The Red Fox: A Romance (7 page)

“
You're going to have to be clearer than that, Picasso. You're making about as much sense as a poet in a blender at the moment,” Rick said.

Jay pointed to his chest.

“
There's something in me I don't understand. Something I'm looking for but can't find. Something about who I am I can't figure out on my own. I've tried. I'm still trying, but there's always been something in my way. When I'm with her, I feel it. The part of me that's a mystery. I feel it moving. I feel it calling out to me. I can't walk away from her. I need her. She's the key to unlocking this hidden part of me, the part I've been seeking all my life.”

Rick blew his hair out of his face. “You're deep, man.” When he turned and glanced down the hallway, his smile fell off his face. “Deep in the shitter, too. Here comes Berkley.”

“
Hey, New Guy,” Berkley called out.

Jay turned and stared at him. Berkley had stopped about ten feet away from him. He pointed to his feet.

“
Come here. I got something I want to talk to you about.”

“
Get out of here,” Rick whispered. “
Now!
”

Jay turned to run, and run he did . . . straight into Brick, who was standing there with his big goofy face beaming down at him.

He felt fear start to shake his insides. His stomach cramped up and he realized he couldn't run. He was trapped.

Right at that moment, Leaf walked into the empty space between them. All the students standing nearby formed a circle around them.

“
What's going on here?” Her question was directed at Berkley.

“
We're just talking, like
men
, aren't we, New Guy?”

“
Berkley, is this about the Ball?” she asked.

He smiled at her, then looked back to Jay with anger in his eyes. “That's exactly what we're talking about.”

“
Leave him alone!”

“
Is he a man or a mouse?” Berkley snapped back. “I do believe you told me he was a
man,”
he shot daggers at Jay with his eyes
, “
So, let him be a man! Or does he need a woman to protect him?”

Leaf turned and looked at Jay in silence. She nodded at him ever so gently, speaking without words, telling him that he could handle Berkley. She took a few steps back, leaving the two to settle things on their own.

“
Now, as things currently stand, Leaf was meant to be going to the Ball with me, but this morning, low and behold, she changed her mind.” He turned to Leaf, “Didn't you, princess?”

Leaf didn't answer, she didn't need to.

“
Now,” he said, “Why don't you tell us all why you don't want to go to the ball with Berkley.” Whenever he was particularly impressed with himself, which was quite often, he liked to refer to himself in the third person. He thought made him sound like a legend. No kidding, he really did.

Leaf pointed to Jay, “I said I want to go to the Ball with
him
,” she turned and looked straight at Jay, “if he'll ask me.”

“
If
he'll ask you,” Berkley repeated. “Well, let me tell New Guy what will happen if he turns up to the Ball with you.” He nodded at Brick who then grabbed Jay and dragged him over to Berkley. He grabbed Jay by the shirt and pulled him up on his tippy toes, “If you ask her to the Ball, I'll
crush
you. I'll make your life
hell
in Jacksonville, got it?”

He lifted Jay completely off the floor and threw him backwards, sending him sliding along the hallway. Jay scurried to his feet. His heart was racing, and he found it hard to breathe. All eyes were on him, waiting for him to make a move.

He turned away from Berkley and pushed through the crowd. He didn't answer. He didn't try to do anything except run. His heart was racing and the anxiety he had hoped he had left in New York wrapped its arms around his neck once more, choking him. He had to get away.

He ran without a word and without looking back.

Berkley looked at the surrounding crowd like a rooster, cocky and puffed up.

“
Last chance,” he said to Leaf. “Do you still want to go to the Ball with me?”

She gave him the finger before running off in the same direction Jay went, knowing where he would be.

As she ran off Lucy raced up to Berkley. She thought everything her idol did was awesome, and she was greatly turned on by his macho performance. “That was incredible,” she said. “You really showed him who's King around here!”

He just smiled. It was true, after all.

She leaned closer to him. “Meet me in the janitor’s room in five minutes, you wild man.”

Berkley grinned. He watched the Lucy walk off, and wondered why she hadn't already ripped his clothes off. After a few minutes he made his way to the Janitor’s room for another make out session.
Maybe more?
he thought. But in this game, he wasn't the All Star in control of the play. In this game, the Terminator was the spider; he was only the fly stuck in her web.

Leaf squeezed through the gap and found Jay just where she expected.

“
Skipping class I see,” she said. “Me, too.”

He had his sketch book out already. It was in his art he found the good part of himself once again. The part he understood and enjoyed.

“
I can't take you to the Ball.”

“
You don't want to go with me?”

He didn't look up as he answered, “I don't want my life to be horrible for the next six months.”

She replied, “Berkley is all talk.”

Jay closed his sketch book and looked up at Leaf.

“
You don't understand. I've been bullied all my life. I can't just change the damage that has done to me. I'm afraid. I can't stop this fear from clawing at me. I'm a coward, but I can't help it.”

“
You—,” she said, “are not a victim.” She took another step closer, “You are not to blame.” She was now right in front of him, “And you are not what your past has forced on you.”

He looked up at her. “You think that about me?”

“
No,” she replied. “That's what I think about myself,
because
of you.”

Jay now stood up and listened, giving her his full attention.

“
That's what I thought to myself last night, as I lay in bed.” Leaf said. “I held the portrait you drew of me in my hands, and I thought of how you made me feel yesterday. It was the first time anyone besides my Nanna made me feel that special. I forgot how it felt to know someone saw more than just my exterior. I had forgotten what it felt like to have someone believe in me, believe in my inner beauty.”

Jay looked up and felt his anxiety begin to fade away. “I meant every word.”

“
Your words have started to change me, to soften me, to strengthen me,” she said.

Jay smiled.

“
But tell me,” she said, “what's the difference between my past and yours? I've been branded a slut, you've been branded a coward, but what's the difference? We've both been beaten and abused, so what's different? Why do you believe my past shouldn't dictate my future, but you continue to let yours keep you imprisoned?”

Jay looked away. He didn't have an answer. He hadn't even seen the similarities between them before. He knew, deep in his heart, that she was greater than her past, but what about his own past? Was he also greater than the coward he saw himself as?

He saw her inner beauty, it was crystal clear, but there was still a part of his own soul that was dark and locked up, where he held his shame, his fear. He couldn't unlock that cell, he couldn't free himself from his fear.

The thoughts aroused his oldest fears again. They didn't want him to overcome them. No, his fears wanted to remain powerful within him, and they began to stir up his anxiety once again. He felt it choking him once more. He felt the shame of being a coward pulling his stomach apart.

He stood up and ran to the exit. As he pushed himself through the gap, he said, “I can't—I'm sorry, I can't ask you to the Ball. You'll have to go with someone else.” And with that, he darted off the school property. He needed to get away. To let his fears subside. He was so ashamed he ran away without looking back. His anxiety had consumed his mind to the point that he didn't even notice that he had left his sketch book behind.

Leaf stood alone. She picked up his sketch book and began to flick through the pages.

Day Four.
Jay didn't want to get out of bed, but his aunt insisted. It was only his first week at his new school and she wasn't going to let him skip school for no good reason. Since Jay didn't want to tell her his good reason, he conceded to her demand.

When he walked up the school stairs, Leaf was waiting for him. She had his sketch book in her hand. She held it out for him to take.

“
You haven't just drawn me. You've drawn others, too.”

“
Yeah,” he said. “I don't really do much else in class except draw.”

“
They're beautiful. Every one of them.”

“
Thanks,”

“
Did you also see the inner beauty in these other students, too? Is that why you drew them?”

Jay nodded his head as he took the sketch book.

“
You should show them. Let them see what you see in them, just like you've shown me. You have a gift. You can see the inner beauty others are blind to.”

“
I just try to see the masterpiece in people.” He smiled at her. “For some reason, it's not as easy when you're trying to see it in yourself.”

She smiled back as the bell rang for the first class.

“
I've to to go.” She grabbed his hand. It was soft, electric. “Will you draw me again, today?”

He would. He had to. No matter how afraid he was, he wouldn't let her go. They still needed time together, time to talk, to get to know one another; time to figure out why the first time their eyes locked had meant so much to them.

He nodded. “Will you share your heart with me?”

She smiled and nodded back. As she walked to her first class she thought about his request, and wasn't sure if she could truly do that. To open up her heart, after spending her whole life defending it, was the hardest thing she could imagine.

Jay and Leaf met again at lunchtime. While he sketched her, she listened to some of his stories. According to their deal she was the one meant to be talking, but she managed to keep flipping the conversation to be about him. He told her about his life in New York, about his old friends and the trouble they got into when they were kids. He talked about the holidays he had been on.

She listened, and asked questions, and continued to avoid speaking about her own life. She had always guarded herself with such determination that she never talked about her personal life with others. He asked a few questions, but she would only give short, general answers.

“
Why did you start dating Berkley, anyway?”

“
Because he asked me,” she replied.

“
That easy?”

She tilted her head and grinned. “According to my reputation, yes.”

“
I didn't mean it like that,” Jay said. She knew he didn't mean it that way.

“
Well, let's see. At first I thought he just wanted to get in my pants and then move on, but, unfortunately, the Neanderthal decided to stick around. He was also nice to me, for a little while anyway. It was all an act of course, but at the time I was all right with going along with it. I even tried to believe it for a while. Then I caught him in the ladies toilets with Lucy and everything fell apart.”

Jay laughed, “With the Terminator?”

“
Yep.”

“
So why is he still chasing after you? Do you think he loves you?”

Leaf laughed. “Berkley loves
Berkley
. I'm just a bit of candy he wants another mouthful of. I don't want anything more to do with that little man.”

Jay stopped drawing for a moment and said, “Yesterday, he picked me clear off the ground and threw me down the hallway. He may be stupid, but I wouldn't call him little.”

Leaf smiled. She shook her head and grinned at Jay, “You know, Berkley had a big head, and big biceps, and a big ego, but trust me,” she held up her left hand and began to wiggle her pinky, “not everything about him is big.”

Jay raised his eyebrows and then diverted his eyes. They both burst into laughter again.

He changed the subject and asked her about her mother, but she just gave a vague answer and then threw the same question back to him. He began to share about his mother, about the hospital she worked in and the different hobbies she had.