Authors: Vivienne Harris-Scott
((~~!~~))
Julian tried to relax, but he couldn't.
Every nerve in his body was wound tight and getting tighter by the minute. The
more James talked, the tighter he got. He needed to find her, see her, and hold
her. Now.
He
was a bloody idiot. How could he have let her go?
How?
Why
had he left her to deal with this monumental secret? "Fuck," he
growled and swiped a hand through his hair.
How the fuck was he supposed to
react to this? Deal with this?
His
heart hurt, his head hurt even more. Not knowing where she was, not knowing how
she felt, after he let her walk out of his life without fighting for her, made
his stomach lurch.
He
couldn't cope with this. He thought he had been at breaking point the night
before, this was worse.
Much worse
.
He
now understood why she had bolted. And by all accounts, why she would try her
damnest
not to be found.
Not
only she feared he was still in touch with Ethan, but worse, he would just hand
her over to him.
He
was in love with her. She was embedded in him. If he had lingering doubts about
the lengths he was willing to go for her, they were eradicated.
He
was afraid for her, and if Ethan had the unfortunate luck to cross his path,
tough luck.
He
knew without a shadow of a doubt that there would be hell to pay. Brother or
not. Promises or not.
He
would kill him with his own hands before he allowed him to even breathe her
name.
Yet,
he still had an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Things
were clearer, yet something was amiss. Something in what James had told them
did not make sense. He didn
’
t
know what it was exactly, but he couldn
’
t reconcile what James had related to
then, with the Ethan he knew; but James had been sincere, he was certain of it.
Julian,
put the nagging feeling out of his mind as he watched the man sit down and pour
some
Talisker
in one of the glasses set on the table.
“
So, this is why I couldn
’
t tell you anything. She trusted me.
”
James Marshall concluded, sipping his
drink, and exhaling heavily.
He
looked drained and was very pale, no doubt, mirroring Julian
’
s own features.
Marcus
was massaging his temples, clearly shocked by the turn of events.
There
was a long silence between the three men, each of them lost in their own
thoughts.
Finally,
Julian said in a low, pleading, voice,
“
James, can you find her? Again?
”
James
looked up and with a sad smile replied,
“
I can try.
”
Julian
nodded,
”
Do
your best, James. I will not rest until we find her.
”
The
sound of his cracking phalanges being the only one in the room
CHAPTER 42
Vi
“
You
look like shit!
”
he welcomed her with a smile.
“
You
’
re lucky, you are my brother! What kind of
greeting is this?!
”
she shook her head, smiling back at him.
He
embraced her tightly, and said,
“
Welcome
home mami!
”
She
looked at her little brother, tears in her eyes. She was so happy to see him.
She needed to be with someone who would protect her at all costs if someone
came looking for her. He was it.
She
needed time to think, and what more perfect place for that than Langkawi?
Her
brother had bought the house seven years ago when he retired from modelling
stating he needed
’
peace
’
away from the craziness of the fashion
world. He only lived there about three months per year, when he was not
travelling for the fashion house he built over the past few years. No one knew
about the house except his accountant and a very select few. Only six people
knew she used it, including the two of them, and none would ever disclose the
information to anyone else.
This
was his retreat and had been hers when she left Australia. His house was the
closest she had to a
‘
home
’
. She had spent close to two years there,
healing and regaining herself.
She
had come to Langkawi after leaving London upon confirmation her cancer had
returned. Lily had organized the surgeries in Singapore, and had accompanied
her to the house afterwards, staying for a full month to ensure she was indeed
in optimum conditions to regroup and start a new life.
No
one would ever find her there.
((~~!~~))
She had left Dubai in a hurry. Her work
had been completed since the previous week, but she had decided to stay a few
more days to rest. Julian last phone call had prompted her to change her flight
back to the US. She was supposed to leave a few hours after his arrival, at
5:00a.m. the next morning precisely. Her luggage was packed and ready, and she
had planned to have a quick dinner and retire early so she would leave the
hotel at 3:00 a.m. for the international airport. Instead, Julian had
unexpectedly showed up at her door at 6:00 p.m. throwing her plans into
disarray. Seeing him had precipitated her immediate checkout.
It
is safe to say
,
being near him is dangerous to your
sanity,
she had thought, trying to calm herself after their
encounter.
After
leaving him, she had taken a taxi at the hotel, but instead of going to the
airport to catch the flight to Boston to see Lily as she had scheduled, she had
asked the chauffeur to drive her to Abu Dhabi, on the opposite end of the
Emirates.
He
had looked at her mystified when she told him she would pay a triple fare if he
took her there immediately. Thank God, money always talked in such matters.
Upon getting there, she had started to relax. Booking a flight to Doha had been
easy, and she was using a different passport to exit the country and go to
Qatar, so for all intents and purposes if someone looked for her: she was still
in the Emirates, and they would search for her in Dubai where she landed and
where she worked.
She
had the feeling Julian would ring James after seeing her, and she was not a
betting woman but knew the first thing James would do to find her was to check
the manifests of all flights leaving Dubai. That
’
s what she would do.
Good
luck with that!
, she had smiled.
After
speaking to Kevin, while in transit, she had felt much calmer.
The
flight from Doha to Kuala Lumpur had been uneventful, except for her mind had
hit its own turbulences as for the first time in over five years she had found
herself thinking of her husband, Ethan McGregor.
The
7-hour flight hadn
’
t
been as restful as she had hoped, notwithstanding Emirates
’
impeccable service.
Once
in KL, getting to Langkawi had been a breeze and here she was at her brother
’
s house, on a secluded tropical island.
((~~!~~))
She is safe. She is finally, where she
needs to be. She can think about what comes next.
She
hates to admit it, but Ethan, not Julian is the man dominating her thoughts
now.
As
if allowing herself to mention his name aloud to Julian has opened the
floodgates of her memory.
Yes,
Ethan is very much present in her mind and in her life.
Definitely
the topic du jour.
Ethan,
the one who holds the key to her heart.
Or
what
’
s
left of it
…
The
woman she is today is a direct result of what has happened to them.
Amen.
You know what that means, right?,
says the voice inside her head.
There
is no point denying it anymore.
Finally
admitting it, are we?
Not
when she is feeling like her life is about to crumble.
Once
again.
Fuck.
Vi
June 2004. Darling Harbour. Sydney.
Australia.
I am happy. I am whole again, and I am
happy.
Ethan
is asleep. I feel his hand on my pregnant belly and can
’
t help but smile.
21
weeks. I am finally, completely, utterly happy for the first time in a long
time. It
’
s
almost unbearable.
Almost.
((~~!~~))
I
’
m starting to be believe, there is a God
after all.
Dr
Beck, my concierge doctor, just left. Ethan and I are both smiling. He
’
s holding the 4D ultrasound in one hand, and
the other is wrapped around my waist. I can see tears glistening in his eyes.
We
’
re having a good week. No, a great one.
I
am just a day into16 weeks and the baby is growing splendidly; we saw him on
the ultrasound machine earlier today, he
’
s beautiful. I could see Ethan
’
s bones definition on the foetus
’
s face. The baby is fully formed, and
extremely active in my uterus. We saw him move; well, Ethan says it was more
like dancing
…
There
is no official word on the sex yet, but we both know; our eyes can
’
t deceive us. It
’
s
a boy.
However,
that
’
s
not the reason why we are both smiling.
My
tumor is.
It
is shrinking. Against all odds. The doctors are stumped, but it
’
s official. It is shrinking, and I might
be rid of cancer sooner than expected.
I
have been following Lily
’
s
prescriptions to the letter from the injection shots and pills to the tinctures
I religiously apply on my lower section every day, the organic diet, the
meditation, the massages, all of it. While for the first few weeks we did not
see any improvement on the scans, the tumor didn
’
t progress and expend either, so the
standstill was a victory in itself. After all, she said she wanted it to
stabilize at the current size, so she could cut it out at the first chance she
got. It really looked like, she was getting her wish and I was getting mine, my
baby was growing unscathed. On the bonus side, I had more energy, was more
focused, and my body actually felt as relaxed as it ever been. I looked
healthy.
The
imperceptible change seems to have occurred at about the one-month mark into my
treatment, or week 15 of my pregnancy. The scan revealed the tumor was
shredding, which was an odd occurrence in itself. The radiologist was alarmed
it was actually metastasising and spreading since bits and pieces seemed to
come off and enter my bloodstream, but test results showed that the parts that
were dissolving without any reason or explanation were calcified and presented
no danger to me. The tumor being still capsulated in its own bubble was indeed shrinking.
The oncologist decided to monitor the progress closely as the unexpected
occurrence could possibly be the premise to something disastrous, and he did
not want to take any chances.
I
’
ve had scans every second days for the
following two weeks, but after ten days, it was a confirmed fact; the tumor was
shrinking, the cancer was receding, against all odds.
Now,
I
’
ve
just spoken to Lily and I have reasons to smile. She has examined the results
that were sent to her hours ago, and when I asked her what it all means in
terms of surgery she told me that I might forego any operation before the
birth, if things remain equal.
I
am shell shocked, but ecstatic and as I shared the news with Ethan an hour ago,
he
’
s
just been smiling ever since. I had prepared for the worse and now it seems the
best is to come yet. Just a few weeks ago, our attorney visited us to change my
will and take legal provisions in case I wouldn
’
t survive and Ethan would be left to care
for our child, and now I
’
m
thinking I was maybe too pessimistic.
The
day that tumor started to shred, my pregnancy took another turn for the better.
Today,
I see what a difference a couple of weeks makes, and while I have not been
given a clean bill of health, I have real, tangible hope. For the first time.
Dr
Beck has come in this evening to deliver one more piece of good news, the baby
is clear of any genetic issues. As I thanked him, I recalled Lily
’
s advice and I think she is right. From
now on:
I
will live.
I
will laugh.
I
will love.
I
am just past the start of week 16, and for the first time since the moment I
have learned I was pregnant, I feel an emotion I haven
’
t allowed myself to feel. Joy. Pure.
Unadulterated.
Ethan
sees it and says, smiling,
“
Why
don
’
t
you get dressed? I want to take my beautiful wife out tonight.
”
I
acquiesce, showing my own set of pearly whites.
((~~!~~))
It has been a long and hard road getting
here.
I
had retreated within myself after the rape. I was angry and I was so ashamed, I
could not bear to face anyone, least of all my own husband. Admitting it to
Kevin and Lily had been one of the hardest things I had to go through, short of
the actual event itself.
Both
were horrified and wanted me to leave Ethan immediately. Lily even suggested
therapy to help me, proposing to look at local specialists for me, but I
refused, telling her, no one else would ever know about this. I wouldn
’
t allow anyone to see me like this. I was
not a victim, I was still me and I would get through this like I had everything
else. I just needed her to be there as always. She caved.
I
’
m not going to say it was easy to get past
it because it wasn
’
t,
but I am me, and albeit the sleepless nights when sheer terror of the unknown
would keep me awake, there is one thing that has always worked in helping me
overcome events: I am me. I knew I would eventually move on. I would not
forget, but I would move on.
When
my pregnancy was confirmed, all I could think of, was escaping Ethan before he
found out so he couldn
’
t
hurt me, hurt us. It was irrational because Ethan is not a violent man, yet I
did take his threat seriously enough when he made them upon returning from New
Zealand. He didn
’
t
know I was pregnant then, but if he could threaten to hurt me after what he
’
d already done, then there was not telling
of how he
’
d
react when he found out I was carrying his child. The fear he installed in me
was enough not to want anyone to know what had happened between us, and the
tangible result of it.
I
was deeply aware, the minute my husband found out, he would refuse to let me
go. Ethan had always had a possessive streak as far as I was concerned. When we
met, it was endearing because he let all the other men in the world know I was
his for keeps and therefore not to be messed with, - they could flirt all they
wanted but I was going home with him -, but since our last anniversary I knew
that streak could be terrifying.
The
night of the ball confirmed my deepest fears. My escape had failed and I was
his prisoner.
Then
the news of my cancer changed everything. For me. For him. Ultimately, for us.
My
first trimester had been horrible, and not because of the morning sickness most
women complain about; I was lucky in that regards, I did not experience it, not
even once. My first trimester was plagued with hate, resentment and fear.
I
hated myself and I hated my husband even more.
Myself,
because I was weak, crippled by fear and anger, and I simply couldn
’
t reconcile this new side of my personality
with how I used to regard myself. Admitting that I was married to a rapist was
hard, admitting I was letting him keep me prisoner because if was afraid was
much harder. I had never been one to shield away from a challenge, yet here I
was, accepting the unacceptable. Even, when I finally spoke out to Kevin and
Lily, and we fomented the plan that would set me free, the shame and the fear
were my predominant feelings. I didn
’
t go see a counsellor and spilled my
sorrow because I was angry and fearful, and no one needed to see me like this.
I would deal with it in due time, the sole and pressing issue was to protect my
child and myself.
I
resented my pregnancy. Don
’
t
get me wrong, the minute I knew I was expecting, I accepted it, and the idea of
an abortion never crossed my mind, but even before my failed escape, I simply
couldn
’
t
connect with the baby growing inside of me. I knew it was there, and I was
doing everything to protect it, but there was no emotional connection between
us. My fear was ruling my actions, not love. My body wasn
’
t showing, in fact I lost quite a bit of
weight due to the immense stress I was under and I simply found myself praying
that God would find a way to make it all go away.
That
night of the ball when Ethan found me, I rang Lily in tears and said the
unthinkable out loud. I told her, I wished I were dead, that the baby was dead.
I was not sure I
’
d
have the strength to keep on going, living in fear, feeling such anger, and
carrying the baby of my tormentor. As I cried, she tried her best to reassure
me and convey her absolute faith that this situation would not last much longer
and soon, I
’
d
be free of Ethan and I
’
d
get to have my baby in peace.
The very next afternoon Kevin rang, announcing he would be flying over
before the week was over; I guess Lily must have called him after we had spoken
and ordered him to come and get me, come hell or high water.
When I woke up at the hospital and was given the news of my cancer, I
thought God was punishing me for wishing my baby
’
s death, and I swore to myself I would
give my life if that meant the baby would live.
No one understood my stance; Kevin and Ethan even formed an unholy
alliance to get me to change my mind. I couldn
’
t admit to either of them that I thought
I had brought this on myself, and as a result was willing to pay the ultimate
price.
When I was released, and went home, Kevin was with me, still trying to
convince me to heal first and then think of children, preferably with a
different man. He even went as far as ask me coldly why I would want to keep a
product of rape, a constant reminder for the rest of my life of what Ethan had
done to me.