The Tome of Bill (Book 7): The Wicked Dead (5 page)

My stroll down memory lane was cut short as something hit me from behind with the force of a small truck. Before I could open my mouth to cry out, I was airborne – flying across the parking lot leading to Dave’s place. The blow and subsequent landing – allowing me to experience the gentle tug of the scarred asphalt against my face as I skidded to a halt – would have been more than enough to stun most humans or worse. Pity for the asshole who blindsided me, I wasn’t a...

More like pity I wasn’t allowed to finish that thought. A pair of hands abruptly grabbed me by the back of my jacket and hauled me to my feet. I was spun around and shoved into the wall of the building. Just then, the scent of vampire registered in my nostrils, something I should have noticed earlier rather than getting caught up in Sally daydreams.

“You’re more than thirty minutes late,” my attacker growled. “We get a free pizza and your life.”

Huh? The attack had caught me by surprise, but I was otherwise relatively unhurt. Whoever this asshole was, he was either a newb or didn’t realize who I was. It was going to cost him.

Make that
them
.

I looked up to see two more figures join the first. Though the darkness couldn’t conceal them from my eyes; they all wore masks.

They rushed forward, and I took a wild swing at the nearest. My fist connected with a solid *
clonk
* of flesh meeting metal as I realized too late this one was actually wearing a medieval-style helmet – a pretty decent replica, if my bruised hand was any indication.

Regardless, the blow got the job done. My attacker went down – a big-ass dent in the middle of his faceplate.

“Motherfucker!” a muffled voice cried from within.

Something about the cadence caught my attention, and I hesitated for a second, which allowed the others to close the distance and attempt to pin me. The one on the right wore a green knit ski-mask with Cthulhu-esque tentacles hanging off the front. The other stared at me through the rubber face of a Cyberman. All the fight went out of me as I recognized their headgear.

No wonder the voice of Sir Dipshit had sounded so familiar.

I was being attacked by my own D&D group. Guess I’d missed more games than I realized.

Before I could say a word, the two attackers on either side of me – Adam and Mike, judging by their respective disguises – both swung fists into my stomach, doubling me over.

Okay, I’d had just about enough of this shit. I was sorely tempted to start swinging back – just enough to teach them who was the big bad wolf in this story, but then I had a better idea. Fuck it; when in undead Rome...

“
YOU FAGS THINK YOU’RE TOUGH ENOUGH TO FUCK WITH KELVIN LIGHTBLADE
?!”

Normally, my compulsions aren’t much to write home about, at least without the blood of another vampire to juice them up, but they’re more than enough to catch the attention of newbs.

My arms were freed as the two who’d been holding me stumbled back.

The one still on the ground managed to pry his smashed helmet off, revealing, as expected, the face of the third member of my group – Carl. Or at least I assumed it was him behind the broken, blood-gushing nose.

“Bill?”

And with that, the encounter was over – all XP in my favor. Yeah, baby!

“Yes, it’s me. What the fuck are you assholes doing?” I asked, still rightfully miffed.

Adam stripped off his Cyberman mask. “Sorry, man, we didn’t know.”

“Yeah,” Mike added. “We thought you were the delivery guy.”

* * *

“You thought I was some guy from Dominos?” I asked incredulously, feeling the bruises I’d incurred already healing. “Do I look like I’m carrying a fucking pizza?”

“Well...”

“Seriously, what the fuck? Did they jerk off on your last pie or something?”

“It’s not like that, Bill,” Mike said. “We were just hungry.”

“I get that, but just because someone is late is no reason to beat the shit out of them.”

“We weren’t going to beat the shit out of him,” Adam corrected. “We were going to eat him.”

“And the pizza too,” Carl added.

My eyes nearly bugged out of my head as I processed this. What the fuck had happened here?

Just then, the sound of a door opening somewhere behind me registered in my overly sensitive vampire ears. Scratch that question, I knew what – or more precisely
who
– had happened here.

“Oh shit.” There came a quick gasp of surprise followed by the squeal of the door reversing course.

“Not so fast, asshole,” I snapped. “You have some explaining to do.”

“Wait a second,” Adam said, looking me over. “Aren’t you hurt?”

“Just my feelings.”

“Holy shit. Are you a vampire too?”

“No, I’m the fucking Batman.”

He turned toward Dave, who I assumed was still standing behind me with a guilty look upon his face. “You didn’t tell us you bit Bill too.”

What? Oh Jesus Christ. “Everyone get inside now.”

“Who died and made you...”

“
SHUT UP, GET INSIDE, AND CLOSE THE GODDAMNED DOOR!!
It sounds like you guys have a story to tell, and right now, I’m all ears.”

* * *

It wasn’t until we were all settled in Dave’s apartment that I realized that had been the first time I’d tried a mass compulsion. I’d been so annoyed at the whole situation, it had just come out ... barely registering with me until I noticed my gaming buddies standing around with glassy-eyed stares on their faces.

All at once, I sort of got an inkling why the other vamps enjoyed doing this. Goddamn, there was something to be said for telling a group to shut up and them actually doing it.

No, I reminded myself. That was a slippery slope. I might be trying to change my outlook on life, but there were some lines I needed to be mindful of lest I completely bypass tough-guy wannabe and end up as a total asshole-in-training.

I glanced around Dave’s apartment. Huh, that was interesting. The gaming table was all set up. Despite the power being out, it looked the same as it always did on game day.

Fuck it. There was no point in wasting the opportunity. I sat myself down in Dave’s seat and took a deep breath. Clearing my thoughts, I willed my friends free of my control – hoping that’s how it worked. After a moment or two, they all blinked a few times and their eyes cleared. Not bad for a first try.

When that was done, I held up a hand before Dave could say a word and indicated the player chairs around the table. This time, I was the dungeon master, and these fuckers were going to play
my
game.

* * *

“You’re probably a little angry,” Dave began, his usual attitude shelved for the moment.

“Let’s say I’m more concerned than angry, shall we?”

“What the hell is going on here?” Mike asked, his gaze alternating between us before settling upon Dave. “I thought you said you were a master vampire, hundreds of years old.”

“Is that what you said, buddy?” I leaned forward, making a tent of my hands upon which I rested my chin as if listening intently.

“I may have...”

Adam interrupted him. “Fuck yeah, he did. We were all gathered for the game – sorry about what happened to Kelvin, by the way – when he laid it on us and...”

I spun toward him, my brows furrowed. “Wait a second. What happened to Kelvin?”

“You shouldn’t have tried to steal the astral gems from that statue of Morog, the demon god of sodomy while...”

“Why was I stealing gems from a sodomy demon?”

“Why not?”

My fangs descended in annoyance. Another few seconds of this and I was gonna compel them all to act it out in front of me. “Okay, we can discuss that later.” I threw another glare toward Dave. “Let’s get back to this master vampire stuff.”

“No prob, man,” Adam said as if discussing just another in-game adventure. “So we all thought he was full of shit, but then he pulled out a lead pipe and bent the fuck out of it.”

Carl tapped him on the shoulder. “Don’t forget about the rat.”

“Oh yeah. Then he told us to follow him back to his lab, where he pulled this rat out of its cage and ate the fucker right in front of us.”

“I drained it,” Dave said, almost apologetically. “I didn’t eat it.”

“Either way, we’re talking some sick shit. I, for one, was convinced.”

“Me too,” Mike added.

“Not me,” Carl said. “At least, not until he started cutting himself and healing instantly.”

“Quite the floor show.” I inclined my head toward my former DM, enjoying watching him squirm for once. “So then how did we end up here, with you guys trying to take a bite out of my ass because you thought I was late with your pizza?”

“We weren’t going to bite your ass,” Mike replied. “Well, maybe Adam was.”

An empty beer can bounced off his head courtesy of my other party-mate.

“Back it up,” I clarified. “I mean, how did you guys end up...” I put my index and middle fingers up to my mouth to simulate fangs. Not sure why, since I had them myself, but I was kind of caught up in the moment. “Did he attack you?”

“No, he offered,” Carl said, leaning back in his chair. For all the concern he was giving my questioning, you’d have thought he was about to roll initiative against a pair of kobolds. “Said he needed to make a coven or something. I still don’t get that shit. I thought they...”

“Were for witches, I know. They stole the idea from us.” I turned to Dave and raised an eyebrow, waiting until he got the hint it was his turn to answer my unspoken question.

Finally, he sighed, looking much like a teenager who’d been caught sneaking out of the house after dark. “You said it yourself. Uncovened vampires aren’t allowed.”

“That didn’t mean to make your own! That’s ... not how it’s done.”

“Well, nobody bothered to tell me that,” he replied defensively, getting to his feet.

“Maybe if you’d stuck around...”

“And be what? Knocked out by that hot blonde over and over again?”

“She didn’t do it that many times.”

“Are you kidding me? I couldn’t even get up to take a piss without her telling me to go back into the other room and take a long nap. Undead or not, I’m pretty sure that’s not healthy for a bladder.”

Yeah, I could definitely see Sally doing that. “Listen, Dave, I’m sorry for...”

“Hold on,” Carl said. “I want to hear more about this hot blonde.”

Adam sniffed dismissively. “Hot blondes are overrated.”

“Go fuck yourself. Inquiring minds want to know. Seriously, dude, so did she, y’know,
molest
you in your sleep?”

“Well, I did have a couple of dreams that were pretty realis...”

“No, she didn’t,” I snapped, perhaps a bit harsher than was warranted by what was obviously a bullshit story. Hell, I’d told probably a thousand of them myself to this very bunch. I needed to chill out a bit before anyone questioned why the lady ... err, me ... doth protest too much. “Let’s forget about Sally for the moment and get back to...”

Carl and Mike’s heads both whipped toward me fast enough to give an old lady whiplash. “You know her name?”

“Well, yeah. She’s my friend.”

“Your friend, eh?” Carl turned toward Mike and started moving his fist toward his mouth while jabbing the inside of his cheek with his tongue.

“It’s not like that. Well, okay, maybe it’s a
little
like that.”

Fuck it. I was amongst friends.

* * *

High-fives commenced, and then I tried to steer us back on track. “Seriously, guys. What’s up with the masks and the pizza guy bullshit?”

Dave held up his hands. “Don’t look at me.”

I raised one eyebrow to express my dubious belief in his statement.

“Seriously. I’ve been sneaking blood from the hospital. The place is fucking chaos. They’re going through so much these days, they don’t even notice a few liters missing here and there. I mean, sure, there’s been a couple of terminal patients too, but you can’t blame a guy for experimenting a bit.”

Now
that
was the Dave I knew. “Keep going. I’m listening.”

“After I took over ... I mean, made my coven, I started sneaking things out to them – blood, the occasional fresh corpse, shit like that.”

“So then what was the problem?”

“Seriously, man,” Adam said, addressing my former DM, “that was weak. I mean, you can’t turn us into the unholy fiends of the night and then ask us to gnaw on the equivalent of a dog bone.”

“Adam’s right,” Mike added. “I mean, that’s like asking someone who was just bitten by a radioactive spider to not hang from the ceiling.”

I really didn’t like where this was going. “And?”

“So we acted the part, of course. Was kind of messed up at first, but then Carl said...”

“I can speak for myself, thank you. I was like, we could be the motherfucking Lost Boys. Those fuckers kicked all sorts of ass, got all the chicks, and were badass cool ... minus the eighties mullets and that poster of Rob Lowe.”

“Yeah, what the fuck was up with that?” Mike asked absently.

“I’m pretty sure that was in Corey Haim’s room, not the Lost Boy’s lair,” I replied before shaking my head in disbelief. Fuck me! They’d all become killers just to emulate some stupid fictional bad guys from an era that almost rivaled the seventies in tackiness? “Forget the fucking movie. You guys are hunting down people. Real, innocent people.”

“Innocent is really a subjective concept,” he replied. “Besides, we started off with lowlifes and gang members ... real Dark Knight shit.”

“So what happened?”

“They eventually got the hint and moved out of the neighborhood.”

“So, you decided the pizza guy was the next great evil to be purged from this Earth?”

“To paraphrase,” Carl said, “‘You can either die a hero, or live long enough to become the bad guy.’”

“You’ve only been vampires for a few months,” I pointed out.

“We get bored easily.”

“Besides, it’s not like you would do any different,” Adam added, scoffing. “Remember when Kelvin found that lightning rapier? That piece of shit was just plus one, yet you started a fight at the first inn we came across because you couldn’t wait to try it out. Killed the damned pub owner’s wife with a crit.”