I was careful not to push it by complimenting Ys overmuch, and I think the simple nod passed her suspicion barriers well enough.
I'm turning into Kaoren.
Monday, October 6
Price of Together
I dreamed of my ghost-girl! She was dazed and non-responsive, but at least didn't seem injured. She was again sitting on the roof of a building, and with Tsur Selkie in mind I made sure to get good long looks in every direction. Then, conscious that last time I'd tried to do anything in this kind of dream it had immediately woken me up, I very cautiously tried to project my voice so she could hear, but I'm not sure if I managed it or not, only that I woke up feeling rather tired and dizzy.
Since I was still feeling rather tired and dizzy after breakfast was done, Kaoren took me off to medical, where I promptly fell back to sleep and dreamed of my ghost-girl again (still sitting on the roof). Kaoren had warned it was probably best not to try attempting communication again, and though I was tempted, the energy level it seems liable to take might be beyond me unless I was asleep in the Ena or something.
I'm scheduled for another experiment tomorrow, and I'm going to ask if I can try manifesting just the girl, rather than the place she's in. It's not something I've tried before – too afraid of making permanent Ionoth which roam free attacking Setari – but I think it's worth a shot.
I guess she really is a ghost though, since she's still 'there' after being speared. I asked Kaoren today whether what Earth people calls ghosts would count as Ionoth. It seems different to me. He's not entirely certain. Tarens do have stories about ghosts, but they're considered a version of Ionoth – memories of people.
Preliminary scripts for the first few episodes of the next season of
The Hidden War
have shown up. It's very interesting seeing what they're doing to reform Lastier to make the idea of him having a romance with me more believable. During the end of the last season they kept him pretty full of himself, and delightfully sarcastic, especially during the Arenrhon exploration, but emphasised the professionalism, and made sure that 'I' acted entertained by his cleverer remarks. And showed how completely his squad trusted him. They haven't put in any hint of obvious romance though, but just an underlying sense that there could potentially be something there.
The first episode will be an extra-long episode, starting with my log up to passing out in that bathroom, switching to the search for me, and then the rest of my log and then the discovery of my arrow and my rescue. Lastier stays supremely professional throughout, until news finally arrives of the arrow, and then they keep showing his reaction to things – the news that they're in range of me, that I'm critically injured, and then they get to me. And just for a moment his face shows how shaken he is, and he closes his eyes and struggles to put back a mask of cool evaluation. By the time people start watching my log and are being horrified about the Cruzatch he's enough the usual Lastier to snark about my fighting ability.
Amazingly (but perhaps fortunately) the kids hadn't discovered
The Hidden War
before Kaoren and I started discussing it over breakfast (although Sen's been watching that Setari Song Star show). Ys and Rye immediately looked for and found the first episode about me (neatly demonstrating how far they've advanced in their ability to use the interface, not to mention read/use the text-to-voice function).
The Hidden War
is classified the equivalent of PG for under-thirties, so we had to give permission for Sen to see it, and we watched it together instead of our usual after-dinner game. Ys wanted to know exactly what was true and what wasn't, and Rye was primarily caught up by the fact that Se-Ahn Surat looks nothing like me – and the discovery that both my eyes used to be the same colour. His reaction to Lastier was pretty much on par with Fourth Squad's.
It was a good opportunity to talk them through the problems caused by our notoriety, the impact that would have on them, and the fact that there was sure to be scripts in the future involving them. That was something we couldn't prevent entirely, but Kaoren told them that it was their decision as to whether anything 'true' about them was known, or if it was all left to scriptwriters to fabricate. I'd already made clear in my initial feedback that I wanted the kids kept out of the show as much as possible. Ys and Rye had already read quite a few news articles discussing the fact that Kaoren and I had expanded our family, but were of course less than impressed with the idea that there would be actors pretending to be them, and that a lot of people would believe that how they behaved on the show was what they were really like.
"Think over what you would prefer," Kaoren said. "The truth, an invented history, or leave them with nothing so that what they show is nothing of you."
Ys immediately vetoed making things up, looking at the script outlines given to us, it wouldn't be until the next season that it becomes an issue, but as our shopping trip has already shown them, a great many people are going to be interested in them.
Knowing more now about Nuran culture, I'm glad we didn't just let them disappear into the eight thousand. Until all the Nuran children are adopted, this system of servants and Houses and Zarath would have put Ys and Rye in a bad place, no matter what opinion Tarens and Kolarens have of it, and it was important to get my three out of that to cut short any threat of them being separated. Sometimes I think I'm doing them more harm than good, and sometimes I'm just enjoying the hugs too much to care.
I keep trying to think of ways I can help my ghost-girl as well, but I have to face the near-certainty that it's way too late for me to do anything for her.
Tuesday, October 7
Reversed Polarity
I thought at first that last night's dream was exactly the same, but after surveying the city I realised that my ghost-girl just hadn't moved, was still sitting dazed and confused on the same roof a day later.
For today's session Tsur Selkie agreed to let me try and project just my ghost-girl and not her surroundings, if I thought I could do that. I wasn't entirely sure, and I feel increasingly embarrassed at the prospect of failing these experiments when I now have four squads sitting in attendance. Second and Eighth were the spares this time, since Third has been sent to Muina.
It was a struggle. It felt like trying to push the wrong ends of two magnets together – I could feel more or less how I needed to go, but then my mind would slip off focus. I was just about to concede defeat when that slippery sense of repulsion reversed, and I felt like I was being pulled into something, and clutched at my test chair in a panic, convinced I was going to end up back in that horrible room again. My vitals skyrocketed, and the near-space all around me started distorting, making everyone feel heavier. Tsur Selkie sent most of the squads backward, and sharply ordered me to stop the test.
I said, "It isn't me," sounding thoroughly freaked out, and shuddered as the drag got even worse and just for a moment I thought I saw my ghost-girl, but then there was an awful piercing pain in my head, and I passed out. That last was the interface deciding to start growing again. They still have no idea why the interface reacts this way with me occasionally, and they're talking about uninstalling it completely until further notice. But we're learning all my foibles and so were at least ready for the possibility, quickly shutting it down. My eye was damaged, but not very badly, and I'll be piratical for only a short while.
I woke in medical to the news that at the exact time as my attempted projection, all the platforms and malachite marbles on Muina had reacted. It had lasted for only for the few seconds before I'd collapsed, but the satellites and drones busy scanning Muina's surface had picked up a power reading in a region where no malachite marble had as yet been discovered. A new place to search.
Kaoren has this tiny frown-line between his eyes that was never there before.
I wasn't the one projecting. I stopped as soon as I felt that heaviness, and something else went on. We have the rough location of another malachite marble in return, but if I hadn't passed out I'm not sure what would have happened.
Thursday, October 9
Hooked
I didn't dream of my ghost-girl last night. She dreamed of me.
Or I dreamed of her dreaming of me. At any rate, I could tell it wasn't like my normal dreams. I dreamed that I was asleep on the scan bed, and Kaoren was asleep in the low lounge chair they'd fetched in for him. The lights were at half setting, but I could see straight away when my ghost-girl showed up – just there, looking at me.
Kaoren woke up immediately – he tells me it was because of my energy output, not because the girl registered as a threat – and after a long look at the girl (who was staring fixedly at me) he said: "Her name is Cassandra."
The girl only gave him the barest glance. "What happened to her face?"
She was speaking old Muinan, and there was a pause (while Kaoren accessed a translator for the words he didn't understand), then he slowly said in the best old Muinan he could manage: "She was injured by a communication device. She has been dreaming about you. Do you have the same ability to see and create projections?"
The girl gave him a suspicious look. "Who are you?"
"My name is Kaoren. Cassandra and I are...hand fasted. Will you tell me your name?"
That earned him a long second look, then: "Liranadestar. Where is this place?"
Kaoren's eyes were very narrow, and I could tell people were giving him a lot of conflicting instructions on what to say to her. "This is a world called Tare, a planet that some of the inhabitants of Muina fled to after the spaces were shattered."
From the little frown, I guessed the girl didn't quite understand at least part of what he said, but wasn't willing to admit it. So like Ys, who hates to show any form of ignorance.
"Can you take a message for me?" the girl (who can be called Lira because Liranadestar is a worse mouthful than Sen's name) asked. "To Peresadestar of Nuriath? Tell him that Naranezolen of Oriath took me away to a city I don't know. I haven't been able to reach out to him the way I usually do. I can't understand why."
"Do you remember going to a room with a dome made of black stone?" Kaoren asked very carefully.
"No," Lira said, but then paused and looked confused. "Will you carry my message?" she asked, with a ferocious frown.
Kaoren looked from her to me. I was starting to feel pretty bad, achingly exhausted, like I hadn't been to sleep for years. His mouth was a flat line as he looked back at her, and he said, "The people you're speaking of have been dead for centuries. Muina was abandoned centuries ago. Nuriath lies in ruins."
She gave him a disbelieving glare, but was shaken by the calm certainty in Kaoren's eyes and then wavered and vanished. I woke myself up, and held out a hand for him, and shuddered from the effort of just that.
"She was using me as anchor to look here," I said, as he helped me sit up a little. "But she's projecting herself. Can she be dead, and yet project herself?"
I didn't get an answer to this – still haven't – and a technician bustled in with a fortifier and made me drink it until I passed out for the better part of a day. At least I was already in medical. Kaoren stayed with me most of the time, with Maze, Zan, Zee and Mara occasionally spelling him. I felt pretty damn gluggy when I finally woke up, and took a long, cold shower to try and pep myself up a little. It hasn't really worked, but they don't want me to go back to sleep as yet, and are making me periodically walk around to keep my circulation up.
Everyone's a little freaked out about how much energy the projection was costing me. If I was right about it being her dream, not mine, then I mightn't even be able to wake myself up from it. Since I didn't try, there's a lot of unease about what will happen if she uses me as an anchor again. She's considerably more powerful than me – or, rather, they think she's actively linked to the platforms and malachite marbles on Muina, because they reacted again during this dream – which is another thing freaking everyone out. No-one's allowed to use platforms except for emergencies.
There's been a lot of Cruzatch sightings in Pandora near-space – and Taren and Kolaren near-space – and everyone's on high alert. KOTIS Command is debating taking me back to Muina to see if that reduces the energy cost of the dreams, but they're worried about exposing me to Cruzatch attack, not to mention the possibility of me getting trapped in that dark place again. But waiting till I'm stronger is no longer the safest option.
I'm giving people ulcers on their ulcers.
On the positive news front, they've found another of the Arenrhon-type places in the zone where the satellite picked up power readings. And they've located Oriath on the old maps recovered from Kalasa and are going to send an expedition there to scout around.
I am very bored with being in medical now, and am going to try my hand at bullying Kaoren into letting me go back to our apartment, at least while I'm awake.
Friday, October 10
To Atanra
On the way back to Muina to see if the energy cost of my dreams is less there. More ping-ponging between planets. I don't see what else KOTIS could do, but I am starting to feel like one of a mob of squawking chickens, running back and forth, back and forth, trying to find a safe place because the sky is falling everywhere.
My interface is still turned off, and it's very strange travelling without it. Makes me feel very isolated, for all I have four full squads with me.
We did have quite a debate about the kids, since we're not going to Pandora, but to a newly built facility called Atanra (the word means 'passage') which is very near Muina's rift into deep-space and is intended as a staging ground for planetary arrivals and departures. They hurried construction along at least in part so they could keep me close to the rift in case I get trapped again. No platform, no handy Ddura you can summon to play guard dog. Lots of shielding and defences, presumably. Because it's not considered a 'safe' zone, the kids will be going on to Pandora. And because the squads no longer have any members on sick leave, they've been assigned a babysitter.