The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (44 page)

I confess my sins; I am deeply sorry for what I have done. PSALM 38:18

THERE ARE MULTIPLE LANGUAGES of apology, and one is regret. Apology is birthed in the womb of regret. We regret the pain we have caused, the disappointment, the inconvenience, the betrayal of trust. The offended person wants some evidence that we realize how deeply we have hurt him or her. For some people, this is the one thing they listen for in an apology. Without the expression of regret, they do not sense that the apology is adequate.

A simple "I'm sorry" can go a long way toward restoring goodwill, but that kind of apology has more impact when it is specific. For what are you sorry? "I'm sorry that I was late. I know that you pushed yourself to get here on time and then I was not here. I know how frustrating that can be. I feel really bad that I did this to you. The problem was that I didn't start on time. I hope you can forgive me and we can still have a good evening."

Including details reveals the depth of your understanding of the situation and how much you inconvenienced your spouse. When we confess our sins to God, as in the psalm above, we are usually specific about the wrongs we have committed and sincere in expressing our sorrow. We should extend that kind of apology to our spouse as well.

Father, l know that when my spouse expresses sincere regret, it makes a huge difference in how 1 perceive his or her apology. Please help me to extend that kind of apology to him or her as well so that we can deal with the wrongs between us.

"Who told you that you were naked?" the LORD God asked. "Have you eaten from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat?" The man replied, "It was the woman you gave me who gave me the fruit, and I ate it." Then the LORD God asked the woman, "What have you done?" "The serpent deceived me,"she replied. "That's whyI ate it." GENESIS 3:11-13

REGRET SAYS, "I'm sorry. I feel badly that I hurt you." Sincere regret needs to stand alone. It should never be followed with "But.. "

One husband told me, "My wife apologizes, then blames her actions on something I did to provoke her. Blaming me does little to make the apology sincere." A wife said, "He apologized but then added that I was acting like a baby and that he had a right to do what he did. What kind of apology is that?" In my opinion, that is not an apology; it's shifting blame.

Shifting blame is easy to do and dates back to the very first humans, Adam and Eve. In the above passage from Genesis 3, we clearly see both of them trying to absolve themselves of guilt. That's not the mature and godly response-and in their case, God saw right through it and held both of them responsible.

When we shift the blame to the other person, we have moved from apology to attack. Blaming and attacking never lead to forgiveness and reconciliation. When you are apologizing, let "I'm sorry" stand alone. Don't continue by making excuses, such as, "But if you had not yelled at me, I would not have done it." Leave the buts out of your apology and take responsibility for your own actions.

Father, far too often 1 try to excuse my behavior by blaming it on something my spouse did first. Please forgive me. I know that's immature. I need to take responsibility for my own actions. Please help me to do that when 1 apologize to my spouse.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-7

COUPLES OFTEN COME to me in the midst of marriage difficulty, even at the point of separating. When I ask why they are considering such a step, they share their points of contention and conclude with the statement "We just don't love each other anymore." That is supposed to settle it. They say they have simply "lost" their love, and it's beyond their control. I don't believe that. I'll agree that they may have lost their warm romantic feelings, but real love is another matter.

The Bible makes some strong statements about love within marriage. In Ephesians 5:25, husbands are commanded to love their wives. In Titus 2:4, wives are told that they must learn to love their husbands. Anything that can be commanded, and anything that can be taught and learned, is not beyond our control.

First Corinthians 13 describes love as being patient and kind, not arrogant or rude. It describes love as refusing to keep a score of wrongs and never holding on to grudges. These words are not describing a feeling. Rather, they are talking about the way we think and behave. We can love each other without having the "tingles" for each other. In fact, the fastest way to see our emotions return is to start loving each other by acting in accordance with the above passage from 1 Corinthians 13.

Heavenly Father, thank you for the beautiful definition of love you gave us through the apostle Paul. It's a challenging one, and sometimes 1 wonder how 1 can ever live up to it. Please help me. As 1 commit to acting on these words, please teach me the right way to love my spouse.

Wise words satisfy like a good meal; the right words bring satisfaction. The tongue can bring death or life. PROVERBS 18:20-21

THERE ARE TWO BASIC WAYS to express love in a marriage: words and deeds. Today, we'll look at words. First Corinthians 8:1 says, "Love edifies" (NKJV) or "builds up" (NIV). So if I want to love, I will use words that build up my spouse. "You look nice in that outfit." "Thanks for taking the garbage out." "I loved the meal. Thanks for all your hard work." "I appreciate your walking the dog for me Tuesday night. It was a real help." All of these are expressions of love.

Proverbs 18:21 tells us, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue" (NKJv). Words are powerful. You can kill your spouse's spirit with negative words-words that belittle, disrespect, or embarrass. You can give life with positive words-words that encourage, affirm, or strengthen. I met a woman some time ago who complained that she couldn't think of anything good to say about her husband. I asked, "Does he ever take a shower?" "Yes;' she replied. "Then I'd start there;' I said." There are men who don't."

I've never met a person about whom you couldn't find something good to say. And when you say it, something inside the person wants to be better. Say something kind and life giving to your spouse today and see what happens.

Lord Jesus, help me to remember that my words are powerful. I want to use them to buildup and give life, not to cut down and bring discouragement. Please help me to use my words today to express love to my spouse.