Authors: Van Moody
Tags: #ebook
Lot knew Abraham’s purpose—to get to Canaan and experience the blessings God promised him there. He saw God’s hand of blessing and favor on Abraham, and I believe that is why Lot left everything to go with him. But remember, God never told Abraham to take Lot with him, and Lot became a hindrance to God’s purposes in Abraham’s life.
You know by now that relationships are not neutral; they either help you or hinder you. People either cheer you on and push you forward in God’s plans, or they drain your energy and hold you back. They are either assets or liabilities. Having a Lot in your life will drive a wedge between you and God, separate you from your purpose, and cause you to stumble as you try to pursue what God has for you. If that won’t kill you emotionally, I don’t know what will.
At the end of this chapter is a list of characteristics of toxic relationships. All of them are based on Lot’s unwise actions or his negative influence on Abraham’s life. I encourage you to use these eight indicators to determine whether you have a Lot in your life, and if you do, do yourself a favor and separate.
T
HE
O
THER
S
IDE OF
O
BEDIENCE
The last verse of Genesis 13 is the climax of the story of Abraham and Lot’s separation: “So [Abraham] moved his tents and went to live near the great trees of Mamre at Hebron, where he built an altar to the Lord” (v. 18). This tells us Abraham realized God had more for him than he was presently experiencing, and he needed to pursue it. He had left the burden of relationship with Lot behind him, and he refused to stay settled in an old place. He was finally free to go after God’s best, and he knew he could have it.
The thought of separating from someone who has been significant in your life can be daunting. We can easily infer from Abraham and Lot’s story that leaving Lot behind was emotionally taxing and difficult for Abraham. But the important point is that what comes after separation can be amazing. Ephesians 3:20 tells us, “God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!” (
MSG
). He has great things in store for us, but we can only access them if we hear and obey His voice, and that includes following Him as we make good relational decisions.
God always has something good on the other side of obedience; He always offers us more. In Abraham’s case, his separation from Lot caused his life and his faith to expand in tremendous ways. After Abraham left Lot, he
saw more
in terms of having greater vision for his life; he
believed more
in God’s love and ability to bring impossibilities to pass;
he realized God wanted more
for him than he had ever experienced; and he
worshipped more.
I hope these lessons from Abraham’s life will give you the courage to make the relational decisions you need to make. Remember that the most important relationship of all is your relationship with God, so do whatever it takes to be in a position to hear His voice
and obey. You will be amazed at the great things that unfold for you! I promise.
D
ECISIONS
C
AN
B
E
D
ANGEROUS
While Abraham moved forward, enjoying God’s blessing, Lot remained in the evil environment of Sodom. We must remember that Sodom was the location Lot
chose
; no one forced him into that bad place. When people around us want our help in significant ways, we are wise to ask ourselves how many of their problems they have brought on themselves through their choices. I realize people sometimes make choices without understanding how severe the consequences may be. I also know that sometimes people make good choices but still somehow end up with bad results through no fault of their own. The fact remains that one person’s decisions almost always affect others. Sometimes that turns out positively, and sometimes it is negative or even devastating.
Thankfully Lot’s bad decision to move to Sodom did not devastate Abraham, but it could have. When rebel armies invaded the city where Lot chose to live, he found himself in danger. He needed someone willing to undertake a high-risk rescue mission for him after he fell captive to the armies of a warring king and lost all his possessions (Gen. 14:1–15). Who rescued him? Abraham.
When Abraham heard about Lot’s plight, he gathered 318 trained men and devised a strategy to save his nephew. Genesis 14:14 teaches us that these 318 men were born in Abraham’s household, meaning that they were not hired guns. They were men Abraham knew, men in whom he had invested. He’d practically raised them. Moreover, at this time, Abraham had a promise from God that he would have an heir, but he had no biological children.
He may well have believed one of these men would be his heir. He not only risked the lives of these men who were close to him, he had no way of knowing whether he was also jeopardizing the life of his potential heir and the chance to see God’s promise come to pass.
In the end, Abraham and his men did rescue Lot, and the decision to do so was exceedingly courageous. Abraham risked everything to save the nephew who did not share his values, did not appreciate him, was not loyal or respectful to him, and had caused him great trouble. Lot’s unwise, ungodly decision ultimately endangered Abraham and 318 other men. Being involved with Lot could have killed Abraham, literally!
If you are suffering because of other people’s bad decisions, you may need to find a new set of friends. Know this: healthy relationships are not dangerous to you or to the people around you. For example, if you are a single mother who desperately wants a husband, the right man for you will not gaze lustfully at your teenage daughter when you are not looking. He will not “talk tough” to your son. He will not ask to borrow your money, and he will not treat you physically in ways that are not respectful. If you are an employee, a healthy relationship with your boss will not include intimidation. If you are a true friend of someone, the relationship will not involve control or manipulation. All these dynamics are unhealthy and may become unsafe in a relationship. They make relationships toxic, and toxic relationships will kill you emotionally.
H
E
S
ACRIFICED
H
IS
O
WN
D
AUGHTERS
!
The more we read about Lot, the more we see that he did not value other people and he did not value relationships. This was most clear when the men of Sodom came to his house wanting to have
sexual relations with the angels who were his houseguests. Instead Lot offered them his two virgin daughters (Gen. 19:1–8).
Had Lot never done anything else bad, this one action alone would have demonstrated his perverse character. But then again, Lot did not tend to act righteously. He made one wrong choice after another, clearly revealing his base, immoral nature. We learn from this story that people will show you who they really are through their actions and decisions. Pay attention: if they do not value other significant relationships in their lives, they are not likely to value a relationship with you, and that will eventually do you great harm.
Maybe Abraham thought Lot valued their relationship as much as he did. But if Lot would sacrifice something as precious as his daughters’ virginity to a band of perverse men, he would sacrifice Abraham too—probably in a quick, decisive way. Frankly, Abraham had no reason to believe Lot was loyal or seriously interested in a healthy relationship, but he continued to invest in it anyway.
One of the most painful realizations in life is that you are in a relationship that does not mean as much to the other person as it does to you. I will address this at length in
chapter 15
, but the important point for now is this: one-sided relationships are doomed to fail. On the way to failure, there will be dysfunction, disappointment, and frustration. These relationships are unhealthy and detrimental, just as Abraham’s relationship with Lot was. It’s just a matter of how long you want to extend the agony.
L
EAVE
S
OME
T
HINGS
B
EHIND
Anytime two people enter into a purposeful relationship, one or both of them may have to let go of some things from the past.
Abraham had no problem leaving things behind. When God told him to leave his father’s house, his homeland, and everything familiar to him, he did it without looking back. That’s what people do when they love God and want to pursue God’s promises and purposes. They will leave anything and everything to follow Him.
Lot, on the other hand, had a problem releasing certain things. He did not let go easily. Even when he knew God was about to decimate Sodom, he lingered (Gen. 19:14–16). Most people, realizing the wrath of God is about to destroy a place, would run as fast and as far as possible. Not Lot. First, he hesitated to leave, and an angel had to grab his hand and pull him away to safety. Then, when the angel told him to take his family and run to the mountains to escape certain death, Lot said no. Instead, he wanted to settle in a small town as close to Sodom as he could get (Gen.19:17–20).
People who may draw you into emotionally deadly relationships are unwilling to leave unhealthy or sinful places in their lives in order to have something better. Some are willing to leave, but like Lot, they want to stay close to their sin, addictions, bad habits, or negative influences. Those who will not let go of the past or allow themselves to be too far removed from it cause trouble in relationships. No matter how many people believe in them, help them, or think they can change, the fact is they will not do so unless they decide to walk away from old patterns.
The idea of being willing to leave some things behind applies to many areas of relationships. Think of a newlywed couple. Many times one spouse is eager to “leave and cleave” and begin a new life together, but the other will not leave parents or old friends behind. Or consider a young employee who has been promoted to a new position in a company. His superiors realize he has the skill to thrive in a leadership position, and they give him the opportunity to do so. His
problem is that he cannot relate to others as a leader because those who now work for him were his basketball buddies last week and he does not want to lose his camaraderie with them.
A God-ordained relationship can be one of the best experiences of your life, but it may involve the need to leave some things in the past. Each person in the relationship may need to demonstrate a willingness to let some things go in order to move forward with the relationship. I encourage you to be willing to release things that need to stay in the past so you can have great relationships in the future. At the same time, assess whether others are willing to give up what they need to leave behind in order to be in relationship with you.
I
T
K
EEPS
G
OING
. . .
AND
G
OING
. . .
AND
G
OING
. . .
I believe the most heartbreaking part of Abraham and Lot’s story takes place not between the two of them, but in future generations. Lot’s daughters become as perverted and unrighteous as he is, and because he is old and they are still unmarried, both of them sleep with him and become pregnant. One gives birth to Moab, who becomes the father of the Moabites. The other bears a son named Ben-Ammi, father of the Ammonites (Gen. 19:37–38). Years later, the Moabites and the Ammonites will become fierce enemies of the children of Israel. Lot ends up becoming the father of the antithesis of God’s promise to Abraham. Helping Lot really does end up killing Abraham’s seed.
For various reasons, people still try to connect or stay connected with those who not only hinder God’s plans for their lives but actively oppose those plans. We try to stay friends with people
who are enemies of God’s purposes for us. We rationalize these relationships by downplaying the influence our friends have on us or by saying we are merely trying to help them. We need to understand that we are not the only ones affected by our relationships. Our families, friends, and coworkers may be affected too.
In the years to come, Abraham’s future generations will be wounded and killed at the hands of Lot’s descendants. One dysfunctional relationship between two relatives will affect many people. Dysfunction still works that way today. I urge you to take seriously each relationship in your life. Seek God earnestly to know which relationships He has for you and which ones are not part of His plan. Don’t let your desire or ability to help another person damage you emotionally or kill God’s purpose for your life.
E
IGHT
I
NDICATORS OF A
T
OXIC
R
ELATIONSHIP
Helping someone you do not need to help, as Abraham did for Lot, truly can be detrimental to your life. While it may not kill you physically, it can definitely kill your heart. I know many people who will affirm the fact that this kind of relationship can be as dangerous to your well-being as drinking a sip of poison every day. A toxic relationship
• is based on a shared past or shared pain.
• is unbalanced because one person benefits from the other without being grateful or appreciative.
• is strained because one person is pursuing God’s purpose and promises while the other person is headed in a different direction.
• causes one person to cease to hear God’s voice or lose momentum in following Him.
• jeopardizes not only the parties directly involved but family and friends too.
• is not of equal or similar value to both parties.
• cannot move forward because one individual cannot leave certain things behind.
• suffers long-term damage because one party produces “enemies” to the other person’s life or destiny in God, in some cases affecting future generations.
S
ET
S
OME
B
OUNDARIES
One of the best ways to effectively deal with people who are killing you emotionally is to establish healthy boundaries. When God divided the promised land and gave a portion of that territory to each of the twelve tribes of Israel, He did so by establishing boundaries, often using geographical features such as rivers or mountains.