The Red Fox: A Romance (5 page)

It was his aunt who offered to take him in for six months. Jacksonville was a small town, it had a smaller school, and he had hoped that also meant it had a smaller pool of bullies.

Day Two and the shit had already hit the fan. He put his spoon down. Rick was right, the cafeteria food was awful.

“
Nothing happened,” he said. “We just went for a walk, that's all.”

“
It doesn't matter what really happened, it's what everyone
thinks
happened that you should be worried about. Berkley's little birds have been telling him tales all morning. He's after you.” Rick shook his head and exhaled loudly. “I told you to leave her alone.”

Jay stared down at the worst looking minestrone soup he'd ever seen. He could cry. God, it wasn't fair. He just wanted to do his art, to keep to himself, and finish school without living in fear.

“
Nothing
happened,
”
he said under his breath in frustration.

Rick drew a little closer to Jay and whispered, “Come one man, we all
know
what she's like.”

“
What does that mean?”

“
She's easy, that's all. There's only one reason she brings guys into the woods.
Everyone
knows that. She's got a past that's dirtier than a pig in mud.”

Jay shook her head. “You don't know her. No one here knows her.”

“
And you do?”

“
I know she has something in her that's beautiful. I felt it the first moment I saw her. I felt it the whole time I was with her.” He shook his head, “But this whole damn town is trying to make her wear an identity that's not hers.”

“
Listen man, it's not just Leaf, it's her whole family; they've had the same reputation for
generations
. Understand? You can't change that.”

Jay shook his head. “But I don't have to believe it, either—and I
don't
believe it.”

Rick grabbed Jay and pulled him closer to him, and whispered. “Listen, I'm trying to help you out. Leave her alone, and when you see Berkley, run. You understand me?
Run
.”

While Jay and Rick were talking, Berkley walked into the cafeteria. He scanned the room until he spotted the New Guy. He kept his eye on him as he lined up to get his food. Jay didn't notice Berkley. He seemed to be engrossed in a conversation with the nerdy School Captain.

Taking his tray, he made his way over to Jay's table. When he was about two tables away he watched as Jay stood up and began to walk for the exit.

“
Hey, New Guy,” Berkley called out. Jay turned. “I want to talk with you. Sit back down.”

Rick had his back to Berkley and was staring at Jay. He mouthed the words
'run'.

He didn't want to run. But he couldn't stay. He knew what would happen if he did; it would only result in him being humiliated. Fear gripped his heart. He stood there frozen, unable to move either way.

“
I said, sit down!” Berkley slammed his fist on the table next to him. The whole cafeteria was now paying attention.

Fear. It coursed through his veins like poison. He had experienced this scene in his last school, and he knew how it ended if he let Berkley have his way. No, not again. He turned and ran for the exit.

Berkley threw a piece of bread into his mouth, and chewed proudly. He looked into the corner of the cafeteria where Leaf was sitting on her own. He stood up and waltzed over to her.

“
New Guy isn't much of a man, now is he? Too scared to even have a simple conversation with me.”

“
Get lost,” she said without looking up.

He sat down, ignoring what she just said. He leaned closer, “Now we're even, huh?”

Now she looked up. “What are you talking about?”

“
My little fling with Lucy in the ladies toilets, your little fling with New Guy in the woods,” he whispered, “I'd say that makes us even, and we can get back to business between us.”

She looked at him with disgust. “Nothing happened in the woods,
Peewee
.”

Berkley's eyes widened. He looked almost scared for a split second. He leaned in closer to her, “Hey, keep your voice down,” he quickly scanned the room to make sure no one had heard her, “Let's talk about this like grown ups.”

She stood up and threw her napkin in his face, “You're a boy, a
little
boy.”

“
Better than being a coward—like New Guy.”

“
He's more of a man than you'll ever be.”

Berkley shot her a wicked grin. “I thought you said nothing happened in the woods, princess. Lying again, are we?”

She shook her head, then leaned down and grabbed his shirt, and said, “It's precisely
because
nothing happened that makes him a man. Something you'll never understand. You don't have your brains in the right place to understand it.”

She turned and walked out of the cafeteria.

Berkley leaned back on his chair. He looked around at the table next to him and grinned.

“
Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen,” he said. He gave a few of the jocks sitting there a wink. “Just playing the game.”

Leaf walked outside. She needed a smoke. She didn't smoke much, just when she was especially pissed off. She walked down to the maintenance building and slid behind it, through the gap. When she got through and turned around she saw that someone else had already had the same idea.

Jay was sitting there, a cigarette in his mouth and his sketch book on his lap.

“
What are you drawing,” she asked. He looked up.

“
Nothing really—still waiting for inspiration.”

“
You're an artist?” she asked. He nodded.

He continued doodling on his page. He didn't look up when he said, “It took me an hour to find my way out of the woods yesterday.”

She pulled out a cigarette and put it in her mouth.

“
We've all got problems to deal with—got a light?”

Now he looked up. He pulled out a lighter from his pocket. She walked over, leaned in front of him and let him light her cigarette.

“
Why'd you run away from Berkley?”

“
Because I'm a coward.”

“
That's not true.”

He threw his cigarette to the side. “Yes, it
is,
”
he insisted.

“
You're a better man than he is,” she replied. “You shouldn't be afraid of him.”

He shook his head. “My whole life, I've had someone like him breathing down my neck, making my life miserable. I don't want to be a victim anymore. I don't want to sit there and let him pour my lunch over my head, or force me to slap myself in the face, or pin me to the floor until I beg for mercy. I'd rather run. To hell with him.”

She wondered if he was as mad at her as he was at Berkley. He should be, she thought. She had used him yesterday to get back at her ex-boyfriend. She'd left him alone in the woods alone without knowing how to get out. She had made him the center of attention for all the wrong reasons. She shook her head in shame. One more thing to add to her list of wickednesses.

“
Do you want me to leave?” she asked.

“
No,” he replied. He didn't look up, he just pointed. “I want you to sit over there and let me draw you.”

“
What?”

“
I want to draw you. I want to show you how I see you.”

“
I know what I look like. I have a mirror I look at every day.”

He looked up. “But you don't know what you look like on the inside. I want to show you.”

“
And you know, do you?”

He looked back down at his sketch book, and said, “Yes, I do. Now sit.”

“
Forget it.” She turned and headed back to the gap she had came in from. She was half way through when she heard Jay speaking behind her.

“
You think everyone sees you the same way, but you don't know how
I
see you. Give me ten minutes and I'll show you.”

She turned back to him. “You don't even know me.”

“
But I know what I
see
inside you. I know how you make me feel. I know more than all the fools in this town. Go,” he pointed to a tree stump.“Sit.”

She did as he asked.

“
Do you want me to pose?”

“
No, I want you to relax. I want you to be exactly who you normally are.”

“
Who am I, normally?” she asked.

“
You tell me,” he replied, already starting on his sketch. “This time, lets keep our clothes on and just talk, OK?”

“
A man asking me to keep my clothes
on,”
she replied. “Now that's a first.”

She sat for ten minutes while he sketched away. She wasn't even sure why she was letting him draw her. She didn't want a picture of herself. She had to look at her sad eyes in the mirror each morning. She didn't want another reminder of herself. She was trying to get away from herself, from her life. But she did leave him stranded in the woods yesterday, and in hindsight she could see how that was really a mean thing to do, but what he did was just so unexpected. He could have so easily slept with her, but he didn't. He could have had her body, but he wanted more, he wanted to know what was in her heart. She had battled all night with what had happened. Half her heart was telling her he was different from all the rest, the other half telling her he was just playing games like all the rest, just like all the other guys that had passed through her life.

She was torn, not knowing what to do or say to him. She was still keeping her internal defenses high, but she let him draw her. It was the least she could do. Then they'd be even, she told herself.

“
OK, you can take a look now,” Jay said.

She stood up and sat next to him. He passed her his sketch book. As she looked at her portrait she felt an overwhelming urge to cry. In his portrait she was more than beautiful, she looked truly happy. The beauty was also different. It wasn't the kind of beauty she saw in the mirror. She knew she was good looking, but she didn't see herself as beautiful, not like how she looked in the sketch. She had never seen purity in her face before, but she saw it now. It was incredible.

“
Where did the smile come from? I wasn't smiling the whole time,” she asked.

“
I told you I wanted to show you what I see inside you.”

“
You think I'm smiling on the inside?”

“
Yes, I think you are.”

“
But I feel so sad,” she said honestly. “I think I'm crying on the inside.”

“
But you're not,” he said. “It's what you
believe
that makes you sad, and what you believe is not the truth. You believe you are what everyone else tells you. You think you're not worthy of a better life, worthy of respect. But that's not who you are. It's just what others have labeled you.” He looked into her eyes, “Do you know who you are—who
you
are?”

She stared at the picture. “I did. When I was younger. A long time ago. But it was a
long
time ago.” She turned to him. “Why do you see me this way,” pointing to the picture. “I look so happy, so free. My eyes are alive; my whole appearance so pure.”

“
Because, I'm able to see inside people,” he replied.

“
Oh, you have magical powers too?” she asked. Her Nanna's stories rushed back into her mind.

“
No, there's nothing magical about it,” Jay said. “It's just about honesty. I've battled against becoming what others have expected of me most of my life, too. For different reasons than yours, but the fight not to give in to the pressure of others is just the same.”

He lit another two cigarettes and handed her one of them.

“
I want to discover myself, that's all I really want out of life. I want to
know
myself—not just try and be who people tell me I am, or what I should be. I don't want to give up my true self and just blend into the crowd. I'm fighting to know who I am, even when it isn't what others want me to be.”

He pointed to his sketch book. “My dad is a lawyer, and my mom a doctor. They want me to be like them. I could be like them, too. I'm smart enough, but it's not who I am. I'm an artist. I want to live
my
life, not the life others want for me.”