The Tome of Bill Compendium Vol. 1 (Books 1-4) (144 page)

“Why? You can’t tell me you were bored.”

“Don’t make me deck you,” I said in response as we neared the vehicle.

I was about to say more, but stopped dead in my tracks as the sound of multiple footsteps caught my ear. “Guys, we’re not alone.”

We turned as a group to find three large men approaching us.

“Uh oh,” Tom sputtered. “I think we missed a few.”

“It figures,” sighed Ed. “I knew we recited that fucking spell wrong.”

“Stow it and get behind me,” I hissed as the brutes came closer.

They were clearly dressed for battle. They wore heavy leather armor adorned with furs. Multi-colored war-paint was slathered on their faces in a variety of tribal symbols. Worst of all, each carried a large, nasty looking battle-axe.

I tensed myself for action as the one in front stopped and looked me over.

There was a pause as his eyes locked with mine and then he turned to his companions and said, “I told you this was the right place. Nobody would name a town Renaissance and then not host a Ren-faire in it.”

The End

My name is Rick Gualtieri and I am privy to a secret that few mortals know; a secret which could change the face of civilization as we know it. You see, vampires, monsters, and magic all exist. There is an unbelievable underworld that exists right beneath our noses. Most of us never notice it...and if we’re lucky it never notices us back. My eyes have been opened, though. I’ve been lucky enough to have journeyed into that underworld and lived to tell the tale. One of their kind has taken me under his wing, so to speak, and allowed me to spread his story to the world so that others may know his tale.

What follows is a series of interviews I conducted, following the events of
Scary Dead Things
, as I continued to research material for
my other books
. I have copied them here verbatim from the tapes I made of our sessions. Read them at your own risk, knowing that once you know the truth you can never unknow it. Sometimes the monsters under your bed are real.

Session 1: A Fucked-up Interview with the Vampire

Me:
Please state your name and tell me a little bit about yourself.

Bill:
My name is Bill Ryder, William Anderson Ryder actually. Dig how my initials spell out WAR.

Me:
Does anyone actually call you that?

Bill:
Not really. But it’s still kind of cool.

Me:
If you say so. So what are you, Bill?

Bill:
Well, I’m one of the senior programmers at HotScotchGames.com. They’re an online gaming company, which is probably obvious from the name. Anyway, their best seller is Egg Cru...

Me:
Not quite what I meant.

Bill:
Oh, sorry. Not sure why you’re asking me
that
. Haven’t we already gone over this shit before?

Me:
Yes. But this is an interview, remember? It’s a way to clear the air about your life, et cetera.

Bill:
Okay okay. Don’t get your panties in a bunch. I’m a vampire.

Me:
A real vampire, correct?

Bill:
No, I’m just some delusional dipshit who likes to wear capes, talk in a Eurotrash accent, and dump glitter all over myself. Of course I’m a real vampire (opens mouth and extends fangs). Do these look real to you?

Me:
Quite real. So tell me a little about vampires, then. For starters, what’s it like to live forever?

Bill:
Dude, I’m twenty-five.

Me:
But you’re immortal, right?

Bill:
I guess so, but right now I’m younger than you...by a fair amount I might add.

Me:
Fine. Perhaps that’s a question for another day. So then, what about your family and friends? Do they know you’re a vampire?

Bill:
Are you kidding? Mom and Dad freak out about enough shit as it is. My friends know, though. They’re cool with it.

Me:
Fascinating. What about any significant others?

Bill:
Well...

Me:
Are you seeing anyone?

Bill:
Sorta.

Me:
Sorta?

Bill:
Well...yeah...kinda. I’m not really sure. It’s complicated.

Me:
How so?

Bill:
She doesn’t really know we’re dating yet.

Me:
Uh huh. Maybe we should get back to vampires before we go completely off-topic.

Bill:
Oh yeah, sorry. So anyway, some of the stuff you’ve read about vampires or seen in the movies is real, but just as much of it is total bullshit.

Me:
Care to elaborate?

Bill:
Sure. On the real side is that living forever thing. There’s also the sun. If sunlight hits us we go all sparkly...as in like a Roman fucking candle. We’re talking barbeque city here. Vampires also disintegrate into ash when you kill them.
Buffy
,
Blade
, and
From Dusk Til Dawn
all got that part right, and as far as I’m concerned that’s about the extent of vampire-related entertainment that’s worth watching.

Me:
I kinda liked
The Lost Boys
.

Bill:
Aww. Did you have a poster of Rob Lowe in your bedroom growing up?

Me:
Err...anyway, getting back on track, what parts of traditional vampire lore are incorrect?

Bill:
Lots of it. For starters, forget all that shit about mirrors. If I look in a mirror you know what I see? My face staring out of it, that’s what. Then there’s garlic. Garlic is the same as with people. Some of us love it, some hate it. Personally I think some garlic salt in a glass of blood tastes pretty damn awesome. What else? Oh yeah there’s also crosses.

Me:
Crosses don’t work?

Bill:
More or less. Crosses don’t do jack by themselves. I could strip naked and roll around in a box of crucifixes and it wouldn’t do a goddamn thing.

Me:
Thanks for the imagery.

Bill:
No problem. The thing is, it’s all about belief. If you believe in a cross enough, it’ll work. But, here’s the catch - that applies to just about anything. If your mom believes in her dildo enough - *poof* - instant vampire slayer.

Me:
Truly a concept worth considering. Moving on, you’re the head of a clan of vampires correct?

Bill:
Coven. It’s called a coven of vampires.

Me:
Aren’t covens for witches?

Bill:
That’s what I thought. But no...oh, and don’t get me started on witches. My roommate, Tom, is banging one and what a fucking psycho bitch she is. The other day...

Me:
I’ll be talking to Tom in another interview, so we can cover it then. Back to your coven...

Bill:
Fine! You don’t want to hear my story, that’s just dandy. Fuck you too, dude.

Me:
Your coven?

Bill:
Yeah yeah. It’s called Village Coven because it’s located in the Village section of New York City. Real fucking original name isn’t it? Anyway, I wound up in charge after snuffing the previous head, a douchebag named Jeff, who just so happened to be the reason I’m going to spend all of eternity sucking down blood clots.

Me:
You killed Jeff? According to my notes, your partner...

Bill:
Does it really matter?! As far as the record goes, yes I killed Jeff - not Sally, me!

Me:
There’s no need to get your bat wings all ruffled.

Bill:
Don’t make me smack you.

Me:
I’ve heard some of the others I’ve spoken with refer to you as the Freewill. What is that exactly?

Bill:
Yeah, it’s another stupid name. Vampires seem to have a thing for them. But anyway the long and short of it is that it stands for the fact that I can’t be controlled by other vamps.

Me:
That’s odd, because I heard you talking on the phone to another vampire - Sally, I believe - and it sounded a lot like...

Bill:
No, that’s just her being a bossy bitch. I mean mind control. Older vampires can actually control younger vampires psychically. It’s called compulsion and pretty much all vampires can do it if they’re old enough. I’m the lone exception. It doesn’t work on me. Hence, Freewill.

Me:
That could be handy.

Bill:
Tell me about it. Vampires are a freaky bunch. Last thing I want is one of them getting into a mood and trying to command me to eat dog shit or suck his dick. No sir!

Me:
Is that all there is to it?

Bill:
No. It’s got some other perks, too. For example, I can drink another vampire’s blood. Before you say anything to that, you need to forget any shit you’ve seen on pay cable. It doesn’t work that way in real life. A normal vampire drinking another’s blood is kind of like you downing a bottle of Drano. Once again, except for me. Somehow I’m able to drink vamp blood and not only do I not puke my guts out, but it actually kind of amps me up for a while. I mean we’re talking
Hulk Smash
shit here.

Me:
And there’s the prophecy, too, right?

Bill:
Which one? Apparently there’re a ton of Freewill prophecies - both inside and outside of the vampire community. All crap as far as I’m concerned. This ain’t Hogwarts and my last name isn’t Potter. They can all take their prophecies and shove them so far up their asses that...

Me:
Thank you for that wonderful mental picture, I’m sure. Bill, it’s been a pleasure speaking with you.

Bill:
That’s it?! Don’t you want to know anything cool...like all the babes I’ve...

Me:
That’s quite alright. I have enough for this interview.

Bill:
Whatever. Just make sure you don’t forget to send me those royalty checks.

Session 2: Death Never Looked so Good

Me:
Your name is Sally, correct?

Sally:
Yes

Me:
Sally what?

Sally:
Sally is just fine, thanks.

Me:
Is that your real name?

Sally:
What do you mean?

Me:
Well, Bill implied your name starts with an L, like...

Sally:
Next question, meatsack.

Me:
Err, anyway. You’re a vampire like Bill, correct?

Sally:
Yes I’m a vampire, but no I’m not like Bill. I have a social life on the weekend.

Me:
Interesting distinction. Moving on, I know why Bill is speaking to me. However, I’m curious as to why you agreed to do so. After all, I’m led to believe that vampires as a whole don’t want the world to know they exist. Is that not correct?

Sally:
Two reasons really. One, Bill asked me to do this...about five hundred fucking times. I agreed so that he’d finally shut the fuck up. Secondly, let’s face facts; I’ve read the shit you write. How many people are actually going to believe you? Two, maybe three?

Me:
A few more than that I’d say.

Sally:
(rolls eyes) Whatever you want to believe. Bottom line is that if you were from someplace real - like say the New York Times - I’d have snapped your neck and fileted you by now. As it is, you’ll excuse me if I’m not too worried about the masses taking up pitchforks and torches against us.

Me:
When you put it that way... Getting back to the topic of vampires, how old are you exactly, Sally?

Sally:
Never ask a vampire her age, we tend to get all bitey about things like that. Suffice it to say I’m a bit older than Bill. Ballpark, looking at you I’d say your mom could have been one of my classmates.

Me:
You’re a member of Bill’s coven, correct? What’s it like to...

Sally:
No, I’m Bill’s
partner
. I run the coven with him. Think of it like Parliament and the Crown. Bill might be king, but I’m the prime minister.

Me:
In a lot of cultures the king is just a figurehead and the prime minster wields all the power.

Sally:
See? Not as stupid as you look. Oh by the way...my eyes are up here, mister. I catch your peepers heading south again and I’m gonna rip them out of your head.

Me:
Oh, sorry. No offense was meant, miss. Um, next question...how would you describe your relationship with Bill?

Sally:
(another eye roll) It’s complicated.

Me:
As in romantically?