Lettie held the letter, unsure of herself. “Well, my search was only part of the reason I left.” She drew a breath. “I wanted Samuel to know about our child, too, hopin’ to soothe his sadness over his wife’s death.”
Mamm’s eyes widened, and Lettie continued. “So Samuel would know he wasn’t childless at all.”
Frowning now, her mother looked befuddled.
“I realize I should’ve told him long ago, since the baby was also his.” Lettie shook her head. “And I never should’ve traveled alone to see him without Judah’s permission. It was wrong of me.”
“But what’ll you do if your daughter wants to find
you
?” Mamma asked. “What then?”
“I think that’s unlikely now.” She paused. “And since visiting Cousin Hallie, I’ve been prayin’ differently ’bout this.”
Mamm let out a little gasp. “You mean Hallie Troyer knows?”
“I told you, Mamm. I’m weary of this secret.” Lettie’s throat tightened. “I’ve spoken with the ministers in confidence already.” By the look of trepidation on her mother’s face, she wasn’t sure she should say more.
“Oh, Lettie... Lettie, dear.”
She explained what she’d decided to do. “The brethren ruled that I won’t be shunned if I fully reveal my sins to the congregation.”
Mamm grimaced, shaking her head. And the silence that fell between them was thick as custard. Yet Lettie would not allow herself to be persuaded otherwise, because in her heart she knew this was the right thing to do.
“And Judah... what does he say?” asked Mamm.
“We must trust the Lord.”
With all of our hearts...
Mamm reached out and placed a hand on Lettie’s arm. “I wish you’d give it more thought, dear. Consider the consequences that such a disclosure might cause.”
“For me?” Lettie whispered. “Or for you?”
Mamm’s eyes were grave. “Not just for your father and me. Think how it could affect Adam’s pending marriage... and Grace’s and Mandy’s potential mates. Young Joe, too.”
Lettie had witnessed firsthand the humiliation and embarrassment previous church confessions involved, so she understood something of her mother’s reluctance. Yet, no matter how painful her declaration of guilt might be, she felt certain God was calling her to do this. No anguish could be worse than her – and her family’s – bearing the ramifications of her sins in utter silence.
“I want to follow the Lord in this,” Lettie said, hoping her determined stand would not create another wedge between them.
twenty-four
When Martin Puckett pulled into the driveway that same afternoon, Grace went out to meet him. “My wife received your voicemail. She’s thrilled you want to help,” he said. “When would you like to come?”
Glancing back toward the house, she said, “I’d best talk with my mother right quick. She’s just returned home!”
Martin’s eyes lit up. “Well, what good news! I’m happy to hear it.”
“There’s a lot of happiness to go round.” She turned toward the house. “Do ya mind waiting? I’ll run in and check.”
But her mother was not to be found on their side of the house, so she slipped across the center hall. There, in the sitting room, she found Mamma and Mammi Adah talking in low voices. Both looked glum, as if they’d just had the most dreadful news.
Her mother turned. “What is it, dear?”
“Don’t mean to interrupt.” Grace swiftly explained Janet Puckett’s interest in creating an herb garden. “Martin’s here now.... If it’s all right with you, I’ll tell him I can help his wife this Saturday.”
Mamma tilted her head slightly. “Gracie, you managed the entire household without my say-so,” she said with a demure smile.
Grace had to laugh a little. “You’re right. Thanks, Mamma.” With that she returned to tell Martin, who said he’d pick her up after breakfast Saturday. Grace watched him drive away, pleased at the prospect of spending a morning working in such a pleasant way. Life seemed so good now that Mamma was home. She couldn’t begin to understand why her mother and grandmother had looked so depressed just moments ago.
On the way to the Wellness Lodge later that afternoon, Grace stopped by the Riehls’, eager to see Becky, whom she hadn’t had a chance to visit with privately since returning from Ohio.
Her friend rushed out of the house, her long purple skirt swaying. “Gracie... it’s been much too long!”
“I’ve missed you, too.”
They fell into step and strolled toward the pond behind the barn. “I hear your Mamma’s back,” Becky said.
“Dat brought her home from Preacher Josiah’s just this morning.”
Becky was quiet all of a sudden, and Grace realized she must not have known Mamma had been staying at Smuckers’. Since she was hesitant to delve into that, Grace changed the subject quickly. “I thought you might want to know Heather’s having quite a time of it.”
“Awful sorry to hear that,” Becky said. “I’ll try and visit her.” She smiled as they neared the pond out back. “I’m glad she’s found a friend in you, Gracie.”
“’Tween you and me, Heather seems sad... even depressed.”
“Well, I’d be sad, too.” Becky stopped near the edge of the wide pond, near a tall willow tree. “Sally Smucker mentioned to Mamm that Heather has some form of cancer. Did ya know?”
Grace said she did. “I hope Dr. Marshall can help her... like she did Sally.”
“Jah, I wish the best for Heather.” Becky lifted her skirt slightly and dipped her toe into the pond. She motioned for Grace to do the same. “C’mon, it’ll cool you off.”
“Ain’t
that
hot.” She hung back, watching her friend. She looked over at Dat’s sheep pasture. Soon it would be June and lambing season would be over.
Mamma came home at exactly the right time.
“I’ll tell you a secret if you promise not to repeat it.” Becky grinned at her.
“Frankly, I’m full up with secrets.”
“Aw... Gracie?”
Grace waved her hand vaguely. “If you must.”
“Well, after the Singing last Sunday night, Henry and I snuck around the back of the barn and went wading.”
“Here?”
“In this very pond.”
“Becky, you didn’t!”
“Clear up to our knees.”
“Whatever for?”
Becky waded in a little farther. “It wasn’t my idea, but Henry’s.”
“So... he
talks
to you, then?” Grace bit her tongue too late.
Becky’s laugh was infectious. “Not much, no.”
“Goodness, he must’ve suggested it somehow. Maybe sign language?”
“No, he just rolled up his pant legs and walked right on into the water.”
“So... sounds like you might be a couple.”
Becky’s wide smile gave her away. “Ain’t s’posed to ask such things, Gracie.”
“Well, you don’t have to say.” Grace hesitated, then added, “Henry might be just right for you.”
Becky made no response; by now her friend was up to midcalf in the pond.
“If you’re goin’ in much farther, maybe you should wait till dark,” Grace suggested.
“Are ya saying to make this visit quick, Gracie?” Becky turned, her Kapp strings dangling down her front.
“Thought you might want to be alone to remember last Sunday, out here with Henry and all.” Grace covered her mouth, stifling her laughter.
“Aw... you’re a tease.” Becky started to head back to the grassy slope. “What ’bout you and Yonnie... doin’ all right?”
Since she asked it like that, Grace guessed Becky was completely over him. “We’ve become friends,” Grace said.
“
Just
friends?” There was a playful look in Becky’s eyes again.
“Right.”
Becky kept the hem of her skirt up a bit to let the sun dry her bare legs and feet. “Say, I hear Mamm’s putting up jam with Sally Smucker and your Mammi Adah a week from this Friday.”
“Must be strawberry.”
“That, and some strawberry rhubarb, Mamm’s favorite,” Becky said, walking with Grace toward the house.
“If I’m not scheduled to work at Eli’s, I could help. Mamma prob’ly will, too – we could put up enough for several families, and a bunch to sell at the roadside stand, too. A jam-making frolic, jah?”
“’Fraid you’ll have to have fun without me. I promised Mamma I’ll be home with my sisters,” Becky said.
They hugged quickly and said good-bye, then Grace headed to the lodge, smiling to herself at the image of her friend standing there with the hem of her dress all sopping wet.
After supper, Lettie found it heartening that Judah had a longer time of family worship than usual. And when he finished, he told Adam and Joe they were to be in charge of checking on the lambs tonight. “Take turns wakin’ each other up,” he stressed, glancing at Lettie.
Mandy and the boys had been especially attentive to the worship this evening. Grace, on the other hand, had looked distracted, and Lettie feared she’d taken on too much of the burden for the family in her absence
.
Was that the reason Grace seemed so interested in helping Martin Puckett’s wife? Did she feel compelled somehow?
When Lettie climbed the stairs with Judah and they were finally alone, she mentioned Grace’s eagerness to work for Janet Puckett. “If only for a day or two,” she said.
“Janet must know of our Gracie’s love for gardening,” he said. “Certainly seems like a good fit.”
It was remarkable how quickly Judah now offered his opinion. But Lettie didn’t point it out, not wanting to embarrass him... simply enjoyed his willingness to share like this.
Looking around the bedroom, she stared at the headboard, which sat to the north, just as all the beds in their house were positioned. Her gaze fell over the pretty, handmade hope chest – Judah’s handiwork
–
at the foot of the bed, filled with her blankets and quilts. She’d tucked the midwife’s letter away there, as well as the poetry books from Samuel Graber, on the off chance their child might be reunited with her someday. Other than that, she did not care to read either the letter or the books ever again.
The eyes of her heart had led her home.
To Judah...
Her husband removed his suspenders, humming all the while. The contents of her hope chest were the last thing she cared to think about this night. Once she was settled into bed, Judah carried the Good Book from the dresser.
When he sat on his side of the bed, he took her letter from the Bible and opened it. “These gave me hope while you were gone.” He tapped the Bible, then her folded letter, looking at her with tender eyes. “I’m grateful to God you’re home, Lettie.”
She felt her own heart fill anew with gratefulness at his words. And when Judah reached for her hand and raised it to his lips, she immediately warmed to his touch.
Grace stood at her bedroom window, contemplating the day and Mamma’s homecoming
.
If someone had once told her she’d be pondering an older half sister she’d never known, she would’ve said they were
ferhoodled
.
Is she still living in Ohio... this sister Mamma kept such a secret?
She raised the window, needing the breeze on her face. Curious about the child Mamma had given away, she breathed in the rain-fresh fragrance and wondered if the young woman was as strong-willed as Mamma had always been.
And Mammi Adah, too.
It made her tremble to think her mother might have to own up publicly about her long-ago baby.
Becky and her parents and older brothers will be there... and Yonnie and his parents, too.
She went to sit on her bed, tapping her fingers over the quilt pattern. “Is Mamma up to confessing?” To think Mamma hadn’t even told Dat about the baby till her return! Had she feared he’d refuse to let her search for her long-lost child? If so, was that reason enough to keep mum all those years, then leave so unexpectedly?
By keeping quiet, Mamma misled Dat terribly... lied to him every day of their married life,
she thought.
Which makes Dat’s forgiving her now all the more precious.
Leaning back on the bed, Grace crossed her arms behind her head and watched the shadowy flickers on the wall, thinking again of Yonnie. She squeezed her eyes shut and remembered their walk along Mill Creek.
Is it possible I like him more than I even know?
She asked God for an understanding heart – to know what part she should take as a voting church member when Mamma declared her guilt.
I don’t want to be a stumbling block, O Lord.
Beginning to rest more easily, Grace thought presently of her recent visit with Becky. Hearing her friend describe the fun she’d had with Henry at the pond had been an eye-opener! That, and seeing the joy-light in her friend’s eyes as she talked of her new beau – for surely Henry was that. Even so, it was hard to imagine him courting Becky.
To think Henry actually
talks
to her!
It was not as hard, however, to picture what it might be like to be courted by Yonnie. Or maybe she shouldn’t let herself imagine that. Grace rolled over and let out a little groan, wishing she knew her own heart.
The glimpses she’d caught of Dat’s and Mamma’s affection today surprised her. Were they falling in love again? Could it be? Had her mother married out of convenience, as she’d accidently overheard Dawdi Jakob and Mammi Adah indicate more than a week ago in the privacy of their kitchen?
Just then a crack of thunder shook the house.
Another late-night thunderstorm.
Grace sat up quickly and peered out the window from her perch on the bed. “Maybe I need a lightning rod to protect my heart,” she whispered as she intently watched the sky.
After a time, she went to her dresser, where the gas lamp burned brightly. She found the beautiful, clear marble-sized stone from Yonnie. Turning it over in her hand, she felt its coolness, its lovely smoothness, and dreamed of the sea. What would it be like to watch the tide move in against the sand? Or to smell sea salt in the air... to feel the spray of waves on her skin?
Will I ever know?
Once the storm subsided, Grace tiptoed across the hall to join Mandy in saying their bedtime prayers. Together, they’d beseeched the Lord nearly every night for Mamma’s safety and her return, missing only the evenings when Mandy was out with her new beau.
Grace knelt silently beside the bed, next to her sister, and each took turns thanking God for answering their prayers. All the while Grace remembered how desperate she’d felt, though never wanting it to show – for her family’s sake.
Trying to be brave... always hopeful.
Afterward Mandy hugged her and whispered, “Things are best when Mamma’s home, ain’t so?”
Grace tearfully agreed.
Long after their mutual prayers, Grace took her time talking to God in the stillness of her own room, asking for divine wisdom for Mamma as she offered repentance before the People.
Grace had to reject the temptation to fret. Instead, she would box up her fears and hand them over to her all-wise and all-knowing heavenly Father, whose love encompassed them all. After all, hadn’t the Lord prompted Mamma to be willing to repent openly? Wasn’t that His divine will?
God had also softened her parents’ hearts toward each other, by bringing Mamma home and in opening Dat’s loving arms. The Lord was at work in her family... and she must rely on His will and way, no matter how problematic their present situation might seem.