The Tome of Bill Compendium Vol. 1 (Books 1-4) (146 page)

Me:
What exactly are you talking about?

Ed:
Delusions.

Tom:
Reality! I have an entire storage bin full of collectibles; action figures, comic books, baseball cards...you name it. One day it’s all going up on eBay and then BAM...I retire in style.

Ed:
You’ll be lucky to get pocket change for some of that shit.

Me:
Oh yeah...I seem to recall something about a specific action figure...

Ed:
Oh god, here we go.

Tom:
Yeah! Optimus Prime...mint out of the box. And Bill’s fucking vampire friends broke it.

Ed:
Never mind that they almost broke us, too! One stupid toy was a small price to pay, yet we
still
haven’t heard the end of it.

Tom:
Nor will you ever.

Ed:
Unless I kill you in your sleep...

Me:
Gentlemen, please. Let’s focus here. I have more questions.

Tom:
(holds up a fist) Optimus Prime, never forget!

Me:
Uh yeah. So anyway, to change the topic a bit...you’re both aware that Bill is a vampire, correct?

Ed:
Well yeah. I mean we’re the first people he told.

Me:
And you’re both okay with it?

Tom:
Hells yeah! It is fucking-A cool.

Ed:
I don’t know if I’d go that far, but yeah we’re fine with it.

Tom:
I’m better than that. Hell, our lives have gotten a shitload more exciting since then.

Ed:
And dangerous...don’t forget that.

Tom:
Not to mention the fringe benefits.

Me:
Excuse me?

Tom:
If Bill hadn’t become a vampire, I’d never have met my girlfriend, Christy. Let me tell you, that chick knows how to...

Me:
I’m sure we don’t need to go into detail.

Ed:
Thank you! I hear it enough as it is.

Me:
Although speaking of your girlfriend - isn’t she a witch?

Ed:
A semi-psycho one.

Tom:
All I’m hearing is more jealousy because I’m getting some on a regular basis. (back to me) Yeah she’s a witch, but it’s cool.

Ed:
Not to Bill.

Tom:
It’s fine. We have an arrangement.

Me:
An Arrangement?

Ed:
Christy wants Bill dead.

Me:
I can see how that could be an issue.

Tom:
Yeah, but it’s not a big deal. We have it all worked out. She’s not allowed to try to snuff Bill in our apartment.

Me:
And that works?

Ed:
No.

Tom:
Yeah. Trust me.

Me:
Speaking of trust, how do you both view Bill? After all, he is what most people would consider to be a bloodsucking monster.

Tom:
I’m more worried about waking up and finding Bill chewing on my dick than my neck.

Ed:
My god you are an idiot! (back to me) But in a nutshell, Tom’s right. I don’t worry about Bill. He’s our friend and we’re his. His vampire buddies on the other hand...

Me:
Like Sally?

Ed:
Um, well...

Tom:
Go on, tell him.

Me:
What?

Ed:
There isn’t much to tell. We went on one date.

Me:
You dated Sally,
and lived
?

Ed:
Obviously. Don’t get me wrong, she scares the ever bejesus out of me.

Tom:
But she’s a prime piece of ass if ever there was one.

Ed:
There is that.

Me:
I’ll agree on the scary part at least. So have things changed with Bill ever since he became a vampire.

Ed:
Yes and no. Like Tom said, things have definitely been more interesting. On the other hand, we’re still his best friends. If he gets in trouble we help him out and vice versa. Albeit the trouble he gets into as of late has been a lot more potentially lethal than before.

Tom:
Hell yeah. I can’t tell you how many of my toys have gotten broken because...

Ed:
Oh will you shut the fuck up about that already! You’re like a fucking five year old! (back to me) Bottom line is friends don’t abandon friends just because they’ve grown a set of fangs.

Me:
That’s a refreshing thing to hear these days.

Tom:
Yeah, that’s why he sleeps with a shotgun under his bed.

Ed:
I never said we had to be stupid about the whole thing.

Me:
Thank you, both. It’s been...fascinating.

Session 5: The Wicked Witch of the East (coast)

The following is the last of my taped sessions. It’s also the strangest, as I don’t recall having conducted it or even meeting the person I supposedly spoke with. Yet when I played back my tapes to transcribe these, there it was. Who knows what else I don’t remember? Perhaps I’ll never know. All I do know is that I’ve lived to tell my tale...for now.

Me:
Please state your name.

Christy:
My name is Christine Fenton...Christy for short.

Me:
It’s a pleasure to meet you, Christy. I’ll cut right to the chase. I’ve been told by your boyfriend, Tom McIntyre, that you are an actual witch.

Christy:
Yes I am.

Me:
Care to elaborate?

Christy:
I am a humble conductor of the power primal.

Me:
The power primal?

Christy:
The life-force that flows in and around us all.

Me:
Sounds very new-age.

Christy:
I personally blame the Wiccans’ for that. And before you ask, no they’re not real witches. Ever see one of them do this? (holds up a hand. A crackle of energy erupts from it a moment later)

Me:
No...I can’t say that I have. So you’re telling me that, much like vampires, magic is real?

Christy:
Oh most certainly. You’ve probably seen it yourself. A lot of people can tap into it slightly...just barely enough to notice. If you’ve ever had déjà-vu, a dream that came true, or even found your keys in a spot where they weren’t just a second ago...you’ve most likely had a brush with it. The only difference is that people like me, the Magi, can use it much more proactively.

Me:
So where’s your wand?

Christy:
Oh please, don’t start that. There are no wands. I don’t use my broom for anything other than sweeping. And no, I do not have a diploma from any school with the word
Hog
in its name. But if you’d like to see my version of
Avarda Kedarva
I’d be more than happy to oblige. I warn you though; it’s a bit messier than in the movies.

Me:
Err...maybe we should move along...

Christy:
Let’s.

Me:
So how did you end up dating Bill’s roommate, Tom.

Christy:
It’s kind of a funny story. My coven master...

Me:
I thought covens were...

Christy:
Yeah, I’ve heard that, too. Supposedly we stole the idea from vampires. Whatever. At least we give the word some class. Anyway, my master, Harry Decker, assigned me to ascertain whether or not Bill was the Freewill of our legends...

Me:
Harry Decker? I seem to recall Bill mentioning him...

Christy:
It’s bad mojo to interrupt a witch, you know.

Me:
Sorry. I’m just trying to ask about points of interest.

Christy:
Fine. I’ll let it slide for now. Anyway, of course Bill knows him. He’s the vice president of marketing at their company.

Me:
Oh

Christy:
He’s also the leader of my coven, a high adept of the magical arts.

Me:
Fascinating. Getting back to Bill, you have legends about the Freewill too?

Christy:
Yes. As I was saying, my master sent me to determine whether Bill was this vampire of legend. I got a job at the same place as his roommate and began to work my magic on him, figuratively speaking.

Me:
Really?

Christy:
Well okay, a little actual magic too. It didn’t take much though.

Me:
So you’re only dating Tom to spy on Bill?

Christy:
Well I
was
, but he kind of grew on me after a while. So now he’s really my boyfriend. What can I say, he makes me laugh.

Me:
And Bill?

Christy:
Nothing personal against him. He seems like an okay guy, but he still has to die.

Me:
Why?

Christy:
Because his coming heralds disaster for my kind. The Icons will rise again and smite us into the dirt.

Me:
Icons?

Christy:
Icons of Faith. It’s hard to explain, but Icons are rare people who have powers that make them deadly to both vampires and Magi. Their touch burns the undead and they can resist our magic. That Bill is the Freewill foretells their return as well.

Me:
That sounds like it would be just as bad for the vampires as for you.

Christy:
Tough noogies for them. At the end of the day, magic or not, I’m still a person. The vampires, well most of them are just monsters. They won’t be missed.

Me:
I see. So why are you telling me all of this? It sounds like an agenda you would probably want to keep under wraps.

Christy:
It’s no biggie. It’s not like you’re going to remember any of it.

Me:
I’m not sure I follow.

Christy:
It’s simple, silly. Watch (makes a few hand gestures...a few seconds go by and she starts to glow).

Me:
That’s fairly impressive. However, I don’t see what that’s going to...

*ZZZZAP!!!*

Me:
Ugh. Where am I? Who are you?

Christy:
You fell and took a nasty bump to your head.

Me:
I did?

Christy:
Yeah, but don’t worry. You look much better now. I think you’ll be just fine. (walks away)

Me:
Hey! Come back...huh, what’s this? (finds recorder in pocket) Man, I gotta stop doing those three margarita lunches.

This story takes place shortly after the events chronicled in
The Mourning Woods
- a sort of Christmas present to my awesome fans. With apologies to Charles Dickens...

Part 1

Finally! I was almost back home. I hated racing the sunrise to get back to my apartment. Sometimes the goddamned subway system seemed like it was purposely timed to make one miss their connection. If that N-train hadn’t been an express, I’d have probably wound up having to spend all day down in the station - a prospect that was only marginally more pleasant than getting turned into a pile of ash by the rays of the sun. I swear, Sally must get some perverse amusement in keeping me stuck in Manhattan with her until the wee hours of the morning...

Wait...with her for
what
? I skidded to a stop just as I reached the stairs leading up to my building. What the hell was I even out for? That was odd. For some reason I couldn’t remember what I’d been doing last night or why it had made me late. Sure, it was probably some coven-related bullshit. I mean it’s usually coven crap: forms to fill out, petty arguments to settle, determining what’s cool and what isn’t when it comes to killing people. My God, sometimes you’d think I was the babysitter for a bunch of preteen girls instead of leader of a group of vampires. Oh well, what did it matter anyway? Same shit, different day and all that. I was probably tired that’s all. I figured that maybe a good night’s...err day’s...sleep would jog my memory.

It couldn’t have been too important anyway
, I mused, walking up the stairs to the front door. I dug out my key so I could let myself in. From there I’d head up to the top floor apartment I shared with my human roommates, Tom and Ed. Whatever
urgent
business had kept me out could wait. Yeah, a pint of blood and then maybe a couple hours of sleep would do me well.