Maggie had flown up the steep steps to the room she shared with her sister Sara, who was asleep in the other bed, and dived into hers, hiding her head under the blankets.
Caroline came in hours later, after the priest had gone home. She uncovered Maggie and scooped her up. They headed to Caroline’s room down the hall. The floorboards creaked beneath her sister’s feet as Maggie hung on to her neck. When they reached her room, Caroline set Maggie on the bed, then went to a white dresser and opened a drawer. Maggie loved this space with its blue walls and the old dressers Caroline had repainted white. She let Maggie help with both. The air smelled like Caroline, too. When she came back to the bed, she sat down. “Here, Mags, I want you to have this.”
Maggie stared down at the chocolate Fanny Farmer Santa each of them got every Christmas in their stockings. They were the best treats ever. She’d already eaten hers. “It’s yours, Caro.”
“No, you take it.” She placed the candy in Maggie’s little hands. “I’ve got to tell you something.”
“Ma and Dad are mad at you.”
“Yes. I…I have to go away, baby.”
Maggie’s eyes widened. “For how long?”
“Probably a very long time. I’m getting married, and Ma and Dad don’t want me to.”
“Why?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
Maggie began to cry and the chocolate Santa fell to the sheets. She grabbed on to Caro’s hands. “You mean you’re going away forever?”
“It could be a long time.”
“Take me with you, Caro.”
“Oh, Magpie…” Now her sister’s cheeks were wet. “I can’t.”
Maggie threw herself at Caroline and got a stranglehold on her neck. “Please, don’t leave me here with them.”
“I-I…”
“No, no, please. Don’t leave.”
“I have to. I’m sorry…”
Maggie neared her home, a little breathless, her speed having increased with the memory. Maybe, just maybe, the wound of Caroline’s abandonment would finally heal with her sister’s reappearance in her life. Now, if she could keep other wounds from festering. She thought about all that was happening with Mike and the boys and once again vowed she wouldn’t let her own family fracture as her extended one had.
Waiting to meet Luke, Jamie sat on the floor down the hall from the gym feeling anxious. Luke had come back to school today, but had been so busy getting caught up from a two-day absence that they hadn’t had much time to talk. Luke asked to meet him before practice started.
Jamie was upset about how Luke’s parents had treated him, about his own dad’s reaction to Jamie coming out and the tension at his house. Balancing his journal on his knees, he worked on another entry for English, only this time, he didn’t have to keep it private or hide what was important to him.
They were reading Kafka’s
The Metamorphosis
and the assignment was on self-identity. Though Jamie wondered if Ms. Carson designed some to the topics specifically for him, she assured him she didn’t. He wrote what was in his heart.
Who is this boy?
Who is this boy emerging
From the cocoon of the perfect son?
The loyal friend?
The reliable brother?
Who is this boy
Who wants other boys?
A stranger?
A freak?
Just another scared child?
“No,” I shout.
“It’s me. I’m the same.
Please see me.
Please love me.
Please accept me.
I’m not so different from you.”
Then an inner voice whispers,
“Yes, you are.”
After he wrote the entry, Jamie could breathe easier. He checked his watch and saw it was time to meet Luke. Standing, Jamie stowed his gear in his backpack, headed down the hall, went inside the boy’s locker room, and found Luke dressed in his gray and blue uniform, leaning against the wall. As he got closer, the glaring fluorescent lights from the ceiling made Luke’s face pale. It was also blank. Jamie had learned quickly this was a self-protective mask he wore.
“Hey, Luke.”
When he saw Jamie, Luke’s expression brightened. That made Jamie feel a little better. Still, he said, “Sorry about your parents.”
“Yeah, me, too.”
Jamie’s gut clenched as he thought about his role in this. “I pushed you to tell them. You knew they weren’t ready.”
“It’s not your fault, Jame. It’s theirs. My father is such a bigot. He’s so irrational, it’s hard to believe, you know?”
He didn’t know. Though his own father was having trouble with Jamie’s sexual orientation, it wasn’t because his dad was prejudiced. “Can I help?”
“No.” Luke ran a hand through his hair. “I have to wait it out.”
“At least they let you come to school.”
“Only because we’re doing AP test review.” His hand gripped the leather glove he carried. “Have to maintain the old grade point average,” Luke said in an imitation of his father.
“I can’t believe they kept you home for two days.”
Something hard glinted in Luke’s gray-blue eyes. “Fuck them.”
Though he hated what he was about to say, Jamie tried to sound sincere. “We could do some damage control. If we weren’t seen together again, the issue might blow over.”
Luke pushed off the wall and smashed his fist into the cold steel of a locker. The tinny sound reverberated through the open space, making Jamie jump. “No. All of this can’t be for nothing, Jame.”
“Okay, okay.” Jamie scanned the area. The rest of the team had already hustled out to the field and when Jamie saw they were alone he grabbed Luke’s hand, brought it to his mouth and kissed the abrasion on his knuckles. Despite the circumstances, he reveled in the feel of Luke’s skin on his lips.
Leaning in close for a minute, Luke touched Jamie’s forehead with his own, then drew back. “I gotta go.”
“All right. Text me later.”
Jamie watched as Luke started away, his cleats clicking on the tile, his broad shoulders straining against his uniform. Despite the circumstances, he got turned on just looking at Luke. It made him edgy, like a shot of adrenaline pumped through him.
Luke turned when he got to the exit. “It’ll be okay. And remember it’s not your fault.”
“Sure. Have a good practice.”
Like he always did lately when he felt bad for Luke or about what was happening to both of them, Jamie took his iPod out of his backpack, plugged it in his ear, and punched up a song about making changes in your life and taking risky paths. The message made him optimistic, and when he got outside the sun was shining brightly. And the mild April afternoon warmed his body and his soul.
Paul and Nick exited from another door in the school. A spurt of jealousy at their ease in being together hit Jamie so hard and fast it made his stomach hurt. He wondered why they didn’t have the need to come out as a couple like he and Luke did. He waved to them and they hustled over.
“Hey, Jame.” Paul cocked his head. “Where were you?”
“In the locker room talking to Luke.”
Nick socked him in the arm. “We been seeing you around school with him a lot.”
Paul asked, “How come, buddy?”
Glancing down, Jamie kicked at a broken piece of cement on the sidewalk. “You know why.” He glanced up. “You guys mad I didn’t tell you sooner? About me at least?”
“Nah. People gotta do things in their own time.” Nick moved in close to Paul. “You, um, gonna be open about it, that you and Luke are a couple?”
“Yeah. Soon, I hope. I’m sick of hiding who I am.” He saw traces of embarrassment on their faces. “But it’s really hard to do, so, you know, you have to do what’s best for you.”
Paul nodded. “There’s a whole crowd of kids at Sherwood High that are gay, and a lot of straight ones are down with it. But I don’t know about being a couple.” He glanced away. “Besides, my parents would freak, big-time.”
Jamie glanced at the gym. “So did Luke’s.”
“What about yours?”
“My dad’s having trouble. My mom’s been great, though.” He thought about his brother still being in the dark. “Brian doesn’t know yet, guys, so don’t say anything.”
“It’s getting out, Jamie.”
“I’m gonna tell him soon. He’ll do okay, but his jock friends won’t be cool about this.”
“Rumor has it there are guys on sports teams who swing the other way. Besides Luke, I mean.”
“No shit?” Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for Luke after all. Jamie’s mood lightened. “Either of you got a car? I have to leave mine for Brian.”
“Uh-huh.” Paul exchanged glances with Nick. “We’re going to see that new horror flick. Wanna come?”
“It’ll be fun, Jame,” Nick put in.
“Yeah, I guess.”
Suddenly Jamie didn’t feel so alone anymore. He thought back to the poem he wrote earlier. Maybe he wasn’t so different. He hoped his friends were right and it wouldn’t be so bad with his teammates.
*
Maggie asked Jamie to go out with her on Tuesday after school. One of their favorite shopping places was Sutton Lane by the canal that ran through Rochester. The quaint area sported a string of unique shops and restaurants lining the road. People strolled along, enjoying the spring weather and peeking into shops, busy now after a long winter. They parked the car and headed for One World Products. Jamie preferred to buy from that store because the merchandise was made in developing nations and all the profits went to the artisans. She wondered if he planned to get a gift for Luke.
He linked his arm with hers as they walked. Maggie loved how affectionate he was in public, loved so much about this boy of her heart. “It’s so great Caroline called you, Mom.”
“I’m thrilled. Having a sibling you’re close to, can talk to is so important.”
Jamie shot her a sideways glance. “Translation—I should tell Brian about me. And Luke.”
“All right, yes. You’ve got to let him know what’s going on before anybody finds out at school. When he and I had dinner the other night, I skirted his questions about why it’s tense at home, but you really have to do this, Jame.”
Her son stopped on the sidewalk and faced her. “Some kids already know.” His eyes were wide with both anxiety and excitement, like a toddler about to test his independence who was afraid to venture out, yet looking forward to it, too. “Luke and I are going on an official date soon. It’s gonna get all over school that I’m gay.”
“Oh, honey, then it’s even more important that Brian be told.”
“I know.”
“How are Luke’s parents taking it?”
“They freaked when he came out to them. Not like you. And Dad, too, by comparison, I guess.”
Ah, more information to feed her mother’s soul. Ashamedly, she felt smug, like people get when they’ve done something right with their kids and other parents haven’t.
“I’m sorry to hear that. How bad is it?”
Jamie started walking again. “Luke wasn’t in school for a few days. They kept him home.” His face paled. “Away from me, like I’m some criminal. Like I’d sell him drugs or something.”
Encircling his shoulder with her arm, she pulled him close. “There is
nothing
wrong with you, buddy. I promise. There are just bigoted people in the world who have narrow views.”
They walked farther before Jamie spoke again. “Anyway, I’ll clue Brian in tomorrow after school.”
“Good.”
“Did you let Aunt Caroline know what’s going on when she called?”
“No, you asked me not to. I haven’t even told Gretta.” She tried to keep the disappointment out of her voice.
They’d reached the door of the One World. Jamie put his hand on the knob but stopped before he opened it. “You can tell Gretta. I shouldn’t have asked you not to. You need to bounce things off of her.”
“It’s okay. I can wait.”
“Nope. I think you need her now. Go ahead.”
“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll tell her as soon as Brian knows.”
“You drive a hard bargain.”
“For your welfare I do, honey.”
*
Mike had just gotten back to his office from a long meeting with the powers-that-be for his company and was drained. He liked being at work these days, though, where there was no personal conflict, no holding back what he said, no walking on eggshells. Purposely banishing those thoughts now, he took off his suit coat, loosened his tie, and sat in the chair behind his desk.
Laura Simpson came to his office door. Her smile was radiant. She was young, about thirty, with real enthusiasm for her job. “Thank you so much, Mike. I honestly thought my position was going to be cut.”
“You’re welcome. There’s too much work to do to share assistants, and besides, you keep me organized.”
She crossed to the credenza, which was littered with papers. “Mind if I straighten this out now?”