The Mobile MBA: 112 Skills to Take You Further, Faster (Richard Stout's Library) (19 page)

You cannot understand yourself until you understand how you affect other people. Other people are different from you. Even more importantly, you appear different from your colleagues. They may not intuitively recognize that you are wonderful, intelligent, diligent and great with people.

There are plenty of psychological self-assessment tools to use on the Web. One of the most popular profiling tools remains MBTI (Myers Briggs Type Indicators). MBTI may not be the best or most reliable diagnostic, but it is the most widely used. So it makes sense to understand it. You don’t need to go through the formal accreditation process as this can take years, which totally misses the point. The point is not to become an expert at MBTI: the point is to have a quick way of working out how people are different and what you can do about it.

Here is MBTI as you may see it in the first three columns. You will never see the negative impact column because MBTI trainers are fearful of offending anyone. In practice, the negative column is often the easiest way to spot your style, and to recognize how it may be limiting your progress.

As you look at the positive list, it is only human nature to think that you have all the positive qualities listed. That is not how MBTI works. You have to choose between:

• E and I

• S and N

• T and F

• J and P

The result is an acronym to describe you such as ENTP or ISTJ. It is a way of categorizing people and of putting people in boxes. But people should not be put in boxes until they are dead. And it is far too hard to work out which boxes to put someone in, let alone do anything about it, in day-to-day life. So the real use of MBTI is to get a measure of yourself and understand how you affect other people. Make the most of your positive impacts, but be aware that every positive has a negative. If someone reacts badly to you, the MBTI framework may help you identify a possible style clash which you have with that person. You then have the knowledge to do something about it, if you wish.

In practice, you need a faster shorthand to understand other people. That is the purpose of this section. Churchill described Russia as “a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.” People are even harder to understand. But Churchill helped solve his own Russian riddle: “Perhaps there is a key. That key is Russian national interest.” And so it is with people: the key is self-interest. That is the starting point for understanding others. Look at the world through their eyes, understand their needs, hopes, and fears and you have a chance of influencing them well.

However, you need to go even further. Understand their character: how they like to work and what they dislike. If you can understand their style, you are well placed to work with them.

Here is a list of character traits you can probably find around you:

• Risk taking versus risk averse

• Sensitive versus thick skinned

• Quick versus slow

• Decisive versus indecisive

• Afternoon person versus morning person

• Prompt versus tardy

• Controlling versus empowering

• Receptive versus assertive

• Cooperative versus competitive

• Altruistic versus materialistic

• Honest versus devious

• People focused versus task focused

• Inductive versus deductive thinking

• Big picture versus detailed thinker

• Practical versus imaginative

• Progressive versus traditional

• Talker versus thinker

• Words versus numbers

• Analytical versus action focused

You can create an endless list of trade-offs. The point is that everyone is different, so treat them differently. Do not try to make an analytical, risk averse, and practical person into an action focused, risk-taking ideas person. It will end in tears. Work to the strengths of the other person, be it your team member, colleague, or boss. If your boss is best in the late afternoon, don’t set meetings for 8am when he or she is Mr. or Mrs. Grumpy. Even if you are a morning person, if you want the best out of the other person, work to their style.

work to the strengths of the other person

Try this simple exercise. Make a list of the four trade-offs that best define the person you need to influence (either from the list above, or from those which mean most in your context). Focus on their character, not yours. Then see where you are on the same trade-offs. If you share the same characteristics, you may find you get along well naturally. If you are at opposite ends you have ample room for misunderstanding. Your job is to adapt so that the other person feels comfortable dealing with you.

Negotiating is not just for negotiators. All managers have to negotiate with colleagues, bosses, team members, and others to get their way. It can take years to become an expert negotiator. But here are seven tips to turn negotiating warfare into negotiating judo: succeed without fighting.

Of course, knowing how and when to deploy each tactic takes time to learn. But perhaps the most important lesson of all is easy to learn: negotiate. Most people lose because they do not even try to negotiate. If you don’t ask, you don’t get ....

Never argue with toddlers, taxi drivers, or God: even if you are right, it will do you no good. And arguing with colleagues or bosses is nearly as bad: you either lose the argument or you lose an ally. But you need a way of dealing with their latest hair-brained idea without losing face, or losing your job.

So how do you disagree, get your way, and avoid turning a colleague into a lifelong enemy? Your goal is to achieve a win–win, not a win–lose outcome. Think judo, not boxing: use your colleague’s momentum to your advantage.

Here’s how, in five (not so easy) steps:

1. Listen.
Don’t argue, disagree, or interrupt. Encourage them to complete their explanation of their idea. They want to be heard and respected. If you argue too soon you will be met with “You don’t understand... let me explain” and you are into a win–lose time wasting argument.

2. The nice save.
Start by praising the one element of the idea which is good. Do you tell a new mother that their baby is the ugliest the world has ever seen? A colleague’s idea is their baby: don’t insult it. Get the colleague emotionally on board by finding common ground, however trivial.

3. Find a common cause.
Go into praise overdrive. Thank your colleague for having the sense/courage/insight to tackle whatever issue they are trying to tackle. Show why the issue is so important: start to focus discussion on the desired outcome, not on the detail of their idea.

4. Empathize.
Indicate that you had been thinking about the same thing, but struggling with it. You could find no way around three big problems (which just happen to be the three fatal flaws with the idea your colleague has suggested).

5. Work together to solve ‘your’ problem.
By now you should have refocused discussion away from their idea (which they will not want to change) to your problem (which they will be keen to show they can solve). The new solution should now provide a very agreeable alternative to the idea which you first encountered. You have won the argument and won a friend. Job done.

Avoid getting caught in the internal logic of their idea or avoid getting dragged into the detail of their suggestion. Quietly shift the discussion away from their scheme. Focus on the end benefits you and they want to achieve and make them think that they are helping and coaching you, rather than you criticizing them.

Once you establish a reputation for tact, even a whisper of disquiet from you will sound like thunder. You build power, credibility, and allies by disagreeing well.

Mr. and Mrs. Nasty can be your boss, your customer, or your colleague. You may not want to deal with them, but you have to deal with them. The question is how, especially when tempers and the temperature start to rise and it is hard to stay cool.

There are two sure-fire ways of making things worse:

•
Argue the righteous logic of your position.
Fighting emotion with logic is like fighting fire with fuel: spectacular, but not advisable

•
Get emotional.
As soon as you descend into the sewer with Mr. Nasty, he will get on his high horse and trumpet how unreasonable you are. He wins, you lose.

So if neither logic nor emotion works, what does? The goal is simple to state but hard to achieve. You need to do the following:

•
Stay positive and professional.
How you behave is as important as what you say. Look the part, don’t look the fool.

•
Focus on the desired outcome.
Where do you want to be at the end of the conversation? Work toward that end and avoid getting dragged into the mire. As a rule, it is better to win a friend than to win an argument.

•
Focus on common interests, not on narrow positions.
At its simplest a position may be “you messed up”; the common interest is “we need to find a solution.”

So how do you stay positive when Mr. and Mrs. Nasty are doing their best to enrage you? I have asked many executives this question, and here are some of the best answers I have heard:

• Imagine what your favorite role model would do in this situation, and then do the same thing. But if your role model is a mix of Darth Vader and Vlad the Impaler, do not use this technique.

• Become a fly on the wall and watch the event. As you detach you will be able to think more clearly and objectively, without getting emotionally involved.

• Imagine Mr. Nasty in a pink tutu. It is hard to get angry with a fat 50-year-old in a pink tutu. Not laughing (or being sick) may be a greater challenge than staying calm.

• Pull out your imaginary Uzi and splatter their brains over the wall. As Mr. Nasty does not even know what you have done, he cannot retaliate.

• Count to 10. Let the immediate flush of anger pass and regain control of your feelings.

• Breathe deeply, as taught in yoga or Buddhist meditation lessons. Like counting to 10, this allows you to regain control and lets you respond professionally.

Finally, remember that happiness is the greatest revenge. Mr. and Mrs. Nasty are nasty today and probably have nasty lives. That is their problem. They may make you stressed today, but tomorrow you will be happy and they will not. You have won.