Authors: Leigh Greenwood
At first it was only dimly perceived, but the heat radiating out from her belly gradually made itself known. It was like a small fire that grew in intensity, then began to spread out. She couldn't describe the
sensation, but it was as if her body were gradually being absorbed by something new.
Suddenly she realized Zeke's hand was no longer on her stomach. It had moved down her hip and across her thigh to the inside of her leg. Reflex caused her to clamp her knees together.
“Open for me,” Zeke whispered. “I won't hurt you.”
She knew he wouldn't, but it took all her courage to relax. She forgot everything but that he was approaching the most private part of her body. He stroked the insides of her legs until the last tension was released.
“This will feel strange at first, but it won't hurt.”
Her entire body went rigid when his finger moved inside her. She braced herself for the pain she'd heard about, but it didn't come. Instead, tiny waves of pleasure began to emerge like ripples on the surface of a pond. The more Zeke moved inside her, the greater the pleasure, the more she was able to relax until she felt almost limp. Then Zeke touched something that nearly lifted her off the bed. She felt like she'd been struck by lightning. Her whole body was on fire.
“What are you doing?” Her voice was unsteady, her words barely distinguishable between gasping breaths.
“Trying to convince you there's no pain, only pleasure.”
The pleasure was so intense it was almost painful. Josie would never have believed anything could feel like this. Zeke moved a second finger inside her, but it only increased the pleasure. The heat in her belly was rapidly spreading throughout her body. The waves of pleasure grew more intense, started coming faster, until Josie's body arched off the bed. She heard herself groanâonce she cried outâbut she couldn't control
anything. She was completely in the grip of what Zeke was doing to her.
She gripped the sheets in her hands. She reached out and tried to pull Zeke to her, but he was immovable. She writhed on the bed, tried to pull away from him, but he wouldn't release her. The aching need grew so intense, she let out a cry. As she did, the tension broke and seemed to flow from her like rushing water.
Josie didn't know what she'd expected, but it was nothing like this. If it felt like this for men, no wonder they couldn't stop thinking about it. The wonderful feeling of well-being fled when Zeke rose above her.
“This won't hurt.”
How could it not? This had to be what the women had told her about. She tried not to, but she tensed when he pushed against her entrance. Zeke pulled back and used his fingers. Seeking the pleasure his hand had given her, Josie relaxed and pushed against him. Immediately, Zeke withdrew his hand and entered her. Before she knew it, he had filled her completely. It didn't hurt, only gave her a sensation of fullness. When he began to move inside her, the longed-for feelings of pleasure began to twine their seductive tentacles around her once more. Within moments, she had wrapped her arms and legs around Zeke, trying to pull him deeper inside her.
Through the haze of her pleasure, she gradually became aware of Zeke's quickening breaths, his deep moans, the gradually increasing speed of his lovemaking. She watched the expression on his face change as his pleasure caught up with hers. If she hadn't known better, she'd have thought he was in pain, but she'd
just had the same experience moments ago. She knew what he was feeling because she'd felt it herself, was feeling it again. Yielding to instinct, her body rose to meet him, to take him deeper inside so he could reach the core of her need, which seemed to remain just out of reach.
Just when she felt herself reaching the edge of the precipice, Zeke's body stiffened and his movements lost their smoothness. Then he uttered a guttural cry and she felt him spill himself inside her. That was all it took to send her over the edge as well. Moments later, they collapsed on the bed side by side, their bodies completely wrung out.
Josie had hardly spoken a word since they'd got up that morning. She didn't avoid his gaze, but there was a veil over her eyes. “I expect everyone will be in for breakfast soon,” Zeke said when he finished grinding the coffee beans.
“It'll be ready.”
She was at the stove, her back to him, as she fried slices off a ham Laurie's parents had given them. As soon as that was done, she'd fry some eggs Adam had found yesterday. Zeke's biscuits were in the oven, and the water was hot for coffee.
“We need to talk.”
She turned to him. “I know, but I don't know what I want to do.”
The bottom seemed to fall out of his stomach. “I don't understand. Last night you said you loved me.” They had lain awake for nearly an hour while she explained to him why she'd been so afraid of men and how making love with him had changed everything.
“I do love you, but I don't know that I can be the wife you want.”
Maybe he'd been reading too much into everything she'd said, hearing what he wanted to hear rather than her reservations. “How do you mean?”
She took the ham off the stove, reached for a bowl, and began to crack eggs. “I hated the farm when I was growing up. I hated cooking, cleaning, and looking after livestock. It was a hard life with no excitement, no variety, nothing to make me look forward to the next day.”
He wanted to tell her that having a husband and children would change that, but then he realized a family would actually mean more cooking and cleaning. He started to tell her they didn't have to stay on the ranch, that he and Hawk would be making trips to buy and sell horses, but he knew isolation wasn't really the problem. Josie just wasn't able to bring herself to commit to him. She might say it was the ranch, but if she loved him as much as he loved her, she'd agree to live on the moon. “What are you going to do?”
She turned from him to finish cracking the eggs. “I've got to talk to Suzette. I can't just leave her in the lurch. I thought we might go to Tombstone and get a job. I need time to think.” She turned back to him. “It's hard for me to be objective with you here.”
“It's supposed to be
impossible
for you to be objective with me here,” Zeke said, ready to beat his head against the wall. “That's what being in love is all about. You don't count the cost. You just do it.”
Rather than encourage Josie, his words had the effect of sucking the energy right out of her. She looked
almost frightened. “I can't do that. Does that mean I'm not in love with you?”
“In all likelihood, it does,” he said. “It's probably a good idea to go to Tombstone. I'll get Adam to accompany you.”
“Don't you need him here?”
No. He needed to be so busy he wouldn't have time to think.
Any further discussion was postponed when Hawk and Suzette came in, closely followed by Adam and Jordy. Breakfast was a noisy affair punctuated by Adam and Jordy's jabs at each other. Neither Hawk nor Suzette said much, but Zeke could tell by Hawk's grin that he was extremely happy about something. From the smile on Suzette's face, he had a good idea what that was. It just made Josie's decision to leave all that much harder to endure.
“We've got an announcement to make,” Hawk said when they finally pushed back from the table. He reached for Suzette's hand, which she eagerly joined with his. “Suzette and I are going to get married.”
Jordy whistled, jumped up, and pounded Hawk on the back. Adam did the same in a less boisterous fashion. Zeke hoped Suzette and Hawk were too distracted to notice Josie's stunned reaction. Zeke imagined she was feeling abandoned. He was happy for Hawk and Suzette, but he wondered if their marriage would leave him as alone as Josie. After all, Hawk hadn't told him about his plans.
“I'm so happy for you.” Josie had pulled herself together enough to be able to face Suzette with a smile. “I knew you were in love with Hawk.”
During the next half hour, Jordy weaseled out of Hawk and Suzette a step-by-step retelling of their courtship. Adam seemed particularly interested when Suzette said she was bringing her sister to stay on the ranch for a while. Zeke could foresee the boy making a lot of trips from his father's ranch on Sonoita Creek.
“I don't want this to change your partnership with Hawk,” Suzette said to Zeke. “I want you two to be as close as you've always been.”
Zeke appreciated Suzette's thoughtfulness, but things would have to change. It wouldn't be a good marriage otherwise. As the years went by, a man would naturally share more with his wife and less with his brother. That was as it should be, but even so, Zeke felt abandoned.
“I hate to throw a damper on this celebration,” Josie said, “but I have to get ready to leave for Tombstone. Do you mind if Adam goes along with me?”
The awkward silence that followed was an insufficient indicator of the drastic change in the atmosphere. It made everything that had gone before seem out of place, even tasteless. Everyone studiously avoided looking at Zeke.
“I'll go hitch up the mules for you,” he said.
He knew that everyone would believe he was running away to keep them from seeing the effect Josie's leaving would have on him. And they were right, but he was also leaving because he couldn't stand to watch her collect her things, pack them, and carry them out to the wagon. It would be the same as killing him inch by inch. He would say good-bye in one quick sentence. Then he'd spend the rest of his life trying to figure out how to live without the woman he loved.
Josie wished she'd asked Jordy to come with her. Adam, who was riding his horse alongside the wagon, was too sensitive to her mood. Jordy would have chattered on, impervious to the fact that she felt as if her life had come to an end. She still couldn't get over Suzette's deciding to marry Hawk without saying a word to her. Suzette had told her she hadn't decided until last night, but that hadn't made Josie feel less abandoned. She thought at first she was upset about the dissolution of their act, but it didn't take long before she admitted she was jealous because Suzette had what Josie wanted but was too afraid to reach for.
Leaving the ranch was like physically removing a part of herself. She could feel the pain as the widening distance caused her sense of contentment to fade. By the time the ranch house was out of sight, she felt drained.
For the short time it took to reach the nearby town of Fairbank, she'd gone back and forth in her mind, first telling herself every reason why she could marry Zeke, then countering with every reason why she shouldn't. She ended up with lots of reason for marrying Zeke, but only one reason why she shouldn't.
Fear.
“I want to stop in Fairbank,” she said to Adam.
“Is something wrong?”
“Everything. I just can't figure out what to do about it.”
They had reached the river just outside of town. A narrow canopy of towering cottonwoods offered dappled shade from the sun. The noise of the wagon
stilled the song of a vermilion flycatcher and caused a pair of green kingfishers to utter piercing cries of protest. Willow saplings, catclaw, mesquite, and hack-berry formed a dense underbrush before giving way to grass and cattails at the river's edge. The thin stream of water snaked through a sand-and-gravel riverbed pockmarked with the footprints of deer, coyotes, raccoons, and many smaller mammals. The mules splashed through the shallow water without hesitation. Just up the bank, she pulled the wagon to a stop.
“Why are you stopping here?” Adam asked.
“I want to stretch my legs.” That wasn't the real reason, but she couldn't explain her sudden restlessness. She didn't understand it herself. Adam dismounted and helped her down from the wagon.
“You're in love with Zeke and you don't want to leave him. Don't look so surprised,” he said when she stiffened. “Everybody knows it.”
“Then why can't
everybody
explain to me why I can't make up my mind?”
“You just have to decide what you want the most.”
Why was it young people thought answers were so simple? She walked toward the edge of the trees, looked out over the scrub growth between the river and the town. “I know what I want. I just don't see how it can work out.”
“Why? Zeke's a great fella.”
She turned to Adam, who'd followed her. “It's not Zeke. I hated growing up on a farm. I'm afraid I'll hate living on a ranch, and Zeke doesn't want to live anywhere else.”
“Sounds a lot like my parents.”
She withdrew to the shade of the cottonwoods.
“Zeke said your parents have been happily married for more than ten years.”
“They have, but it almost didn't happen. My father was a gunfighter. When he was killed before I was born, my mother swore she'd have nothing to do with any gunfighter again. Hen was a gunfighter hired to protect Sycamore Flats from my father's kin. He wouldn't consider marriage because he was afraid he'd turned into a killer. My mother left him, just like you left Zeke, before deciding she had to go back.”
“What changed her mind?”
“She loved him so much she decided it would be better to try marriage and fail than not try at all.” He grinned suddenly. “Besides, I liked him, too.”
Another simple answer. He was a sweet boy, but he had no idea of the pain it would cause both her and Zeke if they tried and failed. It was much easier to back away. “You don't think I love Zeke as much as your parents love each other, do you?”
Movement in the distance caused Josie to look past Adam. She got a sick feeling in her stomach when she recognized one of the approaching riders. She reached out and gripped Adam's arm. “Do you see those men who just rode out of town?”
He looked surprised but turned in the direction of Fairbank. Six men were riding toward the river. “Yeah.”
“Do you recognize any of them?” She thought she recognized the two leaders, but they were still a long way off.