When Grace rapped on the rickety door, she had to steel herself so she wouldn’t cry. “Mamma... it’s me, Grace,” she said, touching the screen.
Her mother dropped the little dress she was holding and came swiftly to the door.
Grace opened it and flung her arms around Mamma. They held each other, her mother’s breath warm on Grace’s neck.
“I missed you ever so much...
all
of you,” said Mamma, looking into her eyes when they parted slightly.
Grace’s own gaze remained glued to her mother’s face as they gripped each other’s arms. “I’m so glad you’re back – oh, you just don’t know...” She was surprised to note Mamma looked nearly the same – bright blue eyes, plump face – but the sweet new light on her countenance was a welcome change from her former melancholy.
In that moment, Grace fully remembered what hope felt like. How her heart had wrenched with ongoing concern through all the days of waiting till Mamma might come to her senses. And now she was here!
Tears rolled down Mamma’s cheeks, and she cupped Grace’s face. “It’s awful
gut
to see you, Gracie. How’s your sister... and Adam and Joe?”
“Just fine... all of us workin’ hard, as always.” She told how anxious Mandy was to see her. “I ’spect she’ll be over here real soon.”
The light dimmed in Mamma’s eyes, and she touched her chest, mouth drawn suddenly. “’Tis a hard time for your father... and for me.” She said it ever so quietly.
The questions spilled from Grace’s lips almost before she realized it. “Ach, Mamma... is it true we have an older sister – a half sister?” She could hardly breathe. “Did you look for her in Ohio? Is that why you went there?”
“Jah.” Mamma gave a slow nod. “I see your Dat told ya, which is his right – I should’ve told you myself.” She sighed. “I’m waiting for some word back from the Ohio Adoption Registry, but all that’s up to the Lord now.”
“You mean you’re still hoping to hear something from her?” Grace’s voice quivered and she felt helpless to stop it.
Mamma reached for her, pulling Grace into her ample arms. Her mother’s tears spilled onto her own face. “Let’s not talk ’bout that now. I’m sorry for hurting all of you,” Mamma said softly. “I have much to make up to your father for... and to you and your sister and brothers.”
The sunlight fell on the table, laden with the Smucker children’s tiny nightgowns and socks and little aprons. It splashed onto the gleaming wood floor and came to a stop on the far wall, across from the table. In the midst of her own sorrow, Grace was surprised to feel a new kind of love for her mother, who’d suffered these many years under the weight of this burden.
“We love you, Mamma. We never stopped.” She said what surely Dat had this morning when he rushed off to see Mamma – at least Grace hoped this with all of her heart. “And Dat didn’t say a word to me about the baby.... I overheard him talkin’ with Mammi and Dawdi.”
At Mamma’s pained look, Grace quickly changed the subject. “You know, I came lookin’ for ya in Baltic, Ohio.” She hadn’t planned to tell her, but there she was saying it all the same.
“Oh, Gracie? When?”
“Just this past week... I went with Heather Nelson, an English girl who’s been stayin’ at Riehls’.” She told her about Heather’s kind offer and how they’d gone together and spent the night with Susan Kempf, after word had come via the Fisher girls that Mamma had been seen at a local hen party. “But since you weren’t there, we drove right back last Friday. I was hopin’... you’d want to come home with us, Mamma.” It was all she could do to keep her emotions in check.
Her mother’s jaw sagged, and she let out a loud sigh. “Aw, you poor girl.”
“Susan told me you would return to us... once you finished searching,” Grace said. “At the time, I didn’t know what she meant.”
Then she began to cry, sobbing into her hands, all the emotions of the past weeks spilling out. Mamma stroked her back and said in soft tones that the elusive daughter somewhere out in the world would never take Grace’s place in her heart. “You will always be my sweet Gracie. Always.”
Such dear things her Mamma was saying. It took a few minutes to pull herself together. When she had blown her nose and straightened herself a bit, she said, “Sorry, Mamma... I shouldn’t have. It’s just – ”
“A terrible shock.”
“Is it a shock for Dat, too?” Grace blurted. “Did he know ’bout the baby... before now, I mean?”
Mamma’s head moved painfully slow. “I never told him.” She looked away. “Another one of my sins,” she said in a near whisper. “One I regret to this moment.”
Suddenly, Grace understood the source of the unmistakable pain in her mother’s eyes.
nineteen
After her tearful visit with Mamma, Grace was all wrung out, yet she still wanted to see how Heather was faring on her first day at the lodge. Grace found her friend sitting on the lawn beneath a shade tree, her fingers flying across her laptop keyboard. “Hullo,” she called, hurrying over to Heather.
Her friend’s blue eyes danced when she saw Grace. She put down her laptop and rose to pull a spare lawn chair over for Grace. “I’m glad you came, but I’ll only be out here a short time – we’re having a little break from classes.” Heather explained that each day began with a question-and-answer session, plus “re-education classes,” as Dr. Marshall referred to the instruction. “It’s fascinating to get a better understanding of how the body works.”
Grace glanced back at the big house, where several patients sat on the long front porch. “Are they treating you well, Heather?”
“Oh yes. But... I’m already getting tired of
drinking
my meals and it’s only the first day. Boy, am I in trouble!” Heather laughed a little. “But I knew coming here would be a challenge.” She shared some of the concepts she was learning. “Chewing is instinctive, so missing it is something that has to be overcome when fasting with liquids.”
Grace wondered what it would be like to live solely on juices made from powdered kelp and wheatgrass and other greens.
I’d do it to keep from dying,
she decided.
Heather mentioned two new acquaintances – a teenage girl named Tessa, with leukemia, who had been given only a few months to live; and Jeannie, a young woman whose cancer had spread to her bones. Jeannie had already been on a juice diet for several weeks before coming to the lodge. “Such sad stories.” Heather glanced over her shoulder. “I wish I could introduce you to both of them... but I don’t want to make a spectacle of them.” She smiled. “Or of you, either.”
Grace looked about her. “They might ask who that Plain girl is you keep company with, jah?”
“Hey, when you’re seriously ill, you don’t care about other people’s business. It just doesn’t matter.”
Grace leaned into the comfortable lawn chair, glad for the warmth of the late-day sun and the fragrant breeze. Her concern for her mother had subdued a bit now that she was thinking of cancer patients, and she felt ready to share her news with Heather. “My mother’s back from Ohio,” she announced.
Heather’s mouth gaped open. “Are you serious?”
“Jah, it’s wonderful-
gut
news.”
“You must be thrilled, Grace.”
She nodded. “I’m ever so happy.”
The cool breeze blew Heather’s light brown hair away from her pale face. She seemed more ashen than the last time Grace had seen her, on their trip home.
“Are you getting plenty of rest?” Grace asked.
Heather laughed again, the sound ringing in the air like a melody. “That’s practically all we’ll be doing when we’re not taking walks, drinking juices, or doing other cleansing therapies. Uh... don’t ask.” She gave a half smile.
“Well, I don’t want to tire you out.” Grace rose from her chair. “Just had to see how you’re doing.”
Reaching for her laptop again, Heather said, “I’m documenting these ten days for posterity.” She looked up at Grace and their eyes held. Then Heather glanced over her shoulder again, lowering her voice. “I’m not sure some of us are going to make it, Grace.” She sighed, her expression sad. “Some are getting this kind of help too late.”
“Ach, so very sorry...” She couldn’t bear to look up at the porch, thinking Heather must’ve meant someone, or more than one person, sitting there.
Heather closed her laptop and placed it on Grace’s chair, then got up from her own chair. They strolled out toward the road. “Thanks for coming, Grace. It was really great seeing you.”
“I’ll come again tomorrow on my way home from work at Eli’s.” Grace squeezed Heather’s arm as she mentioned the natural foods store where they had met. “Take
gut
care, all right?” Grace waved good-bye, hoping her friend hadn’t noticed she was somewhat preoccupied with her mother. Tomorrow was plenty soon enough to reveal that Mamma and Dat were living apart.
The air was muggy and close –
too warm for a late May evening,
thought Judah.
An occasional breeze carried the sounds of insects and the crackle of leaves. Several men had gathered, including Judah, who’d put his ax down only once to catch his breath and in hope of a breeze. The massive kudzu vine had not only taken over the woodshed; its roots were entrenched in the soil.
Like Lettie’s secret
.
If Lettie had repented when she was a teen, none of this business with the ministers would be happening now, he felt sure.
He watched Adam, Yonnie, and Joe slash away at the tenacious vine. They’d positioned themselves at various spots around the woodshed. Two of Yonnie’s cousins were also helping to eradicate the vine. Judah had noticed the way Yonnie appointed himself the one in charge.
Unlike Adam, who’s taken a backseat in things lately
. Judah hoped his eldest wasn’t feeling henpecked already, when he wasn’t even hitched yet.
If Adam’s betrothed was indeed Priscilla Stahl, as Judah supposed, he wouldn’t be surprised. Her mother, Susannah, had been anything but agreeable back when she was courting age. After he and Susannah had become friends, Judah had taken her out several times before courting Lettie. At the time, she’d confided in him about her desire to someday run a quilt shop someplace other than her house. He’d found this startling and had told her so, but she had not been deterred.
Of course, he shouldn’t have taken her out more than once. Because later, when he didn’t continue asking Susannah to ride home with him, she’d been very hurt. Word had it she’d liked him... a lot. In hindsight, he was both sorry Susannah had been so fond of him and was hurt by him. But he had never been able to think of her in that way. No, even during those months while Lettie was away with her mother in Ohio, Lettie Esh had always been the girl for him.
Behind the vine-covered woodshed, a mourning dove sang in the stand of oaks. Lettie once had told him the mourning dove’s call had sometimes made her sad.
Like she must be right now.
Before he came here to lend a hand with the removal of the vine, Grace had told him that Lettie had moved into the Smuckers’ little Dawdi Haus,
“till things get sorted out.”
Grace had looked downright miserable as she insisted that Lettie needed him.
“I’m concerned ’bout Mamma,”
Grace had said, wide-eyed and so serious he wasn’t surprised when she confessed she now knew the reason for her mother’s search.
Judah’s mind returned to the task at hand as, all the while, he resented Lettie’s deception. The years of their marriage seemed like a lie... the sin’s menacing tentacles stretching out to destroy and cover over everything in sight.
Will Lettie’s past swallow up our family, too?
Heather stayed up longer than the suggested lights-out that night –
like summer camp,
she thought while sitting in bed. She at least wanted to answer Jim’s most recent text message before going to sleep.
I breezed through my first full day here,
she wrote back.
A piece of cake... um, you know.
Well, the toxins are still roaring around inside you.
Just be ready to feel worse before you feel better,
he replied.
I expected to be hungrier than I am!
she told him.
You’d think the stomach would go completely crazy with all that juice.
LOL – just you wait,
he wrote.
You’ll be hungry eventually... really hungry.
She wondered how he sounded when he laughed. Staring at the ceiling, Heather couldn’t believe how comfortable she felt “talking” to him.
Would I still find him interesting,
if we ever met?
Quickly she pushed the preposterous thought away. Getting involved with another guy wasn’t wise, especially now. Plus, she absolutely refused to get hurt again. She had a transitory thought of her former fiancé, but she dismissed it. Even fleetingly, she didn’t want to think of Devon.
But she
was
concerned for Jim’s own health struggles, which were ongoing, he’d said earlier today. So, despite his radical diet and previous lodge stay, he wasn’t out of the woods. She shivered at the thought.
All that effort and he’s still sick....
Does the doctor there suggest dry brushing the skin? This can be very beneficial,
he wrote.
Absolutely,
she typed back. Later, she added:
My Amish friend came to visit this afternoon. She says she’s going to visit every day to cheer me up. And guess what? Her mom is back – the woman we went looking for a few days ago in Ohio.
Heather wouldn’t go into detail or say how elated Grace was now that Lettie had come home on the heels of their futile trip. None of that concerned Jim. He, too, restricted his comments to the ordinary stuff of his life, or to things pertaining to health – buying groceries at a co-op after getting off work, going for a run. Things like that. But he didn’t say where he worked, and she hadn’t asked.
Too nosy.
Fighting sleep now, Heather signed off after his last text and slid down into bed. She placed her iPhone on the small table nearby. Then, pulling up the sheet, she relaxed her arms on either side of her, pulling the sheet taut across her chest.
Will I hit the proverbial wall soon... the one Jim warned about?
Her eyes slowly adapted to the darkness as she lay there wondering how things would play out. How would she feel on the fourth... sixth... tenth day? What about weeks from now, after her time at the lodge?
She breathed deeply, as she’d learned to do – four counts as she inhaled, then eight long counts to exhale. She tried to imagine her mom praying for her as a baby, before her parents had even heard about her or knew she was available for adoption. Evidently, waiting for a baby through the local agency in Virginia had taken far longer than her parents had ever envisioned. Mom had seen it as divine intervention when she and Dad had learned through Ohio friends of Heather’s availability.
Dad said they fell in love with me at first sight.
She felt peaceful with the thought, as she had back home in her own beautiful room. If only her father would reconsider selling the house she and Mom had loved so well.
Should I bring it up again?
She wondered if he’d gone home to put the house on the market.
Is it too late?
Tomorrow, if he visited, she would stick her neck out and ask.
Long after the Smucker children were tucked in for the night, Lettie opened the back door of the little Dawdi Haus and waved Sally inside, glad for the company. “Are the children asleep?”
“For now, but Isaac tends to walk in his sleep,” Sally told her, going to the table and pulling out a chair. “It started after he saw his uncle accidently cut off his thumb while splitting logs.”
Lettie cringed. “No wonder.”
“Happened more than a year ago.”
“Children react differently to troubling things.” Lettie got up to put some water on for tea. She hoped her own children would not be severely scarred by what she must tell them. Although her visit with Grace today seemed to indicate otherwise.
Knowing the truth didn’t change her heart toward me.
It seemed to Lettie a kind of miracle.
“Not sure how any of us gets through life without some scars,” Sally remarked.
The psalm Lettie had read this afternoon came to mind as she set the kettle on the stove.
For thou art my rock and my fortress; therefore for thy name’s sake lead me, and guide me.
Sally turned in her chair to look at Lettie with concerned eyes.
“Are you comfortable over here?”
“Jah... fine. And I’m grateful to you and Josiah.” She wouldn’t say she missed Judah, especially after his warm and welcoming greeting in Sally’s kitchen earlier. She’d thought of little more than his tender touch all day – the way he’d stroked her cheek, his eyes glistening. His fondness touched her even now, and she wished he might’ve forgiven her then and there.
“I hope things improve for you.” Sally’s words were soft yet strained.
Lettie understood and appreciated her concern. It was important for the People to have the opportunity to extend mercy to those who wished to repent – their age-old tradition. The significance of the degrees of confession set down by their forefathers was revered by the bishop and the church membership, despite the fact that many in their church district embraced Scripture as the ultimate authority.
All for the good.
“What things are bound and loosed on earth will be so in heaven,” Sally whispered.
“
Das alt Gebrauch –
the Old Ways are best,” whispered Lettie.
“Anything else would be considered worldly.”
But as serious as Lettie’s situation was with the ministers and, ultimately, the People, her heart was equally heavy for Judah. If she could, she yearned to help him through the hurt of betrayal and maybe, someday, receive his forgiveness.
“Will you offer to be shunned for a time?” Sally asked, her eyes sad. “Josiah looked dreadfully concerned after the two of you talked today.”
Lettie thought of Judah again. In spite of his reserved nature, he had always been loyal to her, even compassionate. With Sally talking like this, she wondered if Judah would also eventually ask her some of the same questions. “I’ve carried the pain of my sins too long,” she said. “I’m ready to make things right before God and the church.”
Sally opened the small cupboard and reached for two teacups and saucers, as well as raw honey for sweetening. “I’ll keep you in my prayers, like I did all the weeks you were gone from us.”
Lettie’s eyes filled with tears. “I need prayer now more than you know,” she said, remembering again Judah’s earlier sweetness toward her. How quickly his tenderness had turned to disbelief... and rejection.
She wiped her eyes on the hem of her black apron.
How could I expect otherwise?