Zee stayed with me for my very low-impact training session with Mara, and then the whole squad came together for dinner. We ate something resembling doubled-over pizza in Maze's quarters, the first time I'd been in there. I thought initially that he had no decoration in his public space at all, but every so often a bird flies across the room or patters around the floor, and treats the walls like they're curtains it can hide behind. And there was a picture spot, which flicked through images of a whole bunch of people who looked like Maze, reminding me that the Setari all have families outside KOTIS. A few excess objects, a nice bowl on the table, an odd-looking wire statue. If there was anything which had belonged to his wife, I couldn't tell.
None of First Squad seems to think all the revelation of the day will have any major consequences. I made sure to not act upset, and I didn't really need to act. It does seem very distant and not part of my life and at least most of it is positive. The spin KOTIS put out about Earth being Muina's 'sister' planet seems to have held. But the pictures were another reminder that even ignoring second level monitoring, I don't have any real privacy and I'm coming under more and more scrutiny. Everything I do, everything I say and see and hear, is recorded. Even this diary, well-protected by its barrier of foreign words, will stop being any kind of secret if the Tarens learn English from me (or other people from Earth).
I did figure out a solution to my worries about the record made of files I access. I just watch my conversation with my family over and over again. Not only does it make me feel better to see Mum, but anyone compiling statistics on my access patterns will be sure to put it down to 'watches encounter with family' not 'gazes mournfully at Kaoren Ruuel'. I always make sure to stop as soon as I move away from my family, then start again from the first time I see them.
This makes me sound really lame. But it does help to be able to look at him, and I would find it pretty unbearable to have my pathetic, one-sided crush exposed for everyone in KOTIS to laugh about, let alone risking it becoming public gossip. I don't care at all if gossips make up patently false stories about me and every second Kolaren I talk to, but Ruuel
matters
.
It seems like forever since I had one of the really good dreams about him, but every damn day I wake up knowing he's not there.
Thursday, May 22
Eleventh Squad
Eleventh Squad today: a team I'd only seen the once at the big parade where they demonstrated me to all the Setari. Didn't go too badly. Their captain is a girl called Seq Endaran, who contacted me before the testing session and introduced herself before walking down to the test room with me to meet her squad members: Couran – Path Sight, Gate Sight; Genera – Ena manipulation; Wen, Seeth, Dava – combat. They're a big-hitting squad, lots of big elemental talents. I started out giving Endaran points for good manners and feeling very positive, and she didn't do anything to change my mind, but she also seemed kind of pleased with herself. I don't know, maybe it's just that so many of the big hitting squads love being able to hit even harder. The only person in the squad who really stood out for me was Wen, who just was very calm and cheerful, watching the testing session like it was a good special effects movie.
I've tested with so many squads now the faces are beginning to blur together.
Enhancing elemental talents takes a lot more out of me than Speed and Sights. I don't even seem to get tired after a session which doesn't involve elementals, but bring on a big-hitting squad and it's a guaranteed afternoon nap.
Incredible storm outside. Black as pitch, lots of lightning, horizontal rain trying to pound the world to dust. I'm amazed the Tarens survived their early years here.
Friday, May 23
A little light gossip
Tomorrow's the next episode of
The Hidden War
(the week here is six days). Mori asked me if I'd like to join them in watching it, but I said I'd pass. Not that I'm not going to watch it, but I plan to keep my breakdowns to myself from now on. We chatted about the big media storm, and how strange it was for some of the squads to have their images out there properly and how some of the drawings that people had made (Tare isn't above fan art of every variety) had once bothered Mori a great deal, but she'd grown to care about it a lot less.
Mori also said that I was right about Sonn being very upset. The episode had shown her as an obedient henchman to Ruuel's villain, and though no words were put in her mouth she was taking it badly. Ruuel's only comment, apparently, has been to say that he expected them to have more sense. He's been working Fourth unusually hard, though, which is the same tactic Mara uses on me when she thinks I'm fretting.
I wondered if the other squads – particularly Fifth – had been openly enjoying themselves at Fourth's expense, but Mori hasn't reached the point of being willing to talk about other squads with me. And I, in turn, am far too cautious to ever directly question her about Ruuel.
Generally a quiet day for me. Training with Mara, and medical tests, which are fortunately becoming a trifle less frequent. Lots of reading about me, and also about Arenrhon. Since the Lantarens were very unpopular on Tare and Kolar anyway, all this has done has confuse people and confirm their opinions that the Lantarens were to blame for the loss of Muina.
Saturday, May 24
Tenth Squad
Tenth Squad today. Tenth was the squad who went with Twelfth to rescue everyone at the Pillar. It brought a lot of memories back to work with them again. Their squad leader, Haral, is this calm, soft-spoken guy and I'd already had a demonstration of him being very good in an emergency.
We went through the testing quite thoroughly, even though all of Tenth had enhanced with me during the retrieval, and then did a bit of managing-the-stray combat training 'since we're here'. Tenth has a Telekinesis talent, Mane, and a Levitation talent, Tens, who are both female and shorter than me and we were all finding it funny working out comfortable ways for them to cart me about.
Another team lunch afterwards, and again lots of questions about Kalasa. It's always easy to the spot the captain in the squad: the one keeping a watchful eye on me to see if I'm going to burst into tears. I don't particularly mind talking about Kalasa, though I do wonder why the Setari feel the need to ask me questions when they've obviously all watched the log of me stumbling around the place. I was glad when it turned into a more general discussion about the Lantarens, and whether the people at Arenrhon were some kind of weird sub-cult or something known to all Lantarens.
I started to fall asleep, so Haral sent his squad off and escorted me back to my quarters.
"Thank you for indulging them," he said, as we rode the elevator down. "Are you facing the same interrogation from every squad you test with?"
"Some still in the must-be-very-proper stage," I said, and he gave me an amused smile.
"We're working to adapt. We've been very well trained to deal with Ionoth, and each other, but not extraordinary girls from other worlds who keep completely altering the scope of our lives."
"Am pretty typical Australian," I said, opening my door to hide my embarrassment.
"Oztralya must be a disconcerting place, then," he said, then was distracted by a really spectacular lightning bolt outside. "There's certainly few on Tare who could bear that in their living quarters, for instance. Let alone survive what you've endured."
His voice was still soft and calm, but very definite, and I was all of a sudden aware that he was an attractive person my own age, and these were my rooms. But I pushed all that aside and just said: "Is a thick window." Blushing madly, of course.
He smiled again, nodded, and left. After the door closed, I shut off the lights and sat in my window seat, watching another incredible lightning bolt.
I couldn't decide if Haral was just being straightforwardly complimentary, or quietly indicating that he rather liked and admired me. Something in the way he'd said it just felt...charged. He is a Lightning talent, heh.
It's hard to decide how I feel about the possibility. I was impressed by Haral during the retrieval, and I liked the comfortable way he worked with me today. He's sort of relaxing, made me feel at ease. He's fairly typical Taren in looks: golden skin and black hair, though with just the faintest hint of a curl, and his eyes are a clear, light brown. Like all the Setari, he looks very fit and impressive in his uniform. I would have felt immensely happy, back on Earth, if someone like him had shown any sign of liking me.
I fell asleep on my window seat, under the lightning, and dreamed of Ruuel. Not one of the good dreams, but of being in a palace full of towers and balconies, looking for him. I'd see him through a window and spend a small forever finding my way to where he was, but by the time I got there he was gone. Over and over, and I knew he was doing it deliberately, leaving whenever I came near him, and I woke up crying and ashamed.
Frankly, I'd rather have the dreams about lions. I really need to accept what my subconscious seems to be trying to tell me. Wish I could figure out how to do that, and stop working myself up like this.
I slept way too long – it's quite late. The next episode of
The Hidden War
is in a few hours. I don't know if I'll watch it after all.
Sunday, May 25
Endorphins
I wasn't paying enough attention in training today and got a big whack on my shoulder. Mara made me do push-ups for punishment, which I was oddly pleased about, since it means she considers me recovered enough to punish.
I'm in a more optimistic mood today than I have been for a while. I read back through a lot of my diary last night, and decided that, after all, I haven't been chasing after Ruuel. I've never gone looking for him, or bugged him. I just think about him a lot and who does that hurt? Him being woken up because of my swimming experiment was bothering me, I suspect. The higher-ups seem to consider him my assigned captain when First Squad isn't around, but I can be careful not to do anything which might require a lecture when First is on rotation, and that should fix that problem. I'm damned if I'm going to keep feeling bad about liking Ruuel if I do absolutely nothing to bother him.
My overall health really effects my mood too. Concentrating on school and training helps, and though the training leaves me sore and wiped out, it's also an active, positive thing. I felt so sporty today, having one of the Setari's physiotherapists rubbing their equivalent of Tiger Balm onto my back and doing some painful poking-fingers-into-muscles which hurt in a good way. And I doubt I would have survived all that swimming if I hadn't been fitter than I was on Earth, so I'll focus on at least getting back to that level as my next goal.
The Hidden War
episode turned out to be uneventful, switching back to the characters from the main cast doing another mission. There was a brief mention of 'Squad Indigo' and a mission to Muina to investigate a Ddura. They called Lastier 'that cold bastard' and mentioned that all Indigo had achieved on the trip was to find a stray, but the episode's focus was firmly on other things.
It's really hard not to compare the various squads of
The Hidden War
to the real ones. The main character reminds me of Mori.
Monday, May 26
Sixth Squad
Sixth Squad today. They were the squad who'd been stationed outside the Pillar space when it all went pear-shaped. They'd sent Quane to get help, and went in to try and rescue people and fight off the Ionoth, only to all succumb. Ammas, their Telekinesis talent, had died. All that made me a little nervous about testing with them.
Their captain is a girl named Cormin, who had a touch of Taarel about her in terms of her air of command. She looked more Amerind than Asian, and was very decisive and efficient. Her attitude toward me was quietly polite but distant, and her squad followed her lead and were all very courteous but not remotely inclined to chat. A girl called Jorion has replaced Ammas, and she kept glancing at me when she thought I was turned away, a puzzled, evaluating look. I wonder if I'll ever find out why. I never found out why Anya found me so annoying. I think it's probably best not to spend too much energy trying to work these things out unless I'm assigned to a squad. There's eighty-four active Setari, and every one of them is going to have an opinion about the enhancing stray.
Only Thirteenth left now, and nothing at all in my calendar next week. They obviously haven't decided what to do with me. All this testing, but I'm not entirely sure they'll allow me back into the spaces, even with First Squad. I also think they've had orders not to take me out into the city – First collected me for dinner again tonight, but in Mara's quarters.
Tuesday, May 27
World of Mystery
I bought some fancy interface games today. I've been hesitating over joining an online game, but most them use voice chat, and I just can't make myself sound enough like a Taren to risk that, even with the cool voice modifiers you can use to get in-character.
I'm also entirely uncertain whether I would be allowed to join: I've never tried to post on a public forum or communicate outside KOTIS, and that's not just because I'm worried about the reaction of whoever I talk to. I've never been specifically forbidden to, but the Setari aren't allowed to reveal their identities, and the Kalrani aren't allowed to post on public forums at all. I don't particularly want to deal with being ordered not to talk to people. I'm a lot more settled than I was, but I'm avoiding confrontations and upsets. I really don't like how I've been feeling since Kalasa, and I don't want to push myself just now.