The Tome of Bill (Book 7): The Wicked Dead (41 page)

Francois cleared his throat. “I am about to commence counting again. This time, I shall not stop. Do not test my...”

“The master is displeased with you!” an unfamiliar voice called out.

What the...?

All our heads spun toward the direction it had come from, back where the forest ended and the suburbs began. Standing just beyond the trees was a figure clad in a cloak and hood.

In the chaos that had just occurred, none of us had heard him approach.

I took a sniff of the air to determine if our visitor was human or vampire and came up blank. Whoever it was, they smelled as if they weren’t there at all.

* * *

“We shall resume this momentarily.” Francois turned and stomped away toward where the newcomer waited.

Ed and I locked eyes. That was too close.

I turned my attention to Adam and Dave, still holding their weapons on us. “Come on, guys. Snap out of it.”

Their response was to stand there and continue to give us the most lethal thousand-yard stare on the planet. Shit! There was no fucking way I could break them free, at least not without all the other vamps around us filling me with silver-jacketed bullets first.

“I’m open for suggestions,” I said at last.

“How fast can you get out of here if we break those manacles?” Sally whispered to Christy.

“A couple of seconds, but it’ll take longer to bring the rest of you...”

“Don’t worry about us.”

“They’ll shoot you.”

“Yeah, but we’ll heal ... eventually, anyway. You won’t.”

“I probably won’t either,” Ed pointed out.

“You’re special. The guest of honor,” I replied, hoping I understood what Sally was getting at. “If Vehron wants you that badly, even Francois isn’t stupid enough to piss him off.”

“Exactly. There’s no time to argue.” Sally turned again to Christy. “As soon as he’s distracted.”

Christy nodded. “I’ll find my sisters and the others. We’ll come for you.”

“Sooner rather than later, I’d hope.” I glanced over to see Francois stalking to the very edge of the tree line where the figure awaited him. “Any second now. Get ready.”

* * *

“What is it?” Francois asked, obviously annoyed to be interrupted.

The three of us converged around Christy, pretending to pay attention to the altercation going on, but in reality trying to provide enough cover so that Sally might snap the magic-dampening cuffs without being immediately noticed.

“Your tone is insolent,” the newcomer replied, his voice deep – a little too deep. He sounded like someone doing a bad Batman impersonation.

“I do not answer to you. Tell me The Destroyer’s message and be gone while I still allow you to walk away.”

“On the count of three,” Sally whispered.

The hooded figure approached to where Francois stood, stopping barely a foot away from him. “I said the master, not Vehron.”

“One.”

“What are you talking about, fool?”

“Two.”

“Bill’s master, actually,” the figure replied, his voice dropping an octave to a familiar cadence. “At least the little tyke thinks she is.”

“Thr...”

“Wait!” I hissed, just as the figure threw back his hood, revealing himself to be Tom. How in the name of fuck?

“I know you,” Francois said with a snarl.

“Yes, but have you met my little friend?” Tom replied in a bad Cuban accent. “If not, say hello to him.”

With that, Tom took a swing at Francois. It was hard to tell from this angle, but it looked like he had something attached to his hand. Whatever the case, he’d clearly gone insane. Because there was no way...

...That Francois’s head would burst into flame as the blow connected?

The asshole screamed and backed up a step. Tom took the occasion to throw his cloak off, revealing his
armor
– a collection of stolen toys duct-taped to his body. Yep, we’d definitely taken a detour to Crazy Town.

“Don’t be sad. Come here and give Daddy a big hug.” Tom leapt forward onto the stunned Francois and gave him the least friendly greeting one could give a vampire.

Up in Canada, Francois had proven himself pretty tough when it came to resisting a faith-magic imbued object. However, my roommate’s entire body was covered in them. That upped the ante by several hundred percent.

I didn’t dare fool myself that he’d win, though. Even if he got supremely lucky, there was still Francois’s compelled minions to take into account.

Speaking of which, I grabbed Christy and dragged her to the ground. Just in time too, as the compelled vampires brought guns to bear from all sides. Considering Francois’s orders had included ventilating her head if anything happened, I didn’t like her chances just standing there in the crossfire.

Sally and Ed, no idiots, joined us ... which, on second thought, might not have been a great plan as all the rest had to do was aim downward.

Thankfully, that didn’t become an issue as, just then, a burst of light caught my attention from ahead of us. One of the Salem vamps had been dusted. The reason became clear less than a second later as a crossbow bolt struck another right in the forehead.

The cavalry had arrived.

Oh shit! Remembering that I had friends among the compelled, I kicked Dave’s legs out from under him. Sally saw what I was doing and then did the same to Adam, socking him in the jaw on the way down – for good measure, I guess.

It was a good thing we’d acted when we had, because barely a moment later the area around us descended into pure unadulterated chaos.

* * *

Gunfire erupted as the compelled vamps began opening fire seemingly in every direction. The problem was, they were poor schmucks recruited against their will to fight. Gan’s people – because who the fuck else would be out in the woods with crossbows? – were heavily trained warriors fighting for the honor of their psychotic princess.

It was only a matter of moments before more flashes of light joined the first, as the Salem coven was exterminated one by one. I didn’t have time to worry about them, though.

“Stay here!”

“Where are you...”

“I have a friend and you have a fiancé that needs some help right now.” Yeah, I’d just committed Tom’s ass to marriage without his say so. Fuck it. It wasn’t like he had much choice in the matter anyway.

I jumped to my feet, praying Gan’s people had it drilled into their heads that her
beloved
was on the do-not-pepper-with-arrows list. When I didn’t immediately die like a redshirt on Star Trek, I bolted forward toward where Tom still struggled with Francois. A red-hot lance of pain seared through my leg, but I ignored it and continued on.

I was just in time too. Francois, though looking like Freddy Krueger served up well done, was still an ancient vampire with a scary shit ton of power. He finally managed to mount a defense and, in doing so, threw Tom off. My roommate went flying through the air, out of the tree line, and landed hard on the asphalt of the street, rolling until he came to a halt. He lay there unmoving, but I couldn’t stop to check on him, not with a major asshole in the way who was gonna be mighty pissed just as soon as he regrew about ninety percent of his skin.

“You dare touch me? I am Francois of the First!”

“And it’s about time you came in dead last!” I plowed into him from behind, savoring the cheap shot karma had been saving up for this motherfucker for centuries. “This is for Mike!”

His feet left the ground, but, more importantly, his body left the protection afforded by the trees – on more or less the same trajectory as he’d sent my friend. His clothes in tatters and his body already burnt nearly beyond recognition, he had nothing to shield himself from the rays of the sun that shone down upon him.

I managed to catch hold of a tree limb to stop my forward momentum, and stopped to watch the show.

Francois screamed, loud and high pitched – sounding like a teenaged girl in a horror movie. An asshole in life, a bitch in the end. Worked for me.

He tried to stand, make one last effort to reach cover even as his body began to immolate, but Tom – scraped the hell up from the fall – still had enough sense to kick out and hit the back of Francois’s knee.

The elder vampire stumbled and that was all she wrote. His body was consumed by fire and I watched as his asshole features melted away seconds before there came the telltale flash that rendered him little more than dust in the wind.

Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

With Francois dead, his hold over both the vampires of Salem Coven and my other friends had ended.

Sadly, that didn’t mean shit to Gan’s troops. I yelled for them to cease firing, but that still didn’t stop many Salem vamps from dying with confused looks upon their faces. By the time an order was barked out and the hail of medieval weaponry stopped, there were maybe a handful of the poor Salem schmucks left.

Tom had gotten back to his feet and joined me in the tree line by then. “You okay, man?” I asked.

“I think I lost a Furby in the fight.”

“Fuck you.”

“Nice to see you too,” he replied with a smile as we walked back to take stock of the carnage.

“Everyone okay?” I called out.

“What’s going on?” one of the Salem vamps asked. He saw me and immediately raised his weapon again. “You’re that Freewill guy. What the hell did you do to me and my friends?”

“I wouldn’t do that if I were...”

One more bolt zinged in from somewhere beyond us, catching the vamp square in the chest and ending him then and there.

Oh for Christ’s sake! “Will you fucking knock it off already?!” I screamed to the surrounding trees.

Silence reigned once again – for about two seconds anyway. Then there came a cry of joy as Christy nearly knocked Tom off his feet.

He tried to mumble “hi,” in that idiotically nonchalant way he had, but her mouth was too busy crushing his to let out any sound.

Her public displays of affection rapidly approaching uncomfortable levels, I decided to leave them to their own devices for the moment as I went to check on the others.

Sally was already back on her feet and giving Ed a helping hand.

“Anything hurt?”

“Do egos count?” Ed asked.

“Only if you’re wearing pants.”

“Look who’s talking.”

Oh crap. He was right. In all the excitement, my makeshift kilt had almost slipped off. Not quite what I wanted to happen, especially with Gan in the vicinity. Thankfully, Sally was there to help snap my cuffs off so I could re-secure my meager coverings properly. When I was finished, I turned my attention to my other friends. “How are you guys doing?”

“What the fuck happened?” Adam asked, looking about as dazed as expected.

“That vampire from the pit, Francois, he took over your mind.”

“Huh. Everyone always thinks they’re gonna be the Jedi and not the weak-minded fool,” he replied. “Guess we won’t be training with Yoda anytime soon. Did we do anything stupid?”

“Stupid is such a subjective concept,” Sally said with a snicker.

“Where the hell are my notes?” Dave asked, standing up and searching his pockets. Yep, good to know he had his priorities straight.

“Sorry, man,” I replied. “Francois took them.”

“Well, where is he?”

I hooked a thumb over my shoulder where the still smoldering pile of ash could be seen through the trees.

“Shit! Please tell me he didn’t...”

“In his jacket when he went poof, I’m afraid.”

“Goddamnit! I’m gonna have to start all over again with my samples.”

“Yeah,” Ed interrupted. “Speaking of your notes, when were you going to tell me that I...”

“Beloved!” a disturbingly familiar voice called to me.

“Oh shit.”

“Have fun, Bill,” Ed said, clapping me on the shoulder. “That’s now two you owe her in the last day alone. Good luck living that one down.”

“I could always join Francois,” I whispered back.

He gave me an unsympathetic smile and backed away as Gan came striding over with two burly guards flanking her.

I glanced around, and more of her people stepped out of the forest. There didn’t seem to be nearly as many as earlier, but then again, that any remained at all was surprising considering the force they’d gone up against.

Oh well, no point in delaying the inevitable. “Thanks, Gan. That’s another I owe you.”

Gan bowed deeply before me and, when she stood, I saw a serious look upon her face. She pointed to the guard on her left. “This pitiful excuse of a warrior disobeyed my orders and fired his weapon after I had commanded him to cease.” She then indicated the other. “And this is the dog who dared wound you.”

“Huh?” That’s when I remembered the pain in my leg when I’d run to help Tom. I glanced down and, sure enough, there was a smear of blood on my calf. Must’ve been a glancing blow because it was already healed over. Sometimes, adrenaline was an awesome thing. “Okay. Just be more careful next time, guys. I mean those vamps from Salem Coven were...”

Gan snapped her fingers and both men drew their swords.

“Whoa!” I held up my hands. “There’s no need to take offense. I didn’t even know them.”

She nodded and both of her men turned their blades inward and impaled themselves through the chest with them. Both burst aflame. Their weapons and fur-lined armor clattered to the ground as the clouds of dust that had been them settled on top – not even a speck so much as touching Gan.

“Honor has been satisfied, my love,” she said. “I beg your forgiveness and pray you are too.”

“What, satisfied? Why the fuck would I be satisfied with
that
?”

“You wish for more of my men to atone? Very well. They shall happily lay down their lives for you.”

“No! Not what I meant!” I realized I was shouting and that every vamp in the vicinity was watching. Hell, any nearby humans dumb enough to approach the woods probably were too. I didn’t give a fuck, though. “What, don’t your people have any words for ‘I’m sorry?’ That would have been fine. I’m a simple guy to please.”

Gan appeared puzzled by this. “I am aware that in many things you are simple.” It wasn’t too late. I could grab one of their swords and follow them. “However, you should not be in this matter. A disciplined soldier follows his commander’s orders to the letter, never deviating unless given the authority to do so. A proper commander never lets a slight go unpunished. It serves as a reminder of the consequences to the rest.”