The Merry Wives of Windsor (9 page)

FALSTAFF
    
Say’st thou so, old Jack
¹²³
? Go thy ways: I’ll make more

of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet
look after
¹²⁴

thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now

a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say ’tis
grossly
¹²⁶

done,
so
it be
fairly
¹²⁷
done, no matter.

BARDOLPH
    Sir John, there’s one Master Broom below would

fain
¹²⁹
speak with you and be acquainted with you, and hath

sent your worship a morning’s draught of sack.

FALSTAFF
    Broom is his name?

BARDOLPH
    Ay, sir.

FALSTAFF
    Call him in.

Such Brooms are welcome to me, that o’erflows such liquor.

Aha, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I
encompassed
¹³⁵

you? Go to,
via
¹³⁶
!

FORD
    Bless you, sir.

FALSTAFF
    And you, sir. Would you speak with me?

FORD
    I
make bold
to press with so little
preparation
¹³⁹
upon

you.

FALSTAFF
    You’re welcome. What’s your will?
Give us leave
¹⁴¹
,

drawer
¹⁴²
.

FORD
    Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much: my

name is Broom.

FALSTAFF
Good Master Broom, I desire more acquaintance

of you.

FORD
    Good Sir John, I
sue
for yours: not to
charge
¹⁴⁷
you, for

I must let you understand I think myself in better
plight
¹⁴⁸
for a

lender than you are, the which hath something emboldened

me to this
unseasoned
¹⁵⁰
intrusion. For they say, if money go

before, all ways do lie open.

FALSTAFF
    Money is a good soldier, sir, and will
on
¹⁵²
.

FORD
    Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me.

If you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or

half, for easing me of the
carriage
¹⁵⁵
.

FALSTAFF
    Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.

FORD
    I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.

FALSTAFF
    Speak, good Master Broom: I shall be glad to be your

servant.

FORD
    Sir, I hear you are a scholar — I will be brief with

you — and you have been a man long known to me, though

I had never so good means as desire to make myself

acquainted with you. I shall
discover
¹⁶³
a thing to you, wherein

I must very much lay open mine own imperfection. But,

good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you

hear them unfolded, turn another into the
register
¹⁶⁶
of your

own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier,
sith
¹⁶⁷
you

yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender.

FALSTAFF
    Very well, sir, proceed.

FORD
    There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband’s

name is Ford.

FALSTAFF
    Well, sir.

FORD
    I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed

much on her: followed her with a doting
observance
¹⁷⁴
,

engrossed
opportunities to meet her,
fee’d
¹⁷⁵
every slight

occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her: not

only bought many presents to give her, but have given
largely
¹⁷⁷

to many to know what she
would have given
¹⁷⁸
. Briefly, I have

pursued her as love hath pursued me, which hath been on the

wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either

in my mind or in my
means
,
meed
¹⁸¹
I am sure I have received

none, unless experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an

infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this:

‘Love like a shadow
flies
when
substance
¹⁸⁴
love pursues,

Pursuing that
that flies
¹⁸⁵
, and flying what pursues.’

FALSTAFF
    Have you received no promise of
satisfaction
¹⁸⁶
at her

hands?

FORD
    Never.

FALSTAFF
Have you
importuned
¹⁸⁹
her to such a purpose?

FORD
    Never.

FALSTAFF
Of what quality was your love, then?

FORD
    Like a fair house built on another man’s ground, so

that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I

erected
¹⁹⁴
it.

FALSTAFF
To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?

FORD
    When I have told you that, I have told you all.

Some say that though she appear
honest
¹⁹⁷
to me, yet in other

places she enlargeth her
mirth
so far that there is
shrewd
¹⁹⁸

construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of

my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding,

admirable discourse, of
great admittance
,
authentic
²⁰¹
in your

place and person,
generally allowed
²⁰²
for your many war-like,

court-like and learned
preparations
²⁰³
.

FALSTAFF
    O, sir!

FORD
    Believe it, for you know it. There is

money: spend it, spend it, spend more, spend all I have, only

give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as to lay an

amiable
²⁰⁸
siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife. Use your art

of wooing, win her to consent to you. If any man may, you

may as soon as any.

FALSTAFF
    Would it
apply well to
²¹¹
the vehemency of your

affection that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks

you prescribe to yourself very
preposterously
²¹³
.

FORD
    O, understand my
drift
²¹⁴
: she dwells so securely on

the excellency of her honour that the
folly
²¹⁵
of my soul dares

not present itself. She is too bright to be looked
against
²¹⁶
. Now,

could I come to her with any
detection
²¹⁷
in my hand, my

desires had
instance
²¹⁸
and argument to commend themselves:

I could drive her then from the
ward
²¹⁹
of her purity, her

reputation,
her
²²⁰
marriage-vow, and a thousand other her

defences, which now are too too strongly embattled against

me. What say you to’t, Sir John?

FALSTAFF
    Master Broom, I will first make bold with your

money. Next, give me your hand. And last, as

I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford’s wife.

FORD
    O, good sir!

FALSTAFF
    I say you shall.

FORD
    
Want
²²⁸
no money, Sir John: you shall want none.

FALSTAFF
    Want no Mistress Ford, Master Broom, you shall

want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own

appointment. Even as you came in to me, her assistant or go-

between parted from me. I say I shall be with her between ten

and eleven, for at that time the jealous rascally knave her

husband will be
forth
²³⁴
. Come you to me at night: you shall

know how I
speed
²³⁵
.

FORD
    I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know

Ford, sir?

FALSTAFF
    Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave, I know him not.

Yet I wrong him to call him poor: they say the jealous

wittolly
knave hath masses of money, for
the which
²⁴⁰
his wife

seems to me
well-favoured
²⁴¹
. I will use her as the key of the

cuckoldly rogue’s coffer, and there’s my
harvest-home
²⁴²
.

FORD
    I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid

him if you saw him.

FALSTAFF
Hang him,
mechanical
salt-butter
²⁴⁵
rogue! I will stare

him out of his wits, I will awe him with my cudgel. It shall

hang like a
meteor
²⁴⁷
o’er the cuckold’s horns. Master Broom,

thou shalt know I will
predominate
²⁴⁸
over the peasant, and

thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford’s

a knave, and I will
aggravate his style
²⁵⁰
. Thou, Master Broom,

shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at

night.

FORD
    What a damned
Epicurean
²⁵³
rascal is this? My heart is

ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is
improvident
²⁵⁴

jealousy? My wife hath sent to him, the hour is fixed, the

match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the

hell of having a
false
²⁵⁷
woman: my bed shall be abused, my

coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at, and I shall not

only receive this villainous wrong, but
stand under the
²⁵⁹

adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this

wrong. Terms, names!
Amaimon sounds well: Lucifer, well:
²⁶¹

Barbason, well: yet they are devils’
additions
²⁶²
, the names of

fiends. But Cuckold? Wittol? Cuckold? The devil himself hath

not such a name. Page is an ass, a
secure
²⁶⁴
ass. He will trust his

wife, he will not be jealous. I will rather trust a
Fleming
²⁶⁵
with

my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an

Irishman with my
aqua-vitae
bottle, or a thief to
walk
²⁶⁷
my

ambling gelding
²⁶⁸
, than my wife with herself. Then she plots,

then she ruminates, then she devises: and what they think in

their hearts they may effect — they will break their hearts

but they will effect. Heaven be praised for my jealousy!

Eleven o’clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be

revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it. Better

three hours too soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie!

Cuckold, cuckold, cuckold!

CAIUS
    Jack Rugby!

RUGBY
    Sir?

CAIUS
    Vat is the clock, Jack?

RUGBY
    ’Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to

meet.

CAIUS
    By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come. He

has pray his Pible well, dat he is no come. By gar, Jack Rugby,

he is dead already, if he be come.

RUGBY
    He is wise, sir. He knew your worship would kill

him, if he came.

CAIUS
    By gar, de herring is
no dead, so as
¹¹
I vill kill

him. Take your rapier, Jack. I vill tell you how I vill kill him.

RUGBY
    Alas, sir, I cannot fence.

CAIUS
    
Villainy
¹⁴
, take your rapier.

RUGBY
    Forbear. Here’s company.