The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (71 page)

I commend to you our sister Phoebe, who is a deacon in the church in Cenchrea. Welcome her in the Lord as one who is worthy of honor among God's people. Help her in whatever she needs, for she has been helpful to many, and especially to me. ROMANS 16:1-2

ENCOURAGING WORDS often make the difference between success and failure. For example, imagine that your spouse expresses the desire to lose weight. How you respond can be either encouraging or discouraging. If you say, "Well, I hope you don't try one of those expensive weight-loss programs or join a pricey gym. We can't afford that;' then you have discouraged your spouse. Chances are, he or she will drop the idea and make no effort to lose weight.

On the other hand, consider this response: "Well, one thing I know. If you decide to lose weight, you will, because you have the discipline to do it. That's one of the things I admire about you." Wow! Your spouse is encouraged and will likely take action immediately.

At the end of the book of Romans, Paul writes a number of personal greetings, many of them including affirmations. In the verses above, he mentions a woman named Phoebe, who is "worthy of honor" and "helpful." Later in the chapter, he mentions several others by name and lists their contribution to his work. Imagine being praised in Paul's letter! The specifics he included give impact to his encouraging words.

When you have a chance to respond to your spouse, think before you speak. Ask yourself, What can I say that would affirm and encourage my spouse to reach his or her goals? Most of us are motivated when we hear encouraging words.

Lord Jesus, l pray that you would help me to think before 1 respond to my spouse. Show me how best to bean encouragement. I don't want to stand in the way of my loved one's goals, so please help me develop a pattern of encouragement and specific affirmation. I know that will strengthen our relationship.

LORD, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them. PSALM 10:17

WHAT DO YOU DO when you discover that your spouse has been sexually unfaithful? Hurt and anger are healthy emotions in that situation. They reveal that you are human and that you care about your marriage. They indicate that you see yourself as a valuable person who has been wronged. They reveal your concern for rightness and fairness. These emotions are entirely appropriate; they just need to be processed in a positive way.

Initially crying, weeping, and sobbing are healthy responses to intense hurt and anger. However, the body is limited in how long it can sustain such agony; thus, sessions of weeping must be interspersed with periods of calm. Verbally expressing your hurt to your spouse is also a healthy way to process anger. I would encourage you to start your statements with I rather than you. For example: "I feel betrayed.... I feel hurt.... I feel used.... I feel that you don't love me.... I feel like I don't ever want to touch you again." All of these statements reveal your thoughts and feelings to your spouse. Any recovery requires that your spouse hear and understand the depth of your hurt and anger.

Remember, too, that you can express all of your emotions to God, who loves you wholeheartedly and weeps with you. He hears your cries, as Psalm 10 reminds us. Psalm 147:3 says that he "heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds." Allow him to comfort you in your distress.

Father, l can't imagine many things more painful than discovering that my spouse has been unfaithful. I pray that neither my spouse norl will ever have to undergo this hurt. But if we do, please lead us through. I thank you for your tenderness and compassion for those who are suffering.

Have mercy on me, 0 God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins.... Create in me a clean heart, 0 God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. PSALM 51:1, 10

IS THERE LIFE after an affair? Can the marriage be healed? Yes, if there is genuine repentance and genuine forgiveness. Repentance means "to turn around:" In the case of an affair, it means that the adulterous relationship must be broken off.

If you are the one who had the affair, tell the other person involved that you know you have done wrong, that you have asked God to forgive you, and that you are going to work on restoring your marriage. Ask the person to forgive you for doing what you knew was wrong and involving him or her in your infidelity. Then stop the extramarital relationship. In most cases, this will require breaking off all contact.

Now you are ready to ask your spouse to forgive you. Tell your mate that your sincere desire is to restore the marriage. Don't press for a quick and easy forgiveness. It will take time for your spouse to process the hurt and anger, so allow time to think and pray. Express your willingness to go for counseling. Don't expect an immediate healing. Allow time for talking, praying, and reading together. If you are sincere and your spouse is willing to forgive, then you can have a growing marriage.

Psalm 51 reveals King David's remorse after his adulterous affair with Bathsheba and his conspiring to have her husband killed. Read through this passage for a model of heartfelt repentance, and put David's model into practice as you seek to pick up the pieces of your marriage.

Father, thank you for your forgiveness that is great enough to cover even something like infidelity. If this is ever an issue in our marriage, l pray that both of us will have the right mind-set to deal with it. For this, and even for lesser wrongs that we may commit, I pray for appropriate repentance for the one who sinned and for your incredible grace, peace, and forgiving spirit for the one who was wronged.

The godly walk with integrity; blessed are their children who follow them.

PROVERBS 20:7

HOW DO YOU REBUILD TRUST after an affair? One wife told me,"I'm willing to forgive my husband, but I don't know if I can ever trust him again." She was being honest. Forgiveness does not restore trust. Forgiveness is the decision to lift the penalty, restore the offender, and let him or her back into your life, but it does not immediately restore trust. If you had an affair, you broke the marriage covenant of fidelity. You destroyed trust in the heart of your spouse, and now only you can restore that trust.

Trust grows when you are trustworthy, so don't lie to your spouse. When you say you are going to do something, do it. If you promise to break off all contact with your former lover, do it-right down to the briefest e-mail or phone call. When you say you are going to see a friend, be sure that is where you go. Encourage your spouse to call and check up on you. Every time you prove that you are trustworthy, your spouse's trust grows. But if you continue to be deceptive, trust will never recover.

Ask God to make you a person of character and integrity, as Proverbs 20:7 mentions. Keep yourself completely above reproach; avoid even the appearance of wrongdoing (see 1 Thessalonians 5:22, KJV). That is the fastest way to restore trust in the heart of your spouse.

Father, only you can restore trust in a broken relationship. I pray for your healing, your grace, and your restoration in our marriage for both large and small violations of each other's trust. Make us both willing to take the necessary steps.