The Most Uncommon Cold I - Life in the Time of Zombies (31 page)

     “Uh … Thomas is it?”  The old guy, Louis Stoaffer, turned his unnaturally bright blue eyes on me.  “Thomas, if you just allow me a few minutes of your time, I am certain that you will find it worth your while.”

     I felt like this Stoaffer guy had changed right before my eyes. Seconds earlier he had been a barely coherent crazy old drunk with some kind of disturbing glow about him, and now he was coming off like someone who could be our key to the big time.  Of course, I was not ready to accept the idea.

     Joey was standing there with a big grin on his face.  I just started shaking my head.

     “So whadda yuh think?” He looked at me, and I knew he had already made up his mind.

     “I think you’ve already decided to follow a crazy old drunk on some wild goose chase.”

     “So whadda yuh think?”  Joey repeated with a wider grin.  “It ain’t like we got lotsa great ideas.”  

     He actually seemed to be enjoying the whole thing.  It must have been boyish enthusiasm for adventure or something.  It kind of made you forget that he had just beaten a man to death with a bag of coins.

     I glanced over at Louis Stoaffer.  He was no longer shaking like some speed freak.  If anything, he now seemed to be relaxed.  And the strangest thing was his face that had been pale and pockmarked now looked a lot more normal.  Any further consideration of the old guy’s change in appearance was pushed aside by a noise from our audience of hostages. 

     “Excuse me, gentlemen, but…” The businessman, who had been looking impatient at being delayed, was now walking toward us. 

     Before the man had taken more than three steps, Joey whipped around, raised the gun, and fired a bullet into the place where there had been a nose.  His body stayed upright for a few seconds.  Then his knees gave way and the body tumbled forward.

     All of this happened so quickly that the room was absolutely silent for a few seconds as the body twitched on the floor.  Then a scream from the young mother broke through.  Her scream was from being scared by the sound of the gun not from seeing what had happened. Luckily, an aisle full of bread and cookies blocked the view of the hostages. The last thing we needed was for the group to get hysterical.

     Right then I realized that Joey’s plan was to kill all of these people before we left the store. That actually made sense.  They had seen us very clearly and could give the police good descriptions.  Logically, killing them would be the way to go.  But I wasn’t here to kill people.  I could justify robbery, burglary, mugging, extortion, and a whole lot of other stuff.  But murder was different. 

     “Okay, if you think listening to some crazy old drunk is going to pay off, I’ll tag along.”  I said quickly to Joey.  My words were to distract him rather than show any true optimism about the plan of action.

Before anyone else had a chance to speak, Louis Stoaffer cleared his throat and announced enthusiastically, “Great!  It’s settled then.  Shall we get started?” 

Joey and I and maybe everyone else in the room stared at the old man as he continued, “So what should we do with these fine people?”  He nodded toward the group of hostages and then turned his gaze to Joey.  “Any ideas?” he asked with a wink.

It seemed to be another inside joke where I was on the outside.  

Joey answered with a wink of his own, raised the pistol, pointed it in the general direction of the terrified hostages, and started to slowly swing it between them.

“Hold on!”  I surprised myself by stepping forward.  “I have a better idea.” 

Louis Stoaffer looked at me with a sort of amused expression.

I looked around the area quickly and not seeing what I wanted moved into the office. All the while, the others watched me with confusion.  Well, not everyone looked confused.  The old man continued to look on with amusement.

On the concrete floor in the corner of the office, I found what I wanted and quickly returned to the other room.

As I moved toward the others, I quickly flipped through the magazine.  It was some movie magazine with lots of pictures of famous actors.   There was a picture of Brad Pitt with George Clooney. I considered using this one, but they were too well known to work.  Finally, I saw an advertisement with a couple of guys standing around a truck supposedly discussing the great gas mileage and dependability of the vehicle. 

“Okay, I want everybody to look at this picture and describe the two men.” I walked closer so that they could get a better look. 

The blonde leaned near so that she could see. “Okay, there is one thirty-ish looking guy with brown hair and a light brown beard.  He’s kind of husky. And…”

She was interrupted by the young mother.  “And the other man is older with dark black hair.  He might be the other one’s father…”

The elderly man spoke up, “No I think he’s an insurance salesman.”

“It doesn’t matter what his job is!  I want you to describe him!”  My comment came out more loudly and more impatiently than I had intended, and the people in front of me recoiled a little.

After a moment, the elderly woman spoke up to correct her husband. “No, he looks too athletic to be an insurance man.  Look at those muscles.  He is very fit.  I think his hair looks a little fake like maybe he’s wearing a toupee.”

“Yes! Her husband agreed with her.  “You’re right, Gwen.  He looks like he works out.” 

“Good! What else?”  I was actually enjoying this.

“The younger guy has no wedding ring but the older guy does,” the blonde observed.

“Interesting point,” I commented lightly. 

The humor was not lost on the others as they laughed enthusiastically. For a brief instant, everyone seemed to forget the dangerous predicament in which they found themselves. Joey quickly stepped forward to remind them.

“Good thinkin’, Thomas.  Better to have a false ID than a pile of bodies” Joey said, and the laughter instantly stopped. “Anyways, looks like we’re all havin’ a good time here. So as long as we’re gettin’ to know each other so good, I want ev’rybody to give me their driver’s licenses.” 

For a few seconds, no one moved as if confused as to what they should do.

“I want yer driver’s licenses!”  Joey cleared up the confusion instantly. He turned to Louis Stoaffer.  “You too.”

With a flash of a smile, the old man responded, “I have to apologize. I lost that important document about ten years ago.”  His chuckle was shared by Joey. 

Licenses were quickly removed from purses and wallets and passed forward to Joey who made a show of looking at each carefully. 

“Oh, Jennifer, put on some weight, haven’t you?” He commented to the blonde woman.  Her reaction was a brief look of cold hatred before lowering her eyes.

“Okay, Jennifer, William, Gwendolyn, Laura, and…” Joey looked at the children with a puzzled expression.  “What’re the kids’ names?”

Laura looked up with a face full of terror and appeared unable to speak.

Joey continued, “Oh, it don’t really matter.  What alluh yuh should remember is we know yer names and where yuh live.  What my very smart friend here did was show yuh the description to give tuh the police.”

He looked around at his audience who appeared to be listening carefully and so he continued but in a louder voice, “Now, jus’ so we understand each other, if I look in the paper or watch the news in the next coupla days and see a little drawing that don’t look like those fags in the magazine, I’m gonna come back here to-” He pulled a license out of his hand.  “I’m gonna come back here tuh four forty-five Almond Drive.”  The elderly couple looked up with the expected frightened response.  “And then, I’m gonna pay a visit to… Well, yuh got the idea.”

“What about him?”  The blonde asked indicating the old man.

“Whadda yuh mean?” Joey answered impatiently.

“How should we describe him?” 

I could see the genuine confusion on her face as well as sense Joey’s growing annoyance. “Don’t you think the police will know what he looks like?  I asked quietly.

She turned her eyes to me.  “Well, I’ve lived here since I was six-years-old, and I have never seen him before.  So I don’t know that the police have.”  The others nodded in agreement. 

“Well, I guess you can tell them whatever you want about him or just leave him out.  I don’t expect him to be with us too long any way.”  I turned to see the old man smiling at the slightly-veiled threat.

I felt a little uneasy with the news that no one there had seen Louis Stoaffer before then.

Before I had much time to consider this fact, Joey broke in, “Okay, let’s tape them up.”  He produced rolls of silver duct tape from somewhere. 

We quickly went to work on them.  For my part, I tried to place the tape as gently as possible without hurting anyone. This effort was not made by Joey as I heard squeals of pain from the elderly woman. 

As I taped her hands, feet, and mouth, the            blonde woman glared at me with the same hatred she had        earlier directed at my partner.  Once done with her, I looked into the very frightened eyes of the children as I stuck strips of tape across their mouths as gently as possible.  It was not a sight that was easily forgotten.   

Once we were finished, Joey looked over all the tape as if he didn’t quite trust my dedication to the job. When he was satisfied that they were secured, he asked, “Okay, yuh ready to get outta here?”

     Just as I was about to answer, I looked towards the old man snatching rolls of peppermint candy off the shelf and shoving them in his pockets.  Then something caught my eye from beyond him outside of the front window.  The same two cops that I had seen earlier were walking slowly by.  Luckily, they seemed completely uninterested in anything that might be happening inside the store. 

Without waiting any longer, Joey moved next to Louis Stoaffer and grabbing the back of his arm just above the elbow pushed him toward the door at the back of the store. 

     And I followed.

Chapter 2

     You want to hear something funny?  I kind of looked up to Joey. It was not like I had to stand on my toes or anything.  I mean, he was about five six, and I am just about six foot tall.  That was supposed to be a joke. 

     Anyway, I looked up or admired him for his total lack of restraint.  Joey did whatever popped into his brain.  He did not care about  right or wrong or what other people might think or who could get hurt. That is total freedom, and it sort of made Joey and I complete opposites.  Besides the fact that I am a lot taller than him, Joey looked sort of Mexican and I am too thin and too white.  We definitely made an odd couple. But the differences went deeper than appearance. I worried about doing things I knew were wrong and then worried about getting in trouble for doing things I knew were wrong.  But   Joey did not care about anything except doing what he wanted to do

     Most of us have a voice inside telling us something we are doing or thinking about doing is wrong.  Whether you choose to call the voice a conscience, a higher power, or messages from aliens, most of us pause to think about what  the voice is saying. I say most people, but Joey was not like most people. Either the voice was not there, or he managed to completely ignore it.  I am not sure which it was.  It does not matter.  What matters is Joey never even hesitated.  When he felt like doing something, he just did it.  Of course, so far today the things he had felt like doing had resulted in three corpses, and the day was still young.

    
We wasted no time crossing the empty lot at the back of the store. By the time we got to the car parked on the other side, I had pretty much resigned myself to going along for the ride.  Going along for the ride was exactly what I had always done.

    
Of course, it was not as if a whole load of other options were available to me at that point. I do wonder about it though. If I had known how weird and messed up things were going to get, would I have gone along with Joey and Louis Stoaffer?  But it doesn’t do any good to think about “what-ifs”.  Like they say “you can’t change the past”. 

    
The thing that matters is I got into the car. 

    
It was a big old light blue Lincoln Continental with white interior and suicide doors.  We had swiped the car out of a church parking lot the previous afternoon. The license plates we put on the Lincoln came from a little car in a shopping mall. 

    
Joey opened the rear door on the passenger side and the old guy slid inside. He looked at me and grinned before sliding inside next to him. 

    
That left me to drive.  I had no problems with driving, but the idea of having a crazy old man sitting behind me was not exactly pleasant.   

    
“Where to?”  I asked as I glanced into the rearview mirror. Joey was looking out the window like he was checking to be sure no one was following us. That certainly made good sense. 

    
What didn’t make sense was the look of absolute delight as Louis Stoaffer looked straight at me in the mirror and said, “Oh, we should go to the beach!” 

    
Joey’s head spun away from the window to glare at the old man.  Stoaffer had calmed down quite a bit from the shaky speed freak I had seen a few minutes before.  Still, there was something not normal, not natural.  I could not quite put my finger on it.  All I was sure about was that the old guy made me feel really nervous.