The Hit List (28 page)

“That was better, but I can still feel the tension in this room. It’s not the right kind of tension. Let’s try a new lift that’ll be in your next dance. Come stand over here, Sadie in front.”

I do as I’m told, but make sure to leave a lot of space between us.

“Closer,” Miss Tasha says, pushing us together.

I stumble backward into Luke’s chest. I can feel his warm breath on my neck. His hands close on my hips to keep me from falling. I push them off when I’ve regained my balance. I can see the hurt expression briefly cross his face in the mirror, but I don’t really care. It’s not real anyway, just another part of his act.

“I’m just trying to help,” he says.

“I don’t need your help.”

Miss Tasha seems to be ignoring the interaction. “Luke, you’re going to lift her by the waist over your head. Sadie, you’re going to kick your right leg up into a split as he lifts you to help with the momentum. Once you’re completely upside down over his head, I want you to put your hands on his waist for balance. Stay in that position for five seconds then Luke, you can slowly help her over and Sadie, you’ll land behind him on both feet. Understand?”

We nod at her in unison. A new lift is definitely something I don’t want to try with him right now, but I don’t really seem to have any other options at this point.

She smiles at us. “Good. Let’s try this.”

I take a deep breath as Luke’s hands close around my hips again.

“Ready?” he asks.

I catch his gaze in the mirror and nod again.

He gives my hips a quick squeeze and I jump. My legs move effortlessly into a split and in a second, I’m above his head with my hands on his waist. I start counting in my head.

One.

It’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I close my eyes and focus on the numbers. I can get through this. I can stay here for five seconds.

Two.

His fingers dig into my hips as he tries to hold me steady and keep both of us from toppling over. It reminds me of the lift that almost landed me on an operating table and ended my career. A shiver races through my body, radiating outward from his touch. Every muscle in my body tenses as I try to remain still. Any more movements and he’ll drop me. Just like Patrick.

Three.

Tears prick my eyes at the memory of our last real conversation. His hurtful words. That he’d never meant to treat me like I was special, that he was only trying to get me to trust him. My body shakes and my hips turn slightly in his grip. Just like Patrick.

Calm down. Calm down. Calm down
.

Four.

He loses control as soon as my hips turn. I feel myself falling, but everything’s in slow motion. The way my hands are positioned on his waist gives me no ability to catch myself. Terror pools in my stomach at not being able to stop the movement. My back slides down Luke.

Five.

His hand closes briefly around my ankle as he tries to catch me and he twists his body to keep me safe, but it’s not quick enough and my ankle slips right through his grip. I throw my arms out to catch myself, squeezing my eyes shut.

Another pair of hands grabs me, fingers closing around my arm and digging into my waist. I land on my right foot, my left foot losing grip on the floor and sliding underneath me. The hands lower me to the floor gently.

When I open my eyes, Miss Tasha stands in front of me, breathing heavy. She reaches out a hand to help me up.

I grab it and pull myself onto my feet. “Thanks.”

“Are you okay?” Miss Tasha looks worried.

“Yeah.”

No. I’m freaking the fuck out. That could’ve been really bad and it only proves that I can’t do this with him. I glance over at Luke. I’m pissed at myself for losing control, but I’m more pissed at him for making me this way in the first place. I glare up at him.

“This is why I can’t partner with you, okay? I don’t trust you anymore.” He’s hurt me beyond what Patrick ever did. At least Patrick didn’t try to hide the fact that he didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. Luke lies straight to my face instead of talking about the issue.

Luke looks like I punched him in the face. “I’m sorry,” he says, backing away from us.

Miss Tasha pats me on the shoulder as she walks past me. “Take a water break. Walk it off. We’ll try again in ten minutes.”

Adam and Brielle sit on her bed when I open the door. Her laptop is open in front of her. They both stare at me.

“You look rough. What happened?” Brielle asks.

“Luke.” And every other bad thing in my life that feels like popping up into my consciousness today.

She nods as if no further explanation is needed.

I stretch out on my bed, wishing I could just go to sleep. I don’t have to think about all these confusing feelings when I’m sleeping.

“Okay, so what about Nathan or Brandon?” Adam asks.

“What are you talking about?” I turn toward them.

“The Hit List.”

I stare at them. “About who’s running it?”

Brielle glares at me. “Duh. They’re not on the list, are they?”

It would make sense for either Nathan or Brandon to be behind it. They’re both jerks who feel like they can do whatever they want to the girls in their life. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that either had forced something on a girl.

Brielle scrolls down further. “Ooh, what about…?”

I look up at her, waiting for her to finish, but she’s staring at her computer like she broke something. “Who?”

She bites her lip. “Luke.”

I frown. We’ve been over this before. “It’s not Luke.”

Even with everything he’s put me through, I still don’t believe it’s him. He’s had ample opportunity to try to have sex with me. And there wouldn’t have been a point to him fighting with me if he were still trying to get me to sleep with him. He would have to know that he’s ruined all chance of that ever happening.

He wouldn’t do this. It would violate every ounce of trust I’ve ever placed in him, and he has proved that he wants that much, at least. Regardless of how other people seem to think he is, he’s shown me that he isn’t capable of such a terrible thing. He’s worked so hard with me over the past few months to help me get used to dancing with him. Someone who has the brains to come up with a sex game doesn’t strike me as a person who cares about other people’s feelings.

One thing’s for sure—if I knew that he’d created a game that has hurt so many people, there’s no way our relationship could survive. There’s no way that I would ever be able to let him touch me again.

They both stare at me.

“What?” I ask.

Brielle shrugs. “Nothing.” She exchanges a glance with Adam before they go back to reading her computer screen.

As much as he infuriates me, I know Luke wouldn’t do something like this. I sigh, regretting my behavior earlier today. It’s my own fault for thinking he would move past the friend zone with me. I knew he wasn’t the type. He told me so himself.

“So, confession. The Conversatory blog? I kind of know who started it originally, before it got taken over as The Hit List.”

This can either be really good or really bad. “Who?” I ask.

He sighs. “It was Jake. He set it up, but there’s a bunch of people that contribute to it. I doubt he has anything to do with it, but it’s still a little sketchy.”

Brielle gasps and a look of horror crosses her face. “You knew that this whole time and you didn’t say anything? It’s like I don’t even know you.”

“It doesn’t mean he’s behind it. It just means maybe it’s not someone here. It could be anyone in the community that knows the students here.”

“Or it could mean Jake is behind it. That little bitch.” Brielle scrolls through the page on her computer.

Adam shrugs. “I just thought I’d let you guys know.”

Shifting on the bed, I stare up at the ceiling. This opens up a world of possibilities for who could have started the game. People who aren’t Luke.

Luke.

Why does he have to be so frustrating? I hate being angry at him all the time. I know he doesn’t have anything to do with this game. Why is it so hard to let go and trust him?

I roll off the bed. I have to apologize. We can still set this right and dance together. Prove everyone wrong—those who think we can’t, who think I’m less talented than Patrick, who think Luke’s only a name because of his parents.

“Where are you going?” Brielle asks.

“For a walk.”

I need to apologize. From his point of view, I’ve been the jealous girl with a crush for weeks. I’m sure he’s had enough of me, but he’s taken it in stride. He deserves a lot of credit for not freaking out at my crazy attitude. This is right.

I walk through the empty halls, trying to decide what I want to say. I don’t want to fight with him anymore. We need to set everything aside so we can do well in Fall Showcase. As much as it’ll hurt me, I need to let my wall down with him even though I know he won’t return any of my feelings. If I ever want to prove to myself that a guy isn’t going to screw up my dreams, I need to do this for me.

Luke answers the door right away and I breathe a sigh of relief when Nathan isn’t in his room. I don’t want to have this conversation with other people.

He stares at me and I have to look away so I can arrange my thoughts.

“Look, I’m sorry. You don’t deserve to be forced to dance with a new partner this close to Fall Showcase.”

“I understand why you wanted to work with someone else. This hasn’t been easy.”

I pick at my fingernail, unable to meet his eyes. It doesn’t help that he isn’t being a jerk. Nice Luke is more unsettling than when he’s an ass. “I’m sure it hasn’t been easy for you either.”

He laughs. “What are we doing, Sadie?”

I glance up at him, a humorless smile on my face. I don’t even know. I’ve been stumbling along since I got to The Conservatory. Dancing with Luke, falling for Luke, has thrown me for a loop and I’ve been struggling to stay above water for a long time. “I’m just trying to survive. What are you doing?”

He looks straight into my eyes. “I’m trying not to fall in love with you.”

I don’t know if I can say it back. I know he doesn’t expect it, but he deserves it. All the hell I’ve put him through, all the struggles we’ve had, he deserves the real me. He deserves the truth on my terms.

“Truth or dare,” I ask.

He doesn’t move. “Truth.”

“I hated you when I met you. I tried to go into it with no judgments after all the things Brielle said about you. But you were an obnoxious dick. Not because you were actually annoying. Because I needed to find a flaw in you.”

He flinches at my words. It’s harsh, but I need him to understand where I’ve been coming from the past few months. I need him to understand what it’s been like, why it’s so important that I trust him.

I know this isn’t how the game works, but I don’t care. He’s been vulnerable with me so many times.

It’s my turn.

“Truth or dare,” I say again.

“Truth.” His voice shakes.

“You’re the only person who’s cared enough to try to figure me out, and I am so grateful for that. Because of that, I can dance with you.” I shake my head, a tear falling down my cheek. “But I can’t dance with anyone else. Because I only trust you.”

My wall has done an excellent job of keeping people out since Patrick left. And maybe that means that none of them were worth it. Maybe my heart had been waiting for Luke all along.

“Truth or dare.”

“Truth.”

I take a deep breath. This one will be the hardest. “I didn’t come here expecting to fall for you. I wanted a fresh start, and I hated that you stood in my way of that. But I’ve realized something. You
are
my fresh start. If I hadn’t come here, if I hadn’t met you, I don’t know if I would have trusted anyone ever again.”

Luke and Patrick used to be similar people in my mind. But they’re not. Patrick was cold and selfish, only caring about himself in the end. Despite all the times I’ve pushed Luke away, he’s proven that he’ll always be here for me, no matter what.

I brace myself for the last one. “Truth or dare.”

His hands are gripped so tight, his knuckles turn white. “Truth.”

Tears stream down my face. “I want you to kiss me. I want you to kiss me and tell me you don’t feel anything. Because I know you do, and neither of us deserves that lie.”

He’s off the bed and standing in front of me before my brain can register the movement. His hands find my face and his thumbs wipe the tears away. He holds me there until I can’t stand another second and I push up on my toes, closing the gap between us.

His lips are soft against mine and I can taste the salt from my tears as they fall. His hands slide off my face and find my waist, pulling me closer to him. My arms wrap around his neck and I thread one hand through his hair, holding him to me.

And I can feel it. Every single feeling he’s ever denied. Every feeling I’ve told myself I didn’t have. I can feel it in the kiss. The pain when we fight, the fear that we believe some of the things we’ve told each other, the hurt when we thought we were losing each other, the love that’s been hidden until now.

I pull away, resting my forehead on his chest.

He rubs his hand up and down my back. “Truth or dare.”