Authors: Michel Farnac
He’d
told
many
people
about
his
departure
but
had
generally
not
gone
out
of
his
way
to
do
so.
He
wanted
to
be
methodical
and
practical
about
leaving
and
together
with
wanting
to
present
a
façade
of
strength
for
his
son
to
latch
on
to
as
needed,
this
took
an
inordinate
amount
of
energy,
be
it
only
because
of
the
detailed
planning
required.
And
so
he
had
resolved
to
be
rather
abrupt
for
efficiency’s
sake.
Closing
his
financial
accounts
required
settling
all
outstanding
bills
and
resigning
any
long
term
commitments,
meaning
that
he
was
getting
rid
of
his
cell-‐phone,
closing
down
his
e-‐mail
accounts
and
getting
rid
of
his
computer
equipment
and
therefore
securely
wiping
out
his
hard
drives.
What
lay
ahead
of
him
was
daunting
and
he
wanted
none
of
what
he
was
leaving
behind
to
distract
him
in
his
efforts
to
become
(once
again)
someone
else.
He
felt
that
he
needed
a
clean
break
in
order
to
gather
the
fortitude
he
would
need.
He
felt
that
he
could
not
continue
the
affair
and
not
betray
it
one
way
or
the
other.
“We
always
agreed
that
our
lives
came
first
and
that
there
was
no
permanence
to
the
affair.
I
suppose
that
I
fear
I
could
not
sustain
it
from
the
confines
of
the
life
that
awaits
me,
that
sooner
or
later,
my
secret
would
be
discovered,
and
it
is
a
chance
that
I
am
not
willing
to
take.
While
here
it
was
easier
for
me
to
carry
on
without
risk,
but
this
will
no
longer
work
out,
and
again,
distance
in
space
and
time
are
huge
factors.
What
time
and
distance
separate
us
now
will
be
doubled.“
He
tried
to
intuit
if
she
would
be
very
upset
at
him
but
the
sea
of
grief
upon
which
he
precariously
floated
precluded
his
natural
empathy
from
claiming
such
knowledge
in
ways
he
customarily
could.
He
felt
great
sadness
but
did
not
know
if
it
was
truly
a
reflection
of
what
she
would
feel
or
simply
of
his
own
loss.
“I
hope
you
do
not
think
of
me
as
a
coward
but
the
fear
will
make
me
point
out
that
a
coward
would
not
have
written
this
message.
I
am
weak
in
many
ways
and
I
know
some
of
these
weaknesses
well.
I
know
that
if
I
allow
our
affair
to
continue,
then
it
will
continue
to
be
a
priority
in
my
life,
not
something
I
can
pretend
to
myself
is
of
some
value
but
not
enough
so
to
distract
me
from
other
things,
and
I
know
that
you
would
continue
to
dominate
my
thoughts
for
hours
and
days
at
a
time.
This
was
fine
as
long
as
music
was
my
universe,
but
no
longer.”
He
tried
to
remember
if
she
had
ever
used
the
word
‘fair’.
Fairness
was
not
something
that
he
believed
in
particularly,
as
he
had
concluded
from
experience
that
it
was
only
a
temporary
construct
meant
to
appease
the
jealousies
of
the
more
manipulable.
For
there
to
have
been
guilt
would
have
required
that
he
would
have
had
taken
advantage
of
her
to
obtain
his
pleasure
with
lies
or
some
such
transgression,
none
of
which
was
remotely
true
in
his
mind.
He
believed
every
word
she
had
ever
written
to
him
about
how
wonderful
he
had
made
her
feel.
But
he
had
to
admit
(out
of
fairness?)
that
they
were
not
in
the
same
position,
she
and
he,
neither
in
the
relationship
nor
in
society,
space
or
life.
“I
am
not
Valmont
and
you
are
certainly
not
Merteuil,
but
I
realize
that
things
are
easier
for
me
than
they
could
ever
be
for
you
and
that
you
have
always
had
to
put
up
a
façade
in
order
to
be
yourself
whereas
my
very
presence
in
this
country
is
a
testament
to
the
fact
that
I
am
not
bound
by
such
constraints.
Your
drive
and
your
ambition
require
that
you
be
an
outstanding
member
of
your
community
and
your
own
family
expects
nothing
less.
Everyone
expects
you
to
be
devoted,
whether
to
your
work,
to
your
family,
to
your
church…
Up
until
now,
no-‐one
expected
me
to
be
devoted
to
much
of
anything
except
whatever
I
chose.
I
do
not
have
your
drive
or
your
ambition
but
life
has
mostly
defined
them
for
me
and
I
am
fully
aware
of
the
irony
that
as
my
life
becomes
in
a
sense
more
like
yours
I
find
myself
unable
to
do
what
you
have
done
and
to
seek
escape
and
freedom
in
our
relationship.
My
freedom
was
real
and
my
affair
with
you
was
just
as
real
and
in
that
sense
neither
of
them
was
an
escape,
though
maybe
they
had
the
feel
of
an
escapade.
I
will
never
see
what
I
lived
here
as
youthful
fancies
though
they
are
now
the
vestiges
of
a
youth
that
has
finally
escaped
me
in
full.”
He
paused
to
ponder
the
truth
of
what
he
had
just
written.
It
was
clear
to
him
now
that
he
had
come
to
America
with
no
real
expectation
of
success
of
the
type
that
music
can
offer
because
he
knew
that
he
would
eventually
return
to
do
what
would
some
day
be
expected
of
him:
handle
the
succession
when
his
father
passed
away
and
maintain
the
family
patrimony
in
good
standing
while
his
brother
continued
a
brilliant
civil
service
career
that
precluded
him
from
having
financial
involvements.
For
generations
his
family
had
functioned
in
such
ways
quite
successfully
and
Michel
had
always
accepted
the
fact
the
he
would
take
his
place
in
the
order
so
well
defined
in
which
he,
as
second
born
male,
was
the
intendant
to
the
generation.
Catherine
had
given
him
more
than
he
had
ever
hoped
to
find
in
romance
and
this
gave
him
a
strange
sense
of
peace
as
he
found
himself
embracing
the
quickly
deepening
bond
he
felt
to
his
roots
and
history.
“I
feel
very
much
whole,
thanks
to
you
and
the
gifts
you
bestowed
upon
me.
You
showed
for
me
a
desire
that
no
woman
or
man
had
ever
shown
before
and
it
made
me
feel
resplendent.
You
turned
a
spark
that
lay
dormant
in
me
into
a
flash
of
light
that
blinded
us
with
pleasure.
You
made
me
young
and
beautiful
and
reckless
and
while
I
know
that
this
will
fade
in
me
as
I
myself
fade
from
your
radiance,
the
seeds
of
joy
you
have
sown
in
the
rocky
soil
of
my
heart
will
thrive
there
as
long
as
I
live
and
their
blooms
unlike
me
will
never
grow
old.
But
I
feel
now
as
an
adolescent
boy
would
at
the
realization
that
the
long
summer
that
brought
him
magic
and
manhood,
reminiscent
perhaps
of
that
of
‘42,
is
now
drawing
inexorably
to
a
close.
The
long
garland
of
days
and
nights
somehow
fused
into
one
moment
that
seemed
eternal
is
vanishing,
leaving
in
its
place
a
chill
where
the
warm
breeze
once
blew
and
the
mere
ticking
of
a
tired
clock
where
our
hearts
once
so
vibrantly
beat
in
unison.
Is
it
truly
because
all
things
end
that
we
must
cherish
our
passions?
I
cherish
you
and
always
will,
this
I
know.”
Michel
fell
back
into
his
chair
with
a
sigh
of
exhaustion
and
contemplated
the
now
rather
long
message
he
had
composed
so
far
unsure
of
what
it
amounted
to.
There
was
not
much
sense
of
direction
and
he
still
wasn’t
quite
sure
what
his
true
motivations
were.
He
wanted
to
say
goodbye,
of
course,
but
more
than
that.
He
wanted
to
apologize
without
apologizing,
to
apologize
for
having
to
leave
which
was
not
his
fault
and
for
choosing
to
leave
her,
which
while
indeed
his
choice,
was
in
his
mind
the
only
reasonable
course
of
action.
He
wanted
to
tell
her
how
he
felt,
about
her,
about
leaving
her,
about
loosing
her…
He
wanted
to
beg
her
not
to
hate
him,
plead
with
her
to
forgive
whatever
faults
she
might
think
his.
He
wanted
absolution.
“I
am
shutting
down
this
email
account
as
of
tomorrow
since
I
will
no
longer
be
maintaining
my
music
website.
I
will
check
my
messages
one
last
time
before
I
do
so,
around
noon
my
time,
before
we
leave
for
the
airport.
My
wife
does
her
best
to
hide
her
joy
at
our
return,
just
as
I
try
to
hide
my
sadness.
It
is
easier
for
me
given
the
grief
factor.
But
I
am
rambling
now
for
lack
of
courage.
I
wish
you
happiness
and
above
all
pleasure.
I
wish
you
to
always
find
what
you
seek
and
much
more.
You
are
and
will
always
remain
my
muse
and
I
know
now
that
my
quest
has
ended,
just
as
I
know
that
there
shall
never
be
another
woman
in
my
life.