The Most Uncommon Cold I - Life in the Time of Zombies (32 page)

    
“First, just get us away from here.”  Joey said without taking his eyes from Louis Stoaffer. “Then as we’re goin’, we can figger out if this old man’s body is gonna be thrown out along the road.”

    
The store was not far from the highway which was why we had picked it.  It was very convenient.  Joey looked out the window in all directions to be sure we were making a clean getaway.  We were on the highway headed north before anyone said anything else. 

    
“Okay, old man, I want to-” Joey began before being interrupted.

    
“Louis Stoaffer.  That’s my name.”  The old man reintroduced himself with some pleasure as if meeting new friends.  “If we are going to be spending time together, I think we should know each other’s names.” 

    
He looked toward Joey expecting some sort of introduction.  The response he got didn’t quite seem to be the one he had been expecting. 

    
“Fuck you, Louis Stoaffer!”  Joey immediately showed why he was a role model for psychopaths everywhere.  “We ain’t gonna be buddies, and we ain’t gonna be spendin’ time together.  Jus’ tell us what you were talkin’ about in the store, and we’ll let you outta the car. Otherwise, jus’ shut the hell up!”

    
You would have thought Stoaffer had just been told that his puppy died.   All the energy left his body. His shoulders sagged and his lower lip pushed out.  For a minute, I honestly thought he was going to cry.

    
When he made eye contact with me in the rearview mirror, he appeared to get some of his energy back.  “Louis Stoaffer,” he announced to me hopefully

    
“Yeah, so I heard.”  I wasn’t trying to be a jerk, but the old guy gave me the creeps. 

    
I kept driving north with no destination other than a place that was not here, but it was hard to keep my eyes on the road instead of looking at our strange passenger in the rearview mirror.  The world directly outside the car offered little in the way of distraction.  The dry foothills were covered with dead weeds and scrub oaks with a few bony horses and scrawny cows shuffling through the dust.

    
The old man kept his eyes down for maybe thirty seconds before suddenly raising them and smiling energetically again. 

    
“Oh, well, never mind.  We will have time to get to know each other later.”  His eyes darted around at Joey and me.  “The important thing is we’re off on a grand adventure now.”

    
A grand adventure, the phrase nearly caused me to laugh out loud.  A grand adventure is definitely not what I would call this.

    
While I repressed my laughter, Joey made no such attempt, and a roar burst from his chest.  “A grand adventure!” He had to catch his breath before continuing. “Yeah, that’s right!  Here we are startin’ a grand adventure!  Jus’ three guys on a road trip!”  Joey’s explosive laughter echoed throughout the car. 

    
The sound did not have the calming, light effect of most laughter. I had seen Joey’s laughter turn to brutality in a heartbeat so many times that it now caused a  sense of dread to grow within me. 

    
His body continued to shake with the ripples of giggles and chuckles for what seemed like a long time. 

    
Finally, he took a deep breath and said, “Whoa, okay now that we had a good laugh, it’s time tuh figger out what we’re gonna do next.” 

    
He looked closely at the old man next to him for a moment before saying anything.

    
“Well, Lou?” Joey grinned. “Where’re we headed on this grand adventure?”

    
The old man didn’t respond instead he was perfectly still just staring straight ahead with a big smile on his face.

    
“Hey!” Joey roughly prodded Louis Stoaffer’s shoulder.  “Where’re we gonna make this big score you were talkin’ ‘bout in the store?”

    
There was still no response from him for a few seconds.  All of a sudden, the old guy took a huge gasp of air like he had just come from under water or something. He looked around with obvious confusion in his eyes. It was the same kind of look as a drunk waking up in a strange place with no memory of how he got there.  Considering the fact Louis Stoaffer was obviously no stranger to the bottle, such a reaction should not have seemed out of place.  But then again, somehow nothing about the strange old man seemed right.

    
In a matter of seconds, he seemed to recover his senses and become comfortable once again.  The old man looked at Joey with a wide grin on his face but said nothing as he popped another peppermint Lifesaver in his mouth.

    
Finally, after shaking his head in disbelief, Joey asked with a humorless chuckle, “Well, have you got any idea where we’re goin’, Lou?  Or was the whole story jus’ a buncha bull shit?”

    
Stoaffer’s grin grew to the point where it seemed like his face would be torn in two.  His eyes shifted to the rearview mirror to make contact with my own before looking back at Joey. 

    
“Don’t worry, my friends.”  Something about the way he said friends and smiled made the back of my neck tingle.  “You just need a little faith.”

    
Like I said before, I had known Joey for a long time and seen him react to situations in some shocking ways.  Right then, none of that mattered. I was never shocked more than by what he did next. 

    
After a moment in which nothing within the car seemed to move, my short, dark partner threw back his shaved head in utter joy and let loose a roar of genuine, unbridled laughter. 

    
“Ah, this guy!”  Joey exclaimed as he moved to Louis Stoaffer, threw his arm around the old man, and pulled him closer.  With his left hand still holding the gun, he tussled Louis’s already wild gray hair with his right.  “You hear that, Thomas?  ‘You just need a little faith’!”  He jerked his head back again and howled with laughter. 

    
I watched in the mirror as his body continued to shake with glee.  Louis Stoaffer remained still and simply kept staring back at me with a smile glued to his wrinkled face.

    
Once Joey appeared to have regained control of himself, I said, “Joey, we don’t have time for this shit.  We need to figure out what we are going to do.  Right now, we’re headed nowhere.  So let’s make a plan and then get off the road as soon as possible.”

    
I didn’t bother to look in the mirror to see what was going on behind me.  The silence from the backseat gave me a picture of Joey pouting, because I had not shared in his delight.

    
After a moment, he grumbled, “Okay, you’re right.  So where to, Lou?”

    
I looked in the mirror to see Joey glaring at the old man.  Stoaffer seemed completely unaware of the scrutiny as his ever-present smile broadened once again.

    
“Well … I … I suppose we should head south.”  The uncertainty was pretty obvious in his voice. 

    
I felt my body tighten with anger at having been taken in by this crazy old man.  My irritation continued to grow, but it was nothing compared to the rage burning in the backseat.

    
“You’ve got no fuckin’ idea, do yuh old man?” With Joey’s face was so close to Louis Stoaffer’s, I’m sure he felt the heat of Joey’s breath. 

    
In a flash of movement, Joey’s face was replaced by the Glock.  Louis Stoaffer’s smile was still on his face, but now the expression was squished as the barrel of the gun pressed into his cheek.

    
“Yuh better come up with somethin’ real damn quick       or else we got no use for yuh!” Joey  was trembling with anger.

    
I fully expected to hear the blast of the gun at any moment. Instead, Louis Stoaffer chuckled as he said, “Oh, that’s not necessary.  I told you I knew of a place where we could make a killing, and that place is near the beach in San Pietro.”  Joey slowly removed the gun from Louis’s cheek, and the old guy sat back with a look of smugness as if there couldn’t possibly any further doubts about his plan.

    
“Tell us more about this place.” I said still not willing to give this man complete trust.

    
“I’d rather show you.”  He said quietly in an almost soothing way.

    
“Tell you what, Lou.  I’d rather you told us all about this place right now. Before we toss you outta this car.  We’re not gonna drive eight hours to San Pietro only to find out you’re full of shit!”

    
Joey nodded in agreement with what I said.

    
Stoaffer’s smile faded to be replaced momentarily by an expression of irritation.  Then the smile returned.   He sat still for a few seconds before reaching into his pocket.  His dirty, trembling hands held another roll of mints.  He popped one into his mouth and said, “As you wish.” He said as if he was some genie making dreams come true. “San Pietro is where I used to live.  You may not believe this judging by my present appearance, but I was once a successful businessman.” 

    
I found it very hard to believe.  A grunt from Joey signaled his own suspicion.  Despite the response, Stoaffer continued, “I was wealthy enough to have a large home in a very exclusive development along the beach in San Pietro.” 

    
Watching the old man’s face in the mirror, I could see the memories had not been recalled in quite some time.  He seemed to lose himself in the visions of his past.  His lip curled somewhat into the hint of a smile, and he nodded a little without realizing it. The question from Joey yanked him out of his happy place.

    
“So what the hell happened?  I mean, you ain’t no businessman now.”

    
Louis Stoaffer looked a Joey but was silent for a few seconds as if contemplating the question.  The only sound he made was the clicking of the mint rolling around in his mouth.

    
“No, I would have to agree with you.  I
ain’t no businessman now
.”  He chuckled without humor.  “But as to what happened…”  The old man paused as if trying to sort out the answer in his head.

    
Before he could continue, the sound of a siren distracted us all.  We all looked around to locate the direction of the sound.  Within seconds, two white and green Butte County police cars appeared in front of us and sped by. 

    
“Looks like there must be some trouble in town.”  Stoaffer commented with something close to giddiness. 

    
“Let’s just hope that our friends have the good sense to do as they were told.”  I commented flatly. 

    
Joey added, “Guess we’ll know soon enough. Right now we jus’ need tuh get outta here.”  Then looking at Stoaffer, he said, “So as you were sayin’…” 

    
“Yes, you wanted to know how I went from being a successful, wealthy businessman to … to  ... uh … to the person you see before you.”

    
I found myself very interested in what Stoaffer had to say and straining my ears to catch every word.  A glance into mirror showed that my interest was shared by Joey.

    
“I suppose it should come as no surprise that a woman played a key role in my tumble.”

    
A chuckle from Joey distracted Louis Stoaffer for a moment.  The old man smiled at him before continuing.  “Yes, it’s certainly not a new story.  All the way back to the Garden of Eden, right?” He looked to Joey for a sign of agreement, which he got in a nod.  “However, this woman’s name wasn’t Eve, and she definitely wasn’t offering apples.”

    
Even in the rearview mirror, Stoaffer’s hesitancy to call up the deep, painful memories was obvious. He squeezed his eyes tightly closed for a few moments.  When he reopened them, the strange old guy was smiling the same weird, sort of glowing smile that I had seen in the grocery store. His smile seemed to pull everything into it.  It was like his smile was the only thing that mattered. I could not avoid gazing at the old man’s smile.

    
I am not sure exactly how long I stared into the smile on Louis Stoaffer’s face.

    
“Hey!  Watch the road!” Joey’s voice brought me back behind the steering wheel of the old light blue Lincoln Continental with white interior and suicide doors which had drifted into the gravel on the shoulder of the road.

    
I quickly put us back on the road while being careful not to let my eyes float back to the rearview mirror.

    
“The woman of whom I speak is named Theresa.” He paused for a few seconds as if saying the name had used all of his energy.  He continued in a quiet  voice, “We were married for four years. Not every minute was wonderful, but most of them were.”  In an even quieter voice, “At least, that is what I thought.”

    
Despite my uneasiness about Louis Stoaffer, I again found myself hanging on each word and did not like waiting as he took a long pause.