The Next Thing on My List (28 page)

At one point, Mary Jo from the vanpool department said, ‘ This baby is being born in August, right?’

‘ Uh-huh.’

‘ This August?’

‘ Of course this August. Why would you ask that?’

‘ It’ s only that it’ s so soon, and you don’ t seem very prepared.’

‘ I’ m prepared,’  I said defensively, knowing full well she was right. I hadn’ t even given an inkling of thought to a name. Something was definitely wrong about that, but I pushed the worry away.

Eventually, people started wandering back to their offices. Susan had to rush off to a meeting. I was packing up the gifts when Phyllis showed up, apologizing that a meeting with Bigwood had gone longer than expected.

‘ This is for you.’  She thrust a wrapped box at me. ‘ I got the same thing for my grandbaby.’

I didn’ t miss the message behind her words. ‘ Your daughter got the letter,’  I said softly. ‘ You’ ve made up.’

‘ Well, we’ re not exactly sitting around holding hands and singing ‘ Kumbaya,’  but’ -her face shone as she talked-’ we’ ve been talking. Met the husband. And their kids are cute as hell. They got this wild curly hair-I don’ t know where it came from. Danny is three, and Jennifer just turned a year.’

‘ Those are pretty common names from a girl named Sunshine.’

‘ Sally,’  she corrected me. ‘ She goes by Sally now. But get this: Her husband rides a motorcycle-how’ s that for a kick in the pants? A little Honda piece of crap, but still. There’ s hope for that girl yet if she picked a husband who rides.’  Phyllis gestured to the gift. ‘ Anyway, open it.’

As I tore into the wrapping paper, Phyllis asked how the list was going.

‘ I’ m almost done. Two tasks left to go,’  I said, holding up a tiny Harley-Davidson leather jacket. ‘ Oh, Phyllis, this is so cute! Thank you.’

She nodded and then said, ‘ Which ones do you have left to do?’

‘ Find a guy named Buddy Fitch and make him pay-that’ s a tough one. I’ m stumped. I’ m spending every night on the Internet searching. The other is that I have to change someone’ s life.’

‘ That letter you wrote changed my life,’  Phyllis said. ‘ So go ahead and mark that one done.’

Shaking my head, I said, ‘ Thanks, but not a chance. I only threw words on paper. Getting back with your daughter& you did that on your own. Anyway, I’ m bringing the final adoption papers over to Deedee and her family this Saturday. I figure as soon as we sign them, it’ ll be official. Then I’ ll feel as if I can say I’ ve changed a life.’

My heart skittered as I said all that out loud.

Phyllis must have noticed because she said, ‘ There’ s nothing to be nervous about. You’ ll do a fine job.’

I sure hoped so. Little Whatever-her-name-was-going-to-be deserved the best mom possible.

DEEDEE PALED as she watched the woman writhe nude on the screen in front of us. Maybe this childbirth class was a mistake. The adoption lawyer had recommended it because it was especially for girls giving up their babies. I promised to take Deedee every Wednesday night until she went into labor. Unfortunately, seeing what she was in for in just over a month’ s time, Deedee looked more frightened than I’ ll bet I had when I’ d seen The Birds.

I did my best to comfort her. ‘ The sort of woman who’ d let her birth be filmed for the world to see is going to be the type to scream a lot,’  I whispered. ‘ And I know for a fact that you don’ t have to be completely naked.’

A girl whose name tag identified her as Janai leaned over. ‘ Yeah, and I got two words for that lady: bikini wax. I thought her bush was the kid’ s head coming out.’

Another piped up, ‘ Why is she doing it without no painkillers?’

‘ I say pass the Demerol and wake me when it’ s over,’  Janai added. ‘ And I’ m getting me a Brazilian wax before I go in. If a whole bunch of people are going to be staring at my snatch, I might as well make it pretty.’

‘ Especially if it’ ll help take the focus off my ass,’  a girl agreed woefully. ‘ I know guys like junk in the trunk, but I’ ve got a fucking dump truck going back there.’

‘ I hear that,’  someone seconded.

I could tell that Deedee wanted to participate in the exchange, but she was way out of her league. Although the other girls were teenagers, they all seemed to have more mileage on them. Still, for all their swagger-and they’ d spent the first part of the session swapping stories about deadbeat boyfriends so bad that they made Troy Jones seem like Father of the Year-there was no missing that they were scared.

The birth movie ended, and the instructor opened the floor for questions. Janai raised her hand. I expected her to ask about painkillers, which was what I would have wanted to know in her shoes. But she said, ‘ What if there’ s something wrong with the baby and they don’ t want it?’

The instructor-and there was a woman with a tough job-then facilitated a discussion about a birth mother’ s rights vs. adoptive parents’  rights. That segued into how to find a good lawyer and how drug use during pregnancy affects the baby’ s health. I whispered to Deedee, ‘ Guess you’ d better cut down on the crack cocaine, huh?’  but she either didn’ t hear me or pretended not to.

On the drive home, Deedee was as quiet as she’ d been during our first few get-togethers. I didn’ t push it. I had plenty on my mind myself.

There’ d been a moment in the film when a girl handed her baby over to an adoptive mother. The pure joy on the woman’ s face as she accepted the child should have been thrilling, but it sent a shot of panic pulsing through me. I’ ll bet anything she had remembered the due date. That she had a name picked out. That she knew the difference between a washcloth and a burp towel. Heck, she’ d probably read What to Expect cover to cover a dozen times.

Was there something wrong with me?

I had told Susan I wasn’ t having second thoughts, but what about the fact that I wasn’ t having any thoughts at all?

I’ d been counting on getting more excited as the baby’ s due date neared. Instead, fears that I might be making a huge mistake had been creeping into my consciousness. It was getting harder and harder to squelch them, but I had to. There was a little girl about to be brought into the world who needed me. I couldn’ t let her down.

When I pulled up to drop Deedee off, there was an unfamiliar car in her driveway. ‘ Looks like you have company.’

She groaned. ‘ My mom’ s fiancé.’

I was stunned. ‘ I didn’ t know your mom was getting married. You never even mentioned that she had a boyfriend.’

‘ He’ s the manager at the restaurant where she works. They’ ve been going out awhile now.’

‘ Do you like him?’

‘ They French-kiss in the living room,’  she said by way of reply, making a gagging noise.

‘ How soon are they getting married?’

She shrugged. ‘ My mom wants to do it before her thirtieth birthday for some reason. That’ s in December.’

My jaw dropped and nearly hit the steering wheel. ‘ Your mom is only twenty-nine?’

‘ Why?’  She snickered. ‘ How old did you think she was?’

‘ I don’ t know. Older than me, I guess. She’ s about to be a grandma!’

‘ No, she’ s not,’  Deedee said quietly, and she pushed on the door handle to let herself out of the car.

What could I say? She was right. My mom was about to be a grandma. As I watched Deedee walk up the steps to her house, I thought about that film again.

The whole time, my eyes had been on the arms holding the baby. It occurred to me for the first time that Deedee’ s had been most likely on the arms handing the baby away.

IT WAS TEN O’ CLOCK by the time I got home. I changed into an oversize T-shirt and my cotton robe, then hit ‘ play’  on my answering machine while I set up the coffeemaker for the morning.

There were three messages. The first was from my mom, saying that she wanted to have a baby shower for me and would a week from Saturday work?

Then it was my brother, Bob. ‘ June, are you home? Pick up if you’ re home& . No, huh? Okay, well, I’ ll try to catch you later.’  It was the first I’ d heard from him or Charlotte since the scene at my parents’  party. Bob almost never called. In fact, make that never. Even on my birthday it was Charlotte who made the call for both of them.

As soon as I heard the start of the next message, my insides flip-flopped. ‘ Hi, June, this is Troy. I’ ve been trying to call, but you’ re not an easy woman to get on the phone. I hate to leave this in a message, but here goes. I know we talked about my coming to your meeting Friday to-’

A knock on my door distracted me. Who would be here this late? I stopped the message-I didn’ t need to hear Troy rejecting me again. He’ d made it abundantly clear how he felt, and frankly, the knife twisting in my gut wasn’ t that much fun the first time around.

I hollered, ‘ Who is it?’

‘ It’ s Bob.’

My brother? Here?

I threw open the door. Bob stood there, a dimpled grin on his face, holding a duffel bag. ‘ I tried calling, but-’

‘ Come on in,’  I said, stepping aside to give him room to pass. ‘ Is Charlotte with you?’

‘ No.’  He glanced around my apartment. ‘ Nice place.’

I offered him a beer, poured myself a diet soda, and made small talk while he settled on my couch and I took a chair.

‘ So, what brings you to my neck of the woods?’  I finally asked.

‘ I’ m wondering if I can bum a spot on your couch for a few days. I’ d stay with Mom and Dad, but& ‘  He shrugged instead of finishing.

‘ Sure. You can stay here as long as you need to. I’ ve got the spare room.’

‘ The baby’ s room.’

‘ Right now it’ s the storage room, so good luck fighting your way to the bed. But yeah, I plan to decorate after this weekend. What’ s going on-you up here for work?’  His company had a Los Angeles office not far from where I worked downtown. We’ d talked about how we’ d do lunch when he was up here, but we’ d never actually gotten around to it.

‘ Yes. No.’  He slumped back on the couch. ‘ What I mean is that I can work out of the L.A. office, but that’ s not why I’ m here. Charlotte and I& we need a break.’

‘ You’ re not splitting, are you?’  That would be impossible. I knew how he adored her.

To my relief he said, ‘ Not even close. But I can’ t listen to her carrying on about this adoption thing anymore. I need breathing room.’

Now it was my turn to slump. ‘ This is my fault.’

Instead of assuring me that wasn’ t the case, Bob chuckled in agreement. ‘ Finding out you were adopting a baby did send her off the deep end. We haven’ t talked about anything else for the past week and a half. She wakes me up to carry on about it. I’ m desperate for sleep.’

Part of me felt bad for him, but I also thought he’ d brought this on himself by being so stubborn. I was probably overstepping my bounds, but I said, ‘ Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?’

‘ It doesn’ t have anything to do with my sperm count, does it?’

‘ No, but I’ m curious: Why are you so opposed to adoption? I mean, just because a baby doesn’ t have your genes doesn’ t mean you couldn’ t love it.’

Bob looked sucker punched. ‘ You don’ t think I know that? June, I’ m not the one who’ s against adoption. Charlotte is. I’ d give my left nut for a kid. Any kid.’

‘ Charlotte?’

‘ She’ s got it in her head that having a baby of our own is the only way to go,’  Bob explained. ‘ And I understand where she’ s coming from. She didn’ t even know her own dad-she wants to guarantee that I feel bonded. But I don’ t give a crap at this point. Between her medical problems and mine, we’ ve had a dozen doctors tell us our chances to conceive are slim to none. Most use the term miracle when they’ re talking odds. I’ m sick of the hormones and the thermometers. Hell, I’ m getting sick of having sex.’

‘ I find that hard to believe.’

He smiled. ‘ Okay, maybe I’ m sick of sex on a schedule. Anyway, as soon as Charlotte heard you were going to become a mother, she freaked. She’ s on my ass about another round of in vitro, more tests& and I’ m done. She doesn’ t want to hear it, but she needs to. I’ m fucking done.’

‘ Well, for the record, I hope you work it out,’  I said. ‘ You’ d be an awesome dad.’

‘ Thanks.’  He swigged down the last of his beer. ‘ And I enjoyed your letter, by the way. I always knew you worshipped your big bro.’

As I helped him make up the bed in the spare room, I saw his gaze fall on the baby gifts from the shower, which I had stacked in there. ‘ Sorry about all this junk,’  I said, wishing I’ d had him sleep on the couch, where at least he wouldn’ t be surrounded by what he deserved but for some freak reason I was getting instead.

Chapter 23

I shook my brother awake at three a.m.

‘ What the& ?’  he grumbled. I clicked on the overhead light, and he shielded his eyes in protest.

‘ You should adopt the baby,’  I said excitedly. Everything in me felt buzzy. I hadn’ t slept at all.

‘ No shit. Haven’ t we already had this discussion? Yes, I hope to adopt a baby. Now turn the light off and let me go back to sleep.’

‘ You don’ t understand. Not any baby. My baby& that is, I mean Deedee’ s baby. I think she’ ll go for it. You’ re my family, so that’ s practically the same as me. You’ d be a great dad. And I realize that Charlotte doesn’ t want to adopt, but if we explain to her that this isn’ t some distant dream-that it’ s a real baby due in a month-maybe she’ d change her mind.’

Bob sat up in the bed, rubbing his eyes awake. ‘ Slow down. You’ ve lost me here. Why would you want us to adopt your baby?’

I sat on the edge of the bed. ‘ Because somebody needs to, and I can’ t do it.’  The words fell like bricks around me.

‘ You can’ t do it?’

I shook my head. ‘ Or I shouldn’ t, anyway.’

‘ Why?’

‘ I’ ve been trying to come up with the answer to that question myself. I guess that I wanted to change somebody’ s life so badly that I convinced myself that my biological clock was ticking. I don’ t know& now I’ m wondering if it was just gas.’  I gave a halfhearted smile. ‘ Instead of getting excited as the due date gets closer, I’ m more and more certain it’ s the biggest mistake of my life.’

‘ You’ re scared. I’ ll bet everybody feels that way.’