“In some ways, maybe. But here’s another way to think about it. The gay community is huge in Rochester. You’d be surprised at the number of judges, lawyers, doctors, teachers, and therapists in it. And they support each other. Sometimes, it’s a kinder community than the straight one.”
“I’d hope that’s true.”
“The Gay Alliance is very active in the city, too. They offer support for parents, and more importantly, to kids who come out.”
“Oh, good. I’ll have to research that. But his future is going to be so different. Will he find a partner? What about kids? It’s all so overwhelming.”
“You know the statistics on divorce among straight people. Jamie’s chances of finding a solid relationship and sticking with it are equal to that or maybe even greater.”
“I guess. It’s the twenty-first century. But life is different in Sherwood. It’s such a small town, with such a small school. Most of the teachers are tolerant, but there’s a contingent that’s narrow minded. Just last year we had a row at a PTA meeting about a pregnant teen being in the prom court.”
“Granted, Sherwood High School’s not like bigger city schools. I’ve always thought its quaintness was charming. We forget that conservative views often accompany small-town living.”
“This will be a problem.” Maggie swallowed hard and leaned back into the couch. “What should I be doing for him? I don’t know if he knows about safe sex when it comes to other boys. Hell, Melissa,
I
don’t know what to tell him on that account. And Mike certainly won’t.”
“Does he have an adult doctor?”
“No, a pediatrician still.”
“Get him an adult doctor. Maybe yours—the one you like so much—Bea Rubenstein.”
They talked more about Jamie’s physical safety and Brian’s potential emotional upset. They discussed her relationship with Jamie and how Mike was handling her son’s coming out.
After a half hour, Melissa cocked her head. “What is it you’re not saying?”
Tears welled in her eyes.
“Maggie?”
“He didn’t tell me for so long, Melissa. He says he’s known for a while. I feel terrible about that. Inadequate as a mother.”
“He
did
tell you. In high school, when most kids can’t come out to their parents. That usually doesn’t happen until college or often much later.”
Now tears coursed down Maggie’s cheeks. “There’s more. I’m ashamed of this part.”
“You can tell me, Maggie. I won’t judge.”
Maggie bit her lip. “Mike asked me if I was sorry Jamie was gay.”
“What did you say?”
“I wouldn’t answer him.”
“But you know the answer?”
She nodded.
Melissa waited.
“I…I wish Jamie wasn’t gay, Melissa. I wish my son wasn’t who he is.”
The therapist said, “So let’s talk about that.”
Jamie held up his phone, willing a text message to arrive. “Come on, come on, Luke.” Just to be on the safe side, he was online, too, his IM up and running.
It was Wednesday night and Jamie hadn’t heard from Luke since yesterday afternoon. He was seriously bummed because he feared Luke’s silence was his fault. When they hung out on Monday, Jamie had pressed Luke to tell his parents he was gay. Sure, the situation wasn’t great at home for Jamie, but it was out now, like it should be. And he and Luke had made a pact to do this together, to be able to date like other kids.
So Luke had told his parents Tuesday after school. He’d sent one text an hour later…
It didn’t go so hot. I wanted you to know I did it this time. Gotta go, be back in touch…
But he hadn’t called and Jamie had gotten worried so he’d driven over there after dinner Tuesday night…
The Cranes’ three-story, cedar-sided house was in an upscale part of town. The big homes on tree-lined streets with manicured lawns always intimidated Jamie. Still, he pulled his car into the circular brick driveway, got out and, with confidence he didn’t feel, strode to the front porch. The air was warm today. Maybe that was an omen, a good one, Ms. Carson would say. He rang the bell, which chimed the first few chords of
Ode to Joy.
Luke’s father drew open the door. He was a tall man with stern features and a mouth that almost never smiled. Jamie had only seen him wearing a suit, like he was now. “Hi, Dr. Crane, is Luke here?”
“He’s here.” The man gripped the doorknob, his fingers biting into the brass.
“Can I, um, see him?”
“Not now.”
“Pardon me?”
“I said you won’t be seeing my son until we get a handle on this whole thing.” Without giving Jamie a chance to respond, he slammed the door. But not before Jamie witnessed the undiluted revulsion on Dr. Crane’s face.
Then Luke hadn’t gone to school today. Jamie called him all morning but his cell was off. When Jamie tried the house phone, he got the machine. By then, he thought,
Fuck it
, and left a brief message for anybody to hear.
Now, it was almost eleven at night and Luke wasn’t online. His own house phone rang and he snatched it up, but before he could speak, he heard his mother’s voice. “I got it, guys.”
He would have stayed on to see who it was, but his IM chimed so he flew to the computer. The message was up.
Hey, Jame
.
He typed back,
What’s going on, man? I been worried
.
Got reason to
.
What happened?
You won’t believe it. They’re so freaked, they won’t let me out of their sight. I can’t find my cell. I think they took it. If I cut off quick, it’s because I’m not allowed to use the computer
.
Why
?
They think it’s giving me ideas…making me think this is okay
.
This? As in us?
Yep.
Oh, shit
.
Look, I—
There was the sound of a door closing and blue lettering came on screen.
CoolHandLuke has signed off at 10:59
.
Stunned by Luke’s situation, Jamie heard out in the hallway, “What’s going on, Mom?”
Sliding off the chair, Jamie opened the door. Brian, wearing Gap pajama bottoms and a T-shirt like Jamie, was standing in the doorway to his room with Buck at his side. The dog barked at their mother, who was fully dressed.
“Who was that on the phone?” Jamie asked.
His mom’s shoulders were stiff beneath her sweatshirt and she ran a hand through her hair. “Um, it was Dad. I’m meeting him for a drink at the golf club.”
“At eleven?” Brian asked. “You have to work tomorrow.”
“Yeah, I know. Go to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Brian closed his door, but Jamie didn’t. “What’s happening, Mom?”
“Nothing you need to concern yourself with, honey.”
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
He started away, but he hesitated. “If I should be concerned, promise you’ll tell me.”
“Jamie, people have to work out their feelings in their own way. Dad’s grappling with a lot now. We need to cut him some slack.”
“Okay.” He leaned over and kissed her. “I love you.” Then he closed his door.
Between his mother’s weird actions and Luke’s abrupt sign-off online, it was a long time before Jamie fell asleep.
*
April first was the launch of the men’s golf league Mike participated in every year, and after playing, all the guys met at the bar of the club for drinks. Mike sat in the outdoor area of The Nineteenth Hole and drew a puff from a Marlboro. It was cool out here, but a cigarette was what he needed. Another puff. He’d paid eight dollars for the pack in the vending machine. He and Maggie hadn’t smoked since college, and he had no idea how much the cost had gone up.
The price of vice. Oughtta be a song. He started to hum, then realized he must be drunk. Why not? It took the edge off. He could confess his overindulgence to Father Pete. All weekend, Mike made mistakes. He’d tried to pray about it, but he found no solace there, either. He had to get advice on all this from the priest. But tonight, he needed this escape.
The thought of his inadequacies had Mike gulping the rest of his beer and stubbing out his cigarette. None too steady, he rose, walked back into the bar, and sat down onto a stool.
“I’ll have another Molson’s.”
The pretty bartender with brown eyes like Maggie’s glanced over his shoulder. He heard dangling behind him. “I’ve got his keys,” Craig said.
Mike took a swig of newly drawn brew when the woman set it in front of him. The pale ale was ice cold and went down smooth.
“Wanna tell me about it?” Craig asked, dropping onto the stool next to him.
Disgusted with himself, Mike ran his finger around the rim of the glass. “You’ll wish you didn’t know.”
“Maggie okay?”
Recalling the sex last week, and the bruises on her arm that she tried to hide from him, he took another swig. “It’s Jamie.”
“He’s not sick, is he?”
Ah, the sixty-four-thousand-dollar question. “No, Craig.” Knowing Jamie didn’t want his situation made public, that Maggie had promised not to announce his sexual orientation to anyone, Mike nonetheless told his friend the truth.
When he finished, Craig blew out a heavy breath. “Mike, I’m sorry.”
“Me, too.”
“You and Maggie must be devastated.”
He didn’t give his wife away. “I am.”
“I’ll help, in any way I can. You two were there for us when Tyler was diagnosed with leukemia. We’ll be there for you now.”
Something was wrong with that statement, but Mike’s brain was too fuzzy to figure it out. Over Craig’s shoulder, he caught sight of his wife threading her way through the crowd at the bar.
Anger rose inside him. “Did you call Maggie?”
“Yes.”
“Why the hell did you do that?”
“Because I’ve got my own car and you can’t drive yours. You refused to go home with me and I have to leave.”
“Shit, Craig.”
Maggie reached them. “Hi, guys.”
From the corner of his eye, he saw Craig and Maggie exchange looks, Craig place the keys in her hand and kiss her cheek. Then he clapped Mike on the shoulder. “Take care.”
Mike only grunted.
When his friend headed out, Maggie sidled onto the stool next to him. The fresh scent of her—she showered at night—suddenly made him feel grimy. He didn’t look at her, but gazed into his beer instead.
Finally, she spoke. “You had too much to drink. It’s okay. Craig called because he’s worried. And you can’t drive.”
“I know I can’t drive. I’m not an idiot!”
He felt her recoil next to him.
“Craig didn’t have to call you.” Mike transferred his gaze from the beer to the ballgame on the overhead TV. “I was going to…” He drifted off. In truth, he had no idea what he was planning to do.
A long silence while he sipped his drink. She picked up the pack of cigarettes and surprised him by saying, “Hmm, I’ll bet that’s fun to do again.” They’d given up smoking early in their married life when they became responsible adults, which right now wasn’t so appealing.
“It is. Want to go have one?”
“I’d love to. But no.”
He smiled. “You’re upset, too.”
“Of course I am.”
“You pretend you’re not sorry he’s gay.”
“That’s not what I’m upset about.”
“Yeah, sure.”
She reached over and took a sip of his beer.
“Want a drink?”
“No, I’ll have some of yours.”
For a while, they sat there, blindly staring ahead, lost in their own thoughts. It was soothing to him, the two of them together. They’d faced problems through the years like this and suddenly he was terrified of losing his closeness with his wife. When his glass was empty, he threw some money down on the bar and stood. “I’m ready to go.”
Inside her car, he stretched out his long legs as much as he could in the front of the Honda Civic and leaned back into the seat. His eyes closed.
The short trip home was made in silence. But when Maggie pulled into the driveway, then the garage, she turned to him. “Both kids were up when I left. They wanted to know why I was going out.”
“What did you tell them?”
“That I was meeting you for a drink.”
“It won’t hurt for them to see their saintly father had a few too many beers.”
“I’m not worried about that.”
He stiffened. “What
are
you worried about, Maggie?”
The light had gone on in the garage when she activated the automatic opener and the softness of her features shamed him.
“I’m worried you’re upset about Jamie being gay and because you’ve had too much to drink, you’ll say something tonight you don’t mean, or wouldn’t want the boys to hear.”