The Lights of Tenth Street (35 page)

“But from what you all just said, you can’t help it.” Her voice was laden with sarcasm. “Good grief, you’re even being
blackmailed
because of it! So how can you promise me that you won’t do it again?”

“That’s what this whole process is about, Sherry,” Eric said. “There are things that have to happen in order to help Doug stop the behavior, to set him free from the bondage he’s been in. All of that is part of what he means when he says he’ll do anything he has to do to regain your trust.”

“And I’m not just saying it, sweetheart.” Doug’s eyes were anxious and sad. “I spent all day trying to figure out how I could prove it to you tonight.” He pulled a folded page from his pocket and glanced at it.

Sherry stretched forward as if to see, and Doug jerked the paper back.

Sherry jumped to her feet. “You won’t even let me see your stupid list! How the heck can I trust you with anything else?”

Doug stood up also. “I’m sorry … I just wanted to
tell
you these things, that’s all.”

“I want to see the list.” Sherry knew she sounded stubborn, and she didn’t care. Suddenly, that stupid piece of paper had become a symbol of everything he had tried to keep secret and hidden from her over all the years of their marriage. “Show me the list!”

He held it out. “You might not understand my random scribbles—”

Sherry snatched it from him and glanced down the page. Her brow furrowed, and she sighed, feeling foolish. “You’re right; I don’t get it.”

“Sherry, why don’t you all sit down again,” Lisa said. “Let me see if I can help, from a girl’s perspective.”

Sherry sank back to her seat, keeping several feet between her and Doug.

Lisa leaned forward. “What do you need in order to feel that you could trust your husband again? How could he prove himself and his intentions to your?”

“Well, he could—I don’t know exactly.” She thought a moment. “I guess one of the first things would be to promise never to do it again. But how would I know if I could ever trust your promise?”

“Well, one of the ways is that I’ll have an accountability group, a few men like
Eric who have the authority to ask me anything, at any time, and that I can confess anything to. In fact, I already have it set up. Eric and one other man have agreed to join me in this.”

“Who’s the other man?”

Doug half-smiled. “Pastor Steven. This afternoon, he gave me permission to tell you that he went through the same thing many years ago, and the Lord brought him and his wife through it. So he knows just what to ask.”

“Pastor Steven was into pornography?” Sherry put a hand to her head. “That’s more shocking than you!”

“Shocking to you as a woman, maybe,” Eric said. “But it probably wouldn’t be all that shocking to most men—at least men who think about it for two seconds. Sherry, what you have to realize is that this is a very, very common problem. Maybe Doug got a little deeper into it than some guys, but it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that half the men in our church struggle with this in some way.”

“Half the men!”

“In our culture today, this kind of temptation is nearly impossible to avoid. You know how men are more visual than women, right? Well, that’s one of the issues, right there. It used to be that a man had to go looking for things that would titillate him in that way. Now, those things are so ingrained in our culture, they are nearly impossible to avoid. We struggle every day with images that blast us from all sides. We can’t walk down the street anymore, or even watch family TV, without something tempting us. And many men find that temptation pulling them into just one look … and another … and another. It takes an incredible effort to avoid that, and some men—especially if they have issues that haven’t been dealt with—may
not
avoid it.”

Despite herself, Sherry felt curiosity rising. “You’ve mentioned something a couple of times now—what do you mean by ‘other issues that haven’t been dealt with’?”

Eric looked at Lisa, and she picked up a book from the lamp table beside her. “I read this book today from cover to cover. It’s by a Christian man who overcame the same struggle. It describes this whole thing. It’s fascinating, and I think you should read it as soon as you can. You’ll learn a lot about a man’s secret insecurities and need for affirmation—something that we wives often don’t realize. One of a man’s common triggers for pornography addiction actually results from the self-image that develops years earlier, as a young boy.”

Lisa flipped to a highlighted chapter. “This is pretty new to me, but it makes sense. One thing this author says is that a father calls his son into manhood. And if the father is distant or derisive or whatever, the son may not end up feeling like a
man.” Lisa puffed out her chest in imitation of a swaggering male, and Sherry gave a brief smile. “Doesn’t feel like a man who protects and conquers and provides for his woman.

“It’s a bit foreign to us women, I know, but men really have an inborn need to be the conqueror, the adventurer, the one who slays the buffalo to provide for his family. It’s what makes them feel like a man.”

Sherry glanced sideways at Doug, and a small smile flickered on her lips. “Slain any good buffalo lately?”

Tears welled in Doug’s eyes. He reached over and gripped Sherry’s hand. This time, she didn’t pull away.

“Go on.”

Lisa was scanning a page. “So now suppose that you’re a fourteen-year-old, fifteen-year-old boy. Suppose your dad always puts you down, and you feel inadequate—something many guys feel inherently anyway, apparently—and rejected. So you go up to your room and lock the door and pull out an old
Playboy
you found in your buddy’s locker or somewhere. You look at the pictures, and you’re stimulated, and you suddenly feel like a conqueror, an adventurer. There’s an illicit excitement. You feel masculine all of a sudden … like a man. You’ve just gotten an affirmation of yourself from looking at a picture instead of out hiking or playing ball with your dad.

“Well, guess what? That fourteen-year-old boy will do it again. And maybe again. He’ll subconsciously say, ‘I don’t need you, Dad; I’m becoming a man on my own.’ And that mechanism—of looking at a seductive woman and feeling that excitement, that pleasure—will become a common way of dealing with the stress and pain of life as the boy grows into a man.”

Lisa glanced over at Eric, and Sherry got the sense she was choosing her words carefully. “In our years of marriage, I’ve been shocked to find out just how deep male insecurity goes. Just how desperately men need affirmation—from all corners, but especially from their wives.”

Unbidden into Sherry’s mind came a procession of times she had criticized her husband. Times she had joked about him in public, ignoring the pained, embarrassed look on his face.

“So what you’re saying is—” Sherry paused, trying to get the words out—“I could’ve contributed to Doug’s problem.”

“This issue is never the wife’s fault—don’t get me wrong,” Lisa said. “It has little or nothing to do with the way you look or how much you weigh or whatever. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Sherry sighed and looked at Doug. “I was just thinking
about some times that I teased you in public or made jokes at your expense. I was thinking—” She looked down, embarrassed. “At those times, I remember thinking that it wouldn’t hurt to have your male ego taken down a notch or two.”

“Oh, goodness!” Lisa gave a pained laugh. “Listen, one thing that I’ve learned without any book to tell me is that the whole stereotypical idea of the male ego is usually a farce. That’s just their public demeanor. The real man, inside, has many insecurities. A man usually feels he’s going through life as an imposter, that he really has no idea what he’s doing and he’s just trying to avoid being found out!”

“Is that the way you feel?” Sherry asked Doug.

“Every day.”

“Wow.” Sherry stared at her husband, reassessing the familiar face. “I thought I knew you so well. I had no idea—”

“No idea? You know how much I hate looking like a fool in public. How much I worry about whether I’m doing a good job at work.”

“I guess I just never … believed it. You honestly feel inadequate?” Sherry watched his slow nod and put a hand to her face. “I mean, you’re so
good
at what you do. You’re a great worker, a great husband, a great father—you’re great at your church responsibilities, and you know your stuff I guess I just thought that you
knew
all that about yourself.”

“Why would I think that? I’m always sure someone’s going to expose me for the imposter I am. And I’m not talking about blackmailing me because of my actions, either! I mean exposing that I’m an idiot who really has no idea what he’s doing.” His eyes flickered briefly to her face. “And frankly I’m surprised to hear you say that you think I’m a great husband or father. I’m not sure I believe that you really mean that.”

Sherry stared at him. “Why wouldn’t I mean it?”

“Well—I disappoint you so often. That’s what you say, anyway.”

“I—I—” Sherry stammered. “But you
are
a good husband and father. I would never want you to feel inadequate! I just get upset and—oh, I don’t know.” She gave up and turned back to their friends, her mind whirring. “I’m feeling pretty clueless all of a sudden. What do we do?”

“Well, we’ve been talking about that.” Eric walked over and stirred the dying fire with a nearby poker. He picked up a couple of logs and set them on the blaze. “I think there are two tracks we need to pursue. The first is anything that will help you fully trust Doug again. We’ve made a list of things you might want, but frankly I’d like to hear it from you. The second track—which will need to happen at the same time—is anything that will help Doug work through the emotional issues that led him to this point. But first and foremost, I know Doug wants to know what he can do to satisfy you, to regain your trust, to help heal the hurt and damage that’s been done to you.”

Lisa looked at her, curious. “It’s really your call, Sherry, as to what you need.”

Sherry turned slightly, her back to Doug, staring at the fire. What did she need? She needed her husband back, that’s what she needed. She needed the security of marriage without wondering and worrying that Doug was off somewhere watching another woman undress on stage. She shivered, repulsed, trying to push the thought away, unable to recapture the warmth she had felt a few minutes before.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what I need. And I don’t know when I’ll know.” She stood up, talking to Eric and Lisa. “I can’t think right now. There’s too much in my head. I have no idea what I need, and I don’t understand why that should be laid on me.”

“Sherry, we didn’t mean—”

“And I’m tired and drained and confused. I’m going home now. We’re just going to have to talk about the solution some other time.”

“I was thinking that if we got to the solution,” Eric said, “that you’d be better able to sleep tonight, that you’d have more peace with this whole thing.”

“Well, maybe I don’t want to be at peace about it. I need to work through some of this. And I need to pray about it. I just can’t process any more tonight.”

“Okay, whatever you need,” Lisa said. “But … um … you knew that Doug came tonight with a whole set of steps he was prepared to take to help you trust him. He doesn’t want to dump the solution on you. I’m sorry if we didn’t communicate that well. Sorry if there was a misunderstanding.”

“Okay. Whatever.” Sherry started to move toward the door. “I’ve got to get the babysitter home. Her parents didn’t want her out too late.” She didn’t quite look at the others. “Maybe we can go over the other stuff tomorrow.”

Eric ushered the silent couple out of the house, waiting in the doorway as they climbed into their separate cars and backed out of his driveway. He stepped back inside and closed the door. Lisa was right beside him, her face somber.

Eric pulled her into a fierce hug, burying his face in her hair, feeling the tenderness—the surety—of her arms around his waist.

He kissed her hair, resting his cheek against her head, and closed his eyes.

“God, help them.”

A
sharp knock interrupted Doug Turners thoughts, and he scowled at the door. He’d told Mary he didn’t want to be disturbed today, either.

“Yes?”

The COO came in and closed the door behind him. He stopped a few feet shy of the desk, staring down as if at an amusing prey.

“Hello, Doug.”

Doug rose to his feet, feeling every bit of his height, and glared down at his shorter colleague.

“What do you want?”

The COO took a seat as usual, and propped his feet up on the desk, toppling a stack of file folders and a container of paper clips.

Doug clenched his teeth and stalled by straightening up the mess, forcing his rising temper under control. He stood his files again in their place, avoiding his colleague’s eyes. There was still too much at stake. Even though Sherry now knew his secret, that videotape was still a threat. It would still kill her to see it—Doug shuddered, thinking about it—and although Pastor Steven was now in his camp, what if copies were indeed sent to other leaders within the congregation? He couldn’t risk others seeing the depraved things he’d done, things he’d watched.

Doug crossed his arms and waited. He did not sit down.

“Have a seat, Doug.”

“I think I’ll stand, thanks.”

His colleague slowly removed his feet from the desk, and his eyes narrowed as he stared up at Doug.

“I need you to do something else for us, Doug.”

Doug gave him his best stony-eyed stare.

“Gil’s people out in California will be bringing a tangential deal to the table today; an add-on to the original plan. It’ll require them to invest more in fixed capital than we had anticipated—some updated satellite systems—and will delay our mutual revenue expectations by a few months. But it’ll be more than worth it. The additional deal is a valuable commodity and must be approved. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, of course,” Doug said. “You want to put a deal I already found wanting in even greater jeopardy by further delaying revenues.”