‘I’m a foundling,’ he said simply, ‘I often wish I’d never been born.’
Lady Mawgon paused, lowered her finger and then strode from the room with a loud cry of ‘Foundlings, bah!’
The others filed out soon after as there was nothing more to be done, and they all glared daggers at Tiger as they went, until only he and I were left.
‘That was a stupid thing to do,’ I said, ‘stupid, but brave.’
‘You and me both, Miss Strange. You were going to resign over it, and I wasn’t going to let that happen.’
He stared up at me with a look of hot indignation, and a clear sense of right and wrong. Mother Zenobia had been right. This one was special. But I couldn’t be angry with him, and couldn’t go without punishing him either – it should have been put to a vote, despite my personal viewpoint.
‘I’ll deal with you when I get back,’ I said, picking up my car keys and whistling for the Quarkbeast. ‘Keep an eye on the phones and stay away from Lady Mawgon.’
‘Where are you going?’
‘To find out what we’re dealing with here.’
‘ConStuff?’
‘No –
Dragons
.’
William of Anorak
I headed for the local library to try to find something that might tie Dragons and magic together in some sort of Grand Unified Wizidrical Field Theory. I had a strong feeling that the loss of one might mean the loss of the other, and I wasn’t going to sit back and let matters unfold unhindered. I read as much about Dragons as I could find, which wasn’t much. No one had ever done a study, and apart from one blurred photograph of a Dragon in flight taken in 1922, no one had any idea what one looked like. I thumbed through a book of zoology and discovered that they weren’t a protected species; indeed, no one had even bothered to classify them at all. According to naturalists the Dragon belonged to the animal kingdom for certain, almost definitely to the vertebrates, and was as likely as not a reptile. Other than that – nothing. In many ways the dragon was a non-creature. There seemed to be more information on Shridloos, Bworks, Buzonjis and Quarkbeasts, and only the Shridloo had been studied at length.
But from my reading I also learned that I was correct. Since there was a Last Dragon, there
had
to be a last Dragonslayer; only he or she could mete out punishment as only he or she could pass the marker stones unharmed. The question was: where was the last Dragonslayer? Since I knew he had to be somewhere close to the Dragonlands he administered, it stood to reason he would be either here in the Kingdom of Hereford, or in the neighbouring Duchy of Brecon on the other side of the Dragonlands. I began my search in the telephone directory. There was nothing listed between
Dragon Pagoda Chinese takeaway
and
Dragon tyre services
, so I looked under
Slayers
but had no luck there either. I called directory enquiries, who were of little use, then the police station. Sergeant Pozner was friendly as usual, but explained that most officers were on duty policing the crowds that were getting restless up at the marker stones, and those that were off duty were the ones getting restless at the marker stones. When pressed on the subject of how to contact the resident Dragonslayer if Maltcassion breached the Dragonpact, he told me to go away and knew nothing about Dragonslayers, pacts or even Maltcassion by the sound of it.
I called Mother Zenobia to see whether she had any ideas – and my luck changed.
‘The person with whom you need to speak is William of Anorak,’ she said, ‘who was, at one time, a foundling like yourself. He is a remarkable man of high intellect who has wasted his brain by absorbing millions of facts and figures and never assimilating them into anything useful. He is a walking encyclopedia of facts that you would never need to know, like the train timetables of ten years ago, or the acreage of Norway, or the person who
didn’t
win the 1923 presidential elections in Mausoleum. He is a fountain of useless facts and figures that bore to death all who come near, but if anyone can answer your questions, it is he.’
William of Anorak was not difficult to find. He was at Hereford’s main railway station on Platform 6, staring at the rolling stock. He was about fifty and dressed in a hooded cloak of a rough material, tied at the waist with baling twine. He was nearly bald and peered out at me through thick pebble spectacles. I noticed that he wore sandals carved from old car tyres and a duffel coat that was so worn and threadbare that only the buttons remained.
I hailed him and he looked up, gave a wan smile and replied to my greeting:
‘
The Audio chameleon changes sound to fit in with its surroundings. On a busy street it sounds like a road drill, but in the front room it makes a noise like a ticking clock
. Good day!’
‘My name is Jennifer Strange,’ I said, ‘I have need of your services.’
‘William of Anorak,’ said William of Anorak, offering a grubby hand and adding quickly: ‘
The Magna Carta was signed in 1215 at the bottom, just below where it says: “all who agree, sign here
”.’
He turned back to a coal truck and started to scribble a number in a dirty notebook held open by an elastic band.
‘I need to know where to find the last Dragonslayer,’ I said following him down the row of coal trucks.
‘I was last asked that question twenty-three years, two months and six hours ago.
The only fish that begins and ends with a “K” other than the Killer Shark is the King-sized portion of haddock
.’
‘And what was your answer?’
‘
The record number of pockets in a single pair of trousers is nine hundred and seventy-two. Only three had zippers, and the combined loose change was enough to buy a goat at 1766 prices
. Four hundred moolah, please.’
‘Four hundred?’ I repeated incredulously. My only possession was my Volkswagen Beetle, and it was barely worth a tenth of what he was asking.
‘Four hundred moolah,’ replied William of Anorak firmly, ‘in cash.
The secretions of the ultra-rare Desert Shridloo are said to have remarkable properties. The other remarkable thing about a Desert Shridloo is that it doesn’t live in the desert
.’
‘Do you have to keep on reeling off useless facts?’
‘Unfortunately so,’ replied William of Anorak, adjusting his glasses, ‘I have over seven million facts in my head and if I don’t repeat them to myself in order I run the risk of forgetting them completely.
Milton wrote
Samson Agonistes. Would you like to hear it?’
‘No thanks,’ I said hurriedly. ‘Who was it who said: “Never commit anything to memory you can’t look up?”’
‘It was Albert Einstein and I see your point, yet I am as much a victim of my own powers as those who have the misfortune to stay in my company. You have been here over five minutes; that is better than most.
Most people prefer carpooling when other people do it, and the average number of pips in a tangerine is 5.368
.’
‘I have no money,’ I implored, ‘not even a twenty-moolah note. But to know the answer to my question I will gladly give you everything I possess.’
‘Which is?
An anagram of Moonlight is thin gloom, and the average Troll can eat fifteen legs at one sitting
.’
‘A 1958 Volkswagen Beetle with an MOT that expires next week, a few books and half a piano.’
William of Anorak looked up and stopped scribbling in his pad.
‘
The most favourite boy’s name is James; the least favourite is Gzxkls
. How can you have half a piano?’
‘It’s a long story, but basically I’m a musical duet penfriend with another foundling in San Mateo.’
He continued to stare at me.
‘
A red setter is so stupid even the other dogs notice, and cats aren’t really friendly, they’re just cosying up to the dominant life-form as a hedge against extinction
. You’re a foundling? From where?’
‘The Lobsterhood.’
A smile crossed his grubby unshaven features.
‘You’re
that
Jennifer Strange? The one at Kazam with the Quarkbeast?’
I nodded and pointed at the Quarkbeast, who was sitting in the car. He had once idly chewed his way through a locomotive’s drive wheel, and hadn’t been allowed on railway property since.
‘
In the first photograph ever taken
,’ said William, staring at me thoughtfully, ‘
someone blinked, and they had to begin again from scratch. It set the industry back two decades, and the problem has still not been properly rectified
. You were left in that Beetle when a foundling, yet you would give it to me?’
‘I would.’
‘Then I will tell you the answer to your question for free. You will find Brian Spalding, worshipful Dragonslayer, appointed by the Mighty Shandar himself and holder of the sacred sword Exhorbitus—’
‘Yes, yes?’
‘Probably at the Duck and Ferret in Wimpole Street.’
I thanked him profusely and shook his hand so hard I could hear his teeth rattle.
‘There’s one other thing!’
He beckoned me to lean closer. I did so and he whispered:
‘
The largest deposit of natural marzipan ever discovered is a two-metre-thick seam lying beneath Cumbria. The so-called
“
Carlisle Drift
”
is worth a potential 1.8 trillion moolah, and may provide light and heat for two million homes when it comes on stream in 2002
. Not a lot of people know that. Good luck, Miss Strange, and may you always walk in the shadow of the Lobster.’
Brian Spalding – Last Dragonslayer
I thanked William of Anorak and hurried off towards the Duck and Ferret. It was shut so I sat down on a bench, next to a very old man who had skin like a pickled walnut and eyes sunk deep in his head. He wore a neat blue suit and homburg hat, and carried a cane with a silver top. He looked at me with great interest.
‘Good afternoon, young lady,’ said the old man in a chirpy voice, tipping his head back to allow the warmth of the sun to fall upon his face.
‘Good afternoon, sir,’ I replied, always meeting politeness with politeness as Mother Zenobia had taught me.
‘Is that your Quarkbeast?’ he asked, his eyes following the creature as it sniffed suspiciously at a statue of St Grunk the Probably Fictitious.
‘He’s totally harmless,’ I replied. ‘All that stuff about Quarkbeasts eating babies is just fear-mongering by the papers.’
‘I know,’ he replied, ‘I used to have a Quarkbeast once myself. Fiercely loyal creatures. Where did you find him?’
‘It was in Starbucks,’ I replied, ‘about two years ago. The manager said to me: “Your Quarkbeast is making the customers pass out in shock” and I turned round and
Quark
, there he was, staring at me. So I said he wasn’t mine, and they went to call the Beastcatcher, and I know what they do with Quarkbeasts, so I said he was mine after all and took him home. He’s been with me ever since.’
The old man nodded thoughtfully.
‘I rescued mine from a Quarkbaiting ring,’ he said, shuddering at the thought. ‘Frightfully cruel sport. He could chew his way through a London bus
lengthwise
in under eight seconds. A good friend. Does yours speak?’
‘Not that I’m aware of. I’m not even sure if he’s a boy or a girl. I wouldn’t know how to tell, and quite frankly, it might be undignified to try and find out.’
‘They don’t procreate in the usual manner,’ said the old man, ‘they utilise quantum reproduction – they are just suddenly there, seemingly out of nothing.’
I didn’t know this, and told him so.
‘Quarkbeasts always arrive in pairs,’ added the old man knowledgeably, ‘somewhere there will be an anti-Quarkbeast – a mirror image of your own. If paired Quarkbeasts come together they disappear in a flash of energy. Remember the explosion last year in Hythe, which they claimed was a gas explosion?’
‘Yes?’ I said slowly, for the explosion had left a crater twelve metres deep in a housing estate, and fourteen dead.
‘It was an unlucky
confluence
of Quarkbeasts. A separated pair came together quite by chance. They’re lonely creatures – they have to be. Misunderstood, too.’
This was indeed true. I’d owned mine for six months before the lingering suspicion that I might be eaten alive gave way to genuine affection.
The old man paused to give a coin to a beggar-lady collecting for the Troll Wars Widows, then added: ‘Are you waiting for something?’
‘I’m waiting for
someone
.’
‘Ah!’ he replied. ‘Me also.’ He sighed deeply and looked at his watch. ‘I wait for many years, but still Jennifer Strange does not appear.’
‘I’m sorry?’ I said with a start. ‘Who did you say you were waiting for?’
‘Jennifer Strange.’
‘But I’m Jennifer Strange!’
‘Then,’ replied the old man with the ghost of a smile, ‘my wait is over!’
By the time I had recovered from this shock, the old man had jumped to his feet and was walking swiftly along the pavement.
‘Quickly, quickly,’ he muttered. ‘I wondered when you were going to turn up!’
‘Who
are
you?’ I asked, somewhat perplexed. ‘And how in the world did you know my name?’
‘I,’ said the old man, stopping and turning so suddenly that I almost ran into him, ‘am Brian Spalding!’
‘The Dragonslayer?’
‘At your service.’
‘Then I must ask you—’ I began, but the old man interrupted me again and crossed the road in front of a bus that had to swerve to avoid him.
‘You’ve taken your time in getting here, young lady. I thought you would arrive when I was about sixty years of age to give me a bit of a retirement, but no – look here.’
He stopped and showed me his face, which was wrinkled and soft like a prune.