The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel (20 page)

That’s why I don’t like to talk when we walk over to church and Robert walks right beside me like he always does. And usually Stephen Lins walks right behind me but when Stephen got the mumps that meant that Jimmy Sinceri got to be right behind me. And since Jimmy don’t like me very much anyway he decided to poke me in the back and whisper names when Sister Mary Justin wasn’t looking. And Sister Mary Justin likes him a hole lot and so 
she hardly ever watches him anyway. So I couldn’t do nothing back because I couldn’t turn around because she might see me. So I kept walking and he kept poking and then he whisperd STUPID real loud and a couple people giggled. And Sister Mary Justin said WHAT’S GOING ON DOWN THERE? And nobody said nothing.

And a little while later Jimmy took out his fountain pen and he was gonna squirt it on the back of my shirt. Only I didn’t know it then. I found out later when Robert reached out and grabbed it real quick. And Jimmy whisperd GIMME MY NEW PEN BACK! And Robert didn’t say nothing. So Jimmy spitted on the back of Robert’s neck. And Robert didn’t do nothing. So Jimmy whisperd how he’s gonna punch Robert’s lights out after school SO GIMME MY PEN BACK! So you know what Robert did, Superman? He pretended he was gonna hand it to Jimmy but then he handed it to me instead. And then I dropped it down a drain in the road in front of Holy Redeemer Church where he could NEVER get it back. Wasn’t that good Ha-Ha?

Love,

JERRY and ROBERT

PS: You should have seen me after school, Superman! Jimmy chased me and Duane chased me and NOBODY could catch me. So I ran all the way up Old Lady Holbrook’s and I climbed the tree and I jumped right away. BOY did I jump! I couldn’t believe it. I NEVER went that far before. And it was real easy. You should have seen me, Superman. You should have SEEN me!

Love again,

THE KRYPTONITE KID

PS: Robert saw me.

DEAR SUPERMAN,

The other day Sister Mary Justin was teaching us how to write poems and stuff like that. She said a poem was just a bunch of words except they rhime. I thought it was spelt rime but Robert said there’s a H in it. And Sister Mary Justin said you’re supposed to write poems about people you love. That’s why a lot of people write poems about God and Virgins and stuff like that. And then she told us to go home and write a poem for our homework. And she said it should be about somebody we love a LOT like our mom or the Pope. And she said we’re not supposed to get help from anybody not even Robert. So here’s what I wrote and Robert didn’t help me at all and it goes like this:

ROSES ARE RED

AND BUSTER LIKES TOAST.

I LOVE YOU JESUS

AND ALSO THE HOLY GHOST. AMEN.

So how do you like it?

Your friend, 

JERRY CHARIOT

PS: I told Robert we should write a poem about you because we love you more than God or anybody. But Sister Mary Justin don’t. That’s why I decided I better write about God this time and I could write about you next rhime. So I hope you don’t mind.

Dear SUPERPAL,

After school we went shopping and my mom told me how I’m gonna look real good in a white suit. And I said WHITE! And she pretended she didn’t hear me just like she always doesn’t when I say something she don’t like. So I said I AIN’T GONNA WEAR NO WHITE SUIT. I HATE WHITE. I WANT A GREEN ONE. And she still didn’t say nothing. But when we got to the store she told the man that we was looking for a white suit please. And I said WE AIN’T LOOKING FOR A WHITE SUIT. SHE IS. I WANT A GREEN ONE. And the man looked at me and then he looked at my mom and then he took out a white suit. And when he wasn’t looking my mom grabbed my ear and twisted it real hard and whisperd YOU’LL WEAR WHAT I TELL YOU TO WEAR! And when we went in the little room to try it on I felt real dumb because LOTS of other kids was in the store because it looks like just about everybody is getting a white suit for our First Holy Communion. Including me. And Duane Machado saw my mom going in with me and I heard him giggle REAL loud. So when his mom went in with him I giggled even louder so he would be sure to hear me back. And my mom said BE QUIET and she hit me. And that’s why people who are mothers should realize that kids ain’t always kids. Especially in front of other kids because that’s when they become people. So I hope you don’t mind if I do it in a white suit instead of a green one. Goodby

Your Pal,

THE KID AGAIN

PS: Robert said I forgot to tell you and Jimmy Olsen what his poem was and he hopes you like it a HOLE LOT because it goes like this:

ROSES ARE RED

AND SO IS MY MOTHER

EVERY TIME SHE GETS DRUNK

IN FRONT OF ME AND MY BROTHER.

Isn’t that good?

DEAR SUPERFRIEND,

Well, Sister Mary Justin didn’t think it was very good. In fact she hated it. And she told Robert he had to take it home and his mother had to sign it and he had to bring it back by Wednesday. In fact she said EVERYBODY should get their poems signed by their moms so they could see it. Or else their dads. So Robert said IS IT OK IF YOUR BIG BROTHER SIGNS IT? And Sister Mary Justin said NO ROBERT! She really doesn’t like Robert a hole lot. Almost as much as his poem. Which she HATED. But she liked mine quite a bit for a change. Especially the AMEN at the end even if it didn’t rhime very good. She still thought it was a REAL good idea to put it there. And then she said we should write another one by Friday and it could be about anybody we wanted. And so I said ANYBODY? And she said YES, JEROME, ANYBODY. And so as soon as I do it I’ll send it to you and I hope you like it as much as I’m gonna. So long.

LOVE,

Jerry Chariot and Robert

Dear SUPERMAN,

After school we went in Bacchio’s because I don’t write as slanted as groan ups do. But Mr. Bacchio said that Mrs. Bacchio wasn’t there and Robert said WHERE’D SHE GO? and Mr. Bacchio said she wasn’t feeling very good.

So Robert said MAYBE I COULD GO VISIT HER AT HOME BECAUSE TOMORROW’S WEDNESDAY AND I GOTTA SEE HER REAL QUICK.

But Mr. Bacchio said she didn’t want to see nobody right now. And even her telephone was disconnected. And she was NEVER gonna sell comicbooks no more and so you better get home boys because he was closing up early from now on.

That’s why Robert decided to write his poem for Friday RIGHT AWAY because this way his mom could sign both of them at the same time. It’s called “AMEN.”

ROSES ARE RED 

AND FRECKLES ARE PINK 

AND I LOVE MY MOM 

MORE THAN SHE THINKS.

AMEN. AMEN. AMEN. AMEN. AMEN.

Maybe that’ll help.

Love,
  

ROBERT SIPANNO and JERRY

Dear SUPERman,

The other day my brother Buster was sitting on the couch with Mary Louise. You know who Mary Louise is, don’t you? She’s the girl my brother always sits on the couch with a BIG nose when nobody’s looking. And my mom was in the kitchen making me wash the dishes so I couldn’t watch them like I usually can’t. Because every time Mary Louise comes over to sit on the couch my mom makes me do something so I can’t bother them. Only sometimes I peek when they’re not looking. Which is all the time because they keep looking at each other. And sometimes they rub their noses together. Which looks pretty dumb especially since they both got pretty big noses. But the other day they weren’t doing that. And they weren’t giggling like they usually do all the time. So I KNEW something was wrong.

And so did my mother.

That’s why she peeked in and started yelling. And then she started crying while she was still yelling. And then she called Mary Louise’s mom and kept whispering about what a EVIL daughter she had. And then my dad came home from work and I heard her whisper how Buster was petting Mary Louise Wesson and he had a erection. And I don’t know what a erection is but I know what a erector set is because I got one. That’s what you make things out of with. And I also know what petting is because I pet pets all the time. And so does everybody else except my dad. He hates them. That’s why nobody who lives in his castle is allowed to have one. Especially me. Because one time I asked him and he said I could have a goldfish. And I said A GOLDFISH? And he said OR ELSE GUPPYS. And I said I DON’T WANT GUPPYS! I WANT PUPPYS! But he said they make too much noise and they poop everywhere. And so I don’t know why mom got so mad at Buster again but I’ll probly figure it out after I get my Super branes. Which 
should be about the same time I fly. Which is just a couple weeks away. So don’t forget.