The Hit List (29 page)

I take a deep breath, not sure if I’m ready to hear what he has to say. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it if he says he still doesn’t want a relationship.

“Truth.”

His hand covers mine and he places it over his chest. “I love you.”

THE HIT LIST UPDATE

November 2

I realize I just updated this today, but I have more to say. You all know how I feel about anonymity. It wouldn’t be fair to only out the girls on our list. So here is the list of participating Hitters. Oh, I’m sorry, you thought you were safe collecting points? Bummer.

Nathan Roberts

Brandon Lancaster

Henry Davis

Jordan Young

Brent Finley

Aidan Moore

Paul Lopez

Mark Sullivan

John Hicks

Bryce Mitchell

Jack Hamilton

Dan Boyd

Max Tucker

Sam Chapman

Ryan Mason

Tyler Pierce

Noah Porter

Alex Shaw

Luke Morrison

The game is still on. Good luck to our Hitters now that their identities have been revealed. Happy hitting!

~
THE HIT MAN

20

I lay on Luke’s bed, my head on his chest. He traces patterns on my arm with his fingertip.

I could lie here with him all day. Actually, that’s most of what I’ve been doing for the past two days, ever since he told me he loved me. We go to class, meet up for rehearsal, and then just hang out. It’s nice to finally have a happy streak with Luke. We deserve it.

“We should probably try to squeeze in some extra rehearsal since we’ve been slacking the last week,” I say, shifting my head so I can look at him.

He shrugs. “We know the steps. We’ll be fine.”

I snuggle into his chest. He’s probably right.

The door opens and Nathan walks in, throwing his bag on the bed. “Hey, love birds.”

I sit up. “That’s my cue to leave.”

Luke walks me to the door. “I’ll swing by later. We can go rehearse,” he says, raising his eyebrows on the word “rehearse.” “Do you have a studio reserved?”

I laugh at his suggestion. “I always have a studio reserved.” I push him back into the room, but he grabs my arm, pulling me with him, and kisses me.

It’s hard to believe that everything’s changed so quickly. We were at each other’s throats a few days ago. I’m glad I was able to be honest with him. I needed it for me and for our dancing.

I walk back to my dorm room, excited about the chance to dance with Luke for the first time since I’ve been here. I’m confident about Fall Showcase. We’re going to do amazing, I can feel it. As long as we can keep being honest with each other.

Brielle sits at her desk when I walk through the doors. “Have you seen this new Hit List post?” Her voice sounds worried and a little angry.

I’m so sick of that stupid game. “No, why? Is someone new winning this week? Big deal.”

“It doesn’t say who’s winning. It’s the name of the guys who are playing.”

“Seriously?” I lean on the back of her chair so I can read over the post.

Her hands fly to the computer screen. “I don’t think you want to see this.”

I pull them back. “I’m going to see it eventually.”

“Okay.” She chews on her lip.

I read through the post. A few names stand out at me. Brandon. Nathan. Several of the names are guys in some of my non-dance classes. A few I recognize from other departments. A few I expected to see aren’t there. Like James. I remember when he asked me out a couple months ago. I guess he wasn’t playing, after all.

My hand slips off the back of the chair when I read the last name on the list. Luke Morrison.

“Oh, my God.”

“My thoughts exactly,” she says.

All the times he’s said he wasn’t playing, that I had nothing to worry about, that he wouldn’t let anyone hurt me. It was all a lie. He’s been playing the entire time. This whole time I’ve been worried about every other guy on campus when he was the one I needed to worry about. He’s the one who has the power to hurt me the most.

And he has hurt me. How are we supposed to recover from this? How are we supposed to dance at Fall Showcase when I know he’s been using me for the last three months? He never wanted this to work. He just wanted to get some points in a fucking game.

“Oh, my God,” I repeat. The walls start to close around me and I’m forced to sit on the floor so I don’t pass out.

This cannot be happening. Not when things finally started going right. Not when I learned how to let go. Not after I’m happy. I deserve to be happy, dammit.

Brielle’s computer dings again.

“Is that another post?” I ask.

“No, it’s an email from Miss Catherine.” She opens it into full screen so I can read it too.

The faculty has recently become aware of a blog game called The Hit List circulating around The Conservatory. Let this serve as a warning. Any future involvement will result in immediate expulsion. If you have any information about the person responsible for posting this game, please contact me immediately
.

-Miss Catherine

“Wonderful.” Brielle closes her email. “Took her long enough to get interested, but at least she’s doing something.”

“Yeah. Maybe it’ll stop now.”

She snorts. “I doubt that.” She pulls her dance bag out of the closet. “I’m over this. I’m going to work out.”

“Okay.” I stare up at the ceiling, feeling like our small school has started to fall apart.

Any time a bunch of performing arts kids are grouped together there’s bound to be drama, so I expected something. But I never thought I’d be part of a sex scandal. And I’d never thought the guy I finally fell for would turn out to be just like Patrick.

Someone knocks on the door. I don’t feel like talking to anyone right now. It’s probably Adam looking for Brielle anyway.

“Sadie, it’s Luke. Please open the door.”

Absolutely not. I don’t ever want to see him again.

His voice is softer when he speaks again. “Please let me explain. Then you don’t have to talk to me again. I’ll leave you alone.”

I roll my eyes and slide off the bed. Whatever he has to say can’t possibly hurt me anymore than what I’ve read. I pull the door open.

Luke looks surprised when I open the door. His hair sticks up all over the place, like he’s been running his hands through it nonstop.

“What do you want?” I cross my arms over my chest and lean against the doorframe to block his entrance. I might not have the strength to kick him out once he comes in. It’s easier to keep him in the hallway.

“I just want to talk to you.” He looks up and down the hallway. “But I’d rather not do it out here in the open.”

I need to be strong. Just because I let him in doesn’t mean I can’t shove him out again. I’ll give him a chance to explain. I’ll dance with him at Fall Showcase because I don’t have any other choice. And then I’ll cut him out of my life.

I push the door open with my foot and walk farther into my room. He follows me and shuts the door behind us. I sit down on my bed. He stands as far away as possible, like he’s afraid I’ll lash out at him.

I’m sick of the silence. “What did you want to tell me?”

He crosses the room and pulls me up. His lips crash into mine before I have a chance to move away. His arm winds behind my back. I couldn’t pull away from him even if I wanted to. And I don’t want to.

The next words out of his mouth are going to ruin my life. I don’t want to feel anything but hate for him, but I can’t seem to hang onto the feeling. The second he touches me, I remember every single reason why I like him.

He’s brought me so far since September. I wouldn’t go back to that place if I had the chance. Back to the girl who couldn’t trust anyone, who didn’t have any friends, who couldn’t dance with a partner. Not only am I a better dancer because of Luke, I’m a better person.

If our relationship has been a lie, does that mean my progress has been a lie? What if I go back to how I was before I met Luke? It will be like the last three months never even happened. The only difference will be my resolve to never let my wall down again.

I let my guard down. I convinced myself I could trust someone again. I put my heart out there only for it to get stomped on. And it got me nowhere.

Lesson fucking learned.

I lean back away from him. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep letting him in.

He scrubs his hand over his face. “You’re going to hate me after I tell you this.”

“You’re not doing a lot for my confidence in you right now.” I step away from him.

Being close to Luke increases my probability of forgiveness. I can’t do that to myself this time. I need to put my heart first. I need to protect it from the harsh reality of life.

People always leave. And usually they take my heart with them.

“I don’t know who is behind it now, but I started The Hit List. The piece of paper you found was part of what I printed when I was going to bring it to my mom. But then I decided to try to figure out who was behind it myself.”

My heart collides with my lungs at his words. I don’t know how to breathe. I don’t know how to survive.

“What?” My voice comes out a whisper.

He can’t be serious. He can’t actually think I’m going to sit here and listen to this. I can’t handle it.

“Two years ago, I came up with a game. I was here all the time and no one would have guessed it was me. I wasn’t actually a student then. I was seventeen and dumb and I wish I could take it back, but I can’t.” He shifts closer to me. His eyes are glossy. Somehow that makes it hurt more.

“What?” I’m louder this time. My voice doesn’t betray me with its sadness.

It was his fault. Everything that’s happened this semester with this game, all the issues he’s created within the school, it was all him.

“I’m sorry. I swear I wanted it to stop. I was a stupid kid when I started it and I’ve grown up a lot since then. I told everyone I wouldn’t be doing it again. But someone took my game and my rules and put them online for everyone to get involved.”

Like that somehow makes it better. Never mind the fact that if he hadn’t created it in the first place, we wouldn’t even be in this situation now.

“That doesn’t explain why you were playing.” Tears hover on the edge of my eyelids. I don’t want to believe he has the power to do something so cruel. I wipe them away viciously. He doesn’t deserve my tears.

He steps toward me again, but I hold my hand out to keep the distance between us. “I was trying to figure out who hijacked the game. All the girls this year were on it before. Except you. I thought if I got close to some of them, I might be able to figure out who was running it.”

It sounds like someone trying to back their way out of a hole. He got caught and now he’s trying to justify everything.

I back up against the wall and fold my arms over my chest. “That’s a lame excuse.”

“I know. But it’s the truth.” He steps back further away from me. “Sadie, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you, but you have to believe that everything that happened between us was real.”

As real as what I had with Patrick.

I laugh bitterly. “You’re joking, right? You have to be joking.”

“Please,” he pleads with me. Tears shine in his eyes.

I bet those tears have worked on girls before.

“Nothing between you and me has been real, Luke. You’ve been lying since day one. You can’t build a relationship based on a lie.”

“I wanted to protect you.” His voice is barely above a whisper.

Something about it pisses me off. Maybe because it sounds like he’s trying to come off like the victim when he’s anything but.

“Did you ever think that maybe I didn’t need that kind of protection?” I yell. “I don’t need you, Luke. I was doing just fine on my own until you came and screwed everything up.” I stare down at the floor so he doesn’t see my lip tremble. The tears will spill over soon and I don’t want him here to see it.

“I’m sorry.”

I don’t look up at him. “Please leave.”

Silence engulfs the room. I can feel his eyes on me, but I don’t lift my gaze from the floor. My resolve will crumble if I meet his eyes.

His footsteps are quiet as he heads toward the door. The latch of the door catching as it closes is even softer.

I’m alone.

I was wrong. People don’t always leave. You can’t lose something you never had.

21

The studio is quiet tonight. Saturday nights are the best time to venture out because everyone else with a life goes off campus for at least a few hours. I avoided all human contact today, with the exception of Brielle. I haven’t felt like talking to anyone since yesterday. Since Luke crushed my heart.

If anything can help me right now, it’ll be losing myself in the music.

The studio feels emptier than it should. It’s been forever since I’ve been by myself in one. I plug my iPod in and turn on the music, feeling the beat in my chest.

The words move through me, the motion effortless. The music takes me to exactly the place I want to be, clearing my head of all thoughts.

But it doesn’t last.

Luke worms his way into my mind. He started The Hit List, but he wanted to shut it down. He obviously didn’t try hard enough. He could have gone to the faculty. His mom could have permanently shut it down. But he was more concerned with personal revenge.

Why would he think participating would actually protect anyone? He hasn’t done anything to protect me. If anything, he’s created the things I needed protecting from.

He’s an excellent actor. Just like Patrick, he made me believe he was falling for me. I even believed him when he said he loved me. I guess he figured he’d finally be able to sleep with me if he said it.

Something about all of that doesn’t make any sense though. If he really wanted to get points, he could have just gone after other girls. I saw him flirt a lot before I became his exception, but never after. What stopped him? I know the answer, I just don’t want to accept it.

It’s me. I’m his exception. I’m the reason he stopped flirting with other girls. I’m the reason he came clean about his involvement with The Hit List. I’m the reason he took a chance at a relationship, at love.