Read The Nice Girl Syndrome Online
Authors: Beverly Engel
Most of us begin a relationship thinking we have certain limits as to what we will or will not tolerate from a partner. But as the rela- tionship progresses, we move our boundaries back, tolerating more and more intrusion or going along with things we are really opposed to. Although this can occur even in healthy relationships, in abusive ones a partner begins tolerating unacceptable or even abusive behav- ior and then convinces herself that these boundaries are normal and acceptable. She believes her partner when he tells her she deserves such treatment.
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STABLISHING
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Only you can decide what you will and will not accept in your relationships. In order to set your boundaries, you need to know what they are. Spend some time thinking about the kinds of behaviors that bother you the most, that push your buttons, or that are morally unacceptable to you. Make a list of these behaviors. Your list might include such things as reading your mail, going through your private papers, making fun of you in front of others.
Make another list about what your personal limits are, regarding your partner’s (or a child’s) behavior. For example, you may think it is okay for your partner to have two drinks but no more, since you have noticed that his or her person- ality changes after two drinks. You came from an alcoholic family and have no intention of being involved with a heavy drinker.
Remedy #6: Learn to Communicate Your Limits and Boundaries
Now that you are clearer about what your boundaries and limits are, you will need to communicate to others what they are. You can do this in one of two ways. You can choose an appropriate time to sit down with your partner, a friend, or co-worker and explain that you have been working on establishing better boundaries. Explain why you have the limits and boundaries you have and ask that the other person honor them. You may also take this opportunity to ask your partner to share his or her boundaries and limits with you.
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On the other hand, this method may seem too formal and too scary for you. You may choose instead to stand up for your limits and boundaries on a case-by-case basis. Boundary violations can be healed in the moment if you gently tell the other person about it at the time and he or she apologizes for it and assures you that it will not happen again. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen. The other person may get defensive or deny that he or she violated your boundary. Don’t let this discourage you from bringing up offenses, however. While the individual may deny the violation at the time, after thinking it over he or she may realize what he or she has done and try harder to honor your boundaries in the future. Plus, you need the practice at standing up for yourself and asserting your limits.
Remedy #7: Learn How to Say No
Learning how to say no is a type of boundary setting, but it is so important that I have created a separate remedy for it. I understand that it can be frightening to say no to someone and risk his or her anger, disapproval, or even rejection. But if you cannot say no when you need to, you risk exploitation, a loss of your self-respect, the respect of others, and even perhaps your safety.
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Practice saying the word
no
. Say it out loud when you are by your- self. Say it silently to yourself whenever you would like to say it to someone out loud but are afraid to do so. If you continue practicing and telling yourself you have the right to say no, eventually you’ll gain the confidence to speak your mind out loud.
As women, we certainly have come a long way. But unfortu- nately, many of us have not learned powerful ways to say no. Many have been hampered by the messages that we should be meek, timid, polite, and subservient. We find ourselves without the tools to resist or disagree.
Because many women are not taught how to say no, I will teach you how do so by providing actual dialogue suggestions for specific situations. These suggestions will equip you to resist, disagree, or argue without becoming aggressive.
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Situation: Someone tries to pressure you into doing some- thing.
Suggested response: “I’m not comfortable with that” or “No, I just don’t want to do it.”
If the person continues to pressure you: “I’d like you to respect my feelings” or “I’m not going to change my mind. I feel strongly about this.”
Situation: Someone has made plans that involve you with- out checking with you first.
Suggested response: “That doesn’t work for me. We’ll have to make other arrangements.”
If the person continues to pressure you: “I need you to hear me. I don’t want to do that.”
Remedy #8: Learn How to Be More Assertive
You’ve heard the word
assertive
many times, and no doubt you’ve heard people tell you that you should be more assertive. But this is easier said than done. Let’s start by defining what assertiveness actu- ally is. Assertiveness is an alternative to personal powerlessness and manipulation. It is a tool for making your relationships equal, for avoiding the one-down feeling that often comes when you fail to express what you really want. Being assertive also may increase your self-esteem, reduce anxiety, gain you a greater respect for yourself and others, and improve your ability to communicate more effec- tively with others.
There are many other benefits to assertiveness. Primarily, assertiveness aids you by:
Helping you to act in your own best interest.
Assertiveness encour- ages you to make your own decisions rather than to allow oth- ers to dictate how you should run your life. It encourages you to take initiative and to trust your own judgment.
Helping you to stand up for yourself.
This includes assertive behaviors such as saying no; setting limits on time and energy; responding to criticism, put-downs, or anger; and stating and defending your opinions.
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Helping you to express your feelings honestly and comfortably.
This includes being able to disagree, to show anger, to admit to fear or anxiety, or to be spontaneous without painful anxiety.
Helping you to stand up for your rights.
This includes the ability to respond to violations of your rights or those of others and the ability to work for change.
Helping you to respect the rights of others.
Ultimately, assertive- ness is the ability to accomplish all of the above without hurt- ing others, being unfairly critical of others, or having to revert to manipulation or controlling behavior.
To learn how to stand up for yourself and express your feelings directly and honestly, it may be necessary to overcome certain beliefs about assertiveness, such as:
Believing you don’t have a right to be assertive.
Even though you may have learned otherwise, we all have a right to be assertive about getting our needs met. Assertiveness does not mean you have the right to take advantage of other people in order to take care of yourself or that you have the right to insist on having things your own way. What it does mean is that you have the right to stand up for yourself and look after your own interests, the same as everyone else.
Believing that being assertive will turn people off.
Many people are reluctant to be more assertive because they are afraid peo- ple will think of them as overbearing, pushy, or obnoxious. If you live your life to please everyone else, you will continue to feel frustrated and powerless. This is because what others want may not be what is good for you. You are not being mean when you say no to unreasonable demands or when you express your ideas, feelings, and opinions, even if they differ from those of others. Asserting yourself will not upset people as much as you think it will, and even if it does, they will get over it. When you decide to make changes in the way you deal with people you will be surprised at how quickly they will get used to your new approach. Some people will actually prefer the new you.
Overcoming familial and cultural negativity about being assertive.
This can be a difficult process. We discussed the problems
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women have in overcoming the cultural expectation that they remain passive. The messages you received from your family or your childhood experiences may have also caused you to believe that assertiveness is unacceptable or even dan- gerous. Practice telling yourself the following to counter these messages:
I have the right to be treated with respect by others.
I have the right to express my feelings (including anger) and opinions.
I have the right to say no without feeling guilty.
I have the right to ask for what I want.
I have the right to make my own mistakes.
I have the right to pursue happiness.
So how do you become more assertive? You start by saying no. You start by speaking up when someone does something or says something that is offensive to you. Although there are suggested formats for being assertive, it can be as simple as standing up for yourself.
What you say and the way you say it makes all the difference between being heard and being ignored or dismissed. It is not necessary to put the other person down (aggressive) to express your feelings (assertive). It is important to express yourself and take responsibility for your feelings, not to blame the other person for how you feel. An assertive statement to communicate anger needs to contain two thoughts:
The fact that you are angry or concerned and the reason for it.
What you want the other person to do about it.
A simple form for such a statement is, “I feel concerned (or angry) because . I would like you to .”
Every situation is different, of course, and so the words may dif- fer. Be sure to follow these simple rules:
Practice being assertive by making your needs and grievances known. Instead of withholding your anger or whining, state your grievances when they first come up in as honest a way as you can. In a very direct, assertive way, make your needs known.
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Avoid using “you,” “always,” and “never” statements, such as: “You never take me out anymore” or “You always make fun of me” (these words can shame the other person and make them feel hopeless, misunderstood, or defensive). Instead use “I” statements, such as “I would appreciate it if we could go out at least once a month” or “I don’t like it when you make fun of me.”
Avoid name-calling, insults, or sarcasm.
If you confront someone about inappropriate behavior, don’t back down. If you end up giving in, the next time the person behaves in the same inappropriate way, your words of con- frontation will mean nothing. The other person will just assume you are “spouting off” and that he or she doesn’t need to take you seriously. State your position and stick to it. Don’t back down and don’t apologize for bringing up the issue.
There is also no need to argue about what you have said. If the other person defends him- or herself, listen carefully and then say something like “I understand you don’t agree with me and you have a right to your point of view. But I would appreciate it if you’d think about what I’ve said.”
Be consistent and state consequences. For example, don’t complain endlessly about someone’s excessive drinking and then get drunk with him or her one night. And don’t threaten to end a relationship unless you are willing to stand by your words. Otherwise you’ll weaken your words and your position.
The following information will guide you step-by-step through the process of initiating a positive yet assertive exchange with some- one you are having difficulties with or who has hurt your feelings or angered you.
Start on a positive note.
When you have a complaint about a person’s behavior, it is generally a good idea to start by giving the person some acknowledgment for the positive things that he or she has done or the positive aspects of the relationship. For example, “I want you to know that I really appreciate the fact that you are being less critical of me than you used to be.”
Then give an “I” statement that expresses your feelings and describes the problem very specifically.
Depending on the context and the
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relationship, you may need to be more or less tactful. A posi- tive example: “I don’t like it when you make fun of me in front of our friends like you did last night.”
Avoid blaming statements.
In addition to avoiding blaming “you” statements, such as “You knew that would embarrass me,” also avoid provocative, judgmental ones such as “What’s wrong with you?” or “Don’t you realize it made you look stupid?”
Explain why you are upset.
Include any effects the person’s behavior has had on you. A positive example: “It really embar- rasses me when you make fun of me like that.” Resist the urge to blame or whine. Just state the reasons you are upset.
State your expectations clearly and specifically.
Express firmly, but in a nonblaming way, what your needs, desires, or expecta- tions are concerning the problem. A positive example: “I would appreciate it if you would not do that again. If you do it again, I will call you on it in front of everyone.”
Acknowledge the other person and ask for input.
At this point you can ask the other person where he or she is coming from and for any suggestions he or she might have for solving the prob- lem. Why not begin your encounter with this more empa- thetic approach, you might ask. The reason is that Nice Girls generally have too much empathy for others and not enough empathy for themselves. They also get easily side-tracked by others’ perspectives and excuses. Once you have let off some steam and made your needs and expectations clear, you can better afford to listen to the other person’s point of view and give him or her a chance to be a problem-solving collabora- tor. A positive example: “Thank you for listening to me. Now I’d really like to hear what you have to say about the situation and what suggestions you might have to solve the problem.”