The Tome of Bill Compendium Vol. 1 (Books 1-4) (97 page)

“Please tell me you’re still packing those silver slugs,” I said, making it back outside.

“Never leave home without them,” Sally replied with a sly grin. That was good. Silver didn’t mix well with vampire blood. Right about then, Francois’s leg should be starting to look like a giant Roman candle. Unfortunately, I had no idea if it would have the same effect on Turd.

“Think it’ll stop them?” Ed asked.

A bellowing roar answered before I could. Yep, that was about what I expected.

“Sally, you take Ed and make a run for it. I’ll try to hold them off.”

“Really?”

“No, not fucking really! Do I look batshit crazy to you?” I yelled, bolting for the tree line.

* * *

“Crippled or not, we can’t outrun them as this pace,” Sally stated. She was right. Our vampiric speed was one thing, but Ed was still human. Though arguably in better shape than I was, he wasn’t exactly a long distance sprinter (
I had once heard him say, “People who have time to jog should get a second job.”
). I wasn’t about to leave him behind and thus had matched his pace. Sally, in a surprising show of humanity, had done likewise.

“I’m open for suggestions.”

“You could leave me behind and try to find help,” Ed said.

“No way, dude.”

“Good,” he replied with a grin. “Because if you had said yes, I would’ve shot you in the back.”

“Asshole.”

“If you two are finished verbally blowing each other,” Sally growled, “we could use a real plan.”

Another roar followed by a splintering crash told us that the Sasquatch leader was on the move. If we were going to come up with something above and beyond
let Turd run us down and tear us limb from limb
it would have to be soon.

“It sounds like there’s only one of them,” Ed said. That made sense. As I had noticed earlier, the settlement had looked deserted. The other Bigfeet had presumably been sent ahead to prep for the day’s events. Still, I would have expected at least a few guards. Was it possible that Turd was keeping his dealings with Francois under wraps from his own people?

Turd obviously kept some of his followers in the loop; that would explain the squatch that accused us of being defilers. On the other hand, there was Grulg. He was obviously not overly pleased with his leader’s antics. The big question was whether the majority of his people knew about this. Considering the empty village, I was willing to bet the answer to that was a big fat “no.” I had pretty much dismissed Turd’s technology fetish, but perhaps there was something to it after all. Maybe it was something we could use.

Another bellow echoed through the woods, this one a lot closer.

Shit! I wouldn’t be able to use anything against anyone if I got my head pounded into mush.

“We need to make a stand,” I shouted, before I could consider the idiocy of saying so. Seems the Dr. Death persona deep within my psyche was once again feeling brave. Oh, well, it was better than nothing...barely.

“We can’t outrun him in the woods, and we can’t hide either,” I explained. “But if we concentrate everything we have, we might be able to stop him.”

“I can dig that,” Sally said, loading a fresh clip into her comically oversized handgun.

“No killing,” I warned.

“Aw, you take all the fun out of my afterlife.”

“If we do that, we might as well sign the declaration of war ourselves.”

“Bill’s got a point,” Ed agreed.

“First time for everything,” Sally replied. “What about Francois?”

“Fuck him,” I said. “We light that asshole up like the Fourth of July.”

“Ooh,” she purred. “Now you’re making me all tingly inside.”

* * *

We got lucky and emerged into a small clearing. At the far side, we stopped and took cover amongst the trees. Sally and Ed aimed their weapons, while I readied the cattle prod just in case they didn’t stop him.

As we waited, inspiration hit me (
sorta
). “If he doesn’t go down, stop firing and try to draw him off.”

“Why?”

“I’ll jump on his back and bite him.”

“Will that work?”

“Beats the fuck out of me,” I replied.

Sally and Ed both exchanged doubtful glances. Gotta love their faith in me. Oh, well, fuck it. It’s not as if they had anything better to offer.

We hunkered down and waited. The second Turd showed his ugly face we were going to give him a twenty-one bullet salute.

Only he didn’t show up. Only seconds earlier, it had sounded like he was right behind us, but now it was quiet - too quiet.

Oh, fuck! Suddenly I remembered that these guys weren’t just giant, foul-smelling apes. They were giant, foul-smelling
forest spirits
. Trying to catch Turd in an ambush would be like a bunch of backwoods rednecks hoping to master the intricacies of the NYC subway system on their first try. A sinking feeling hit my gut; however, that almost immediately paled in comparison to the feeling that hit the back of my head.

*
WHAM
*

One second I was thinking how fucked we were going to be, and the next I was sent flying, completely clear on the concept of how fucked we actually were.

I landed hard, eating dirt (
I hoped
) as the sound of gunfire erupted behind me.

* * *

I was lifting myself from the ground, when a foot planted itself squarely in my back, forcing me down. It was way too small to be Turd’s.

“You disappoint me, Freewill,” said Francois. “Such a strategy would have been pathetic for a two-year-old, much less a being of your
legendary
status.”

I tried to spit out a witty retort, but my face was pressed down into the dirt.

“What was that?” he asked, bemused. “Sorry, I didn’t catch you?” The foot lifted off me, but almost immediately impacted into my side. I rolled over onto my back with a gasp of breath. Francois’s foot came down onto my chest, again pinning me in place and cracking a few ribs for good measure.

I blinked the debris out of my eyes and looked to find him grinning down at me. “I believe you dropped this,” he said, bringing up a bloodied hand and dropping something from his fingers.

The bullet plinked off my forehead (
ouch
). I looked at the leg holding me down. There was a massive gash in it, partially cauterized. Goddamn! The crazy asshole had dug the bullet out with his own fingers. This guy was hardcore.

The sounds of battle caught my attention from behind Francois. It was a tree splintering, followed by a cry of pain...Sally.

I struggled to sit up, but he just pressed down even harder. It was getting difficult to breathe.

“No no no, Freewill. Let us not interrupt. Turd would be ever so cross if we intervened in his fun. You really should have taken my offer. Your friends are still going to die, and now you’ll be left with nothing.”

“Nothing?” I spat back. “I can still rat you out.”

“And who would believe you? You are the aggressor here after all. You came to Turd’s village to assassinate him. It just so happened that you failed.”

“Assassinate?”

“Yes. You obviously got past my guards - probably even killed them - in your mad quest to start a war. We even have the wounds to prove it now.” Francois’s sneer grew ever more arrogant. “Why, if Turd wasn’t so busy killing your little trollop, I would almost consider thanking her for setting this up so perfectly.”

As he rambled, I began feeling around with my hands for something I could maybe use as leverage to get him off me. I didn’t stand a chance against him or Turd, but I’d be damned if I was going to let either of these shits kill my friends without trying to do something about it. All I needed was a rock, a branch or a...my hand closed upon something even better.

“I’ll tell you this, asshole. Your plan is pretty ballsy.”

“Isn’t it, though?” he replied.

“Yeah...pity that you aren’t,” I said, bringing the cattle prod up and slamming it into his smarmy French crotch.

There was an instant satisfying sizzle (
although don’t ask me about the smell, let’s just say it’s going to be a while before I can enjoy fried salami again
) and Francois let out a yelp. He actually backed up a step, letting the pressure off me, but sadly, that was it. A shock powerful enough to knock a buffalo on its ass was little more than a joy buzzer to a vamp of his age.

He swung and knocked the weapon from my hand. It was little more than a casual swat for him, but I felt at least two of my fingers break. Goddamn, this guy was tough. If only...

Jesus Christ, sometimes I can be such a fucking moron. I have this nasty tendency to forget that I have a few tricks up my own sleeve.

Quickly, before my rational mind could talk me out of it, I tried to sit up. As expected, Francois aimed a kick at my head. Stupidly for him, he did it with the same leg that had been holding me down...the leg with a still oozing wound. I let him catch me square on the mouth with it, sinking my teeth into the still raw flesh without really being aware I was doing it.

I wrapped my arms around his leg, and held on for dear life as I bit deep into his thigh (
damn, if that didn’t sound a bit fruity
). The force from the blow would have probably knocked me flat out unconscious had I not managed to get a mouthful of blood at the same time. I swallowed and it hit my gut like a flamethrower. Immediately I felt myself powering up. Time to go
Super Saiyan
, motherfucker.

Francois screamed as I dug in like a tick. I felt his fist slam into the side of my head and for a moment was pretty sure I had been decapitated. Fortunately, his blood had also kicked my vampiric healing into overdrive. I bit deeper and felt my cracked skull knitting itself back together. One more crunch and I found what I was looking for. A massive gush of blood washed over me as I chewed through Francois’s femoral artery (
or whatever it’s called...I leave the anatomy shit to my friend Dave
). I sucked it down as quickly as I could. I was going to need the extra juice.

Finally, with one last gulp, I shoved Francois away before he could try and punt a field goal with my head again. He went flying back, nearly to the edge of the clearing.

I stood up, feeling his power course through me. Suddenly a worried thought hit me. I waited for a second; however, no change came over me. A moment later, I realized why. As amped up as I was (
and believe me, I felt like I could bench a truck
), Francois’s blood wasn’t as strong as that which had transformed me two days prior. Heck, it wasn’t even in the same ballpark.

That was a sobering thought. Somewhere out there was a vamp whose power made James and Francois look like children comparatively.

I was brought out of my ill-timed reverie by another of Turd’s growls from off in the trees. My friends! Hopefully I wasn’t too late. I turned to where Francois lay. Amazingly, he was getting back to his feet. His leg was still gushing, but even as I watched, I could see the flow beginning to slacken. With the silver bullet out of his leg, his healing was starting to kick back in. Still, he had lost a lot of blood. He was currently no match for me and he knew it.

“Enjoy your friends’ funeral,
assassin
.” He turned and ran. Even with his mangled leg, he was gone from my sight within moments. His speed was now mine as well, though. I turned toward where I had heard the sounds of battle. The world seemed to slow as I accelerated far past my normal limits. Maybe there was still time.

* * *

Yep, there was still time.

“Hurry up and fucking reload!” I heard Sally’s voice from up ahead. “I can’t do this all day.”

In the space of a heartbeat, I came upon them. Ed was busy jamming shells into his shotgun. Sally, being both faster and more durable, was playing a dangerous game of chicken with Turd - a game she couldn’t win.

From the look of things, Turd had already bounced her off a few rocks. Her left arm hung at a bad angle, one side of her face was bruised almost beyond recognition, and blood flowed freely from a gash on her scalp. Still, she continued bobbing and weaving, trying to stay just out of his reach.

“
She-tlunta give up and Turd make death painless,
” the chieftain of the Sasquatch growled, taking another swing at her. Sally backed up, but her feet got tangled in the brush. She went down.

“
Turd lie!
” he screamed gleefully, then leapt. Sally’s eyes opened wide as he flew at her. Then they opened even wider as a blur of motion (
that’d be me
) slammed into Turd, mid-leap, driving him into, then through a tree.

“It’s about time,” I heard her gasp.

“You’re wel...” was all I was able to get out before Turd backhanded me off of him. I went flying and once more landed ungracefully in the dirt. It hurt a lot more than when he had hit me the day before. I needed to remember that this battle wasn’t going to be as easy. I had Francois’s strength, but for all I knew I was still heavily outclassed by Turd.

Oh, well, only one way to find out. I got back to my feet and faced the now extremely pissed off Bigfoot leader. I raced forward and drove a fist into his gut. He let out a heavy “Oof!” but then nailed me with his own swing, easily knocking me aside. It felt like being hit by a freight train. Once again, I felt my overcharged healing kicking in to mend bone. Still, the exchange had answered my question. I was faster, but Turd was definitely stronger.

Oh, well, I could still use that. I had been in enough scrapes to know a thing or two about facing down a superior opponent. I just had to time things right. If I could bring Turd down to my level, I could maybe stun him enough for us to get away.