The Mercer's House (Northern Gothic Book 1) (22 page)

‘I’m sorry,’ she said before she could stop herself. ‘I didn’t have any choice.’

‘What do you mean? Of course you have a choice. You can say yes or no. For some reason you’ve said no. Why?’

‘It’s a long way,’ she said falteringly.

‘What? What’s that got to do with anything?’

‘It’s just—I can’t—look, what does it matter? I’ve said no and there’s nothing I can do about it now. I’m sorry.’

‘Someone’s talked you into it, haven’t they? Is it Garrett? Why’s he sticking his oar in? I thought you said you weren’t together.’

‘We’re not. But I owe him a lot, and I can’t just ignore him.’

‘Then it
was
him. Did you really turn this down just because he asked you to?’

Zanna was silent.

‘You’re an idiot,’ he said.

‘Thanks a lot.’

‘Well, what else am I supposed to say? What do you owe him that’s so important you can’t even do this?’

‘I don’t know. Loyalty, I suppose.’

‘But why would he ask that of you? I’m guessing he calls himself a friend, right? But what kind of friend would stop you from accepting a good career opportunity? If he really cared about you he wouldn’t.’

‘He didn’t stop me. He asked me not to. He was unhappy.’

‘You’re not responsible for his happiness.’

‘Yes I am,’ said Zanna. ‘I did a bad thing to him once and I have to make up for it.’

‘You mean you slept with him then dumped him?’

Zanna took a breath at his bluntness, then drew herself up.

‘It’s none of your business,’ she said with dignity.

‘OK, so I’m right.’

Zanna felt the need to excuse herself.

‘Look, it was only the once, and it was ages ago, just after I found out my fiancé had been having an affair behind my back. I was in a bit of a mess. Garrett was supposed to be the best man at our wedding and I wanted to get back at Adam. I’m not proud of it. It was an awful thing to do, I know.’

‘On his part, yes.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, moving in on your best friend’s girlfriend when he’s just ditched her and she’s feeling fragile isn’t exactly gallant, is it?’

‘It wasn’t like that.’

‘That’s what it sounds like to me. But by all means, take the blame if you like. I’m sure he won’t object. So let me guess, he’s been chasing you ever since?’

‘More or less.’

‘Are you interested in him?’

‘No.’

‘Then why doesn’t he get the message?’

‘I’ve tried to tell him.’

‘But he lays the guilt on thick, yes? And so you feel like you have to promise to be friends so as not to hurt him. I’ve been there myself. It doesn’t work. You’re better off making a clean break.’

‘That’s easier said than done,’ she said.

‘You’ll never get rid of him if you don’t make the effort,’ he said. ‘And this is your chance to do it. Come to Edinburgh.’

‘I can’t. I made a promise,’ she said.

‘So what are you going to do?’

‘I don’t know. Find some office work. See if I can get another teaching job. There might be some local exhibitions that will take me. Garrett said he might know somebody.’

He gave a derisive snort, and she could almost feel his irritation.

‘He’s just saying that to make you feel better,’ he said. ‘I can’t believe you’d fall for that rubbish. Well, if you want to be your own worst enemy, don’t let me stop you, but don’t come crying to me when it all goes sour.’

‘Please don’t be like that, Will,’ she said. She could feel her voice beginning to go wobbly.

‘Oh, never mind,’ he said crossly. ‘Listen, I’ve got to go. Bye.’

And with that, he hung up. Zanna took a deep breath and tried her best to remind herself that it had been her own decision and there was no point in regretting it, although she was already pretty certain she’d made a huge mistake. But she’d promised Garrett, and she couldn’t go back on it. She’d just have to live with the fact that she’d offended Will and would never see him again. But why did it matter? She hardly knew him, and what she did know—or suspect—of him wasn’t all good, so why did she feel such an ache at the thought that she’d let him go forever? She knew the answer perfectly well, but it didn’t make her feel any better. Her eyes were starting to sting, and she took another deep breath, but it was no good—the tears came and wouldn’t stop. Why was it that every time she started to feel like she’d reached a better place, something came along to ruin everything? This time
she
was the one who’d made a mess of things. Why couldn’t she ever seem to make the right decisions? It was another setback coming on top of a bad couple of weeks, and now there was nothing else to look forward to. The desire to crawl into bed and hide now returned stronger than ever, but a tiny spark of resistance inside her wouldn’t let her do it. She’d come this far, and there was no sense in turning back, so she’d just have to struggle on. Sooner or later, things would get better—even if it didn’t seem like that at the moment.

She spent the weekend in front of the TV, sitting on the sofa wrapped in a blanket. Garrett was working, somewhat to her relief, as she didn’t think she could have prevented herself from reproaching him for what he’d made her do. When he phoned she didn’t mention her conversation with Will, as she knew she couldn’t bear his attempts to jolly her out of it. She cut the call as short as she decently could, then, as if determined to punish herself as much as possible, she decided to bite the bullet and call Ellie. It was time she offered her congratulations and showed there were no hard feelings.

Ellie seemed genuinely pleased that Zanna had called. She was feeling well, she said, now that the first three months were over, and was desperate to start painting the nursery, but they couldn’t pick a colour until they found out whether it was a boy or a girl.

‘I’m so pleased for you,’ said Zanna, and found she meant it. Ellie’s excitement was contagious, and after all, they had once been close. ‘I can’t wait to start looking for baby clothes for you. I’ll leave it till nearer the time, though.’

‘That’s probably best,’ said Ellie. ‘I have the feeling it’s going to be a girl, but I’m not buying anything yet. Adam would have a heart attack if we had a boy and I dressed him in pink.’

They both laughed and agreed that would be just like Adam.

‘How is he, by the way?’ said Zanna. ‘Is he as excited as you?’

‘Oh, even more, I think,’ said Ellie. A man’s voice could be heard in the background, and she said, ‘Hang on, he wants to speak to you.’

Then Adam was on the line, demanding her congratulations, and she found she could give them without even a twinge of regret. Perhaps she could finally stop clinging to the past and move on. It would be nice to keep them as friends, she thought.

‘So what have you been up to lately?’ he asked.

‘Nothing much. I went up to Northumberland for a few days, just for a break.’

‘Oh, yes? It’s meant to be nice up there, isn’t it?’

‘Yes, it’s lovely. Garrett turned up and we went out and about, embarrassed ourselves at pub karaoke—you know, that kind of thing.’

‘Garrett? How’s he doing?’ he said. ‘I haven’t heard from him for ages. I must give him a call. Are you two going out, then?’

‘No, no, no. Just friends. Anyway, what do you mean you haven’t heard from him? You spoke to him a couple of weeks ago, didn’t you? I’m sure that’s what he said.’

‘No,’ said Adam. ‘I don’t think I’ve heard from him since—oh, August, it must be. We went to see the cricket.’

‘Didn’t you tell him I was in Northumberland?’ said Zanna.

‘How could I have told him that? I didn’t know myself until you told me just now.’

‘Oh, yes. That’s odd. I must have misheard him,’ she said, although she knew she hadn’t. She was starting to get a strange sinking feeling, and hardly heard what Adam was saying about their holiday in Lanzarote. Eventually she managed to get him off the line, and sat there, staring ahead of her, thinking back to that first day when Garrett had come to look for her on the beach in Elsbury. What had he said, exactly? She racked her brains, trying to remember. Yes—that was it: he’d said Adam had heard from someone that she was in Northumberland. That news could only have come from Ellie, but she hadn’t spoken to Ellie in a good few weeks, and the trip up north had only come about very recently. But, then, how had Garrett known where to find her? Who else had she told? He must have heard it from someone. Or had he?

Zanna picked up her phone again, with the idea of looking through her contacts to see who she might have mentioned it to, but instead she accidentally opened the application screen. It was full of silly games and apps that Garrett had downloaded for her, one of which she didn’t recognize. It had an icon depicting a phone receiver and a magnifying glass, with the legend ‘Logmonitor.’ She opened it curiously and tapped on the information menu. A little screen came up which told her that the app allowed any user to manage call logs remotely. She had no memory of installing it, and couldn’t think why she might have wanted it. She stared at the screen for a long time, thinking hard. It was beginning to occur to her that she had been very stupid.

O
N MONDAY evening Garrett invited himself round for dinner. Zanna made no objection, because she wanted to see him almost as much as he wanted to see her. He arrived at twenty past eight, apologizing for his lateness, as it had been a heavy news day and he’d had to make an excuse to get away from the office.

‘So, how did the job hunting go?’ he said, as he followed her into the kitchen, where she had been chopping onions. ‘I haven’t managed to speak to anyone about the temp work yet, I’m afraid. Any luck at your end?’

‘I sent my CV to two more agencies,’ she said. ‘And I might have an interview lined up for Thursday, although it’s in Croydon, which is a bit far away.’

‘Oh, well, at least it’s a start,’ he said. ‘Listen, if the weather’s nice at the weekend I was thinking we could go to Brighton. You could take your painting stuff if you like, and do some more beachy scenes.’

‘OK,’ said Zanna. There was no point in trying to put him off because she knew they would not be going to Brighton. She moved around to where he was standing in front of a drawer. ‘You’re in my way. There isn’t room for us both in here while I’m cooking. Why don’t you go and watch TV while I get the pasta on?’

‘Right you are. Where’s whatsherface, by the way? Your miserable flatmate?’

‘Megan? Probably at the gym. She has aerobics on Mondays. She keeps trying to get me to go with her.’

‘Promise me you won’t go,’ he said. ‘You don’t need to lose any weight. You look wonderful as you are. I mean, seriously.’

‘Thanks,’ she said.

It was funny how a remark she’d hardly have noticed before now seemed inappropriately personal. Garrett went into the living-room and she quickly wiped the onion off her hands and went over to where he’d left his bag and his mobile on the table. She didn’t have long, and she wasn’t familiar with his model of phone, so it took her a minute to find his email and scroll through it. Everything looked normal, but after a moment’s thought she went into the menu and looked down the list of options until she found one that said ‘Manage Accounts.’ She clicked on that and what she saw made her heart beat fast.

‘I can’t find the remote,’ called Garrett from the living-room, and she put the phone down quickly. ‘It’s all right, I’ve got it,’ he said. She waited a second then picked the phone up again. This time she went into his applications folder, and soon found what she was looking for. She stared at the screen thoughtfully.

‘Can I help you?’ said Garrett, and she jumped and found him standing there. He had come into the kitchen so quietly she hadn’t heard him. ‘Are you checking my calls to all my other women?’ he said.

‘No,’ she said.

‘Pity. I’d love to think I’d made you jealous. So what were you looking for?’

His tone was light, but she could see he was tense.

‘Do you really want to know?’ she said.

‘Is this going to turn into an argument?’ he said.

‘I don’t know. That depends.’

He said nothing, but just looked at her.

‘I spoke to Adam yesterday,’ she said.

‘Did you?’ he said.

‘Yes. He told me he hasn’t talked to you since August.’

‘Really? Has it been that long? I’ll have to give him a call.’

‘I was under the impression that you’d spoken to him several times lately. At least twice, anyway. You said he told you I was in Northumberland, and then later you said you’d spoken to him again and he’d asked how I was. But he didn’t know I was in Northumberland, because I never told him.’

‘No? Are you sure? That’s odd. Then who told me?’

‘I don’t know, Garrett. Who
did
tell you? I’m pretty sure it wasn’t me. But it all got me thinking, as you might expect.’

‘Careful,’ he said. ‘You don’t want to wear your brain out.’

‘No chance of that,’ she said. ‘I obviously haven’t been using it much lately, or I might not have been so stupid. Anyway, I don’t know how you found out that I was in Northumberland, but somehow you did, and you came to join me, and we had a nice time in Elsbury—or we might have done if someone claiming to be Helen hadn’t started phoning me and sending me scary emails.’