The Rancher's Family Wish (13 page)

“Yes, but—” Nervous about her burgeoning feelings for Tanner but hesitant to reveal them when he seemed to be distancing himself, Sophie finally asked the question that had been plaguing her. “Did you have a girlfriend when you lived on the streets?”

Tanner’s head jerked toward her. His face tightened into a mask Sophie had seen only once before, for a few moments the morning after the fire.

“Why do you ask that?” he growled.

“Because you never talk about your past. I’ve told you all kinds of things about Marty and my past life,” Sophie snapped, irritated that this sense of foreboding still troubled her. “But I know almost nothing about yours.”

“There’s nothing to know.” Tanner smiled at her, but it wasn’t his usual open smile. This one hid shadows in the back of his rich green eyes. The ball Davy and Beth had been throwing rolled toward him. As if relieved, he jumped to his feet to retrieve it. “I’m going to throw them a few,” he said and walked away.

Sophie was about to nod but since he wasn’t looking at her she clamped her lips shut, frustrated by the barrier that had seemed to come between them. Tanner laughed and joked with her children while she sat stewing about his attitude and lack of forthrightness. She yearned to be part of the fun the others were having but she couldn’t settle. She wanted to trust Tanner was everything he seemed to be.

But what if she trusted him and he betrayed her?

Questions about Tanner and his past tormented Sophie until finally she rose and walked toward a gray-barked sycamore tree near their horses. She admired the beautifully arched white branches loaded with large star-shaped leaves before lifting down the knapsack she’d packed earlier. She took out a thermos of coffee and poured herself a cup.

And froze.

There on the ground, where Tanner had been sitting just a minute earlier, lay a picture. Sophie bent, picked it up and swallowed hard. It was a copy of an ultrasound picture of an unborn child.

Tanner’s child?

Her knees buckled at the thought. Clutching her coffee, she sank onto a sun-warmed rock, unable to get past that thought. She sipped her black coffee, willing her hands to move, her brain to work, her thoughts to organize.

Sophie had no idea how much time had passed when she heard the kids’ voices coming closer. Without even thinking she slipped the picture into the pocket of her capris not knowing why, only aware that she needed time to make sense of her suddenly tilting world.

“We’re ready for a snack,” Tanner said, his usual tone in place. Then he frowned at her. “Sophie?”

“Yes. A snack.” She dredged up a smile while suppressing the urge to scream
traitor
. After all, she didn’t know anything about this picture yet. “Good thing I packed some cookies.”

“Are you all right?” His voice couldn’t have been more caring nor could the hand he placed on her shoulder have been more tender. “Don’t you feel well?”

“Actually I don’t. I think I’ll sit here and relax with my coffee while you guys have your snack.” She returned to her former seat, away from his touch, his voice and those all-seeing eyes. “I’ll be fine,” she assured him when he kept watching her.

Of course she would be. She had to be.

Because if there was one lesson Sophie had learned it was self-reliance. But while she maintained her stoic face, her heart cried,

Whom do I trust now, God?

* * *

“There’s something wrong so you might as well tell me what it is.” Tanner sat on Sophie’s lumpy sofa and waited for the ax to fall. “The kids are in bed, probably sleeping, and you don’t have a job scheduled for tomorrow so you have no excuse to keep you from telling me what it is.”

Sophie said nothing, simply reached into her pocket and slid something out. She set it on the coffee table in front of him. “You dropped this when we were at the creek.”

Tanner knew she wouldn’t ask him about the photo. She wanted to. He could see the questions filling her dark eyes. But she’d asked him about his past so often and he’d always rebuffed her. He knew she wouldn’t ask again.

Explaining was the very last thing he wanted to do. But for ages he’d been telling her to trust. Now it was his turn to trust her—with the truth.

“The picture is of my son. He died before he was ever born.”

Sophie caught her breath but gave no other visible sign that she was affected.

“I have to start at the beginning, okay?” When she nodded, he sighed. “Remember the friend I asked you about, the one who walked away from his pregnant girlfriend?” Her eyes flared and he nodded. “It was me. Her name was Amy and the day Burt invited me to live with him she’d just told me she was pregnant.”

“But how— When...?” Sophie’s lips pinched together. She sat back and waited.

“I know what I did was wrong. I know I should have taken care of her, at least made sure she was all right. I had a responsibility and I dodged it, ran away to a world I’d only ever dreamed about.” Tanner could tell by her expression that Sophie was horrified. “I should have been there for Amy and I wasn’t. I will always be ashamed of that.”

“Why did you do it?” she whispered.

“I don’t know if you can understand how unbelievable Burt’s offer was to me.” Even now Tanner was amazed that he of all people had been selected to live at Wranglers. “I’d been on the street for three months. I was scared, hungry, alone and going nowhere fast. I knew that if I stayed on the streets it wouldn’t be long before Tige would convince me to start using. I knew I’d end up exactly like him if I did.”

“Burt?”

“He said I’d have a home. I’d never had that, Sophie. Not a home of my own. He said I wouldn’t be hungry, that he’d teach me how to work with horses. I was a mess with people,” he joked but found no corresponding mirth on her face. “But I got along real good with his horses. Maybe because we both just want someone to love us.” Admitting that was embarrassing.

“I see.” Sophie frowned. “What did Burt say about Amy?”

“I didn’t tell him.” Tanner hung his head. “I didn’t think—no, I
knew
he wouldn’t let me go with him if he knew about her and the baby. He’d been taking me out for lunch, to church, to the ranch—stuff I’d only ever dreamed of. He had a house, a place where he could be his own boss, and I knew from his church talk that he would never beat me.”

“So you accepted.” She said it as if she’d expected nothing more.

“No. I refused at first. But when I told Amy she told me to go. She was in love with another guy by then. She didn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I figured it was the same old, same old. Nobody cared what Tanner Johns did.” He studied her, praying, hoping she could understand his desperation.

But all Sophie said was “Go on,” in that crisp, cool voice that was not the real Sophie, not the woman he’d come to care about.

“So I thought why not take what Burt was offering. Nobody would care. I could finish school and most of all, I could get away from Tige. So I gave Amy every cent I had, all two hundred dollars.” He smiled, remembering how massive that sum had seemed. “And I walked away, all the way to Wranglers Ranch. And I’m still here.”

“But—didn’t it bother you?” Sophie wanted to know.

“Every day and every night,” Tanner told her honestly. “I’d think about that baby, wonder when his birthday was, if he could walk or talk, what color his eyes were, if he was all right. I was desperate to know about my child. So one day I went back to find out.” He stopped, the memory still powerful enough to catch his breath.

“And?”

“Tige told me Amy was gone. That’s when I knew I’d lost any chance I ever had to have the family I’d always wanted.” Tanner sat in silent shame.

He wasn’t going to tell her that Tige had beaten him within an inch of his life because he wouldn’t sell his drugs. He wasn’t going to mention that he’d lain in pain under a sheet of cardboard for two days, until Burt had found him and taken him to the hospital. He sure wasn’t going to tell her how hard it now was to keep going back to those awful streets, to keep some other kid from being as stupid as he’d been.

“I’m sorry, Tanner. No wonder you didn’t want to talk about it,” Sophie said in a very quiet voice.

“I’d talk about it nonstop if it meant he could have lived.” He rose and picked up the picture, let his forefinger trail over the face he now loved. “It should have been me who died. I deserved it. Not him.”

“I’m so sorry, Tanner.” Her hand touched his shoulder in the briefest caress.

Tanner turned into her arms, desperate to find—what? Solace? Forgiveness? Love?

Sophie hesitated, patted his shoulder and then when he would have drawn her close, eased free and moved four feet away.

“I’m truly sorry, Tanner. But I’m glad you told me. You needed to tell someone, to let out the pain.”

“I guess.” He slid the picture into his pocket without taking his gaze from her. His heart sank. Sophie looked as if she was waiting. For him to leave?

As he studied her stiff figure he knew immediately that whatever she’d felt, or whatever he’d hoped she’d feel, was now gone. Sophie didn’t trust easily. In her eyes, by leaving Amy, he’d betrayed in the worst possible way.

“I’d better go. See you soon?” He hoped.

“I’ll be busy for the next few weeks,” she said quickly. Too quickly. “But I’m catering your Independence Day celebration, remember? I think the kids are really looking forward to it.”

“Yeah.” So now they were employer and employee? “Sophie—”

“I’m really tired, Tanner. I’d like to get some rest. But thank you for today.”

“Yeah. Sure.” He walked to the door, took his hat off the hook and glanced around one last time. Something inside him died as he realized he wouldn’t be coming back here again. Sophie didn’t want a man she couldn’t trust in her life.

Now she stood holding the door open, waiting to escort him out of her world.

Tanner walked forward. But he stopped on the threshold and, without pausing to think, did the only thing he could. He leaned forward and kissed Sophie Armstrong the way he’d always wanted to.

And to his utter amazement and joy, Sophie kissed him back the way he wanted to be kissed, as if he was precious, wanted. It was as if something stronger than either of them pushed them to break through the barriers they’d put up to protect their inner selves.

Against what? Against this powerful, heartrending certainty that no one could ever mean so much?

Tanner’s arms tightened around the woman whose smile could make his day. Feeling Sophie’s heart beat against his answered every question about what was important in his life. He’d never been happier than he was right now.

But Sophie wasn’t his. By withholding the truth he’d lost her trust.

With regret dragging at him he loosed his arms and stepped back. He smoothed the tears from her cheeks, brushed her shiny brown hair from her eyes and traced her wonderful lips with one lingering caress.

“Goodbye, Sophie.”

Then Tanner walked out the door to a future guaranteed to be the same as his past.

Alone.

Chapter Eleven

“W
hy doesn’t Mr. Cowboy come here anymore, Mama?”

Sophie had been waiting for the question. Truthfully she hadn’t expected Beth to wait more than a month before asking.

“Yeah,” Davy chimed in. “How come we don’t go to Wranglers Ranch anymore?”

“You still go, Davy,” Sophie reminded him. “You work there two days a week.”

“But that’s work. School’s been out for ages but I don’t get to do fun things with Tanner anymore,” her son protested.

“Tanner’s busy. He has camps going for other kids. He doesn’t have time to play with you.” She pressed toothpicks with little flags on top into each cupcake. “Anyway, we are going to Wranglers today.”

“Just to deliver food. Then you’ll make up an excuse why we have to leave. Again.” Davy’s glowering face said he understood exactly what she was doing.

“I like Mr. Cowboy,” Beth said quietly, favoring her mother with an intense stare.

“So do I.”
Way too much for my own good.
“And for your information we’re going to be at Wranglers Ranch until late tonight.” Suppressing the bubble of joy inside her that matched her children’s grins, Sophie said, “We’re going to leave in twenty minutes. Please straighten your rooms and make your beds before we leave.”

“Why? Who’s going to see them?” Davy grumbled, pushing away from the breakfast table. “Nobody ever comes to this boring place.”

“Boring,” Beth added before she scooted off to her room.

Sophie couldn’t argue with the truth. Without Tanner life
was
dull. But that was the way it had to be. She’d made that decision after he’d told her about his unborn child. Though it had been painfully clear that Tanner regretted his actions and though Sophie accepted that he’d been very young to make such a momentous decision, she’d realized that she didn’t really know Tanner enough to trust him. Even now she couldn’t get past her disappointment in his selfish actions. As she’d listened to his explanations with her heart aching for his loss, she’d accepted that he deeply mourned losing the son he clearly now longed for.

But accompanied by her empathy was the memory of her own suffering as a single mom, alone, desperate, terrified she’d fail her kids because Marty hadn’t provided for them. His selfish decisions had cost her dearly. Still did. Even though Wranglers had boosted her income, even though Tanner had touted her skills so that she could now pick and choose jobs, Sophie still worried. What if, God forbid, something happened to her?

Sophie couldn’t afford to love Tanner, though that didn’t stop her heart from wanting his arms around her, or end her yearning for him to kiss her as he had. So she’d distanced herself by being brisk and businesslike and avoiding any chance of intimacy between them. Apparently Tanner felt the same because though he was always unfailingly polite and welcoming when she had a job at Wranglers or when he saw them at church, he no longer came to her house, teased her or made those affectionate gestures she’d come to cherish.

Sophie had contemplated walking away from her commitments to Wranglers and Tanner. But she couldn’t do it, and not just because she’d spent the deposit he’d given her for Wranglers’ Fourth of July party. Davy adored the skateboard she’d bought for his birthday, and the new stove in her kitchen was a necessity. But the real reason she hadn’t canceled was because she couldn’t bear to disappoint Tanner. Because he’d been disappointed too many times already. No matter how hard she tried to be cool and calculating, Sophie couldn’t get rid of the strong love she felt for the rancher.

She was mad at God for that. How could He have let her fall for the wrong man again, and not just the wrong man but one her children adored? God had let their lives become intertwined with the ranch so much that this break with Tanner was causing her kids pain. That was the last thing she wanted and it only reinforced her feelings of distrust.

So Sophie slowly distanced herself from Wranglers, hoping Beth and Davy would find other things to fill their world. Clearly that wasn’t working. Why oh why had God let this happen?

Stuffing down her yearning for things to go back the way they were, Sophie mocked herself. Pretending Tanner hadn’t abandoned his girlfriend, and being with a man she couldn’t trust was not the answer. Self-sufficiency was.

With a sigh for the trust that still eluded her, Sophie packed up the containers she’d filled with lunch goodies for the church-sponsored trail ride at Wranglers and tonight’s barbecue, loaded the kids and drove to her job site. She would keep her word, provide food for today’s party as she’d agreed. But once her Fourth of July commitment was complete, Sophie wasn’t going back to Wranglers. Better to make a clean break. Davy and Beth would just have to deal with it.

“Hello, Mrs. Armstrong.” The security guard nodded at the kids and waved her through onto Wranglers Ranch. That interaction combined with the sight of a new metal gate closing as she drove to the house gave Sophie a moment of anxiety, but she brushed it away. It had been weeks now and Tige hadn’t made an appearance. Tanner was simply being cautious.

“Hey, Sophie. How are you?” The object of her thoughts opened her van door.

“I’m fine.” Tanner looked gaunt, she thought. As if he wasn’t sleeping well. Because of her? A trickle of guilt filtered through her but she ignored it and handed Beth and Davy items to carry inside.

“We’ll have a hungry bunch of cowpokes today,” Tanner said. He took the largest bin from her and indicated she should pile another on it.

“I have plenty of food,” she told him, walking into the kitchen and hoping he wouldn’t linger. Having him so near made her want things that could not be.

“And extra?” he asked quietly. “Tige’s kids showed up with some friends.”

“There will be enough for everyone.” She glanced out the window. “The ranch looks very busy.”

“It is.” Tanner frowned. “We have so many coming every day. The day camps aren’t enough. Originally I’d planned to build cabins so we could do overnighters but...” He leaned back on his heels without finishing his sentence.

“But?” she prodded. “That’s not possible now?” she asked after nodding permission for Davy and Beth to go check on the rabbits.

“It’s possible,” he said quietly. “I’m just not sure how to go about it. I’m no builder.”

“Can’t you hire someone?” Sophie mixed the lemonade and added ice from his fridge.

“If I could find an architect with the right vision.” He met her gaze and shrugged. “I want a certain type of cabin that doesn’t look out of place.”

“I’m sorry,” she murmured sympathetically while keeping her head averted, hoping, no, praying he would leave.

“Sophie, is everything okay?” There was a hesitancy to Tanner’s question that told her he felt the chill she was sending his way.

“The food will be prepared and served as you requested.” She couldn’t help the stiffness in her voice. Hadn’t she come through often enough for Tanner that he should know better than to question her? Why didn’t he trust her?

As you trust him?

“Just checking.” His slow, lazy smile reappeared for an instant, then dissolved when she didn’t return it. “I’ll leave you to it, then. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Uh-huh.” Sophie watched him go. If only... “Tanner?”

“Yes?” His green eyes lit up and his whole body language showed expectancy. Of what? Did he think she’d change her mind?

“Tige?” The light in his eyes died.

“Haven’t heard from him.” He clamped his Stetson on his head and walked to the door. “See you later.”

Not if she could avoid it, Sophie thought, watching him stride across the yard with a longing she couldn’t suppress.
Why did You let me love him, God?
her heart wept.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and H
e
will direct your paths.

Trust. It always came down to that. And, as usual, she couldn’t do that. Couldn’t trust Tanner. Couldn’t trust God.

I’m scared to
, she admitted silently.
Help me?

“Sophie?” Monica studied her with a perplexed look. “I asked if you wanted Tiffany and me to start buttering buns.”

“Yes, please,” Sophie said in an effort to pretend everything was normal, which it so was not. Nothing had been normal since the day she’d met Tanner. And probably wouldn’t be again unless she could get rid of this overpowering love for him. “I’m glad you’re here early, girls. It’s going to be a busy day. Happy Fourth of July.”

Now get to work, Sophie, and forget Tanner Johns.

* * *

“Nice work with the decor, Moses.” Tanner admired the array of banners and flags that decorated the ranch. “Wranglers is looking mighty festive.”

“Thanks.” The old man didn’t look at him as he dug a stone out of Abishag’s shoe. “We’ve got two lame horses but the others are good to go.”

“We’re going to need every one. The place is crawling with kids just waiting to get on a horse. Where’s Lefty?” Tanner asked after he’d found nothing among their tack that needed repair.

“He and Bo took some beginners out for a short trial ride to test their skills. They’ll be back in five.” Moses’s frown told Tanner he had something on his mind. “I been praying about those boys, Trent and the other one.”

“Rod,” Tanner supplied. “Why? Something wrong?”

“Don’t rightly know,” Moses admitted, scratching his head. “They seemed real worried when they were here yesterday. The bigger kid had a mess of bruises on his arm.”

Tanner forced down a rush of anger. “It happens” was all he said.

“Yeah. Too often.” Moses frowned. “They said they needed to tell you something but you were on that ride and they couldn’t wait.”

“I’ll talk to them today, if they show up,” Tanner promised.

“You talk to Sophie?” Moses lifted one bushy brow when Tanner frowned at him.

“About what?”

“Dunno,” the old man said somberly. “Just seems to me you two got some sorting out to do like maybe that girl you walked out on before you came here.” Moses patted Abishag’s side. “The one who was going to have your baby?”

Tanner gaped. “You knew?”

“’Course.” Moses nodded. “Burt told me.”

“Burt?” His face burned with shame. “I never told him about Amy or the baby.”

“Didn’t need to. Burt had a way of findin’ things out.” Moses smiled. “Smart old coot, that man. Kinda like me.” He wheezed a laugh at Tanner’s surprised face. “Burt an’ me only look gullible, son.”

“Yes, but—” Tanner couldn’t get it to sink in. “Burt knew everything?”

“Pretty much. He found the girl, gave her some money and kept sending more every month after her new boyfriend dumped her.” Moses stared off into the distance. “Even paid for a grave and a marker when your baby died so as you’d be able to mourn proper. Guess he forgot to tell you that part, but ol’ Burt sure did love you, Tanner.”

The private investigator he’d hired had said nothing about a grave. “I wish Burt had told me,” he muttered.

“Reckon he was waiting for you to speak first.” Moses slapped on his hat. “Wouldn’t have made any difference anyway, would it?”

“Yes.” Tanner unclenched his tense. “If I’d known where Amy was I might have apologized to her, tried to make it up to her or something.” He met Moses’s stare. “I should never have let her go like that knowing she was pregnant with my child.”

“No,” Moses agreed. “That wasn’t right. I’m guessing your lady knows?” He lifted one of his bushy brows.

Tanner nodded and explained about the investigator he’d hired.

“Somehow he got hold a copy of the baby’s ultrasound from the hospital. I dropped it and Sophie found it. I had to tell her the truth when she asked,” he muttered, embarrassed and yet relieved to tell Moses. “After hearing that, Sophie changed. She thinks she can’t trust me, that I’d leave her and the kids vulnerable.”

“Would you?” Moses studied Tanner with narrowed eyes.

“Never. I love Sophie. This past month has been agony. To see her yet feel that icy barrier between us—” Tanner squeezed his eyes closed against the pain. “She avoids me, makes excuses not to come here or sneaks away when I am.”

“I know,” Moses said. “Her boy told me she’s not happy.”

“Maybe that’s why I can’t make more headway with my plans for Wranglers. Maybe God can’t use somebody who’s messed up as much as I have.” He stared at his dusty boots. “I always wanted a family, you know that. But that’s not going to happen because I’ve made too many mistakes. I probably wouldn’t make a good father anyway.”

“Hogwash! Burt wouldn’t have let it pass so neither will I,” Moses chided. “God forgives. That’s the very basis of our faith. We’re human. We mess up. And God forgives.”

“Yes.” Tanner thought it through, then nodded. “But even so, I’m not doing what Burt wanted with this place. He had a heart for street kids and we haven’t focused on only them. I can’t make Wranglers into the kind of camp he envisioned.”

“Burt was the best friend I ever had but he wasn’t God. You gotta focus on figuring out what
God
wants you to do,” Moses insisted. “Burt would have told you that God’s your boss so you do what He’s telling you to do.”

“I’m not sure I know how,” he admitted.

“You do, boy.” Moses sounded just as stubborn as he had the day Tanner said he couldn’t learn to ride. “The good Lord gave you talents to do what He needs done.”

“We’re back to that verse again, huh?” Tanner sighed. “The ‘fan your gift into flame’ one? But I don’t have a gift, Moses. I’m just a plain ordinary cowboy.”

“Ain’t no such thing, son,” Moses said in a dry mocking tone. “But you surely have been gifted.”

“With what?” Tanner demanded. “And how do you and Sophie know when I don’t?”

“Always thought she was a smart lady.” Moses slapped him on the shoulder. “Don’t you get it? You have the gift of leadership. Burt watched how the hands just naturally turned to you. They saw you as their leader when he wasn’t there. After Burt died they knew they could count on you to keep the place rolling, to keep their jobs. You have a knack for getting folks to work together and that helps them give their best. Never knew anybody as good at getting folks to pitch in. Folks like that nice lady and her kids.”