The Tome of Bill Compendium Vol. 1 (Books 1-4) (96 page)

* * *

“Motherfucker,” I gasped.

“We got the asshole,” Sally said, a wicked smirk coming over her face.

“Yep. Ed, get a photo.”

“What?”

“Take a picture.”

“With what?”

“Didn’t you bring your cell phone?”

“Why the fuck would I do that? If you wanted photos you should have brought your own fucking phone.”

Oh, crap.

“Sally?”

“Don’t look at me.”

“Goddamn it!”

“Relax,” she said. “Look, they’re leaving.” Sure enough, they started walking off together.

“How cute,” I replied. “It almost looks like they’re on a date.”

Ed remarked, “For Francois’s sake, I hope he’s the pitcher and not the catcher.”

I had to cover my mouth to keep from snorting laughter at that one. Asshole.

Finally, the unlikeable duo disappeared from sight, seemingly headed toward Turd’s hut. Who knows, maybe Francois had a real case of jungle fever after all. Unfortunately, that brought on a case of the chuckles again.

“If you’re through amusing yourself, let’s go,” Sally said.

“Go where?”

“Inside there, moron,” she indicated the large hut. “There might be some proof as to what those two are up to.”

Oh, yeah. I had been so preoccupied with the thought of Francois riding himself some giant monkey meat, I had almost forgotten about that part.

I mentally got back into the game. I felt we were close. I didn’t know what awaited us, but I was sure we were on the precipice of something big. Whatever was inside that dwelling was important enough for Francois to gamble the fate of the world over. Surely, the risk to our lives would be worth it to prevent global Armageddon.

I just hoped we didn’t have to find out whether or not that was true.

We took it slow and made our way across the outskirts of the village. No point in fucking this up when we were so close. Finally, we made it. We emerged from the brush behind our target.

“Should we make a hole?” I pointed toward the back of the building.

“No, it’s clear,” Sally replied. “Let’s try the front door. We just need to be quick about it.”

“Okay. Ed, maybe you should stay here and cover our rear.”

“And maybe you should suck my dick. No way am I missing this.”

I glanced at Sally. She gave an unconcerned shrug, then started forward. At the edge of the clearing, she stopped and looked around. Seeing nobody, she crouched down and waved us forward. The three of us crept toward the entrance about twenty feet hence.

I don’t think any of us let out so much as a breath until we were safely inside the structure. Once there, we stopped to listen. I didn’t hear any sounds, but just to be safe I turned to Sally. She quickly shook her head, so we continued forward. The back of the entranceway was concealed by a rough curtain of what looked to be various animal pelts stitched together. I pushed it to the side and stepped through. As I waited for my eyes to adjust to the darkness within, Ed flipped on the flashlight attached to his shotgun.

It wasn’t a barracks or a meeting hall (
thank God for that former
).

“It’s a warehouse,” I whispered.

“Or a distillery,” Ed said.

Crudely made wooden barrels filled the area, save for the far end. There, a series of large cauldrons rested over a bed of coals.

“Do you smell that?” Sally asked.

“Sasquatch ass?”

“No, besides that. It smells...sweet.”

“Sugar-coated Sasquatch ass?” I ventured, earning myself an eye-roll.

She stepped up to one of the barrels. “It’s coming from inside of these.” It was capped, but little things like breaking and entering weren’t a concern for a person such as Sally. Extending her claws, she dug them in until she found purchase, then easily pried the top off.

Ed and I both stepped forward to look. Inside was a thick, viscous liquid.

“What is it?” Ed asked.

“Sally’s right. It does smell sweet.”

“That doesn’t answer my question,” he rightly pointed out.

“True enough,” Sally said. “Only one way to find out.” She reached forward and dipped two fingers into the substance. “Hmm, it’s sticky. I wonder...”

“Wonder what?”

Before either my roommate or I could say anything else, Sally’s other hand shot out and grabbed Ed by the throat. His mouth opened in surprised and she jammed her fingers into it.

“There,” she said brightly. “Is it what I think it is?”

“What the fuck?” I growled. “That stuff could be...”

“Syrup,” Ed said, licking his lips - the surprise evident on his face.

“What?”

“You heard him, simpleton,” replied a smarmy voice from behind us. “It’s maple syrup. Now kindly step away before you contaminate the whole batch.”

* * *

“So now you know,” Francois said. He and the massive form of Turd stood there, blocking our escape. “The question is what do we do with you now?”

“Ignoring the whole ‘what the fuck are you talking about’ part for the moment,” I replied, “how did you know we were here?”

“
Smelled Tlunta coming,
” Turd answered. Oh, yeah. We forgot about throwing ourselves into Sasquatch crap to cover our scent. Argh! What a bunch of fucking idiots we were. On the upside, at least we weren’t caught covered in shit. That would have been fairly embarrassing...not to mention kind of nasty when Sally jammed her fingers into Ed’s mouth.

“Fair enough,” I replied, trying to buy time...for what, I had no idea. “Now we can get back to my main point: what the fuck are you talking about?”

“As if you didn’t know.”

“Actually I don’t,” I said honestly.

“Don’t try and...” Francois stopped and looked thoughtful for just a moment. “You really have no idea?”

“Nope.”

“Me neither,” Sally replied.

“I got nothing,” Ed added.

“
They lie!
” Turd growled, taking a step toward us.

Oh, crap. Even armed as we were, we stood absolutely zero chance against both of them together. Francois appeared willing to talk, but if Turd decided we needed to die a grisly (
and sticky
) death, I was willing to bet that Francois would be more than willing to lend a hand.

Thinking quickly, I decided to do what I did best when confronted by deadly hell-beasts...bluff my ass off.

“We’ve already done this dance, Turd,” I snarled, taking my own step forward...coming disturbingly close to being within his reach. “You lost. Try me again and I’ll chew you up and spit you out like the little shit you are.” (
Did I just imply that I eat shit?
)

To my incredible relief, Turd actually hesitated. It gave Sally and Ed both a chance to level their respective weapons at him, hopefully adding to my threat.

Still, if Turd smelled us coming I had little doubt he’d soon catch a whiff of our desperation. I needed to keep talking and hope for a break.

“Is it really worth it, you two? Seriously, you’d both risk war over...syrup?”

“War?” Francois spat. “You honestly don’t know what this is about, do you?”

“That’s what we said.”

“Turd, stand down. I don’t think that will be necessary.” The monstrous ape turned toward him with a glare, to which Francois quickly added, “Please, your mightiness. It behooves none of us to resort to bloodshed...for now.”

Mollified, Turd relaxed and stepped back. I wasn’t sure if Francois was genuinely afraid of him or just kissing his hairy ass, but whatever the case, it worked. I nodded to my friends and they lowered their guns. This was the break we were hoping for. Now we just had to make use of it. The trick was going to be getting these two psychos to talk and then figuring out some way to make a break for it. I tried thinking back to my high school chemistry classes. Was maple syrup explosive? Nah, probably not.

“There will be no war, Freewill. There was never going to be,” Francois said in a confident tone.

“So then why the hell are we all out here in Bumblefuck, Canada?” Sally asked, not really helping things.

“
Stupid Tlunta. You here because Turd is smart. I know worth of sacred trees. Worth that others will pay dearly for.
”

“So...you want to be a lumber baron?” I asked, confused.

“No!” Francois exclaimed. “My god you are dense. I’ve already said it. The syrup, it’s worth its weight in liquid gold.”

My friends and I exchanged dubious glances with one another. I was fairly sure none of us had been expecting that. Hell, I suddenly wasn’t sure that we hadn’t somehow walked onto the set of some weird-ass reality TV show. This was almost too fucking surreal to be happening.

“So let me get this straight,” I said, indicating the barrels behind me. “This whole thing: the conference, the threat of war, everything...is all so you two can corner the worldwide syrup market?”

“He who controls the maple, controls Canada,” Francois replied, an avaricious gleam in his eye.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Foolish child, do you not know the value of that which you stand before? Why in your country alone it’s a six billion dollar market.”

“Really?”

“Yes!” he cried, the crazy coming to the forefront.

“So all that shit from the other day, the ritual combat and all was a setup?” Sally asked.

“Quite true.”

“But what about Turd’s mate?”

At this, Turd chuckled. “
Turd have many mates. She was least favorite.
”

“Harsh, dude,” Ed commented.

“All’s fair in love and war,” Francois replied with a sneer. “There are always bound to be pawns in any chess game. Take the Khan for instance. The fat fool dared occupy my rightful seat on the First Coven.”

“That was all part of this too?” I stammered, not quite willing to believe a syrup-derived plot could be so far reaching. This shit would blow Scooby-Doo’s mind.

“Of course. We needed a way to bring all the parties to the negotiating table. He was a more than acceptable casualty.”

“And now that we know, we get to be acceptable casualties too, right?” Sally asked, gripping her gun tighter. “Just how I always wanted to check out, killed by Aunt Jemima.”

“So that’s how it’s going to be then, eh?” I asked, readying myself for an attack that was probably only moments away.

“There’s no need for that,” Francois said calmly. “Unless you force my hand, that is. Killing the tramp and the human would be inconsequential; however, killing the legendary Freewill would lead to uncomfortable questions. I would just as soon not deal with such.”

“But you have to know I’m going to rat you out,” I replied.

“Will you?”

“Uh, I’m pretty sure I just said I would.”

“That would be a shame. Then I couldn’t offer you a share of the profits in exchange for your silence.”

There was a pause in the conversation. Did this dickhead just offer me a bribe? He must’ve thought we had rocks in our head to...

“How much are we talking about?” Sally asked.

“What? Are you seriously...”

“I’m with her, Bill,” Ed said. “Let’s hear him out. He did say it was a six billion dollar industry.”

“Yeah but...” and then it hit me. Ed was right. I could stand on my principles and try to fight my way out of this mess...probably losing in the process. Or I could take a big fat paycheck, keep my stupid mouth shut, and walk out of here both wealthy, a hero, and without getting my ass kicked. Don’t get me wrong. I like to think of myself as a pretty ethical guy...but I’m not a fucking idiot.

I looked at my companions. They both nodded. Still, I had to consider the consequences of my actions. I’d be a hero, sure, but it would be undeserved. Also there was a good chance that this asshole would get credit for the peace talks and wind up winning the open slot with the Draculas. From what I had heard, they were already a giant cluster of dicks. Did I really want to make it worse by putting this douche on the ruling council, fucking over a friend - James - in the process?

On the other hand, not dying was definitely appealing. Fulfilling this would also get the Draculas’ off my back with regards to the debt they felt I owed them. Then there was the money. Not having to work again was a serious perk. I could buy myself a new computer. Hell, I could buy a nice car and new clothes. I could even afford to whisk Sheila away on a romantic weekend for two to someplace exotic like Aruba. But, would she respect me if she knew I had done this?

Fuck it! It’s not as if she would ever know. Should I ever confess my love to her, I doubt it would include a statement about selling out the vampire nation. That settled it. Aruba, here we come.

“I think we can make a deal,” I said. “Like Sally said, how much are we talking about?”

“Ten million at the very least,” Francois answered with a big grin.

Whoa! Papa gonna buy himself a very nice brand new bag. “Each or split three ways?” I asked - hey since we were negotiating.

“You misunderstand, Freewill,” Francois said. “There will be no split. The less who know about this, the better. As I said, their deaths are inconsequential.”

Uh oh.

I opened my mouth to protest. “Now wait just a...”

Unfortunately, I was a second too late. One of the barrels went flying over my head, slamming into Turd like a...syrup filled missile, I guess. The container shattered, drenching both Francois and him in the goop. Unfortunately, Turd didn’t budge an inch from the force of the impact.

“
Turd no like being sticky.
”

“You’ll regret th...” Francois didn’t get a chance to finish the threat as another barrel slammed into him. Sally’s aim was impeccable.

“Move,
now
!” she ordered, right before opening fire. Before Ed and I could even take a step, both Francois and Turd had each taken a fifty caliber slug in the leg. No way was it going to stop them, but it would hopefully make all the difference in a foot race - which is exactly what we found ourselves in; except instead of a gold medal, the prize was our lives.