The Storm Before the Calm (21 page)

I nuzzled in, grateful for the closeness in that moment, and more than that, how understanding Max was. I wouldn’t have been that patient if I’d been him. I’d put him through a lot, asking him to keep our relationship a secret and hiding him away from the people I cared about. Guilt stabbed through me. He deserved so much better than a guy who couldn’t even tell him how he felt.

But the thought of him finding someone better broke my heart. I knew it would likely happen. It would likely happen sooner rather than later. Once I was gone, I held no claim over him. He was free to find someone who would love him openly and honestly.

I pulled away far enough to look at him. His gaze met mine, and he smiled.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I do. I’ve treated you badly. You’re wonderful, and you deserve to be loved out in the open, by someone who can introduce you to his mother and who isn’t afraid to tell you how he feels about you.”

“Charlie, it’s okay. This summer, and our relationship, was unexpected. I didn’t expect to walk into that studio and find the guy I would fall head over heels for. I’ve been where you are. I know lots of guys who have. Coming out isn’t something that is done on a whim. In a perfect world, you wouldn’t need to come out at all, and while things are a lot more liberal here, I understand your need for secrecy back home. I told you from the beginning that I wouldn’t push you, and I still won’t. Do I wish things were different? Yeah, maybe some things, but I wouldn’t change a moment of this summer with you. Not for anything.”

“What do you wish was different?” I asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

“I wish you weren’t leaving. I understand your reasons for it, but it’s going to be impossible to let you go. I’ve done my best to try not to think about it up until now, but the end of the summer is getting closer. We have less than a week together, and I feel like we’re living on borrowed time.”

“I don’t want to leave either, but I can’t do that to my mom.”

“It’s okay, Sparky. I get it.” His words said he understood, but his voice sounded defeated.

“Max?”

“Uh-huh?”

“I really do love you.”

The words were barely more than a whisper. But he heard me. He tightened his hold on me, and with one hand, he tilted my face to meet his as he kissed me.

“I love you too,” he said before he kissed me again.

Chapter Twenty-Six

“I
DON
’
T
know if I can do this,” I said, pacing back and forth across Max’s apartment floor. I stuck my head out the window and inhaled the cool night air.

Max chuckled and slapped my ass. “You’re freaking out over nothing. You’re going to be fine. You’re going to rock it. You’re going to have guys lining up after the performance for your number, and I’m going to fight them all off, because you’re mine.”

I laughed, still swamped by the nauseating feeling of the nerves taking over my body, but the mood was lightened by Max’s declaration. If I’d been doing a solo, I think I might have passed out, but he was going to be up there with me. I felt like maybe I would be okay if he were beside me.

“You shouldn’t have told me how many people were going to be there.”

“To be fair,” he argued, “I told you how many people attend OutShine. I have no idea how many people are going to see us dance. Maybe there will only be a handful of people there.”

For whatever reason, that logic didn’t make me feel any better. When he’d originally told me that the year before there had been two hundred thousand people there, I’d nearly lost my lunch. The largest audiences I’d danced for ranged in the upper fifties at the most—not even in the same universe.

“Can we go over it one more time?” I asked.

“We can if you want. You’ve got this, though, Sparky.”

“I think I’d feel better if we could run through it one more time.”

Max looked around. I knew what he was thinking. His apartment was on the small side. Even without the furniture there wouldn’t be enough space for us to practice.

“Maybe we could go to the studio tomorrow morning, really early, and do one more before we head to the festival?”

Max shook his head. “No, I’ve got an idea. Come with me.”

He walked over to his window, stepped through and out onto the fire escape. Then he began to climb the ladder. I followed him up, gripping the cold metal rungs as I climbed. We reached the roof, and Max offered me his hand, helping me over the low wall that ran the circumference of the building. There was a water tank in one corner, and tucked next to it was a table, two chairs, and a few pots of flowers, but other than that it was nothing but wide open space from one side to the other. Pea gravel covered the floor, and it made a crackling noise as I walked across. I stood in the center, turning slowly around.

I’d never seen anything quite as beautiful as the city at night from the rooftop of Max’s apartment. I understood why people called New York the city that never sleeps. It was late, and the city burned bright in the darkness, still full of vivacity even after the rest of the world was asleep.

Max walked over to the table, setting his phone down and scrolling through until he found what he was looking for. I heard the music start, the familiar chords, but they still held the same emotional impact for me. My heart began to beat to the rhythm of the music as Max held out his hand to me, pulling me to him as our dance began.

It felt different this time. The steps were the same, but doing it in the dark altered the mood of the piece. It was closer, more intimate. Our bodies moved together, anticipating one another, stepping in time with the other’s steps. We were one person, gliding together, lit by the glow from the city below.

The music stopped, and I was in Max’s arms, and everything seemed right with the world. When I was with him, it was like everything clicked into place. My whole life made sense. I knew that was a lot of stock to put in someone else, that I should be the engineer of my own happiness, but Max had a way of making me feel like if we were together, nothing bad could ever happen.

I knew that wasn’t the case, and the mere fact that I was less than forty-eight hours away from leaving him illustrated that better than anything else. As much as I loved him, as amazing as the summer with him had been, and as much as I’d grown in his company, I was going to say good-bye, get on that plane, and leave him here.

The music ended, and Max kept hold of me, holding me up as I leaned against him. I needed him.

“You’re ready. Every step is committed to muscle memory. All you have to do is go out there and concentrate on me. Keep your eyes on me. There will be people watching, but when we’re on stage, it’s just you and me.”

“That’s the best part.”

“Are you sure you have to leave?”

His tone was teasing, but the joke fell flat. Those words stabbed me right through the heart. I didn’t speak—anything I might have said caught behind the lump in my throat.

“Please stay. Stay with me.”

I barely heard Max speak, his voice quiet and muffled against my hair.

“I can’t. I wish I could. I’d give anything to stay, but I can’t.”

“I’m gonna miss you so fucking much,” Max said, holding me tighter and nuzzling his face against my shoulder.

“I’m going to miss you too.”

“Maybe we could… we could try to do long distance?” he asked hopefully.

I inhaled, his scent filling my lungs before I answered. “What would be the point?”

He looked at me then, his eyes filled with hurt. I immediately regretted saying it.

“I didn’t mean it like that. Max, I would stay with you forever if you wanted me that long, but I can’t. I told you that from the start. If we tried to make things work with you here and me there, it would only hurt worse when it fell apart. On Monday I’m leaving, and I’m not coming back. The thought of you staying here and me going back to Beacon rips my heart apart. I haven’t wanted to think about it, but that’s the reality of it.”

“But maybe if you talked to your mom—”

“I can’t, Max. I’m sorry. If you want me to go now, I’ll understand,” I said, reluctantly pulling away from him. The night air filled the space between us. It was so cold compared to the warmth of Max’s arms, and I instantaneously felt desolate and alone. It took everything in me not to break down into tears.

“No,” Max said, pulling me back into him. “We still have tonight and tomorrow night before you have to leave. I’m hanging on to you for as long as I get you.”

The relief was intense. I’d never been more comforted in my life. There was still an axe hanging over my head, but I still had almost seventy-two hours with him, and I was going to make the most of it.

“Sparky, you’re shaking. Let’s go inside and get you warmed up.”

I nodded and allowed him to lead me to the edge of the rooftop. He helped me over the barrier wall, and I climbed carefully back down to the grated metal landing outside his window. He followed me through, and once we were back inside the apartment, I was back in his arms.

I was still shaking, but I knew it had nothing to do with the coolness of the New York night. Being next to Max helped me slow my rapidly beating heart and bring my racing thoughts back down to a normal speed. And then he kissed me and I couldn’t think anymore at all.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

W
E
ARRIVED
at the festival two hours before it was set to begin. The streets were already flooded with people of every age, race, and gender. I’d never seen so many. The electricity of the event was contagious, and I couldn’t help but get psyched up being around so many happy people. It was an amazing feeling.

In Madison Square Park, a small stage was set up where we would perform, with space for spectators. Since Max and I were doing our duo and then we were a part of the group numbers as well, several costume changes were required. There were a couple of tents set up for us to use in between numbers.

Max held my hand, drawing me into the crowd. We made our way through the masses of people toward the park.

“This is so incredible,” I said when we’d arrived. The stage was set up facing the street, a large open venue with more than enough space for us to move. The wings were draped in rainbow fabric, and the banner across the top was done in silver sequins that glinted in the morning sunlight.

Andy came springing toward us like a puppy seeing snow for the first time. She came from one of the tents at the back, excitement rolling off her in waves. “Hey, guys!” she shouted, waving even though she’d already gotten our attention.

“Hey, Andy, you excited?”

“Am I! I don’t think I slept last night. This is the biggest performance I’ve ever done. The news was saying this is going to be the biggest OutShine yet. Hey, Charlie, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” I felt a little sick at the realization of how many people were going to be there.

Max leaned into me, speaking low into my ear. “Remember what I said last night. It’s just us. Just you and me.”

I swallowed hard and nodded. Looking around, I saw that only a few people were loitering in the park. Max had been right before. Just because there were a quarter of a million people attending OutShine didn’t mean all of them would be watching me dance. It was stupid to think so. Besides, the park was on the small side, and although there was space for people to watch, the area provided wasn’t what I considered vast.

After Max’s reminder and my internal pep talk, I felt a lot better.

“Are you guys going to the after-party?” Andy asked.

I looked to Max. I hadn’t heard anything about a party, but wherever he was going, that’s where I would be. My mom got in the next day, and then aside from the final performance, I wouldn’t be spending all that much time with him. The thought of it made my heart ache.

“I dunno. It’s up to Charlie,” Max supplied.

I shrugged. “I don’t know much about it.”

“Well, there are lots of after-parties, but the best one is near the pier. There’s a club down there—I can’t remember the name at the moment—they open their doors to people celebrating, and everyone dances and has a great time. They had to turn people away last year because the fire guys showed up and apparently they were over capacity,” Max said.

“Doesn’t it sound amazing?” Andy gushed.

I didn’t think so. In fact, that sounded kind of terrible. I looked back at Max, hoping to convey with my eyes what I was feeling. He gave me a subtle nod before he turned toward Andy.

“It definitely does. We’ll see, though.”

It was vague, but that didn’t seem to bother Andy. She beamed at us happily.

“I guess we should get changed and warmed up,” I said, wanting to get into the right headspace to perform. It usually didn’t take long—a few stretches, a pair of headphones, and my music, and I was set to go.

I
WAS
high with adrenaline as I ran from the stage. Our group contemporary number had been a brilliant success. Every step had been executed flawlessly, and despite the fact that there’d been no dress rehearsal on stage for blocking and spacing, the number had gone off perfectly. It was the best drug on the planet.

Now the ballroom class was up with their piece, and I had less than eight minutes to change and regroup before Max and I had to go on. I hurried into the tent and stripped off my first costume, then pulled the shirt we’d chosen for our duo over my head. The costume was simple, a black tank and black shorts. Since the piece was simple—two men in love, trying to make their relationship work—we didn’t want anything flashy.

Max was ready before I was and handed me my shorts to pull on. Once I was dressed we stepped outside the tent, listening to the music coming from the stage. We had a little under four minutes to go before we were to begin. Max pulled me into a tight hug.

“You’re going to be great,” he said, and then he kissed me. Any residual nerves I’d had fled in that moment. He chased away my anxiety with a brush of his lips. I could still taste him as he pulled away, smiling at me, his eyes shining with some unknown emotion. He took my hand, and together we walked up the rickety steps to the side of the stage, behind the curtains in the wings.