The Search for Ball Zero (8 page)

Her apartment was a wreck, an entire wall
between her place and the neighbors was smashed and crumbled. They
could see into each other’s apartment. The neighbors were sitting
on the couch, watching the news. The fridge had fallen over and
there was a small puddle of blood half under it. That must’ve been
where Garfield was. Fozzie went up and sniffed him, he sniffed her
back, all previous rivalries gone.

“
Ohh my God, what do we
do?”, L pleaded.

The Vet went through Tony’s head, doubt
it.

Perry came bursting through the door. “Shit!
Is his ok?”

L was crying, “No. Look at his legs!”

Perry saw his legs, “Ohh fuck!” He tried to
stop it from coming out, but he

didn’t.

“
Foz made it. How is your
place?” Perry said.

“
Not as bad as this, just
one big hole.” Garfield gurgled.

“
Fuu, uuu, uuuck!”, L let
out. “He’s still alive, what do I do?”

Perry looked over at Tony and whispered,
“Put him out of his misery?” And then made a gesture of smashing
his head with a rock. He had a knack for being nonemotional and
getting right to the root of the problem, even if it was rude
sounding.

L looked up and saw this,”What? Smash his
head? Fuck you!”

“
He’s in misery. It would
save him some pain and agony.”

L kept crying and looking at her mangled
best friend. After a few moments she

said, “Guys, get out.” then after a short
pause with more authority,”Get out! Leave me alone.”

Perry made a break for the door, an easy
escape. Tony went up to L,”Are you ok? What’s up?”

“
Just leave Tony. We can’t
fix him, right? He basically dead. Leave me alone

with my cat. I’ll meet you guys at your
house later.”

“
Are you sure? We can try
a vet?”

She looked at him, her face saying “Do you
think I’m stupid?”

“
Ok, we’ll be at my place.
Call or yell if you need anything. I love you L”, That might’ve
been the first time Tony said that.

“
I love you
too.”

He gave her a kiss on the head and took off,
Fozzie bringing up the caboose.

When Tony got home, Perry was already there,
on his couch, hitting his 4 foot

bong. Perry looked down at the still smoking
ball in his living room. “What da fuck is dat thing?” He sputtered,
trying to hold in a hit.

“
It’s my new bean bag, you
should try it out.” Tony joked.

Perry laughed, thought about it, then ran
over and tried to jump into the debris

like sitting on a bean bag. He hit it and
they both rolled, Perry’s legs went out from underneath him and he
ate it on his ass pretty hard. Fozzie and Tony laughed at him.

Perry was holding his butt in pain, Tony
looked over at the debris and noticed

some color under the black crusty burnt
shell. He peeled back some of the crust and the words “Rainbow”
became visible. It was a package of some sort, and it was very
colorful. Now they had to know. Tony pushed on the burnt crust to
move it away and right after the word “Rainbow” was the world
“Dildo”.

“
RAINBOW DILDOS!”, Perry
came running like it was Christmas. And like a little kid on
Christmas, became ripping open the wrapping. It was a big box of
rainbow dildos. He grabbed one and held it up in the air shaking
it, they were actually colored like a rainbow.

“
Rainbow dildos for
everyone! Thanks warstore fight!” Then he picked up a half burnt
one and became sad for it. “Ahhh poor burnt dildo, Fozzie you want
this one?” He threw it in her direction and it landed in front of
her face. She noticed it, almost became interested, almost bit it,
but then turned away and laid her head down. She knew what Perry
was up to.

“
Ohh my God, did you see
that, she almost bit it!”, he roared with laughter,

“
You’re pretty happy for
someone whose city was just destroyed by a warstore.”

“
My apartment is fine.
There’s a big ass hole in the wall, but those fucks are
so

high they barely noticed it.” He
continued,”That warstore shit is crazy, and thousands of people
died. Honestly though, I’m pretty sure the world is better off
without those people.”

“
Who are
those
people?”

“
Anyone who lines up to go
shopping at a warstore. Anyone who sees their best

friend get splattered by a warstore and
still wants to go in. Those people are worthless idiots. There’s
too many people on this planet anyways.”

“
I probably agree with
most of what you’re saying.”

“
We need a good war or
disease we can’t conquer. We’re too powerful and there’s too many
of us. If Earth was a game, it’d need a patch cuz humans are OP.
People would be trolling that dev hard.” Perry said, “I kind of
want to try an IC though.”

“
I do too, but you can’t
un-try it, is what I hear”

“
And it seems people who
have ICs are the masses, maybe it turns you into

that? The type of people that think a
warstore is a fun place to shop even though it will kill you.
People who want to buy these things” Perry said, shaking a rainbow
dildo.

“
This whole city is filled
with those people. Shit, this whole country is, and

fuck, the world is too.”

“
Fuck the world.” Perry
repeated selected words he liked.

“
Where is there to go?
Antarctica? The Netherlands?”

Perry’s eyes perked up at a mention of The
Netherlands. It used to be on his

bucket list, until they neutered it and it
was no longer the land of Red Light District drugs and hookers. His
eyes blew off the idea of The Netherlands, and he nonchalantly
said, “Off the grid.”

“
Like run off into the
forest and eat berries and worms?”

His eye’s perked up again, “Yea, lets do
it.”

“
Whaaaat?”

“
Let’s get a few packs
worth of shit and go build utopia in the forest.” He was

kind of kidding. “There’s hundreds of miles
of forest North of here.”

Perry and Tony liked to go camping and did
many times. When a lot of their friends were going to Cancun or
Lake Havasu for spring break, they’d take mushrooms and go camping
for a bunch of days. A few times they would only take fishing
poles, no food and live off fish only. They actually had been off
the grid for about a week at a time. It was possible.

Perry went on, “Seriously, what are we gonna
do here? Wait for the next

warstore battle to fully destroy our places,
or to maybe die watching a bunch of idiots go shopping.”

“
What, are you gonna live
without weed?”

“
I’ll bring some, and grow
some!”

“
And what about Taco Bell?
I know you need your Taco Bell?”

“
Fuck Taco Bell!” He
started to rant,”I can fish that river till the day I die.
Me,

you and Fozzie can catch rodents and birds
and shit.” Fozzie looked up at him, to tired to care.

“
We’ll take L and Missy
and start a new society.”

“
I’m sure they’d love the
idea.”

“
What idea will I love?” L
said as she stuck her head through the new hole in Tony’s apartment
and began to limbo her way though.

Perry took the bait and ran with it,
“Dildos! We’re going to make millions selling rainbow dildos!”

She wasn’t happy, but the sight of hundreds
of rainbow dildos did make her smile a bit. She walked over, jumped
on the couch and curled up next to Tony. “He’s gone.”

“
Garfield?”

“
Yea.”

“
What happened?” Perry was
interested.

“
I took care of
it.”

Perry and Tony looked at each other, not
sure what to say or think. They didn’t say anything.

Perry scooted the issue,”I say we blow this
popsicle stand of a city and go hang

out in the woods for a few years.”

Tony looked at L, thinking she’d shoot down
his wild thought quickly. “Sounds good to me. Fuck these IC
infested, Ad idiots. warstore loving morons who’d kill and/or die
to buy the newest smart watch.” She stood up, and kicked the
package of rainbow dildos, shaking a few loose. “This is what we
get, a bunch of rainbow dildos, fucked up apartments, dead
cats.”

She was actually on board. Tony tried to be
the voice of reason, “You guys are

talking about leaving society? Toilets, the
internet, candy, drugs, concerts, video games, pinball?” Then he
looked at Perry, “Porn?”

Perry pulled out his phone, “Solar powered
phone charger. I got the internet, porn and games covered.”

L chimed in,”You probably wipe your ass with
that phone too, so you got toilet paper covered too.” She reached
out in a give-me-the-bong motion. Perry obliged. Just before she
took a hit she nodded towards Perry,”I like his idea, for once.”
And she took a bigger rip than I’ve ever seen her take. She had a
different look in her eye.

“
Have you asked Missy
about it?” L asked.

“
No, Tony just had this
brilliant idea.” Perry said.

L looked at Tony surprised, “This was
your
idea?”

Tony just rolled his eyes and shook my head.
“Nope, his” and he pelted Perry with a rainbow dildo.

“
I’ll text her and tell
her we’re doing it right now.” L said and started tapping on her
phone. They were both high, but they’ve both been high before, Tony
thought. How was Tony the only one that didn’t want to “leave
society”.

“
She’s in.” L
said.

Perry was laying on his back, holding a
rainbow dildo above his mouth, shaking

it, slowly moving it towards his mouth.
“Niiice.” He said right before the dildo penetrated his mouth.

“
Fozzie let’s go” Perry
said enthusiastically. He knew that tone of voice would

get her excited. Fozzie jumped up and ran
over to her leash, wagging her tail. “See, she wants to go
too.”

“
We can’t just run off.”
Tony said.

“
We’ll make a list of
things we need, I’ll take the guys to the old Walmart, if Juicy has
any of those fake credit cards we’ll use those. Or we’ll just rob
the shit outta the place.” Perry said.

“
We’re not bringing Juicy.
And Eric and Juicy are attached at the hip.”

“
I know, but they would
love to help in any sort of criminal endeavor. We’ll do

it tonight, and we’ll leave tomorrow to form
utopia.”

“
That sounds like a
fucking rad plan, Perry. Do eeet!” L playfully said

surprisingly. “We’ll need…” L started the
list of things they needed. Perry started typing a list on his
phone. The both of them were so into it, but they forgot a few
things, so Tony reminded them and all of a sudden he was part of
this. He still wasn’t sure if it was just one of Perry’s hair
brained schemes that he would forget about tomorrow, or if they
were serious.

Perry went home later with a crime spree in
his mind.

“
What’s up
motherfuckers!?” He burst into his apartment with the new
sky

light, created by the warstore. “I got a
plan to rob the old shitty Walmart, you guys in?”

“
Fuck yea!” Juicy said
enthusiastically and without any thought, from his lazy boy-like
chair. Then the afterthought, “Um, why?”

“
I need some camping
equipment.” Perry replied nonchalantly. Then he made his way over
to the couch where Eric was always sleeping, like “The Guy” in
Half

Baked, and yelled in his ear “Wake up Eric!
It’s the cops!”

Eric flailed wildly for a second and quickly
surveyed the area with very awake eyes, then punched Perry,
“Asshole.” and laid back down.

“
Hey man, I’m moving out.”
Perry explained,”I just wanted to know if you’re down for one more
big score… For old times sake.”

“
What?” Eric started
walking and sitting up,”You can’t move out, you still owe me a
hundred bucks, remember?”

“
Yea man, I’ll pay you.
Don’t worry.”

“
Who’s the mark?” Eric
liked to act like a pro.

“
Not who, what. That old
shitty Walmart.” Perry said, reaching to tough Eric's

afro.

“
Why would you want to rob
an old shitty Walmart?” Eric questioned, dodging Perry's
touch.

Juicy chimed in,”He needs new camping gear.”
They all shared a laugh.

“
Na, seriously. Me n Tony
are going on a long camping trip. L and Missy are coming
too.”

“
When?”

“
Tonight.”

“
Why?”

“
It’s easy, they’re open
all night and we’re leaving tomorrow.” Perry laid out

his epic plans.

Eric shook his head, grabbed the bong and
took a big hit. Then blowing it out long and slowly, “Let’s
rock.”

Juicy laughed and struggled to reach for
something in his pocket, “Did somebody say rock?”, as he pulled out
an 8 ball.

“
Ohh fuck!” A duet of
excited druggies exclamated.

They proceeded to do lines and plot their
robbery, constantly going off on tangents. Then they did more lines
and talked about how Futurama used to be good before it got
cancelled and brought back. Then they did more lines and talked
about nothing. Then they did more lines. Then they drank some
beers. Then they did more lines.