The Tome of Bill Compendium Vol. 1 (Books 1-4) (102 page)

“What the fuck, dude?”

“The princess was specific in her orders,” he said calmly. “None but she are to wed the Freewill.”

Holy fuck!
That
was the thing to snap him out of his compulsion!?

“I have fulfilled my duty,” he continued with a smile. “I can die with honor.”

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Motherfucking Gan!

Before I could turn to address the table, an earth-splitting roar of rage caught my ear. I spun back around to find looks of outrage on the faces of each and every Bigfoot in the place. Grulg stood and pointed a massive finger at Nergui.

Ten of the creatures immediately rushed forward from the sidelines. They descended upon Gan’s overly loyal minion, clawing and tearing. He didn’t even put up a fight. In fact, he was still smiling when he finally disappeared from my sight. Within moments, I saw the telltale flash of fire that said Nergui was no more. Just like that, he was gone, but the beasts didn’t stop there. Driven into a frenzy of rage, they continued to stomp and pound on his ashes.

Oh, crap. How the fuck did this happen? We were so close.

“Listen, Grulg, Turd. I...”

But, it was too late. Turd stood, once again firmly in charge, and shouted, “
WAR DECLARED!
”

Fuck me sideways with a jackhammer.

* * *

Pandemonium erupted. Howls and cries rose up all around us. Flashes of energy could be seen in the stands as myriad creatures readied themselves for battle. In the midst of it all, I sat back down in my seat, utterly stunned.

“What do we do now?” Tom asked.

“Fucked if I know,” I answered honestly. I again looked around. Aside from Nergui, there didn’t appear to be much bloodshed...yet; however, there was a lot of angry posturing.

Across the table, I saw Turd lunge out of his seat, but several of the Sasquatches present restrained him before he could dive across the table at us. With a nod from Grulg, they began dragging him away...whether to save him from the fight that was about to break out, or for another fate...well, who knew.

I looked up at the glowing orb of death that just hung there while everything went to Hell around us. Maybe there was still a chance to salvage this.

“Excuse me!” I shouted to it, my voice barely heard above the din. The entity flashed once, which I took as acknowledgement to go on. “Is there any way you can...”

“A DECISION HAS BEEN REACHED IN THIS ACCORD,” it interrupted. “UNFORTUNATE THOUGH IT MAY BE, MY DUTY HERE IS CONCLUDED. FAREWELL, FREEWILL.”

“What? Hold on a...”

Before I could finish the sentence, there was an incredible crash of thunder and lightning. It was utterly blinding and deafening. When at last it subsided, the moderator was gone. Silence returned to the area...for a moment anyway.

“Oh, yeah? Well, fuck you too!” I barked at the empty space it had occupied just moments earlier.

“I’m sure that’ll help,” Sally commented.

“
Freewill!
” one of the creatures across the table cried. “
Kill the Freewill!
”

Another joined in. “
Kill the Tlunta!
”

Oh, crap.

Before they could make good on their threats; however, a roar drowned them all out. It was Grulg. Fuck! I remembered what he said would happen if we went to war. Just like that, I once more found myself unsure that any of us were going to make it out of there alive.

Once again, though, Grulg surprised me.

“
No!
” he commanded, catching many of the Sasquatches’ attention. “
This sacred place. Under truce.
” He leaned across the table and looked me in the eye. “
Truce remain until sun come up. Leave this place...now.
”

Some of the others looked as if they were about to raise a protest, but Grulg shouted them all down. Eventually they began to back off. It was odd. Had it been my side that had the superior numbers, I’m not sure we would have let them walk away to regroup.

One by one, the Sasquatches heeded the order. They turned and left. Grulg was the last to go. Our eyes met just before he turned away. I could have sworn there was the ghost of a smile on his face. In the end, he had gotten what he wanted...his honor. Maybe there was something to that after all.

* * *

The witnesses to this cluster fuck of a peace conference quickly took the hint. Many of them beat feet out of the area. Others disappeared in a flash of light. A few even melted away into nothingness. While this went on, I sat there with my friends, none of us speaking, just watching it happen. Little by little the crowd dispersed until only a few beings remained. At last, a white-robed figure caught my eye. Christy was walking toward us.

Tom stood to meet her. I shrugged to Ed and Sally, then rose to join him. Christy had been supportive of me in the end. The least I could do was face the music like a man.

She gave her boyfriend a hug before turning to me. There was a momentary pause in which I wondered if I was about to get blasted, but then she said, “Just tell me you didn’t plan for that to happen.”

“Not for a second,” I replied.

“I believe you.”

“Thanks. I mean that.” I took a deep breath before continuing. Unfortunately, the next part had to be asked. “So what side are you guys on in all of this? Is it safe to assume whatever one I’m
not
on?”

She looked thoughtful for a moment. “The Magi have traditionally been neutral in these affairs. But...”

“But, now I’m around - the so-called great harbinger of doom, right?”

She nodded. “There is that.”

“Do you believe it?”

“Believe what?”

“That I’m actually going to bring about the rise of these...Icons? After everything you’ve seen, do you really believe that I’m purposefully going to destroy anyone?”

There was no answer at first, but then she shook her head. “No, I’m beginning to think the prophecy must be wrong. Maybe we’ve...misinterpreted it.”

“Although the way Bill’s luck seems to be...” Tom added.

“Tell me about it,” I sighed. “For all I know I’ll open a can of Coke tomorrow...and POOF, it’ll somehow be the magical resting place of an army of infernal destruction.” A little chuckle broke out amongst the group.

“Either way,” Christy continued, “I’ll try to talk to my coven. Hopefully they’ll realize we’re going to be busy enough in the days ahead.”

“I appreciate that,” I replied, meaning every word of it. “Not to push my luck, but could I maybe ask for another favor?”

“What?”

“Is it safe to say you’ll be apparating out of here, or whether the hell you guys do?”

She let out a small laugh. “You watch too many movies. But yes, we’ll be leaving this place via magical means.”

“Is there any chance you can take Tom and Ed with you?”

At that, Ed started to protest, but I held up a hand.

“Don’t argue. Despite what Grulg said, this place is bound to get unfriendly
real
fast. Between the Bigfeet and the vampires, everything here is going to want to either squash you, bite you...or worse.”

“Bill’s right,” Sally said, showing almost a modicum of concern.

Christy nodded. “I can do that. It’s pretty far, but I might be able to get a few of my sisters to help.”

“Just tell them Bill tried to eat us,” Tom said, eliciting a chuckle from me.

“Not the way you smell,” I replied.

“Same to you, bro,” he smiled back. “I wish we all used Dial right about now.”

“What about you and Sally?” Ed asked.

“Don’t worry about us. I’m hoping we can bum a ride with James.” I pointed toward the far end of the small valley where I could see his and Francois’s respective groups waiting. Neither looked particularly pleased.

“Or maybe we can find where Grulg parked our Jeep,” Sally added.

“Yeah,” I said with a grin. “Maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll have gassed us up and washed the windows too.”

* * *

“You’ve killed us all. You realize that don’t you?” Francois spat, breaking the silence.

After seeing Tom, Ed, and Christy off, we had rejoined the two groups of vampires waiting for us. We were all walking down the trail leading away from the scene of the failed conference. The woods around us were almost deathly quiet. It was like Turd, Grulg, and the rest of their fun bunch had simply disappeared. It was kind of spooky to tell the truth.

“He did nothing of the sort,” James replied, stepping between us. “Alas, I fear this may have actually been my fault.”

“Your fault?” I asked.

“Yes. I obviously hadn’t thought things through. Gan’s wishes combined with Nergui’s hurt honor...I had no idea the two would prove to be such an explosive combination.”

“Don’t let him off so easily,” Francois said. “Were it not for his meddling, peace would have been assured and we would have all come out of this ahead.”

Sally pointed an accusing finger at him. “Yeah, but you would have come out a lot more ahead, isn’t that right?”

“What of it, you insipid little slut? In matters such as these, there are always winners and losers. Now, though, we are
all
losers thanks to this inept clod.”

“Don’t blame me, asshole,” I fired back. “This whole thing happened because of
you
.” James raised an eyebrow at that, so I said. “Yeah, it’s true. This French fried fuck caused it all. He somehow got the Sasquatches to attack the Khan just to set this whole thing up. All so he could become the fucking syrup king of Canada. Isn’t that right?”

Francois stood back and sneered. “So what if it is? What does it matter? I removed an enemy and set myself up for a great reward. Don’t fool yourself into thinking I’m the first of our kind to do so.”

James’s eyes momentarily turned black; however, he somehow managed to control himself. He took several deep breaths before asking, “You risked war over something as petty as monetary gain?”

“Have you not been listening? There would have been no war. This whole conference was nothing but a ruse. Turd and his minions were pathetically easy to bribe. The First’s negotiators alone would have most likely cost a thousand times what it took to sway that lummox.”

“I’m sure they would have,” I said. “But you cheaped out and killed them instead.”

“What?” Francois replied, his eyes narrowing. “Their disappearance was fortuitous, I admit, but if you are daring to imply...”

“Don’t bullshit a bullshitter,” I snapped. “After all this, are you seriously trying to claim you didn’t have them offed?”

“Actually he did not,” a voice replied from just inside the tree line. “
I
removed them from the equation.” A figure stepped out toward us. It was Alex. “The act was regrettable, but alas necessary.”

“What the hell!?” I sputtered, completely flummoxed.

Did he just...? The entire thing had come from completely outta left field, catching me entirely off guard. Before I could even begin to digest this
confession
, though, I realized that Alex, Sally, and I were the only ones still standing. All of the rest, James and Francois included, had fallen to one knee.

“Lord Alexander!” James exclaimed from his prostrate position.

“My liege!” Francois likewise bellowed.

Sally and I exchanged a glance. “Did I miss something here?” I asked her.

“Don’t look at me. I didn’t get the memo either.”

“On your knees!” hissed James. “Do you not know who that is?”

“Uh...no.”

Alex simply smiled and walked over. “Well, then allow me to introduce myself. My name is Alexander.”

“I kind of guessed that,” I replied drolly.

“More commonly known,” he added, “As Alexander of Macedon.”

The name didn’t ring a bell so I just stood there, waiting for him to continue.

“Son of Philip of Macedon...”

I just shrugged.

Sally reached over and smacked me upside the head. “
Alexander the Great
, stupid.”

“Oh...OH!” I said, realizing whom she meant. I probably should have joined the others down on my knees. We were in the presence of a two-thousand-plus-year-old vampire; not only that, but one of the most legendary conquerors of all time. Unfortunately, right then my mouth remembered that it had a mind of its own. Instead of saying something humble and respectful, I asked, “So was your mother really as hot as Angelina Jolie?”

* * *

There were shocked gasps from all around and I realized why. If this guy was as old as I thought, he was undoubtedly one of the Draculas...and they were not known for their sense of humor.

Even Sally took a step back, as if afraid of getting splattered by my impending dismemberment.

Instead, Alex actually chuckled. “You do continue to surprise me, Freewill. It is most refreshing, and in answer to your question...no. Had she been, I most likely would have never left Greece.”

“Forgive him, my lord,” James said. “He’s young and...”

“Stupid?” I asked. One didn’t need to be a master of mad libs to be able to fill in that blank.

Alex ignored me, though. He stepped over to where James still knelt. “Ah, Wanderer. It is good to see you again.” He put one hand on James’s shoulder. Oh, crap. I hoped I wasn’t about to see the Draculas’ wrath firsthand. It would be totally unfair to make James an example for my failures...not that vampires had any real sense of what’s fair.

Fortunately, rather than do something dickish like that, Alex said, “Rise, Wanderer. The First kneel to no one, not even those of our coven.”

Whoa!

“My lord?” James asked, perhaps the first time I had ever heard him unsure of himself.

“You heard me. I choose you to fill your sire’s place. You have proven yourself more than worthy.”

“What?” Francois hissed, rising. “I protest. This is...”

“This is
my
will,” Alex said, the threat evident in his voice. “Or would you challenge that?”