The Marriage Book (14 page)

Sometimes when I’m alone in the house I wander into the children’s rooms and look at the piles of dirty underwear. I feel helpless and confused. I want to cry and can’t decide which pile to pick up first. I ask myself, what shall I do with the rest of my life? . . . How would life be any better for me if I were divorced? I’d still have to do housework and take care of the children, but without even the little help I get from my husband. Get a job? What job? Where? . . .

Divorce means you have to put yourself back on the marketplace again, to fix yourself up to catch another husband. Divorce means nobody wants you. It means lawyers and fights and custody agreements.

The loneliness, how would I face it? Those awful nights by yourself with only the kids or maybe another woman for company. It takes a lot of courage to go anywhere as a single woman these days. Just the way waiters look at you in a restaurant if you haven’t got a male escort makes me want to crawl back to my own house and home and husband, no matter how awful the situation there is.

RICHARD BURTON

LETTER TO ELIZABETH TAYLOR, 1973

Even factoring in the current age of electronic communication, there have been few if any romantic relationships more public than that of Richard Burton (1925–1984) and Elizabeth Taylor (1932–2011). They were each married to other people when they met and began an affair on the set of
Cleopatra
in 1963. They married each other the following year, and in a legendary, boozy, larger-than-life way, played out their affections and disaffections over the next decade before a world of breathless fans. Burton, a Welsh actor with an extraordinary gift for language, wrote Taylor this touching letter as their first attempt at marriage came to an end.

In her ensuing statement to the press, Taylor wrote: “I am convinced that it would be a good and constructive idea if Richard and I are separated for a while. Maybe we loved each other too much.” They divorced in 1974, remarried in 1975, then divorced for good a year later. Taylor had six other husbands, four before Burton, two after. “His Eye is on the Sparrow” is a 1905 gospel hymn inspired by biblical verses in Matthew.

So My Lumps,

You’re off, by God! I can barely believe it since I am so unaccustomed to anybody leaving me. But reflectively I wonder why nobody did so before. All I care about—honest to God—is that you are happy and I don’t much care who you’ll find happiness with. I mean as long as he’s a friendly bloke and treats you nice and kind. If he doesn’t I’ll come at him with a hammer and clinker. God’s eye may be on the sparrow but my eye will always be on you.

Never forget your strange virtues. Never forget that underneath that veneer of raucous language is a remarkable and puritanical LADY. I am a smashing bore and why you’ve stuck by me so long is an indication of your loyalty. I shall miss you with passion and wild regret.

You know, of course, my angelic one, that everything I (we) have is yours, so you should be fairly comfortable. Don’t, however, let your next inamorata use it, otherwise I might become a trifle testy. I do not like the human race. I do not like his ugly face. And if he takes my former wife and turns her into stress and strife, I’ll smash him bash him, laugh or crash him slash him trash him etc. Christ, I am possessed by language. Mostly bad. (Sloshed, d’yer think?) So now, have a good time. . . .

You may rest assured that I will not have affairs with any other female. Anybody after you is going to be disinteresting. I shall gloom a lot and stare morosely into unimaginable distances and act a bit—probably on the stage—to keep me in booze and butter. . . .

I’ll leave it to you to announce the parting of the ways while I shall never say or write one word except this valedictory note to you. Try and look after yourself. Much love.

Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, 1964

ROBIN WILLIAMS

THE TONIGHT SHOW
, 1991

Comedian and actor Robin Williams (1951–2014) was married three times and divorced twice.

Divorce, from the old Latin word
divorcarum,
meaning having your genitals torn out through your wallet.

LEE LORENZ, 2006

Cartoonist Lee Lorenz (1933–) sold his first cartoon to
The New Yorker
in 1958 and has contributed some 1,700 more since. He served as the magazine’s art editor from 1973 to 1993 and continued as its cartoon editor until 1997.

“Your wife gets the house, the car, the dog, your I.R.A., and ten thousand dollars a month. In return, she acknowledges your right to exist.”

CHRIS ROCK

“INTERCOURSE,” 2007

In a career that started when he was seventeen, comedian Chris Rock (1966–) has traveled from stand-up comic to
Saturday Night Live
cast member to sitcom star, writer, director, and movie actor. Acerbic, profane, and hilarious, Rock has left few subjects—including world-famous icons—untouched.

Yo, marriage is tough, man. Marriage is real fucking tough, man. Marriage is so tough, Nelson Mandela got a divorce. Nelson Mandela got a fucking divorce. Nelson Mandela spent twenty-seven years in a South African prison, got beaten and tortured every day for twenty-seven years, and did it with no fucking problem. Made to do hard labor in 100-degree South African heat for twenty-seven years and did it with no problem. He got outta jail after twenty-seven years of torture, spent six months with his wife and said: “I can’t take this shit no more!”

ANNELI RUFUS

“15 SIGNS YOU’LL GET DIVORCED,” 2010

Anneli Rufus is the author of books and articles on subjects ranging from jealousy and travel to cooking and death. On the
Daily Beast
website, she presented the following list, based on conclusions presented either in scholarly journals or at national conferences, all within the previous decade.

1. If you’re a woman who got married before the age of eighteen, your marriage faces a 48 percent likelihood of divorce within ten years.

2. If you’re a woman who wants a child—either a first child or an additional child—much more strongly than your spouse does, your marriage is more than twice as likely to end in divorce as the marriages of couples who agree on how much they do or don’t want a child.

3. If you have two sons, you face a 36.9 percent likelihood of divorce, but if you have two daughters, the likelihood rises to 43.1 percent.

4. If you’re a man with high basal testosterone, you’re 43 percent more likely to get divorced than men with low testosterone levels.

5.
If your child has been diagnosed with ADHD, you are 22.7 percent more likely to divorce before that child turns eight years old than parents of a child without ADHD.

6. If you are currently married but have cohabited with a lover other than your current spouse, you are slightly more than twice as likely to divorce than someone who has never cohabited.

7. If you didn’t smile for photographs early in life, your marriage is five times more likely to end in divorce than if you smiled intensely in early photographs.

8. If your child has died after the twentieth week of pregnancy, during labor, or soon after labor, you are 40 percent more likely to divorce than if you had not lost a child.

9. If you’re a woman who has recently been diagnosed with cancer or multiple sclerosis, your marriage is six times more likely to end in divorce than if your husband had been diagnosed with those diseases instead.

10. If you’re a Caucasian woman and you’re separated from your spouse, there’s a 98 percent chance that you’ll be divorced within six years of that separation; if you’re a Hispanic woman, the likelihood is 80 percent; if you’re an African-American woman, the likelihood is 72 percent.

11. If you’re a dancer or choreographer, you face a 43.05 percent likelihood of divorce, compared with mathematicians, who face a 19.15 percent likelihood, and animal trainers, who face a 22.5 percent likelihood.

12. If you’re a farmer or rancher, you face only a 7.63 percent likelihood of divorce, joined by other low-risk occupations such as nuclear engineers, who face a 7.29 percent likelihood, and optometrists, who face a mere 4.01 percent likelihood.

13. If either you or your spouse have suffered a brain injury, your marriage faces a 17 percent chance of ending in divorce.

14. If you’re an African-American woman, your first marriage has a 47 percent likelihood of ending in divorce within ten years; for Hispanic women, the likelihood is 34 percent; for Caucasian women, it’s 32 percent; for Asian women, it’s 20 percent.

15. If you’re a woman serving actively in the military, your marriage is 250 percent more likely to end in divorce than that of a man serving actively in the military.

NATALIE GREGG

“DIVORCE READINESS QUESTIONNAIRE,” 2012

Blogger Natalie Gregg, self-described “Family lawyer, Entrepreneur and Mother of Two,” contributed this questionnaire to the “Huff Post Divorce” section of the popular website.

If divorce is on your mind, here are 10 simple true-or-false questions to ask yourself before splitting:

1. True or False: In the last six months, my spouse has changed their exercise, dress and grooming regime to look younger or fitter.

2. True or False: I have not had sex with my spouse in over one month.

3. True or False: I suspect that my spouse is cheating.

4. True or False: I can’t remember the last time sex was good.

5. True or False: I can’t remember why I married my spouse in the first place.

6. True or False: I don’t have access to the marital accounts, or the access that I have is very limited.

7. True or False: I am currently involved in a romantic relationship with someone other than my spouse.

8. True or False: My spouse has been diagnosed with a mental disorder/disease and fails to seek counseling or medical treatment.

9. True or False: My spouse has an addiction to drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling, shopping, etc. but fails to seek treatment to address the addiction.

10. True or False: We fight more than we laugh.

If you answered
TRUE
to 1 or 2 questions, you are probably in need of some marital counseling or a good, old-fashioned date night with your spouse that includes a heart-to-heart conversation.

If you answered
TRUE
to 2–5 questions, your marriage is salvageable but will take a lot of work. You need to ask yourself, “Does my desire to fix this marriage outweigh my exhaustion at trying to do so?” If so, then you should explore marital counseling. It is also advisable to consult with a lawyer just to ensure that you know your rights.

If you answered
TRUE
to more than 5 questions, contact a family attorney.

E

ENCOURAGEMENT

JEROME PAINE BATES

THE IMPERIAL HIGHWAY
, 1880

One of several earnest meditations on how to live the good life,
The Imperial Highway
by Jerome Paine Bates (1837–1915) remained popular into the early twentieth century.

It is not so thankworthy for thee to cheer thy husband when he can cheer thee, or himself without thee, while the day of prosperity lasts [as it is] to play the sweet orator, and to make him merry when all other comforts have forsaken him.