Tuesday, May 13
Facing facts
About five minutes after he woke up, Maze sent me a chat message asking if he could come talk to me. I said 'Sure', but as soon as he walked in, I asked: "Have I been put on a higher level of monitoring?"
"You're on a live vitals monitor," he said, not missing a step as he came to sit with me in my window seat. "And locations monitor. A greatly elevated heartbeat at the bottom of the training pool was guaranteed to gain attention."
"Extra monitoring permanent?"
"Few things are permanent." He sighed, looking me over. "I know it chafes you, Caszandra. And that you're used to a great deal more independence than we're likely to ever permit you. But even if you were fully recovered, I'd prefer you not try such experiments alone."
"Needed to do that alone, in case
have
to do it alone," I said, stubbornly. "Agree probably shouldn't have gone so far down."
I could see him decide not to argue the point, instead shifting to the reason I had to think about it at all. "The aerial search for Kalasa has only just begun," he said. "Are you so certain we'll fail to find it?"
"Fairly sure," I said. "Would rather not pretend it's not strong possibility that will have to get back on platform. Easier to prepare for worst and then be glad if doesn't happen."
He had to concede that was common sense, and we talked a while about the likely approach if they can't find Kalasa any way except through me. Finding Kalasa as quickly as possible is one of the highest priority tasks on Muina, because if there's one place that's sure to have information about the platforms and Pillars, it's the place the platforms all lead.
If they do decide to try and use the platforms to get there, they'll first see if it's another level of 'security clearance' and whether it's possible for me to give the Setari clearance. If that doesn't work, it will get a good deal more chancy, and most likely they'd give me some kind of weapon (and food and water and a breather and a really powerful location booster), and then see if I can bring through a Setari in physical contact with me.
They're not keen on that option. But Maze admitted that it was possible I would be asked to do it. We went off to breakfast, and then he had to go do captainly things and I had medical appointments and later training with Mara. I'm feeling better than yesterday. Going into the water was a hurdle I needed to get through, and though I think it'll be a while before I go swimming for fun, I at least know I can handle it.
I'm coping.
Wednesday, May 14
Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
I think last Sunday was Mother's Day. I was so caught up I forgot all about it. So happy belated Mother's Day, Mum. I probably would have bought you another flowering plant, since I know you like them better than cut flowers. Francesca, maybe, since the last one met a sudden death by Jules.
I've thrown myself back into my school work. For one thing, passing certain tests are a requirement for 'adulthood' here. It's a combination of age and ability. They're not particularly difficult tests, apparently, but I'd hate to be permanently considered to require special care.
And I don't see why I have to have medical tests every single damn day. First Squad are making sure I eat most of my meals with at least one of them, which strikes me as a sufficient stray health check.
Thursday, May 15
Traces of me
They chose Fourteenth Squad today. Alaz was made their Ena Manipulation specialist. Fourteenth is another exploration specialty squad, and I've been booked in to test with them tomorrow.
Their Captain is called Kin Lara, and I feel a little weird that he has my old room. Especially since he has four Sights (not Sight Sight) and who knows what he'll pick up sleeping in my old bed? I'm glad I haven't really been using that room for a while.
I hope it's a squad I get along with. At least there's someone I know already. Alaz wasn't exactly friendly with me during the Rana Junction expedition, but at least she'll be familiar.
Friday, May 16
Fourteenth Squad
A good session today.
We met in the usual test room. I went a little earlier than usual to meet up with Nils Sayate from Second, who is trying to teach me how to make illusions. Lessons are my present from him: he gave me a choice between foot rubs and lessons and I chose the lessons because I don't really trust Nils to give me foot rubs. I mean, I think he's in love with Zee, but sometimes I'm not altogether sure he's just teasing when he flirts with me.
Occasionally the only thing which keeps me from flirting back is that I'm pretty sure Zee is in love with him too. But I do think about it sometimes. In a way I think a couple of nights with Nils would be good for me. It would certainly be educational.
He's very professional about the lessons though, which have all been visualisation exercises so far. He's got a great voice for talking through what you're supposed to be visualising: smoky and evocative. I completely failed to make any illusions, possibly because I'm far less professional and kept thinking about foot rubs. But Nils told me that Illusion-casting is one of the hardest talents to master and that I shouldn't give up, and he'd try talking me through every few weeks. I'm still not entirely convinced I have any kind of Illusion talent, but I don't mind trying. It would be nice to be able to
show
the things I'm talking about when trying to describe Earth.
Fourteenth Squad arrived in a group, and came across to introduce themselves. Their captain, Lara, was so very relaxed he was almost unconscious, and I really liked the sleepy smile he gave me. He totally didn't act like someone who'd only been a captain for a single day, taking his squad through the tests as if he'd been doing the same thing every day for the last year.
It was interesting working with a squad where everyone was my age or a year younger. Except for Lara, they were still tremendously correct and upright during the session, but I felt less like a pet or mascot and more of a peer. I liked them. I hope all my future test sessions are so comfortable.
Saturday, May 17
Slowly shifting back to normal
Mara stepped up my training today, and also took me on a tour of the gym facilities the Setari use. I knew they had to be doing weights training somewhere. She explained how to use the machines, but doesn't want me to use the place without someone with me. No fear of that: although there were only a couple of people from Tenth Squad there today, the chances of me ending up alone in a gym with Fifth or Seventh Squad are too great for me to ever risk using the place without minders.
I'm due to test with Thirteenth Squad tomorrow, and my next week has been mapped out with testing with the few squads I haven't worked with. Mara says they still don't know if I'll be put back on rotations or not, and surprised me by asking my preferences. I usually don't get to have any input on these decisions, so suspect this is more catering to my psychological aspects. Since my excursion to Kalasa, everyone's pretty much decided I'm a delicate little flower on the verge of collapse. Even Mara is more careful with me than she used to be. That's what I get for crying on a mission log.
I said I'd prefer to go on rotation so long as it was with First Squad. It's a more positive thing to do than fretting about nightmares, and I worry about them. They're looking tired.
Sunday, May 18
Fifteen minutes plus
A little after "my" midnight, just as I was settling into bed for the night, Mori sent me a text channel request: "You may be interested in this."
Surprised, I opened the channel to find Mori, Glade, and Par, as well as Seeli Henaz from Eighth Squad in channel. I don't know Henaz well, but I think she's Mori's particular friend and maybe Glade's almost-girlfriend.
"Which?"
"This is an extra-length special episode," Mori said, popping up a link in channel, and I opened it to find the middle of the opening credits of
The Hidden War
.
"Still years behind on show," I said, though I was beginning to suspect why Mori had felt the need to call me.
"From the episode preview, we think they've based a character on you," Glade said.
"Inevitable, I guess," I said, making sure to sound totally unfussed about it. And I wasn't, really. It's nothing that wouldn't happen on Earth. "Kind of used to people making up things about me."
"You can tell us what they've gotten wrong," Mori said, sounding pleased. "We comment in text, and chat during the breaks."
I thought it sweet of her to have made sure I knew about it, so stuck around even though it would mess up my sleep schedule again. Taren entertainments have two release 'broadcasts' in different shifts which have commercials in them but are free, and then the show is available to watch for a fee (like twenty cents), without commercials. It was very common for people to watch the release in channel groups, though not necessarily to make fun of the show like Mori and Glade. I'm not sure if Par watches it because he likes it or just to keep Glade company. It's one of the most successful entertainments on Tare at the moment, and I've been enjoying watching it, though I'd taken a break from it because it was full of the main character being picked on by other Kalrani competing to be selected for the next Setari squad, and I kept getting stuck on the thought of people bullying Zan. I can only guess what Zan would think of me thinking about her that way. It's not like she's not incredibly deadly and competent in her own right.
The special episode started with a girl walking out of nowhere onto a hill and being all astonished, staring about her. She was tallish, with brown hair, but that's where the resemblance to me ended. This girl was much, much (much) better looking. Pointed chin, huge, dark eyes, gorgeous bones and skin and figure: a kind of Russian look, which I think is very rare here. I was totally distracted by the way she was dressed, with a vaguely correct school blazer and a white shirt, but no tie, and a micro-miniskirt with long dark blue socks that came up to mid-thigh. Seems
The Hidden War
isn't above a little fan service.
"Would get sent home if turned up to school wearing skirt that short," was all I said in channel, and moved on to wondering if they'd gone to Muina to film this, since it was quite obviously hills in the same region as Pandora, except just starting to turn colours – wherever they'd sourced the images from, it wasn't in the late Autumn of the last few weeks. I could hardly believe they'd managed to produce a whole program about me in the short time since news of my existence was released.
Other than the silly outfit, I didn't mind the way they were portraying me. Upset, but not totally hysterical, calling out in a nonsense-language and looking bewildered and sitting down for a while before growing resolute. She picked a direction and started out that way, scoring marks on the trees with a rock, which I hadn't thought to do. I was impressed with the relative correctness of her school bag and how the first problem she ran into was blisters, and they even had her doing an inventory of what she was carrying, and writing in a diary as the sun set.
Her writing was nonsense characters which looked like shorthand to me, with subtitles translating fragments such as: "Where is this place? I'm sure this isn't Urth. All I can do is keep pushing on until I find civilisation – but what if I'm the only one here?"
There was a commercial break after that, and we chatted in-channel about how the actress was good at looking scared and lost and determined, and the things I'd done which they obviously hadn't thought about (mainly checking my mobile, and finding out that I had not nearly enough tissues to serve as toilet paper on an alien world – though I didn't bother to mention that to everyone), and we made guesses at the mechanics of how they'd created the program, since they were all sure that no on-location filming had or would be permitted for some time. Glade was full of explanations of how they'd have done the computer simulations based on the officially released surveys.
After that fake-me's journey was 'fast forwarded', cutting several days into a series of shots of worse blisters, and trying random berries and nuts, attempting to weave a basket and a mat and make a hat, and avoiding animals, then staring at the moon with its very un-Earth-like hole. I started to be less impressed about the accuracy of the show around the time the actress climbed up a tree to avoid a pack of small yellow dogs, and they went to the next break after a longer scene where she was lying under a mat of woven reeds, the 'screen' filled with darkness and all you could hear was something walking toward her, the crackle of the reed mat bending under the unseen thing's weight, and its breathing as it stood above her and she tried to hold her own breath and not to cry. Extremely effective.
I couldn't even talk after that. Not for the bad memories but because I'd told only Isten Notra about the yellow dogs, and only Lohn and Mara about that horrible night when I nearly died from the sheer anticipation of being eaten. That was the same time I'd talked to them about how upset it would make me to be cloned. Mori and Glade were being impressed with the show, but when they started to chat I said in text: "That really happen. Only told that two people. Lots of this happen."
There was a brief pause, then Glade said: "Are you in quarters, Caszandra?" He wouldn't know because Fourth's still on leave and most people don't have the rights to do pinpoint location tracking.
"Yes. Supposed to be asleep. How many people can access complete KOTIS file about me?"
"I'll ask," he said. "Don't leave the channel, all right?"
The ad break had only just finished when Ketzaren – the only member of First Squad not asleep – sent me a text saying: "Can I come in?"