The Hit List (31 page)

I hate it. It makes me look like a doll.

“Sadie, you’ve got fifteen minutes till you’re up. Put your costume on,” Miss Tasha yells across the room.

I unzip the garment bag and stare at the tiny fabric patches on my costume that will barely cover the essentials. I was supposed to wear this costume with Luke.

Brielle walks up behind me and puts her hand on the small of my back. “Calm down. Take a deep breath.”

I take a deep breath and count to ten in my head.

“You’re going to do fabulous. You just need to start believing that yourself.” She gives me a quick hug and runs back to her station to finish getting ready.

My costume is pretty. The top is equivalent to a bra. A strip of satin fabric runs down the middle of my stomach to connect to my super short skirt that barely falls past the built-in underwear. It’s a gorgeous midnight blue that brings out the blue in my eyes. The whole thing is dotted with sequins.

Miss Tasha walks up behind me as I stare at myself in the mirror. “You look beautiful, Sadie. That costume is amazing.”

“Thanks,” I breathe. My body shakes from nerves. Under any other circumstances, I would love this feeling. The anxiety of performing.

But not today. Today I’m stepping in front of an audience, in front of some of the most important people in the talent industry, and I’m dancing something that isn’t me anymore, that I don’t connect with.

“I’m sorry you can’t do this with Luke.” I hear what she’s really trying to say: “Don’t screw this up and make me look like a fool in front of all these important scouts.”

Miss Tasha leads me out into the wings next to the stage. I watch Adam and Courtney on stage and a spike of jealousy rips through me. If only I’d been able to partner Adam. I would still have a partner right now.

But then I wouldn’t have Luke.

They finish and applause erupts in the auditorium. I take a deep breath. One more dance, less than two minutes, separates me from that stage. The music starts and Rachel and James take the stage from the other side of the auditorium.

I don’t even notice I’m no longer alone in the wings.

“Hey,” the familiar voice says.

My heart jumps in my chest and I turn around to look at him. “Luke, what are you doing here?”

“Miss Catherine took me off probation. Turns out Adam emailed her with proof he knew who ran The Conservatory blog before the game started. She said she doesn’t have any real proof, and she can’t punish me for something she isn’t confident I did.”

I’m grateful to Adam for doing what he did, but I don’t understand why he would. Maybe he felt bad for knowing that Jake created the blog even if he had no idea who was behind The Hit List. Maybe he’s seen how much not dancing with Luke has affected me.

He grabs my hand and leads me onto the stage as soon as Rachel and James exit. I can hear the whispers of confusion from my place on the bench. Luke’s name isn’t in the program.

The music starts and I count out my cue in my head. When it’s time, I launch myself into his arms. It might be the amount of time that’s passed since we last practiced this number or my body coming alive again under his touch, but it feels like he holds me a little tighter, less willing to let my fingers drift though his than he should be.

And when we finally separate, I can sense his every movement around me, as my body counts down the seconds when he’ll touch me again. My emotions bleed into the dance and I’m no longer acting. I feel every word of the music, every tiny movement of my body that conveys even the smallest pain.

I feel everything.

When we get near the end, I can’t help the feeling that comes over me—the need to be so close to him again. I know what we’ve rehearsed, but it’s not the ending I want. It’s not the ending I deserve.

He’s supposed to let go of my hand, let me drift off stage, dejected and hurt. But he must see the change in my eyes because he doesn’t let go. Instead he pulls me back, his hands finding my thighs and wrapping them around his waist. My hands lock behind his head. I refuse to let go.

My forehead rests against his, my lips close to his. And when the lights go out around us, signaling the end of our dance, I press my lips to his, needing him more than anything else in the world in that moment. He walks us into the wings, never breaking contact with my lips, and I know how much he needs this, too. My legs drop from around his waist, but I can’t break away from him yet. Not before I’m convinced his feelings for me are still real.

As soon as I feel his tears against my cheeks, I know.

He pulls away first, leaning his forehead on mine. “Hi,” he says, smiling.

I match his expression. “Hi.”

The lights come on around us and Miss Catherine walks onto the stage. Luke wraps his arm around my waist and rests his head on mine. I’m afraid to move.

“Thank you all for coming to the Los Angeles Conservatory for the Arts Fall Showcase. Let’s hear it again for our performers.” She claps into the microphone.

Applause roars through the space. It’s deafening.

“The next performance will be the last of the evening.” Miss Catherine walks off the opposite side of the stage.

I want to stay and watch Brielle dance, but Luke pulls me through the wings and into the hallways behind the stage.

“Why did you come back?” I pull hard on my hand to remove it from his grasp.

He runs a hand through his hair. “I was almost out of here. I packed up my dorm room, I bought a plane ticket to Miami, and I told my mom I was taking a leave and I’d be back next semester. Maybe.”

“What made you stay?” I can guess, but I want to hear him say it. I chew on my lip to keep it from trembling.

“I made a promise to you once that I would never leave. And I realized there’s a reason you are the way you are. No one has ever proven to you that they won’t do what you expect.”

He’s right. Every single person in my life has eventually done exactly what I expect them to do.

Leave.

But he didn’t. And that’s worth something to me that he’ll never understand.

“I can’t just forget about everything that’s happened.” I stare up at him.

He sighs. “I know. I wouldn’t expect you to.”

We’ve been through a lot of shit since we met. Trust issues, dishonesty, fights, deliberate hatefulness. It’s a lot to overcome. But we’ve also been through happiness, finding comfort, truth, and trust. And that’s too powerful for me to throw away.

Luke isn’t perfect, but he’s never claimed to be. From the first day I met him, he’s been honest about who he is.

I fell for him anyway. Despite what happened with Patrick, despite telling myself I couldn’t, despite his flaws. It was inevitable. He got under my skin and made me care for him.

“I can’t just forget, but I want to start over.”

He looks relieved. “If that’s what you want to do, we can start over.”

“It sounds stupid, but it’s what I want. I want honesty and trust right from the beginning.”

“Anything,” he says.

24

The bass from the party downstairs thumps through the hallway as I walk to my dorm. I want to change into something fancier than the sweatpants I wore to Fall Showcase even though Luke told me I was beautiful in them. I think he’s just worried I won’t come back.

Fall Showcase was better than I ever could have imagined. My life is falling back into place. For once, everything I want and need is in one place. Even through all the struggles, moving to L. A. is the best decision I’ve ever made.

L. A. is home.

My phone buzzes with a new email. I unlock the screen, but accidentally hit the message button. The text from Patrick fills my screen.

How’s L. A.?

This is the first time I haven’t wanted to answer him back with how much I hate it here. I type out a reply.

Better than New York. It’s where I belong
.

I’m done with this. It’s time to let go of the past. A new message pops up on my screen. “
Are you sure you want to delete this contact?”

“Yes,” I whisper, pressing down on the screen.

Goodbye, Patrick.

I push through the door with a smile on my face. Brielle isn’t there, but her computer lights up the room. She must have forgotten to shut it down. I reach to shut the screen, but the open webpage catches my attention.

It’s The Hit List. Again. She has a weird obsession with this game.

The game looks different here. I lean down to angle myself to the screen better. It’s in edit mode. A new post has been started, but so far it’s empty.

Brielle is posting something to The Hit List. But there’s only one reason she would do that.

Oh, my God.

I sink down into the chair, no longer able to hold up my body weight. It was bad enough to think Luke was behind the blog, but Brielle? How could she do this?

The door opens behind me. “I wasn’t sure you would come up here before the party.”

I shove back in the chair to look at her. “What is wrong with you? Why would you do this? You knew I had trust issues, and you put me in a fucking sex game?”

She’s timid and scared. I’m not used to seeing Brielle like this. “I didn’t actually know that when I did it. I just figured everyone already knew who you were so you would make it interesting.”

“That’s not really the point. You can’t go around wrecking people’s lives like this. Think of all the girls you screwed over. People got expelled. Luke almost missed out on Fall Showcase because of you.” I pace next to my bed. I’m afraid of what I’ll do with this negative energy if I stop moving.

“Maybe he should have thought of that before he put me on that fucking list last year,” she yells.

I glance up her. “What do you mean?”

“He put me on The Hit List last year. I thought he liked me, but he just wanted to use me. So I decided I would get him back for it. It wasn’t hard to make people think it was him.”

She’s hurt. She just wants to make someone else hurt, too.

“How could you just sit back and watch me fall for him? You didn’t feel the least bit guilty about that?”

What kind of friend does that? This entire semester has been about revenge for her and somehow she’s managed to hide it from everyone. I’ve lived with her for three months and I had no idea.

A spark of the old Brielle returns to her face and she laughs. “It’s not like I didn’t warn you. I took you out of the game and you had a fucking panic attack because your name got crossed off the list. I even shut down the damn blog, but
that
didn’t work either.”

“Who else knew about this?” She can’t be doing this by herself.

“Do you think I’m dumb enough to tell someone else about this? God, even Adam doesn’t know.”

The Brielle I thought I knew wouldn’t be able to do this. She might have a vindictive streak, but she would never intentionally hurt this many people to get back at one.

“I feel like I don’t know you.”

Tears flood her eyes. They reflect the overhead light. “I’m sorry. Everything got completely out of hand. It was just supposed to be a game. I wanted to make him lose something. The Conservatory was the only thing he cared about before you and I wanted to take that away from him. I never wanted to hurt you or anyone else.”

I believe her. I know what it’s like to feel unwanted. We’re not that different. She made a stupid mistake. Just like Luke.

“I’m sorry you felt like this was the only way.”

She chews on her lip. “Are you going to tell Miss Catherine? I don’t blame you if you do.”

I sigh. I wish this whole thing would just go away. Luke’s probation is over. Miss Catherine isn’t on the manhunt for the person behind the blog anymore. What good would even come from turning Brielle in? She’d get expelled. It won’t erase the past. It won’t make anyone feel better.

“No. But I don’t think I can talk to you for a while.”

She moves to give me space to walk past her on my way to the door. I need to get out of this room and away from her. She speaks again as I pull the door open.

“Sadie?”

I turn back to look at her. A tear runs down her cheek.

“I’m sorry. I would take it back if I could.”

I don’t look at her as I let the door shut behind me.

The after party in the lobby is in full swing with students and teachers from every department.

There are even some talent scouts offering jobs. Miss Catherine walks by me and waves.

I don’t feel much like partying. The only reason I’m here is because I promised Luke I would come back.

The entire first floor of the building is decorated. Streamers hang from the chandelier and a banquet table is set up at the opening to the lobby. A stage is set up at the other end and the music students are performing. It reminds me of the fundraiser at the beginning of the year.

I spot Adam by one of the tables and make my way over to him. I lean into him so he can hear me above the music. “Thank you for emailing Miss Catherine.”

He sighs. “I couldn’t let you suffer through Fall Showcase without having a partner after how hard you’ve worked all semester.”

I wrap my arms around his neck in a hug. “Thank you.”

He hugs me back. “I’m starving. Let’s go grab some food.”