The Lights of Tenth Street (33 page)

Doug stood at his desk. “How about right now?”

For the next two hours, the two men walked around and around the nearby park. Doug confessed everything, including things he’d held back the night before. The shame was still there, but with every lap, every confession, it was slowly being superceded by an inexpressible relief. All the dark things were being brought to light, and he felt the first sense of freedom.

He fell silent, and the two men walked a full lap without speaking. Eric appeared to be deep in thought. Or deep in prayer.

Finally, he looked up and stopped walking. He faced Doug head-on. “I’m proud of you, brother.”

Tears again filled Doug’s eyes. He dashed them away. Why was he such a crybaby this morning?

“I’ve got nothing to be proud of.”

“Yes, you do. You’re taking the difficult step, the courageous step, of confessing your sins ‘one to another,’ as the Bible says.” Eric started walking again, and Doug kept pace. “But I frankly don’t know enough about this stuff to help you beyond being a sounding board and an accountability partner. And you need more help than I can give. You also need good advice about how to approach Sherry, and I just don’t know the answer to that. But I know someone who does.”

Doug looked down. “I just don’t want everyone to know.…”

“It’s not ‘everyone’; it’s our senior pastor.”

“What?”

Eric nodded. “Many years ago, before he was a pastor, he used to counsel married couples who were in trouble. And he is compassionate because he’s had his own share of heartache.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well … do you remember hearing about that first church he pastored? They had that horrible split because he wanted to start an AIDS ministry. He was tossed
out of the church
he
started and poured his life into because some highly ‘religious’ people thought he was condoning a homosexual lifestyle.”

“I remember someone talking about that church split.” Doug’s brow furrowed. “I didn’t realize he’d been fired.”

“Fired and humiliated.” Eric walked a few paces, as if weighing what he should say. “Few people know this, but Pastor and I have had lunch every few weeks for the last two years. We’ve essentially become accountability buddies, and I’ve gotten to know him so much better. That event hurt him so deeply, it has taken him years to get over it. And to a certain degree, he still isn’t over it. He has felt like he should just keep his head down, be a good shepherd to his flock, and not rock the boat. No controversy; just keep everything on an even keel.” Eric’s voice dropped a note, and he shook his head. “A shallow keel.”

Doug was at a loss for words. “Then why do you suggest that I—”

“Because he’s a good man, and a good counselor. Not all pastors are, you know. But he’s been trained in marriage counseling, and I also know he’s overcome his own personal … challenges in this area.”

Doug’s eyes widened, but before he could say anything, Eric held up a hand. “I can’t say any more than that. What he chooses to share is up to him. But I think we should go see him. Right away, if he has the time.”

Eric pulled a cell phone from his pocket and gave him a questioning look. Doug nodded, and Eric punched in the numbers and put the phone to his ear, his voice small as he turned away.

“Lord, he’s so busy … let him be available.”

T
he silence in the pastor’s office was palpable.

Doug Turner had finished his story in a rush, rarely looking up, confessing to his senior pastor all the things he had kept hidden for so long. Now he sat with elbows on his knees, staring at the floor, uncertain what would come from across the silent desk.

When he could no longer stand the stillness, he looked up. Pastor Steven was no longer sitting in his chair. He was standing at a nearby floor-length window, looking down at the large playground that served the church school.

Doug could hear the distant chaos of recess in full swing. His children were probably out there. Sherry might be in this building at the same moment, helping with the school as she often did. He felt curiously detached, waiting for whatever censure was coming.

Pastor Steven turned from the window and sat down again at his desk.

“Doug, I’m so sorry.”

Doug let out a breath he hadn’t remembered holding.

“What do we do now, Pastor?”

“What do you mean?” His voice seemed far away, his gaze distant.

“I know you have every right to remove me from the youth ministry and all the other positions I hold. But none of that’s important to me anymore. Nothing matters except Sherry and my kids. Please. Please, Steve. Can you help me? Can you help me keep my family?” His pastor’s face became a blur as he dissolved into tears.

Steven stood and came around the front of his desk. He went down on one knee beside Doug’s chair and put a hand on his shoulder. On the other side, Eric had a hand on his back. The two men waited while Doug regained control. Doug finally looked up and saw that his pastor’s distant expression had vanished.

“Brother.” Steven’s voice was tight with emotion. “Are you under the impression that I’m going to impose some sort of harsh church discipline on you? No, Doug. You’re a courageous man; courageous to admit to a problem that many of us never discuss; courageous to want to do something about it. And although I don’t have all the answers, I do have some. I cannot tell you
what’s going to happen with your family; only the Lord knows that. And there
are
consequences to our sin. But I know that whatever happens, the Lord loves you—and your family—dearly and He will be with you through this journey. And I believe that He will honor your efforts to set things straight with Sherry. I hope He will also set you free from the prison of this blackmail, although it sounds like you may have already made some illicit choices that will need rectifying.”

Pastor Steven pulled up another chair in front of his desk and sat close to the other two men.

“I need to make a confession to you. One that I have already made to Eric. The reason that I’m able to speak to this issue is because I’ve gone through the same struggle, and God brought me and my wife through it. Oh, every man is different, and so is each man’s struggle. But yes, very much the same. I progressed from softcore magazines that I could buy in the bookstore to driving to hard-core porn stores miles from where I lived and worked, always terrified that I would run into someone I knew. When I was away on business, it was movies on the hotel cable. I visited a few strip clubs, but for me it was the pictures, the magazines that were the trap to my mind, my heart. I was truly a slave to sin.

“And it wasn’t just on my personal time, either.” Pastor Steven sighed and looked up at the ceiling. “I snuck the magazines into this office, hiding them under stacks of paper in the locked drawer in my desk.

“When God delivered me and began healing me and my marriage, I resolved to keep my life an open book. No locked cabinets, no locked and cluttered drawers. Everyone—my secretary, my wife, my staff—has access to any of my things at any time.”

Doug felt color rising as his mind leaped to a tally of his many locked drawers and cabinets.

“And look—see my computer?”

Doug stared at the pastor’s computer monitor, and then glanced back at the closed office door. The monitor was positioned on the L-shaped desk so that anyone coming into the room could see the screen.

“If I could’ve put a big glass window in my door, I would have. But in my position, I do have closed-door meetings that must remain private.

“So, Doug, you asked where we go from here. Well, it’s not going to be a simple process. You’ve broken Sherry’s trust, and she will very likely feel betrayed. Especially with the complication of the blackmail, which has put your family at even greater risk. You need to be prepared to work very hard at regaining her trust and showing her that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to show your love to her as
she deals with the ramifications of this. I can walk you through some ideas, but in the end, it’ll be between you, Sherry, and whoever you choose to be your accountability partners.”

“Accountability—”

“Surely you’re familiar with the concept?”

“Well, yes, it’s just … I don’t want everyone to know.”

“Understandable. But I’m talking a small group of men; perhaps just Eric and another friend or two. Men who have the right to ask you anything, at any time, about what you are involved in and what you are doing. Men you can confess something to if you slip, so that they can pray for you. Just having a group like that will help a great deal in your motivation to stay pure.

“But your willingness to be honest isn’t enough, Doug. You must realize that Sherry is probably going to want more than that. Let me give you some insight into how she might feel once you talk to her about this.”

“I know how she’ll feel!”

“Do you?” The pastor’s voice was sad. “Remember, she’ll be in a very different place than you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, think about it. Confessing this is devastating to you, but you’ll be feeling free from the dark secrets for the first time. You’ll be sad that you’ve upset your wife, but you’ll be thinking that you’re finally honest, that you are finally able to share these things with her. You may wind up feeling closer to her than ever. She, on the other hand, will be feeling betrayed. She’ll wonder if you love her at all, will be feeling like she’s finally waking up to how little this marriage has meant to you. To you, you may have just been looking at pictures on a screen; to her, you were willing to defile her lifelong marital love with a five-minute prostitute.”

“I never—I wouldn’t cheat on her!”

“That’s not what I mean, Doug. But God created us as sexual beings, and He says point-blank that when you engage in a sexual act with someone that you become one with her—that you are bonded with her in a spiritual way. Every sexual encounter will affect you somehow … even if it involves you, alone, staring at printed pictures. You’re becoming bonded, becoming one in a way that God intended solely for the covenant marriage bond. Your spirit is creating oneness with someone other than your wife. In that way, you
have
cheated on her. And she may very well feel cheated on, even if you never slept with another woman.”

Eric stirred, looking at his pastor. “If I could jump in …?”

“Please.”

“It’s not just an issue of looking at a few pictures, Doug. Many men—myself included—have nothing to be proud of in that area. And to a certain extent, some times we might, to our shame, take a peek and satisfy a natural curiosity without it having devastating consequences. But we cross a line when we go beyond that curiosity and come back for a second peek … for a third. That’s when it gets even more dangerous, becomes closer to cheating, so to speak. If we somehow can’t stop ourselves, if we go deeper and deeper, especially if we begin to keep secrets or deceive our wives, we’ve gone deep into territory that is hurtful to our marriages.”

Doug heaved a sigh. “I’ve been deceiving myself for so long, thinking that it wasn’t affecting us—just me.”

“There’s no way for it not to affect you both, Doug.” Pastor Steven gave him a sad smile. “Trust me on this. It was only after I’d finally been delivered that I realized how much had been affected before that I couldn’t even see. But that’s a subject for another time. We’ll need to get to it soon, but not today. There’s too much else to do right now.”

“So what do I have to do?”

“Well, you’ll need to prepare ahead of time to carry the load that this news will place on her. For years you’ve been carrying around a heavy secret—picture yourself carrying around, everywhere you go, a huge suitcase stuffed with all the illicit magazines you’ve ever looked at.”

Doug made a face, and the other two men were forced to chuckle. Doug gave them a rueful smile. “It would be a pretty heavy suitcase.”

“Exactly. Now picture this: You tell your wife your secret, and suddenly … you’re free of the load! The problem is, that suitcase hasn’t gone away. It’s merely been transferred to your wife. Now she’s picked that dreadful burden up and is carrying it around. She’s living every day under the weight of it. So you need to do everything possible to lift that weight. Show her that you’re not only serious about change, but serious about doing whatever it takes to regain her trust. Getting accountability partners will be a good first step. But it may not be enough for you to promise to tell them everything. She may view you as having broken other promises. If she’s anything like my wife—or the many other wives I know who’ve gone through this—she’s going to want carte blanche access to your possessions. And she’s going to want your accountability partners to have that access, as well.”

“You mean … like my computer?”

“Like your computer, your drawers and filing cabinets—anywhere you might hide something you’d prefer to keep secret. You should probably start by installing both filtering and tracking software on your computer so your wife can see everything you’ve done on the computer, if she wants.”

Doug could feel the color draining from his face, could feel the eyes of the other two men on him, watchful.

“Doug,” Eric said, “it’s all about honoring Sherry—and honoring the Lord—and doing everything you can to keep yourself pure. Sherry needs to know that you’re serious about this, that you’re willing to do whatever it takes.”

After a long silence, Pastor Steven took back the floor. “She also needs to know that you’re willing to do what it takes to rectify the blackmail situation—which in some ways may be just as difficult. It sounds to me like you may have been compromised into doing something illegal—or close to it—and we don’t know what unforeseen consequences may come from that if it’s not corrected.”

“Okay.” Doug heard the hoarseness in his voice, and he gripped the arms of the chair and forced the words out. “Okay. I’ll talk to Sherry tonight. And Eric—” he turned to his friend. “Not to be a total wimp here, but would you and Lisa come with me? I feel like I can’t do this on my own.”