“I still don’t think this is a big deal.”
“You wouldn’t feel that way if it was your brother who was queer!”
Very quietly, she said, “Yes, I would.”
And very quickly, he realized she was looking at him the same way, using the same tone of voice that his mother had when Jamie dropped the bomb today.
Then another thought occurred to him. “You said all those kids are gay. Did you know about Jamie? That he is?”
She sighed. “I suspected. There’s been some talk.”
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”
Waiting a long time before she answered, she finally whispered, “I think that’s obvious.”
*
“Mrs. Davidson, this is Heather. I wanted you to know that Brian’s here at my house. He’s upset and not thinking straight or he would have called you himself.”
Maggie could have wept with relief. “Oh, Heather, thank you for letting me know where he is.”
It was past suppertime and Brian had been gone for hours. She’d left Jamie holed up in his room, headphones in place, escaping to a world of music and the Internet. Mike was at a Contemporary Issues discussion group and tonight’s session included dinner. “Can I talk to him?”
“I’ll ask.” There was a slur of conversation. Then Heather came back on the line. “He says no. I’m sorry.”
“Tell him I love him and to come home soon.”
“I will. Are you okay?”
“Yes, I’m fine.”
She wasn’t, of course. She was shaken and worried about her sons. For so long, she’d taken their closeness for granted, relishing the fact that they were best friends.
Mike rolled in about nine. He was whistling. The church group always made him upbeat. God, she guessed, gave him hope. She was in the kitchen, baking chocolate chip cookies, Brian’s favorite, trying to sort out her own feelings.
“Hi.” Mike put his keys in the cupboard and came up behind her. Sliding his arms around her waist, he nuzzled her neck. He felt strong and safe and she wanted to bury herself in his chest. “Hmm, you smell almost as good as the cookies.”
“I took a bath.” Her antidote to tension. Usually it worked. Not tonight, though.
Drawing back, he snitched a cookie and munched on it. “How are the boys?”
Oh, Lord, she didn’t want to ruin his mood, but she had no choice.
She put the last pan into the oven then faced him. “There’s a problem. Brian and Jamie talked. Brian lost it and stormed out.”
The muscles of Mike’s face tensed and she watched the inner peace he’d gotten from church drain from his body. “Define
lost it.
”
She described the incident with as much objectivity as she could. “He’s still at Heather’s.”
“I’ll talk to him when he gets home.”
“I want to, too. I was part of it.” She explained what she’d said when the explosion occurred. Mike always backed her in situations like this, and she needed that support tonight.
Instead, his face blanked. “You can’t side with Jamie on this.”
Her arms folded across her middle, she struggled to control the churning of her stomach. “I’m not siding with either one of them. And I resent you saying that to me.”
He raised his chin. “Really? You’ve been implying worse about me for days.”
“I have not.”
“With every criticism of my church, of my attitude, you have.”
“I—”
He pushed off the counter and walked out of the room.
Maggie fell asleep on the couch in the living room off the foyer waiting for Brian to come home. She awoke when she heard the front door open and click closed. He halted when he caught sight of her. “You didn’t go to bed?”
“No. I was waiting for you.”
“I’m beat. I’m gonna crash.”
“Can we talk first?”
“I don’t want to. Maybe tomorrow.”
Rising from the couch, she crossed to the foyer and took his hand. She cradled it in both of hers. “I’m going to tell you what I told your brother. There’s nothing you could do, ever, that would make me love you any less.”
Conflicting emotions played across his face. Then her big jock, who had once finished a football game with a broken wrist, her tough athlete who’d been knocked off balance by a stray pitch to his leg and went on to hit the winning run, burst into tears like a little boy.
Maggie managed to get him into the living room onto the couch, and once there, she held him, much like she’d held his brother hours earlier. Brian’s sobs were as wrenching as Jamie’s. When he quieted, he drew back and wiped his face with sleeve. “I don’t know what to say, Mom.”
“Tell me what you’re feeling.”
“Can I be honest?”
“Absolutely. It won’t help anybody to lie.”
“I guess I’m embarrassed. We’ve been a normal family. Now I find out my brother’s
gay
?”
“Do you think that will reflect badly on you at school?”
“Maybe. With the jocks, at least.”
“Why?”
“Guys don’t do that stuff with each other.” He shook himself. “It’s gross.”
“Not to someone who’s gay. Jamie’s feelings for a person of the same sex are as natural as the feelings you have for Heather.”
“No way, Mom. It’s abnormal.”
“Abnormal means not the norm, not like the majority. It doesn’t mean wrong or perverted.”
He rolled his eyes. “That’s the psychology professor talking.”
“And the mom. There’s nothing wrong with Jamie, Brian. He merely has a different sexual orientation than you.”
“You really believe that?”
“Yes, I do.”
Brian hit his hand on his forehead. “What about the church? They hate homosexuals. Dad must think something’s wrong with Jamie.”
“You’ll have to discuss that with him. But for the record, the Catholic Church says it isn’t a sin to
be
homosexual, but it is to practice it.”
“So what, a gay guy can’t ever have sex? Yeah, right, like that’s gonna happen.”
“It’s my belief that a loving relationship straight or gay is not a sin. But your father’s views are different. You have to make up your own mind.”
Leaning back into the cushions, Brian shook his head. “I been thinking about when we were little. You know, we have that picture of all of us kids on the street playing dress-up. Some of us were in girl clothes. I keep seeing it, thinking about Jamie knowing all that time he was…”
When he didn’t go further with the point, she said, “First off, I don’t think Jamie would have known he was gay at seven years old. The awareness would most likely come at puberty, when sexuality emerges and starts to develop.”
“All right, but when he did know, he should have told me.” Emotion filled Brian’s words. “How could he not, Mom? We had our first cigarettes together, we read books about the birds and the bees when we didn’t know anything about it. I told him when Heather and me first…” He trailed off.
Of all the topics the boys discussed with them, sex was the most strained. She and Mike had given them both “The Talk” and Mike had gotten further with them in private man-to-boy discussions, but they wouldn’t openly discuss their sexual feelings with her. Of course, she’d suspected Brian and Heather were sexually active, but hearing she’d been cut out of his confidence weakened her own as a mother. Mike had told her she was overreacting. Boys were like that. If they’d had a girl, she’d be different.
Now, however, wasn’t the time to deal with that issue. “You need to discuss all that with Jamie. I’m sure he had his reasons.”
He pushed blond curls out of his face. “Don’t you feel bad he didn’t tell
you
sooner?”
“More than I can say, honey.”
“Oh, Mom. I didn’t think about how hard this must be for you.” He hugged her. When he drew back, his face was ragged. “Can I ask you something else?”
“Always.”
“It’s probably stupid.”
“I don’t care.”
“If Jamie’s gay, does that mean…hell Mom, could I have, like, some of those tendencies?”
“As a psychology professor, I can tell you we all have those tendencies. Sexual orientation is more of a spectrum. Some people are bisexual, some more hetero, some more homo. Do
you
think you’re closer to the homosexual side?”
“No. I like girls. Hell, I love Heather. Everything about her.”
“Then there’s your answer.” She watched him and saw more in his expression. “What else?”
“I guess I’m disappointed. I don’t want him to be gay, Mom.”
For the first time that night, Maggie didn’t respond to her son’s comment.
“Do you?”
“I-I’m not disappointed in Jamie.”
Brian’s gaze narrowed on her. “Do you want him to be gay?”
Oh, God. “I want him to be happy.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“It’s the best one I can give right now.” No way was she repeating to Brian what she had confessed to Melissa, what she still felt ashamed of thinking. The grandfather clock in the foyer struck one. “I think this is enough talking for tonight.” She stood and reached out her hand. “You need to sleep, buddy. But before you do, come on.”
She led him to the kitchen. There, they shared cookies and milk like they used to when Brian was small and was unhappy. Maggie realized she’d give anything in the world to have those days back with both him and Jamie.
*
Jamie waited for Luke at one in the morning in a park between his and the Cranes’ house. After what happened with Brian, Jamie felt so bad, he’d texted Luke and asked him to sneak out and meet him when their respective families were asleep. He begged, really, but he couldn’t help it. And he knew he shouldn’t be doing this, Luke had enough to deal with, but Jamie didn’t know where else to turn. He’d long since stopped confiding in Julianne, and now, his brother, his best friend, had called him a faggot. He could still hear it echoing in his head, could still see Brian’s contorted face when he found out the truth. Who Jamie was made his brother sick. And knowing that made Jamie feel dead inside.
When Luke pulled up in his yellow Camaro, Jamie’s heart started to beat fast. Luke buzzed the window down and kept the motor running. “Jame? What’s going on?”
Gathering strength, Jamie closed the distance between them, vowing he wouldn’t cry again, even as his eyes began to mist. “I’m…I…”
“Jesus. Get in the car.”
Jamie slid in the passenger side and shut the door. Immediately, Luke took his hand, held it in between the two of his. “Tell me.”
In halting sentences, Jamie poured out the whole story about Brian. Luke gripped his fingers tight, brushed a hand down his hair, and squeezed his shoulder until the ugly truth was all out. “That’s awful, Jamie. I-I guess I thought Brian would be better about it, too.”
“I shouldn’t be laying this on you. You’re having your own problems with your family.” His voice was hoarse, as if he’d been sick for a long time. “I just didn’t know where else to go.”
A small smile from Luke. “You know what? I like that you came to me.”
“Seriously?”
“Uh-huh. It makes us more of a couple.”
“I like that, too.”
“I’ve never had anybody I could share stuff with like you had Brian.”
“
Had
being the operative word.”
“I really envy you, admire you.”
“Honest?”
“Yep. For that and more, Jame.”
Flattered, he asked, “Like what?”
Luke leaned back against the seat and stared ahead. “Your whole family, mostly. You guys love each other so much. Work through problems. Do stuff together.”
Jamie was sorry Luke didn’t have what he did. “Your parents will come around.”
“No, Jame, they won’t. I just have to accept that.” He turned to Jamie. “But Brian will. You’re so close. Give him time to adjust. He’ll settle down and see what’s really important.”
Luke’s confident assertion calmed Jamie. And it was cool Luke could do that for him. Jamie needed that and more tonight. “So that’s all you admire about me? My family?”
“No. You’ve always been yourself. You didn’t come out, but you never pretended to like girls.”
“I never saw myself as different from anybody else.”
“That’s the best thing about you. You just don’t know how cool you are.”
What could be better than getting the approval of a boy you liked? Jamie had never, ever experienced the emotion and it was heady. Earlier, he hadn’t thought anyone could make him feel better, but Luke did.
Maybe he’d even try to flirt. “You’re not so bad yourself, Lucas Crane.”
“Yeah?” A really sexy tone had crept into his voice and for the first time, Jamie noticed the dark blond hair peeking out from the three open buttons on his shirt. Hoarsely, Luke said, “Come over here and prove it.”
So Jamie slid as close as he could get. The gearshift between them was in the way, but he didn’t care. He plastered himself to Luke and was enveloped by big strong arms. Luke couldn’t make Brian’s reaction any more acceptable, but at least he could make Jamie forget for a little while. Against Luke’s lips, he said, “I never necked in a car with anybody, except for that night at the play. And it was only one kiss.”