Read The Last Testament: A Memoir Online
Authors: God,David Javerbaum
Tags: #General, #Humor, #Literary Criticism, #Religion, #American, #Topic
6
And then, over a
frisée aux lardons
that they were not serving in heaven then, but they are
now
, he spoke unto me:
7
“O L
ORD
our God, King of the Universe, here’s what I’m thinking.
8
Thy previous books have sold an impressive six billion copies;
9
They form the basis of three great religions, and five crappy ones;
10
They have been translated into 2,453 languages, including that of a fictional race of TV aliens wearing shoe polish;
11
They can be found in every synagogue, church, mosque, and Comfort Inn in the world;
12
And most importantly, they have done for faith, and ethics, and morality, what
The Bartender’s Bible
hath done for bartending.
13
But lo, it has been nigh on 14 centuries since thy last book—”
14
“Forget not
The Book of Mormon,
” I interrupted.
15
“Thy last
serious
book,” he continued; “and now a pestilence has befallen our tribe; books go unread; bookstores go unpatronized; libraries remain Dork Central;
16
And while digitalization presents an opportunity, it is also a challenge; the paradigm is shifting; I don’t know if thou dost follow the trades, but content-wise—”
17
“I follow everything!”
I bellowed, using the reverb voice and thunder-rumbling sound that I am wont to employ on such occasions.
18
“Forgive me, L
ORD
,” said Daniel; “I shall rend my garment and grovel in thy sight later.
19
I mean only to say, that if I were to approach major publishing houses with a proposal for God’s last testament, it would make a pretty strong pitch.”
20
“But of what shall it be composed?” I asked, pressing my fork into the poached egg, then idly watching its liberated amber yolk ooze seductively over the farm-fresh chicory.
21
“For I have already imparted all my wisdom, and bestowed all my law, and revealed all my truth;
22
And also I confess to being sore afraid, that I may not have another book in me”;
23
And at this I sighed, and turned away, and did earnestly wonder if I still “had it.”
24
And Daniel said, “Surely this is not the same confident, All-Powerful God who parted the Red Sea, and bore his son through a virgin mother, and . . . and . . . well, I’ve never read the Koran, but I’m sure thou didst some amazing things in there also.
25
Besides, the book
I
envision is not like unto those.
26
For in the book I envision, thou wouldst revisit thy greatest hits—the Old and New Testaments, and the Koran if thou insistest—but in a manner more in keeping with the modern custom;
27
Meaning, that thou shalt ‘open up’ about their events; and ‘share’ thy feelings; and ‘dish’ about the various public figures therein, thus creating a ‘telleth-all.’
28
(That’s not a bad title, by the way.)
29
Then thou shalt continue the tale by describing thy activities and where abouts over the past one thousand four hundred years; a period I suspect many of thy devotees have a few questions about.
30
And then thou shalt finish with a sneak peek into the future, with perhaps a brief glimpse of what lies in store for the end of the world; which, again, I think may be of some interest to thy hardcore fans.
31
But checketh it out, for here is the best part: Interspersed throughout shall be a series of short essays on matters of contemporary interest; such as natural disasters, and America, and celebrities, and regional athletic contests, and whatever other bits of frivolity thou conceivest;
32
The better to cater to the sensibilities of the modern reader, whose capacity for following unbroken written narrative hath dwindled to the size of a piece of Jonathan Franzen’s neck-stubble.
33
My point, G-Man”—and here Daniel reached across the table and grabbed the hem of my garment in a way few ten-percenters have ever done without an insta-smiting—
34
“Is that I love thee as a deity, and worship thee as an author; so I would have thee find new favor among men, by coming down off thy pedestal and humanizing thyself,
35
That thou might once again top the best-seller list, only this time in the modern era:
36
An era in which, I would remind thee, royalties can be properly accounted for.”
37
Then he fell silent; and long I pondered.
38
Yea, long I pondered; until slowly the ancient desire to spread my word among man that he may glorify me, began to stir in my spirit once more.
39
And the waiter came and separated Daniel’s check from mine; and Daniel picked up both checks; for he saw that that would be good.
AGAINESIS
CHAPTER 1
1
I
n the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.”
2
Yea; that takes me back.
3
Back to the first day of creation; the day when, in a sense, it all began for me;
4
The day I tossed aside the idleness of my early eons, to take on the honor, responsibility, and privilege of being the L
ORD
thy God, King of the Universe.
5
I remember that day like it was yesterday, though to be sure it was not yesterday; rather it was ages ago, across an unfathomable sea of time whose meagerest inlet exceeds the ken of human understanding.
6
It was October 23, 4004 B.C.
7
But before I speak of that day, and that week, and all the laughter and tears and tragedy and triumph that followed; let me pause at the beginning of this, my last testament, to tell thee a little about myself.
8
I am Omnipotent, Omniscient, All-Merciful, All-Powerful, All-Informed, All-Possessing, All-Compelling, All-Subduing, Most Holy, Most High, and Most Powerful.
9
My hobbies include being Sovereign L
ORD
, Heavenly Ordainer, Day-star of Eternal Guidance, Tabernacle of Majesty, Quintessence of Glory, Hand of Divine Power, Tongue of Grandeur, and Eye of Splendor.
10
And in the interest of full disclosure, I must also confess that I have on occasion been known to dabble in being the Desire of the World, the Source of Everlasting Life, the Sovereign Protector, and the Wellspring of Infinite Grace.
11
With all these qualities, and many more—for another of my qualities is being infinitely qualitied—people have often wondered why it was I created the universe, when I could have remained content simply to hover alone as pure spirit contemplating my own divinity.
12
Because that’s not godding, that’s why.
13
In my humble opinion, thou canst hardly call thyself the L
ORD
, if thou hast created no other beings to L
ORD
it over.
14
(Besides, I
did
try hovering alone as pure spirit once; but one can only contemplate oneself contemplating oneself contemplating oneself contemplating oneself for so long before it getteth old.)
15
I had a burning ambition to rule the world, but I knew such a world was not going to create itself; no fully formed planet was going to suddenly appear and say, “Here, L
ORD
, take these 20 burnt offerings,” or “Here, L
ORD
, take these 50 infidel heads,” or “Here, L
ORD
, take these 200 years of religious warfare.”
16
No; there was nothing for it but to strike out on my own; to follow my own dreams, and pursue my own vision, and make my own fortune; relying on nothing but my own grit, and pluck, and infinite power over the space-time continuum.
17
And so I began my story; and so I begin it now.
18
Yet there is one more truth I would have thee bear in mind before I commence; for it is the prism through which all revelation herein contained must pass to be seen clearly.
19
I am not perfect.
20
Yea, I am omnipotent; but there are mortals tramping thy corridors of power who are nearly so, at least within the earthly dominion; and does their great might foster in them perfect righteousness? Or are they not mostly bastards?
21
Yea, I am omniscient; but there are mortals waddling the casinos of Las Vegas possessing nearly all information on the handicapping arts; yet does their great knowledge foster in them perfect judgment? Or did they not just lose their shirts on the Seahawks +2½?
22
And so, Reader, as thou flippest through these awe-inspiring pages, be not surprised to discover that over the millennia I have erred on matters great and small, and even at times shown slight defects of character.
23
For despite all the sobriquets listed above, and all the wondrous attributes contained within me, I am not perfect, and have never claimed to be.
24
I have claimed only, that my imperfections are thy fault.
CHAPTER 2
1
T
he most important thing about undertaking a large-scale building project such as a universe, is to divide it into small, manageable action items.
2
For if thou seest it as a single large operation, thou art bound to become discouraged, and say to thyself, “Oh, I shall never manage to build a whole universe in six days; it is just too darn hard.”
3
So knowing the pitfalls of this approach, I banished it from my thinking from day one (Day One), and laid the week out as a series of attainable goals: the first being the relatively simple task, of creating the heavens and the earth.