I released the door and made the lights go from black to dim. I didn't feel like getting out of bed – I felt sick and awful and hot – but didn't want to wait there like a kid clutching a teddy bear, so I met her at the door and she took one look at me and made me sit on the couch. She was dressed in a shirt and shorts, had obviously been in bed herself, and she sat down with me and squeezed me hard as Mori brought her into the channel we were sharing.
"I think mainly I'm angry they didn't warn me they were going to release so much," I said out loud, but that was a mistake because my voice sounded nearly as rawly betrayed as I felt and I missed a lot of the next bit because I was concentrating on not crying. It was about finding Pandora, and searching out my tower and setting up a home there. I began to calm down, for while it was still accurate, except for a dramatic Ming Cat stalking which hadn't happened at all, there wasn't anything in it which I hadn't described to several different people. Ketzaren rubbed my shoulder and watched, and when the next ad break came, just after the first moonfall, she said: "Mara's bringing us something hot to drink."
"Didn't want to wake people up," I said, unhappily. Part of the reason I was upset by then was because I'd
gotten
upset and caused a fuss, instead of just asking Maze about it the next day. "Feel like an overwrought baby lately, always having dramas."
"Stop holding yourself to such an impossibly high standard," Ketzaren said. "This whole year has been an extreme for you. You've adapted better than we could have hoped, but being lost again, hurt and alone and in such danger – you're not going to just get over it. Why are you expecting that of yourself? Are you still having nightmares?"
"Not as many."
"But too many, right? And now this. Believe me, this goes well beyond the limits of what's been officially released about you. And you end up feeling violated, feeling you can't even trust us, to talk to us and not have what you say repeated. And yet we're the only people you know enough to want to talk about it, and then you feel like you're burdening us by being upset."
"That transparent?"
"You're a straightforward person." She tugged at a wisp of my hair. "Myself, I'd be furious and want to hit things, but you don't seem to respond that way. Are you sure you want to watch the rest of this?"
"Will never get to sleep without knowing what else is in there." But then there would be next episode, and next episode. I realised I was shaking, literally sitting there shaking because of a TV show, and there was no way to hide that from Ketzaren.
The show played up the drama of me slowly getting sicker while trying to do practical survivor stuff. Mara arrived with some mugs of a hot drink which bore a vague resemblance to tea. Lots of sweetener. She and Ketzaren squeezed me between them even though they're not supposed to both touch me at once and we watched the improbably pretty girl decline into a exhausted and ill but possibly even prettier girl, and apparently have some prophetic visions of Pillars and stone gates during the second moonfall. Mara and Ketzaren felt me react to that, too, but there was no way I was explaining.
"It amazes me that she's still wearing those socks," I said into the shared channel during the next ad break, and my voice was almost normal. "The number of useful things I could have done with thigh-length socks, and all she does is wear them."
"Useful things like what?" Mori asked, sounding greatly relieved that I'd stopped having a breakdown.
"Could probably have made a sling – a way to throw rocks and things really hard and fast as a weapon. Or used one as a bag. Make good straps, too. She didn't even double them over as padding when she had blisters."
"Part of the image they're marketing," Glade said. "I expect the entire outfit can be purchased as cross-promotion."
The idea of thousands of Taren teenagers running around in sexed-up versions of my school uniform was pretty mind boggling. I shook my head, hoping that if ever Tare established communication with Earth they'll have lost all copies of this program before then.
It was hard to watch the next part. I've always been scared by the idea of madness, and those days after the second moonfall, when I grew increasingly convinced that there were things lurking around every corner, were still a confusing and unpleasant haze. I was very weak and felt like my mind was falling apart along with my body. I'd skimmed over this when talking to Isten Notra, but had obviously revealed more than I'd wanted. And then the Ddura, which I realise must have saved my life from the Ionoth trying to reach me, or whatever was going on before it arrived. Then a hazy still morning, and the scene was shown through the actress' eyes – two black-clad figures standing in her refuge looking down at her. They hadn't exactly matched Sonn and Ruuel in looks, but there was a definite similarity, particularly in the half-lidded eyes of the guy.
Then the viewpoint drew back, showed the three from the side, and switched to Sonn's viewpoint, looking down at a sick and unkempt (but still very beautiful) girl who was gazing up at them, fear and shock turning to joy on her face.
"Filthy creature," commented the fake Ruuel.
My jaw dropped. I could imagine Par, Mori and Glade's reactions.
"What do we do with her?" asked the fake Sonn (their names, according to the Setari mission overlay, were Lastier and Chane). "We don't have the time to waste on a stray."
"Put her down by the lake for collection. She's not our problem."
He went up the stairs to the roof, leaving 'Chane' to herd a frightened kittenish girl downstairs, making a big point of avoiding any attempt by the 'filthy creature' to touch her. The show finished with a scene of the girl sitting abandoned on a rock by the shore, clutching school bag to chest and staring at the ship out on the lake.
After 'Lastier' made his nasty comment, Mori had said hastily in text: "Ruuel didn't say anything like that, Caszandra," and I'd replied: "I know – I read mission report." When the closing credits began to run, she and Glade exploded, outraged. Even Par said something half-audible about it being so wrong. All of Fourth are totally loyal to Ruuel, and they couldn't stand him being shown in a false light.
"Poor Sonn," I said, when they paused for breath. "Ruuel not likely even blink at this, but Sonn will be really hurt. If you talk to her, make sure she knows I didn't think they were being nasty to me: they just looked like they were busy and hadn't expected to find me." When I'd watched the mission report, I'd realised it was more they hadn't expected to find me
alive
, after tracking my movements to the tower.
"Fourth is an unusual squad to have cast in the role of villain," Henaz said, sounding like she was trying very hard not to laugh. "But this is the most obvious and deliberate reflection of a real squad I've ever seen."
"And portions of that were an exact copy of the scene recorded on the mission log," Ketzaren added. "Which is the issue at hand. You'll hear the results of the investigation presently. Be assured that there is no suggestion that Fourth Squad's conduct was anything but correct."
"And on that note, we're well into our sleep shift," Mara put in. "Good night to you all." She dropped out of the channel, and after adding "Thanks for letting me know," I followed suit.
"Funny how two extra words can change tone of entire scene," I said. "That's almost exactly how Fourth did deal with me, but by adding two words it made it so they were horrible instead of just really busy."
"You've recovered a little," Ketzaren said, smiling. "No longer so shaken up?"
I shrugged and ducked my head. "It was the surprise, seeing that without any warning. I was expecting the story to be all wrong and totally made up."
"Instead of including something frightening you'd only told Lohn and I?" Mara asked, voice tight. "I'm so angry about this I could scream. Maze has been looking for ways to increase your sense of security and privacy, not destroy it. We did log that conversation, Caszandra, and Maze attached it to an evaluation report, but even Lohn and I can't look at the report. Outside the higher hierarchy, only captains can look at evaluation information, and then only on their own squad members, which in your case means three captains. None of it should be forming the basis of public broadcasts. I really don't know what's going on, but both you and Fourth Squad have every reason to be furious."
"Too tired now to get angry," I said. "Sorry to have made fuss in middle of sleep cycle."
"You think it would be better to work yourself into a state alone?" Ketzaren asked. "Part of being in a squad is supporting each other."
"I'll be sitting with you for a few hours," Mara added. "No arguments. Besides, it means Ketz gets to be the one to wake Maze and tell him there's been a security breach. It'll be easier on all of us if someone's with you."
I didn't really have the energy to argue, to try to convince Mara that I was fine, that I was coping. I'm starting to have to admit, at least to myself, that because of Kalasa, or just everything which has happened since my last day of exams, I'm not nearly okay.
I'm so glad Mara stayed, because I had the most horrendous nightmares, and it seemed like I could escape from them because she would hold my hand when I started thrashing around. Some time toward the end, Zee replaced Mara, and I woke up from this really awful dream – of being in a Roman colosseum with thousands of people watching me being eaten by lions – to find Zee sitting on the edge of my bed, a steadying hand on my arm.
She watched me blink at her, then felt my forehead. "Medical for you today, I think," she said, "and don't pull that face. I don't know if it's the fever causing the nightmares, or the nightmares causing the fever, but your temperature's definitely elevated. Did you dream so violently on Earth?"
"No. I used to have bad dreams when I was young, but nothing like this. Not even on Muina, though I did have nightmares. Started on really bad dreams after turning off Pillar – kind of remembering what happened, the bits I couldn't remember when I was awake. It had gone away, though–" I paused, flushing.
"Though should I talk about it in case it ends up turned into entertainment?"
More that I'd started having very intense dreams about Ruuel, which had made up for the nightmares, but this wasn't something I was going to admit, security breach or not. I shrugged and said: "I think I generally dream more intensely now. Or remember them better when I wake up. Did investigation into program get anywhere?"
"I've heard rumours, but there's nothing official. Get dressed and we'll have breakfast."
We ate in Zee's quarters. Maze came and joined us to talk over the program and how I felt about it. I said pretty bluntly that it made me want to not tell anyone anything, but that I knew that was an overreaction. I totally refused to talk to a psychologist though. I have nightmares because scary monsters were chasing me. If I have to talk about that, I'd far rather talk to Zee or Mara, not some random stranger.
Maze told me I shouldn't watch
The Hidden War
any more but I said there was no way I was going to miss Fourth Squad playing villains, and couldn't wait for the episode where the Nuran shows up and tries to save me. He knew I was teasing him, but I think I will watch it anyway, just not with other people watching with me. I get the feeling Maze has a good idea of how the people who make the program got the information, but he's not going to tell me anything until it's official. I hope he's right about nothing more leaking out.
Right now I'm stuck on a sense-bed in medical, while they run more scans on me. They want me to go to sleep later so they can scan me while I'm having a dream, but I'm seriously not keen on that because what if I dream about Ruuel?
I hope I was right about him not caring about the show. He'll probably be annoyed because it will upset his squad, but would surely shrug off anything else. I'm so glad I'd watched the mission log, and knew immediately that he hadn't said that. I find it difficult to imagine him actually saying something gratuitous and insulting, whether he thought it or not.
I
was
really grubby, after all. Just thinking about it makes me want a hot bath and lots of scented soap.
Monday, May 19
Careful what you say
Nothing useful from all the scanning and testing. My temperature went down, and though I was tired I found it hard to fall asleep. They eventually gave me a mild sedative and I'm not sure I dreamed at all. They had me come back today as well and this time I could fall asleep naturally. My sleep schedule is completely messed up. I dreamed about being lost in a shopping mall, I think – it was a bit of a jumble. They've cleared me to go back to what I was doing, anyway, and my scheduled testing with the remaining squads is on again (though Thirteenth has been pushed to the end instead of the beginning).
I think the sleep tests were skewed for failure. First because I didn't
want
to have any intense dreams and was consciously or subconsciously trying not to. And second, I wasn't really upset any more, and I mostly have the worst nightmares when I'm upset or stressed out. That's the reason people usually have bad nightmares, anyway.
Mori came and visited me this afternoon – Fourth Squad is back on duty tomorrow. She's still really pissed off, and was worked up about an interview with the actor who is playing fake Ruuel. In the interview he talked about the incredible schedule they'd been keeping to produce the show so quickly, and how much he enjoyed the role, and that one of the reasons
The Hidden War
was so powerful was because it refused to show the Setari as bland, one-sided heroes without any faults. That even out-and-out villains can risk their lives protecting others.
I thought this terribly funny, but tried not to show it too much because Mori was genuinely upset on Ruuel's behalf. I'm willing to bet Ruuel's the least upset in Fourth right now. The main reason the squad's so worked up is that it's so similar to what happened, and certainly within KOTIS everyone knows it was Fourth Squad who found me. Plus, the kittenish actress is playing 'Caszandra Devlin'. In the interview with her she said that the producers had decided it would be foolish to rename such a major historical figure. And
The Hidden War
has portrayed the people who found me as being severe pricks. I can only hope that they're just playing up 'villain aspects' for drama, and will tone it down later. After all, Ruuel did save my life when I wandered off into the spaces.