Authors: Vivienne Harris-Scott
I told him he could never understand, but internally I was in turmoil.
Not because I made the decision to keep the baby, - that was settled-, but
because I wasn
’
t sure I would ever be able to love him or her. Kevin had made valid
points. I knew Ethan would love his child, but was I just an incubator?
Lily saved me. When she arrived in the evening of April 1st, Kevin
jumped on her trying to rally her to his cause, but she was having none of it,
and tried to temper him. That night, she and I slept in my bedroom talking half
the night. I admitted my profound fears to her, and she replied pragmatically,
“
Mami, you have so much love in you, you
just need to let the gates open again, and trust me that baby not only will be
loved, but you
’
ll never think these dark thoughts ever again
…”
I looked at her thinking it was easier said than done, and as if she
read my mind, she added,
“
Baby, you are pregnant. Granted, you have been given a rotten hand on
how this came about
…
but how you deal is on you, not God, or anyone else...If you make the
decision to love, then you will
…
and when you do, trust me, the fears, the doubts, the anger, they
’
ll go away, everything will fall into
place
…”
My soul had been screaming, my heart bleeding for months, it had been
exhausting.
I looked at Lily, as she held my hand, and said in a trembling voice,
“
I just need to let myself love?
”
She nodded. I started to cry in her
arms, until I fell asleep.
The very next day, I decided to practice her advice. I had nothing to
lose but everything to gain.
The next evening, as the four of us were at the dinner table discussing
my health plan for the next few months, all I could think of was what she said.
Let myself love again.
I would start with myself. I had cancer yes, but I wasn
’
t dead, my baby wasn
’
t dead. I had to let the shame, the
anger and the fear go.
I looked at Ethan as he was taking studious notes of what I would need,
and thought,
let yourself love.
The hate that I still had felt the previous night and that had consumed
me for the past three months, was now, replaced by wonder.
He had told me at the hospital that he loved me, and in a convoluted
way, I knew he meant it. I knew he would do everything in his power to ensure
my pregnancy would go as well as possible. Maybe if I let him love me instead
of focusing on my hate, maybe I would start to heal.
I looked at Kevin, and knew he loved me. We didn
’
t agree on my decision but he would
always be there for me. His love, constant, unconditional.
Finally, there was Lily, my sister, my saviour, the voice of reason I
could always count on. Her love, never in question. Once again, looking at the
bigger picture, she had come through for me.
I was surrounded by love. It was up to me to decide what would come
next, so that night I made the decision to surrender.
I knew it wouldn
’
t happen overnight, but it would happen if I wanted it, if I let it. I
could love myself. I could love my baby. I just needed to make that choice, and
let it guide me.
For the first time since my wedding anniversary night, I went to bed at
peace.
((~~!~~))
After having consulted with the local specialists,
yet disagreeing with their dramatic course of treatment, Lily put me on a
protocol two days after arriving in Sydney. There was no time to waste, as she
would have to return to her patients in Boston, but before doing so, she wanted
to make sure her prescriptions were working.
I
followed instructions to the letter and started to consult with the naturopath,
and the personal trainer who was also a yoga practitioner came to the house to
implement meditation in my routine. Within a few days, the sentiment of peace I
had felt after my discussion with Lily turned into something more profound,
actual release. I was in a sea of calmness. My heart and my soul were finally
breathing for the first time in months. Carrie, the yoga teacher told me I was
letting go of my resistance, all negatives emotions that were crippling me were
melting away, and this was why I was feeling so comfortable. She guaranteed I
would feel these changes in my body within days as I continued to practice. She
was right. Three days before Lily was scheduled to leave, exactly ten days
after starting treatment, I called her into my bedroom and asked her to look at
me. I asked her if she had noticed any change, she smiled and said,
“
You look well, calm and at peace. If I
didn
’
t
know you have cancer, I
’
d
say you look happy.
”
I
smiled, and replied,
“
I
want to thank you. I am much better, and it
’
s only going to get better. Thanks to you.
”
She grinned and replied,
“
I take it that somehow my advice was good?
”
With
tears in my eyes, I said,
“
More
than you know Lil, more than you know. Thank you so much. I really think I
’
m gonna be able to do this
…”
“
Of course you are. I never doubted you for
a second even when you did,
”
then she added with mirth
“
Now
that the drama is out the window, can we go shopping? I
’
ve been cooked up with Kevin for nearly
two weeks, and there is only so much of that boy I can take! Working for
Interpol has turned him into such a suspicious jerk! Can you believe he
’
s asking me details about my current lover
to check him out?!
”
I
shook my head and chuckled. These two, like cats and dogs, but yet, they loved
each other, so much. I said, laughing,
”
I
’
ll call the chauffeur to bring the car
around.
”
We
went to Grace Brothers. My personal shopper was thrilled to see us, knowing she
’
d meet her sales quota for the month in a
single afternoon.
While
we were in the dressing rooms, I remembered the last time I was there, right
before my wedding anniversary, and for the first time since that day, I
actually paid attention to my body. Something I hadn
’
t done once in the past three months. As I
was naked in front of the full-length mirror, I noticed, my breasts and my hips
were a bit larger than the last time I had really looked at them and my tummy
had a small bump showing that I was, indeed, pregnant. I stared at my body for
the longest time, rediscovering it. And for the first time since getting my
test results confirming the pregnancy, I actually physically felt a life was
actually growing inside of me. As I touched and caressed my tummy, I smiled,
exhaled softly, and said,
“
I
love you, please know that.
”
The
gates had been reopened.
((~~!~~))
You know the saying: the one who can save
you is the one who hurt you the most.
In
Ethan
’
s
and I case, it was true. Well, almost
…
I
had spoken to Lily only about my fear that I would never be able to let another
man touch me, and she had told me to give it time. The time heals all wounds
speech was one of her favorite; she
’
s a doctor after all.
I
would never forget what he did to me. My growing belly was indelible proof, but
I made the decision to love the baby regardless, and by extension love Ethan or
at least not hate him. I know, it
’
s
difficult to rationalize but it was the best that I could do under the
circumstances.
As
weeks went by, and I started to actually feel my pregnancy, my motherly
instincts grew stronger, and my outlook on my marital life started to shift.
I
wasn
’
t
in love with my husband, but I tolerated him.
Insidiously
though, he made himself indispensable. He was simply showering me with
attention and affection. Something I had totally forgotten he was actually a
master at.
That
’
s the thing about Ethan McGregor; he
’
s always been a very driven man. Whatever
he sets his mind to, he gets. Whether it was me before we got married, or a
political goal to achieve. Look at him, he is the youngest Premier NSW has ever
had. But ever since my hospital release, it seemed I had become his priority
again. The funny thing is, for the first few weeks while Lily and Kevin were
there, we barely talked to each other. He was present, but let me be; only
asking me if there was anything more I needed, and making sure I got it.
Once
they left, I noticed he would come home much earlier than his usual 9:00 p.m.,
and soon started to even turn up at the house during the day for lunch or tea.
He would try to engage me in conversation as much as he could, and little by
little, my resistance faded. He enquired about every test or exams that I was
having, actually insisted being with me for most, in spite of his busy work
schedule and public appearances. He presented me with research he had done
about the naturopath remedies, and I looked at him in wonder when he would make
suggestions. He brought me sounds of nature
cds
he
thought would help me relax or meditate,
dvds
that
would make me laugh, and the list goes on. When he had boxes of Hediard
delivered weekly, I actually started to smile when he would come home. I knew
what he was doing, pulling all the stops with these tricks, but it was lovely
and charming nonetheless, he deserved at least to see me smile. Truth to be
told, day in day out, I was starting to enjoy it. Immensely.
Embracing
my pregnant state had a side effect I didn
’
t see coming: I was surrendering to my
husband. Again.
Week
after week, he would keep on complimenting me on how good I looked, and how
much he admired my unwavering commitment to the protocol without falling apart,
even though he felt I must have been scared. He also noticed how much more
confident I was in myself and the future. I had resumed working on my PhD, and
hoped it would be completed by the end of the year. One evening as he was
reading to me, something we had taken up as of late, he interrupted himself,
looked at me and just said,
“
Thank
you.
”
When
I asked him what he was thanking me for, he simply replied,
“
For being you, the strongest woman I know.
”
and then, he resumed on reading. I had
remained speechless until I was about to tuck in for bed, and I said to him,
“
E.I love this baby, and there
’
s simply nothing I wouldn
’
t endure. Love gives you strength.
”