The Lights of Tenth Street (34 page)

Pastor Steven nodded. “Actually, that’s a very good idea. Sherry will need a girlfriend to lean on, and if Lisa’s willing, I think she’d be wonderful. She’s mature and compassionate, and I think she can handle it if Sherry wants to vent now and then.”

Doug hung his head. “I can’t believe I’m the cause of so much trouble for my family. This morning, I actually thought it might be better if I just jumped out a window and spared them the pain.”

“That, my friend, is a lie straight from the pit of hell.” Pastor Steven’s voice quavered and his eyes flashed with anger. “Satan is called the accuser of the brethren, and he’s doing it right this very minute! He uses every wile to tempt wonderful Christian men, Christian husbands, with these illicit activities, then he bombards you with shame for doing them! And then he plants the thought that it would be better to leave your wife and children than to go through the refining fire and come out the other side cleansed and forgiven.”

The pastor stood, and he seemed suddenly taller, more powerful.

“Come here, Doug! If you’re willing, right now we’re going to pray for you to be delivered from this temptation, from all that the enemy has woven around you over the years, from any foul spirits that have tried to attack you. This is where it stops!”

Doug shot to his feet, and his pastor placed his hands on his shoulders and began to pray.

“Lord God, come be with us now and show us how to pray! We ask, Lord, that You do everything that is necessary to deliver our brother from his long struggle, and to heal him and his family. Right now in the name of Jesus, we come against any plans and purposes of the enemy over Doug Turner’s life. We bind any foul spirits who have attacked him and command them to go, in the name of Jesus!”

O Lord, help me! I cannot do this on my own! Prepare Sherry’s heart, Lord!

Doug sensed Eric step up behind him, praying in agreement with their pastor. He felt his friend’s hand against his back, the unwavering support. He began to sob, shaking with wracking moans as his two friends held him, letting out years of grief, years of stoic independence, years of pride and secret shame. The pain passed through him like a storm as the Holy Spirit swept his house clean and purified him. And his sins were forgiven.

Doug was swept up in an eternal embrace. There was such kindness. Such gentleness. No rebuke. No condemnation. The exact opposite of everything the enemy had whispered to him for so many years. Doug felt wrapped in the purest, most unconditional love he had ever known. The presence of the Lord was so thick, he felt he couldn’t breathe. But he never wanted to leave. He knew—perhaps for the first time in his life—he
knew
his Father loved him despite his faults, despite his sin.

That is why I died for you, you know. So that you would not have to bear the burden you have been carrying
.

Doug groped for the mind of his heavenly Father, desperate to hold onto that precious touch.
Don’t leave me, Lord!

And into his mind, one after the other, came the Word.
I will never leave you, nor forsake you … I am father to the fatherless … My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness
 …

He came to his
senses
on the rich carpet of his pastor’s office. He was on his knees, on his face, the soft weave wet with his tears. He could feel the steady hands of his friends, but their voices were silent. He finally stirred himself and sat up.

“He spoke to me.” Doug’s voice was thick with emotion. “
He spoke to me.
”

“What did he say?” Pastor Steven asked.

Doug closed his eyes, repeating almost under his breath. “I will never leave you, nor forsake you. I am father to the fatherless. My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness …”

Pastor Steven stood and pulled Doug to his feet. “The Lord knows what you need to be healed, my friend. It’s not just a matter of praying for deliverance from the evil one. You must also be healed from whatever wounds have driven you to need these sinful actions. His ‘power is made perfect in your weakness.’ But that’s a subject for another time, hopefully another time soon when both you and Sherry can come in for counseling. If she’s willing.”

Doug gripped Steven’s hand. “Here’s hoping, pastor. And I’ve kept you long enough. I guess I have a lot to do before I talk to Sherry this evening.”

S
herry parked the van in Eric and Lisa’s driveway. Doug’s car was already there, parked right in front of her. She made no move to open the door but just sat there, listening to the soft popping noises as the engine cooled down.

Her mind had been racing through the horrible scenarios all day. He’d contracted incurable cancer. He’d been fired. He’d lost all their money gambling … He’d had an affair.

Sherry closed her eyes, praying a shapeless, desperate prayer. She walked toward the kitchen door and stopped five feet away, reluctant to knock.

Lisa opened the door with a smile and a big hug of welcome. Sherry couldn’t smile back. She stared Lisa in the face.

“What’s going on, Lisa?”

Lisa linked her arm through Sherry’s. “The guys are in the den. The kids had dinner already, and they’re sequestered upstairs for the night, with orders not to disturb us. We’ve got some time to talk in private. Come on.”

Sherry would have hung back, but Lisa’s gentle grip was firm. She pulled her through the kitchen, through the hallway, and into the small den, where a fire crackled.

Doug was sitting near Eric, deep in discussion. Both men broke off when Lisa and Sherry came in. Doug came to his wife, tense and nervous, and enfolded her in a hug.

Sherry tried to hug him back, tears of panic near the surface. Her voice was strangled against his shoulder.

“Doug—what—”

“Let’s sit down, sweetheart.” Doug gestured at the empty space on the sofa where he’d been sitting.

“I’m not so sure I want to.” Sherry gave a nervous laugh. “I want to know what’s going on first!”

“Sherry, it’s okay,” Eric said. “Doug has something he needs to tell you, and wanted us here for moral support.”

Sherry looked at her husband. “Moral support? For—”

“Let me translate.” Lisa’s voice was wry. “He wanted someone around to make sure you didn’t kill him.”

Despite herself, Sherry laughed and allowed Doug to guide her to the sofa.

“Okay, I’m sitting down. Would someone please tell me what’s going on?”

Doug reached over and took one of her hands, but didn’t look at her.

“I … have to tell you something that I’ve kept secret for a while. Well, pretty much our entire marriage.”

Eric cleared his throat, and Doug glanced his direction, and then sighed.

“Well, actually our entire marriage and long before.” He looked up, and Sherry was stunned by the fear in his eyes. “I have a problem with pornography, Sher. I’ve had it almost my entire life, probably since I was thirteen or so. It started off harmlessly enough, I guess, as a lot of guys do. But I haven’t been able to stop it. It’s gotten worse and worse.”

“What do you mean worse and worse?” She withdrew her hand from his. “You haven’t … you haven’t had an affair? Have you?” She put her hands to her face. “Please tell me you haven’t—”

“No.” Doug corralled her hands again and looked her straight in the eye. “No, I promise you, Sherry. I have never had an affair.”

“Then what … I don’t understand …”

“I guess I need to explain what … what it means.”

Sherry listened, stunned, as Doug described how, in college, he would buy magazines and sneak them into his dorm room, where he lived with other Christian men. No one knew. He’d continued the practice after they were married, bringing the magazines and hiding them in his home and work offices, eventually escalating to hotel porn movies on business trips. He described how he had searched for sites on the Internet, seeking out films or pictures he’d heard about. How he’d gone from an occasional visitor to a compulsive one. How he would sneak downstairs when she and the kids were asleep, unable to sleep himself until he’d indulged.

Sherry pulled her hand away and wrapped her arms around herself, tucking her chin into her chest as if to protect herself from his words.

“And then I started going to strip clubs. I’d like say it was all Jordan’s fault for forcing me to go with him when we were on a business trip together, but that wouldn’t be true. I kept it up on my own.”

Sherry closed her eyes, trying unsuccessfully not to picture her husband in one of those places, trying not to imagine her beloved, her best friend, reaching out to tip a gyrating girl with a perfect little body. She shivered. Was he thinking of those girls, those disgusting pictures whenever they were in bed together? Was that the reason their love life had become so stale? He was indulging himself with total strangers.

“Was this—” She cleared her throat and tried again. “Was this what you were doing all those nights you were ‘at the office’ so late?”

Doug was looking down, his voice tight. “Some of the time. Yes.”

She finally looked at her husband straight on, and the tears welled in her eyes. “Do you not love me anymore?”

“No!” Doug’s gaze shot up, and he reached for her. She recoiled from his touch. “I mean yes! I mean … of course I love you! You’re my
life!
Why do you think I’m telling you about this?”

“I thought maybe you’d been caught, and you had no choice.”

He stared at her face, and answering tears appeared in his eyes. “Sherry, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He hung his head, and she could see the tears fall onto his knees, wetting his khakis. “I had to tell you, not just because I got caught, but because I couldn’t stand not to. You deserve to know.”

“How’d you get caught?” Sherry’s voice was hard. “Where were you?”

“I don’t know if I should—”

“Doug.” Eric spoke for the first time, his voice gentle but pointed.

Doug clenched his jaw and closed his eyes. “I was at The Challenger, that strip club off the highway on the way home from work. Afterwards, I went to get coffee for the way home, and ran into Eric.”

“When? When were you at the strip club?”

“Last night.”

Sherry felt as if reality had shifted, as if something had come and stolen everything she thought she knew about their marriage, their love for one another. She sat, silent and stiff, for a long minute, staring into the crackling fire. Then she spoke without looking at him.

“Why would you have to fantasize on those … pictures, those sluts! Why would you have to lie to me?”

His voice was broken. “I don’t know why, Sher. I just can’t seem to stop myself, and I hate myself every single time. I never wanted to hurt you! I’ve prayed; I’ve cried; I’ve asked God’s forgiveness. And I’ve promised never,
ever
to do it again … but I always do. I’m hoping that by telling you, somehow, it will help me stop.”

“Sherry.”

Lisa’s voice broke in, and Sherry stared at her, annoyed. Why did they have to have such a personal discussion in front of their friends?

“What?”

“I’ve read up on this a little bit since Eric called me this morning. And although I’m no expert, I have discovered one thing. A husband can love his wife and kids
absolutely and with no reservations, and still be trapped by this temptation. It often has something to do with deep wounds and insecurities that drive him to it, wounds that need to be healed. Obviously, it’s also a choice the man is making, a willful sin, but Doug is making a courageous choice here in baring himself to you and to us, asking for help in healing whatever it is that drives him to this destructive behavior. He wanted to tell you in order to
strengthen
your marriage, to
show
his love for you. I hope you can understand that.”

“I guess … I guess I can understand that to a point.” Sherry’s voice was tight, a sense of loss threatening to swamp her. “But how could he have lied to me? How can I ever trust him again?”

“That’s what this whole thing is about, Sherry,” Eric said. “Doug wants to do everything possible to be open and honest with you, so that you
will
trust him again. That’s why we agreed that he needed to answer every question you asked, no matter how hard.” He looked at Doug. “And that leads to another issue that complicates this whole thing even more.”

Sherry slapped the couch in exasperation. “Great. What is it?”

“I’m being blackmailed,” Doug said.

“What?”

“I have no idea how, but the COO has a video of me at … at the strip club. And of where I went on the Internet. He sprang this on me a few minutes before that board meeting … remember that? He told me to give the board my okay for the Silicon Valley deal or he would send the video to you, to lots of people in our church, and to anyone else where it might ruin my life. I was so scared I’d lose you, I—I did what he said. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you, of losing the kids.”

Sherry shut her eyes, trying to comprehend this new revelation.

“So you’ve not only started lying to your wife and kids, but now you’ve done something that places the family in even more jeopardy—something illegal?”

“It’s not illegal, it’s just—”

“Whatever you call it, it’s underhanded and could get you into trouble.”

“I don’t know. I’ve asked myself that a hundred times. I just don’t know. And I don’t know what to do now.”

For the first time, Sherry felt the barest flicker of sympathy. She pushed it away and stared at Eric. “This is way more than I can process. I don’t know what we do now.”

“I’d suggest you focus on the main issue—Doug’s struggle, getting him healed, and your relationship. You can deal with the blackmail as you go. That’ll frankly require more prayer, and probably more time. In the meantime, let’s go
back to how you can build up trust again.”

Doug touched her arm, and Sherry reluctantly turned toward her husband, although she didn’t quite look at him.

“I know you have every reason to doubt my promise—”

“You got that right!”

“But I want to make a new promise to you: I will do anything that I have to, to regain your trust and to never sin against you in that way again.”