from me! Oh God, what's happening?”
Walk, child. Just walk. You will see.
She walked. Halting at first until she realized the pain had left, as before.
It roared back with a vengeance six blocks later. This time Helen hardly stopped. She limped for ten yards, mumbling prayers through gritted teeth, before finding sudden relief.
The pain came every five blocks or so, first in her right leg and then in her left leg, and after an hour, in both legs simultaneously. A sharp, shooting pain right up each bone for half a dozen steps and then gone for a few blocks only to return like clockwork. It was as if her legs were thawing after months in the deep freeze and a thousand miles of pain was slowly coming due. Each time she cried out to God, her face twisted in pain. Each time he spoke to her quietly.
Walk. Walk, child.
Each time she put her foot forward and walked on into the falling darkness.
Three things contributed to her relentless journey despite its apparent madness. First was that quiet voice whispering through her skull.
Walk, child.
Second was the lightâit had not fled. The blackening skies crackled with light in her mind, and she could not ignore that.
The third thought that propelled her forward was the simple notion that this might very well be the end.
The
end. Maybe she
was
meant to walk right up to the horizon of heaven and enter glory. Like Enoch. There might not be a flaming chariot to whisk her away. That had been Elijah's treat. No, with Helen it would be the long walk home. And that was fine by her.
Glory!
The sun left the city dark by five-thirty. An occasional car hissed by, but the early storm had left the streets quiet. Helen limped on into the black night, biting her lower lip, mumbling against the voices that mocked her.
Walk, child. Walk on.
And she did walk on. By six o'clock both legs were hurting without relief. The soles of her feet felt as though they might have caught fire. She could distinctly imagine, if not actually hear, the bones in her knees grinding with each step. Her hips joined in the protest soon after. What began as a dull ache around her upper thighs quickly mushroomed to sharp pangs of searing pain throughout her legs.
Walk, child. Walk on.