The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (65 page)

MARK 12:29-31

THE FUNDAMENTAL BUILDING BLOCK in any relationship is conversation-two-way communication. I share my ideas and you listen; you share your ideas and I listen. The results? We understand each other. If we continue conversation over a period of time, we get to know each other. Why, then, is communication so difficult? Why do 86 percent of those who divorce say, "The main problem was, we got to a place where we just couldn't talk"?

I want to suggest that one problem is that we stop talking to God long before we stop talking to each other. If I'm talking with God daily, he will be influencing my thoughts and attitudes toward my spouse. God has clearly said that he wants to make me more and more like Jesus (see Romans 8:29). When I cooperate with the process, my communication with my wife flows pretty smoothly. When I get my wires crossed with God, then my attitudes toward my wife begin to deteriorate.

I don't think it's a coincidence that in Mark 12, Jesus said the most important commandments were (1) loving God wholeheartedly, and (2) loving others as ourselves. When we love God and are in tune with what he wants, loving others will come naturally.

I'm convinced that many of the communication problems in marriage would fade away if we spent more time talking and listening to God.

Father, help me to remember that the best thing 1 can do-both for my relationship with you and for my marriage-is to spend time communicating with you. As 1 read your Word, pray, and listen, please conform me more and more to the image of Christ. I know that will spill over into the way l treat my spouse.

Our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God's discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness. HEBREWS 12:10

"I DID IT BECAUSE I LOVE HER." We often use the word love to explain our behavior. Who doesn't remember a parent saying, "I'm punishing you because I love you"? As children we had a hard time figuring that out, but it was likely true. Parents discipline children because they love them. God does the same to his children, as the above verse from Hebrews makes clear. His ultimate goal is for us to become more like him, and his discipline molds and shapes us to that end. But in a marriage, there is no parent-only two partners. We don't discipline each other, but we do love each other and want our partner to fulfill his or her God-given potential.

The question is, how do we know when our action is loving? Love is doing what is best for the other person, but at times this can be difficult to figure out. For example, the wife of an alcoholic picks up the pieces after her husband's latest episode. She calls it love, but the psychologist calls it codependency. Did her action help him? Perhaps in the short term, but not in the long term.

We must learn to love effectively by doing what will best serve the emotional, spiritual, and physical health of our spouse. At times that means love must be tough. If this is a situation you face, ask God to give you the wisdom to make the right choices about how best to love your spouse.

Father, sometimes it's difficult for me to discern what approach to my spouse is really the loving one. I need your wisdom. Please help me to keep the end goal in mind-that my husband or wife would be healthy emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Thank you that your ultimate goal for both of us is to be more like you.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 CORINTHIANS 13:7

FOR SOME PEOPLE, marriage is an extreme challenge. One woman came to my office and told me this: "My husband has been fired from four jobs in the past six years. He doesn't seem to have any desire to build a stable career or provide steady income for us. I figured that since he's not working, the least he could do is take care of some repair jobs around the house. No way. He's too busy surfing the Internet or playing softball with his friends. We're talking about having kids, but I sometimes feel like I'm already living with one."

What would you suggest to this wife? Some people would say, "Leave the bum." I can understand that, but that counsel doesn't take into account the apostle Paul's teaching in 1 Corinthians that love never gives up but is always hopeful. Nothing is impossible with God! With that in mind, my advice to her was twofold: first show tender love, and then show tough love.

The natural tendency is to jump to tough love and offer ultimatums. But if you're going to take a new approach, always start with tender love. I suggest three months of speaking your spouse's primary love language at least once a week. Try hard to connect with him or her on an emotional level. If this fails to effect change, then move to tough love and start setting some boundaries. At that point, your spouse will miss the tender love and realize that he or she is about to lose something. Tender or tough, love is the best road.

Father, marriage can be challenging when my spouse is acting irresponsibly. Please help me to remember that nothing is impossible with you. Show me how to communicate my love to my spouse. And if tender love isn't working, give me wisdom as I seek to navigate tough love, for the good of my spouse and the good of our relationship. Only you have the wisdom I need, Lord.

I am determined not to sin in what I say. PSALM 17:3

ARE YOU MARRIED to a verbally abusive spouse? One husband said, "My wife called me a'pathetic excuse for a husband' and said that she would have been better off staying single-all because I didn't take out the trash in time for the garbage truck to pick it up. It's been like this since we got married. I don't know what to do."

First, understand the source: Low self-esteem lies at the heart of most verbal abuse. Most verbal abusers were themselves verbally abused. Therefore, if you want to help, you must affirm your spouse's need but reject his or her behavior. You should never accept verbal abuse as normal, but neither should you lash back in self-defense. Make sure your words are God-honoring; like the psalmist, be determined not to sin in what you say. You might say something like: "I know you must be extremely frustrated to say things like that to me. I would like to help you, but I'm feeling hurt by your words. Perhaps we can talk about this after both of us calm down."

Affirming your spouse's need for self-worth, love, and acceptance is healthy, but you must also be honest about your own hurt. Seek a solution, not a victory.

Father, you know that we are all capable of saying horrible things to each other. Please forgive me for the times when 1 have done that. When myspouse is verbally abusive to me, show me the right way to respond. Help me to commit to keeping my words above reproach.