The Survivor (19 page)

Chapter Twenty-Four

“M
attie, Graham has come calling,” her mother called up to her room. “Would you rather not see him? I could tell him to leave.”

“
Nee
, don’t do that. I’ll be right there.”

She scampered down the stairs, then, unable to stop herself, practically leapt into his arms the moment she saw him. “Graham, it’s so good to see you.”

To her relief, his arms curved immediately around her as she clung. “Mattie? Mattie, good heavens! What’s going on?”

Oh, but no one else on earth felt like Graham. The taut muscles of his chest and shoulders felt just right to lean into. His height was the perfect size for her to tuck her face into his neck. And his embrace felt the way it had always been. Warm and solid, comforting but not too firm.

“Mattie?” Graham was soothing her, rubbing between her shoulder blades—right in the area that had been so sore after her surgery. “Mattie, what is wrong?”

After taking comfort in his arms another minute, she stepped away.

Blue eyes met hers as a lump formed in the back of her throat. Should she tell him the truth? Or not?

If she told Graham the truth, it might change the way he thought of her. After all, he had warned her to stay away from William.

But if she didn’t tell him the truth, the lie would always be between them. Even if Graham never guessed the truth, it would be like a cut between them, festering, infecting everything . . .

“Mattie, you can tell me anything, right?” Reaching out, he clasped her hands so they were swinging slightly between them. His grip was easy and sweet.

Slowly, she met his gaze again. When the corners of his eyes crinkled, she saw the unabashed truth there. And that’s when she knew there was only one thing to do.

Mattie gathered her courage and spoke. “William came here.”

Holding her at arm’s length, he gazed at her in confusion. “And?”

“And he kissed me, Graham.”

In a flash, cold hurt filled his gaze. “I see.”

Stepping close to him, she shook her head. “
Nee!
You don’t see. Graham, he kissed me without my wanting. And then . . . he upset me,” she added in a rush. “So I hurt him like you showed me.”

He blinked. “You did what?”

Pulling him into the living room, she stopped in front of the fireplace. “I jabbed him with my knee, Graham,” she said, barely blushing at all. “Your trick worked well.”

It was obvious he was fighting a smile as he sat. “He went down on the floor, hmm?”

She nodded. “He was terribly hurt.”

“Gut.”
Taking her hands, he rubbed his thumbs along her knuckles again. “Did he hurt you?”

She shook her head. “No. He scared me, though.”

“I’ll talk to him, you can be sure of that. Believe me, he’ll be sorry for coming over here.”

“It may not be necessary. My
mamm
talked to him, already.”

“No. He needs to hear from me.” His voice was hard as stone. “What he did wasn’t right. Besides, I told him to leave you alone.”

That caught her off guard. “Why?”

“Because—” His cheeks turning red, he stopped. “Never mind. Now isn’t the time to continue our talk. Now, are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. Well, I mean, I will be soon.” It was then that she noticed he seemed off—a tension emanated from him, making him seem almost like a stranger. Actually, Graham looked as down and out of sorts as she’d ever seen him.

Slowly, she realized that he must have been upset about something when he arrived. “Are you all right?”

“Truly?
Nee.
”

“I see.” Mattie noticed his lips were pursed so tight that a faint sheen of white surrounded them. His body was stiff, too. All he did was stare at the fireplace.

As the flames crackled and her hands and face warmed, Mattie wondered how to help him. Was he waiting for her to say something—just the right thing?

She didn’t know what that was.

Perhaps she should offer him comfort? Maybe she could remind him about that Bible verse from Isaiah? As far as she knew, Graham’s faith had never wavered. Perhaps that would comfort him more than anything she could think to say.

But just as she was about to speak, Graham stretched out his legs and finally looked at her. “I’ve just come from seeing Jenna.”

Unable to stop herself, she winced. And though it made no sense, being her old, familiar friend, jealousy settled inside of her. “Oh?” she asked in what she hoped was a terribly offhand way. And how did you find Jenna?”

“Full of news.” Graham was looking at the flames again, but a bit of humor, dark and ironic, tinged his voice. “I went to her house, full of anger and self-righteousness . . . but when I left, I felt humbled.”

Humbled?
“Graham, what happened? What did she say?”

He turned to her, his beautiful blue eyes full of questions. Making Mattie realize he was only half with her. Part of his mind was back at Jenna’s house, back with their conversation.

Feeling completely confused, Mattie wrapped her arms around herself and waited. Too much had happened today to understand.

Finally Graham spoke again. “Mattie, I have a lot to tell you about our conversation. But suddenly, it doesn’t matter so much anymore. And I’m realizing, too, that I don’t want to think. I’m exhausted. Would you mind if we just sat together for a bit? If we sat together and I held your hand, and we just watched the fire?”

There was only one response she could make. “Of course, Graham. We can sit here as long as you want.” Without another word, she held out her hand.

Chapter Twenty-Five

T
hree days had passed since Graham had come over and she’d told him about William’s kiss. Three days since he had told her he’d talked to Jenna and felt humbled.

Three days since they’d put off yet another important conversation.

And though they hadn’t seen each other—Graham had work and Mattie had been busy with chores around the house—he was never far from her mind.

When he came over today, he’d been full of smiles, much like the Graham she’d known all her life. Easygoing, happy. Relaxed even though the weather outside seemed to get darker and the rain didn’t let up.

But as the minutes passed, Mattie began to realize Graham was still as troubled as he’d been Wednesday night. And still reluctant to share his burdens.

Though the stormy weather outside had her on edge, she doubted the storm warnings were the source of his edginess. They’d never worried him before.

“Graham, don’t you think it’s finally time we talked? Really talked?”

Instead of answering her right away, he clenched his hands.

Fear flew into her chest. Was he still thinking about everything she’d told him? Did he now think badly of her because of what had happened between her and William?

He opened his mouth, looking to be on the verge of speaking, but then closed his mouth again and shook his head. “I’m fine, Mattie. Please don’t worry. I’ve only had a long day.”

But his expression told a different story. His face looked so set in stone, it seemed as if a hard knock would crack his skin. With another person, she might have ignored her concerns. Tried not to be intrusive. But this was Graham. And he deserved her pushing—even if it might prove to be uncomfortable for them both. “I’ve had a long day, too. I spent a good three hours washing walls in our guest bedroom and helping wash comforters and quilts.” She shook her arms out. “My arms feel like they’re about to fall off. Time and again, things happen to remind me that my body still has a mighty long way to go to get back to normal.”

“You shouldn’t try to do so much.”

“I’m not complaining. Just trying to talk to you.” She gave him an encouraging smile. “So . . . what have you been doing? What caused your day to be so long?”

For a moment, she didn’t think he was going to answer. Then, leaning back, he crossed one foot over another knee and swallowed. “I went back to speak with Jenna today.”

Now it was her turn to feel like she was made of stone. Mattie quickly tried to steel herself for his news.

“You said when you talked to her last time you felt humbled. Are things better now?” Really, she was proud of herself for acting so nonchalant.

“Good enough,” he said with a sigh. “Well, I think so.” He shifted again, moving his leg off his other knee, bracing his elbows now on his knees. “I think we got some things ironed out.”

“Such as?”

“Well, I told her she’s going to have to tell everyone who the father is. Or at least, that it’s not me.”

That sounded like the very least Jenna could do! “Do you think she’ll do that?”

He shrugged. “I hope so. She said she would. I guess the man who she, uh, was with . . . is back in her life.”

“This is
wunderbaar!
If she tells everyone the truth, she’ll clear your name and we can go back to how things were.”

“I doubt they ever will be the same. I tell you what. I think some people are going to think the worst of me no matter what I say.” His eyes darkened. “Or what Jenna says now.”

Mattie noticed that the lines of tension around his mouth hadn’t eased a bit. Actually, he looked even more perturbed. “Graham, you’re going to have to learn to get control of your anger.”

“I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do that.”

“Then I guess you’ll just have to try harder.”

“It’s not that easy, Mattie.”

“Believe me, I know that. For months after my cancer diagnosis, I wanted to be mad at everyone, but it wasn’t the right thing to do. I had to learn to ease my anger. Most of all, I had to learn to give my hurts and worries over to the Lord.”

“I’d gladly give this burden to the Lord, but it isn’t even my problem. Jenna’s baby isn’t mine.”

“I know that. But don’t you see, Graham? The baby was never the Lord’s trial for you. The gossip and losing your control over your reputation was.”

“Why would God give me something like this? It makes no sense.”

“You’re right. It doesn’t. But you don’t need to analyze it, Graham. I promise, I’ve learned the hard way that we all have burdens to shoulder. Some are more evident than others. If I’ve learned anything over the last year, it’s that it would be foolish to imagine that one person’s problems are more important than another’s. I’ve also learned that when times are tough, it’s best to depend on the only thing that is our constant: Faith.”

Hesitantly, she gazed at him.
Please let me in,
she silently pleaded.
Please don’t push me away. Don’t put up more guards.

“Well, this is sure new for you,” he said sarcastically. “I didn’t know you’d made such a pact with the Lord.”

Well, he’d obviously made his choice. A deep sadness flowed through her as she realized that he was far from moving on. Instead, he was mired in his grief and anger.

Choosing her next words carefully, she said, “Graham, I haven’t made a pact with Him. I merely chose to listen.”
Finally
, she added silently.

“I’m not ready to do that. It might surprise you, but the other night I actually did pray and I asked Him for help. But He didn’t answer.”

“Maybe He did.”

He waved a hand. “Things aren’t better, Mattie. I don’t think He was of the mind to listen. Or at least not of the mind to do a thing about it.”

Mattie knew it would do no good to press him any longer. Graham had made up his mind, and was sticking to his decision, no matter what. “Where does this leave us?”

He blinked. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

“I think you know.” Bracing herself, she dived in. “Graham, you told me that you cared for me. We kissed. I thought we would start courting . . .”

Her cheeks burned as he looked at her like he’d never seen her before. As if such a thing had never even occurred to him.

Just when she thought she couldn’t be more embarrassed, she felt the heat flow from her cheeks, down her neck, and across her chest.

“We can’t, Mattie,” he said finally.

“Because of the rumors?”

“Because of that. And because of where I am right now. Mattie, I’m so angry and confused right now, I don’t think I can be everything you need me to be.”

“Graham, all I want is for you to be yourself . . .”

“That wouldn’t be enough.”

As she thought back to all the times they had together . . . both the good and the bad, she shook her head. He’d been there for her when she could hardly get out of bed . . . and hardly get off the bathroom floor, she was so nauseous.

He’d teased her when she came home bald, and had given her hope when she thought she would never feel hopeful again. “I promise, Graham. Just for you to be you is always enough.”

A fierce, sweet yearning flashed in his gaze, giving Mattie hope . . . then, just as quickly, anger and desolation flew back.

“Not yet, Mattie. I can’t start pretending nothing in my life is wrong. Not when everything is.” And with that, Graham stood up. “I’m going to leave now. I think it would be best.”

“Yes. Probably so.”

“I hope you’re not too mad . . .”

“I’m fine.” Well, she would be. One day. “Don’t worry about me.”

He paused. For a brief moment, a flicker of something so familiar and sweet entered his gaze, bringing with it a thousand memories of easier times.

“I am sorry, Mattie. I’m sorry if you expected more.”

“I’m sorry, too,” she said simply, and looked at her folded hands on her lap when he paused, obviously looking for something to say. Giving up, he turned and walked away.

When her front door closed, she leaned her head against the back of the couch and breathed deep. Had she expected more?

Oh, yes.

Was she disappointed?

Definitely.

Was there anything she could do about it?

Of course.

Closing her eyes, she opened her heart. “Lord, I know you hear everything. I know You already know what is deep in my heart, and what is deep in Graham’s, too. If it’s your will, I could sure use some help. And, if you don’t mind, the sooner the better would be best. Amen.”

Half imagining God grumbling about her impatience, Mattie kept her eyes closed and breathed deep and smiled.

Oh, it felt so good to give up her burdens to the Lord!