The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (69 page)

WHY IS IT SO HARD for some people to say, "Will you please forgive me?" Often it is fear of losing control. To ask others to forgive us means that we put the future of the relationship in their hands. It might also be fear of rejection. When we ask for forgiveness, the other person may say no, and that rejection can be supremely hurtful. Another significant barrier is fear of not doing things right. Admitting we were wrong can seem equivalent to saying, "I'm a failure."

Understanding the Scriptures can remove all of these fears. Romans 3:23 tells us, "For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard." And the verses above from 1 John tell us openly that if we claim we've never done anything wrong, we're fooling ourselves. But the next verse offers a wonderful promise: If we confess our sin to God, he will forgive us and cleanse us. To admit that we have done wrong is simply to admit that we are human. In our relationship with God as well as in our closest human relationships, requesting forgiveness is the first step toward healing.

Lord, why is it so hard for me to admit) was wrong? Thank you for your promise of forgiveness when I confess my sin to you. Help me to be willing to ask forgiveness from my spouse as well, and in doing so heal the hurt that) caused.

I am boldly asking a favor of you. I could demand it in the name of Christ because it is the right thing for you to do. But because of our love, 1 prefer simply to ask you. Consider this as a request from me-Paul, an old man and now also a prisoner for the sake of Christ Jesus. PHILEMON 1:8-9

IT IS ALWAYS RIGHT to request forgiveness. It is never right to demand forgiveness. The husband who says, "I told you I'm sorry. What more can I say?" is demanding forgiveness. He is not likely to receive it, because none of us respond well to demands.

When the apostle Paul wrote to a fellow brother in Christ named Philemon to ask a favor, he could have demanded that Philemon respond the way Paul wanted him to. After all, Paul was an apostle and had likely had a significant impact on Philemon's faith. Even more, the favor was something morally right. But even with all that, Paul chose to ask Philemon-to make a request and allow Philemon the chance to process it and decide for himself. That's wise with many things, and particularly when asking for forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a choice to lift the barrier and let the other person back into our lives. There is always the risk that he or she will hurt us again. Some people have been hurt so many times that they are reluctant to forgive. However, without forgiveness, the relationship cannot grow. If you are in a stalemate as a couple, I urge you to apologize and request forgiveness. Then give your spouse time to process his or her pain before responding. In the meantime, pray and love.

Father, keep me from demanding my own way. When I wrong my spouse, let me admit my wrong and ask for forgiveness. Then help me to allow her the space to decide when she's ready. Thanks for always forgiving.

The LORD replied, "Is it right for you to be angry about this?" JONAH 4:4

MUCH OF OUR ANGER is distorted. It grows out of our own self-centeredness, our controlling personality, or sometimes just our lack of sleep.

It always helps to get the facts. Suppose your spouse promised to be home at 6:00, but he or she walks in at 6:30. Is that sinful? You really don't know until you ask some questions. If he willfully said to himself, I know what I promised, but I choose not to keep my promise, then he has sinned and your anger is legitimate. But if he left the office in plenty of time to arrive at 6:00 and got caught in a traffic jam, that is not sinful, and your anger is distorted. It's out of proportion to the offense.

One biblical example of distorted anger comes from the prophet Jonah. You may remember him primarily because of his exploits in the belly of a whale. But after that, he finally preached his message of judgment to the city of Nineveh. The people repented-and God chose to have mercy on the city. Jonah was angry about this. Why? Because he had prophesied God's wrath, and it had not come to pass. He thought this made him look bad! Jonah's anger was tied up in his pride, and clearly it was not justified. God himself asked him, rhetorically, "Is it right for you to be angry about this?"

In our earlier example, you may be all fired up when your spouse walks in late. However, when you find out that the traffic jam is the culprit, you need to release your anger-and not on your spouse. Try this prayer: "Father, you know that I'm upset. Help me not to take it out on my loved one. I give my anger to you and ask that you fill me with love." Your anger will subside, and the evening is now yours to enjoy.

Lord Jesus, many times I need to step back and figure out if my anger is appropriate and in proportion to the offense. Please help me to identify when I'm angry because my pride is hurt, because of something out of my spouse's control, or because I have unrealistic expectations that have not been met. Help me to release my anger to you.

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.

PROVERBS 15:1

DISTORTED ANGER can destroy your marriage. Distorted anger is the emotion you feel when you don't get your way. It is sometimes called selfish anger, because its root is in you rather than in any external circumstance. Legitimate anger is your emotional response when your spouse sins against you, but distorted anger can be sparked by almost anything. Maybe your spouse is watching television instead of helping you in the kitchen, or she forgot to pick up the milk on her way home from the office.

How you handle distorted anger can make or break your marriage. To lash out at your spouse with critical words, or to withdraw in silence, will destroy your marriage. As Proverbs 15:1 says, "Harsh words make tempers flare." One person's distorted anger can flame the other's, with very negative results. On the other hand, requesting a time to share your feelings in a noncondemning way will lead to understanding. Feelings need to be shared, but spouses don't need to be condemned for being forgetful or thoughtless.

Consider this approach: "I want to share this with you, not to condemn you, but so that you will know me better." These are the words of a wise spouse. Such open sharing releases distorted anger and leads to a growing marriage.

Father, forgive me for those times when I let my anger take control of me. Please show me how to share my feelings without condemning or snapping at the one/ love. I want our relationship to grow.