That was a more bearable approach than I'd been fearing. I'd half expected to be stuck back in medical having nightmares for dozens of interested greysuits. I think Ruuel felt me relax a little, because he nodded, then waited while Ista Chemie pressed a cold tube – headache stuff – against my arm.
"To which end, we'll start with a visualisation technique," he said. "Close your eyes." He waited until I (reluctantly) did, his hand still on my shoulder. "Now, think of a place which you associate with calm and safety." He paused, then with a slightly different note to his voice, said: "Think of the stream with otters, near Pandora. Picture walking along the shore of the lake toward it. The stones beneath your feet crunch and click, and there is a cool mist against your skin. A bird makes a noise to your right, the sound lifting into the air. There is a tumble of rock ahead, marked by a small pile of pebbles. You approach in silence, seeing the stream, shaded and half-real. You sit carefully on the rock. It is rough beneath one hand, and through the cold you take in the scent of some unknown greenery you crushed on your last step. The water murmurs as you wait, and you keep yourself still, searching for movement in the liquid shadows."
I dreamed of otters. Of sitting watching otters, with Ruuel beside me, just as had really happened, except he had his hand on my shoulder, and I could feel the warmth of him. The tight, sick dread faded completely out of memory. After a long while Maze came and sat on my other side, and Ruuel went away. Then Alay swapped for Maze, and then Mara curling an arm around my waist. Then I woke up and Mara was there, sitting on a chair which had been brought into the test room.
"Bet you never guessed how much babysitting involved in this job," I said.
"Tch – there's so many reports to read that an excuse to sit down is never a bad thing." She looked me over as I wriggled out of the embrace of the sense-bed (which always tends to mould itself around me a little too tightly if I lay too still for too long). "Feeling better?"
I nodded, though couldn't quite resist a glance at the ceiling. "Just really hungry. We allowed to leave?"
"I knew those dreams had to be serious for you to volunteer to go anywhere near medical," she said. "Yes, they've cleared you for the moment."
Happy to escape, I detoured back to my quarters to shower and change (and, to be honest, so Mara was with me when I went back there). Then to the canteen, where I was intent on eating two or three breakfasts. Going to the canteen these days is a big contrast to my first few weeks of visits, because now that I've tested with all the squads it's rare that people don't at least say hello. Mara picked at a light lunch until I came up for air, watching me critically.
"The technicians, once they'd recovered from the shock, managed to identify two synapse patterns active while you were sleeping. One is very similar to Ena manipulation, though they don't believe it is quite the same talent. The other you continued to use, even when you stopped dreaming of the massive. It's the same area of your brain which was active when your sight was blurring at Arenrhon. What was your last dream about?"
"Watching otters – exactly what Ruuel told me to picture. Guess I'm pretty easily influenced." I paused, draining the last of the tangy drink I like. "Did Maze come and sit with me after Ruuel? And then Alay, and then you?"
"Well, that confirms that you can tell we're there."
"That's what I dreamed. But I don't seem to notice the technicians."
"The strength of the Setari's affinity to the Ena is probably the deciding factor. First and Fourth will be primarily assigned to, ah, babysitting you, with Second and Third in reserve. Anyone else you're comfortable enough with to include?"
"Zan. Think training really make me stop having nightmares?"
"Possibly. Some Sight talents are plagued by dreams, and Sights discipline at least isn't likely to hurt you. There's been some hesitation about actively training you with the Ena manipulation talent in case it strengthens whatever you did to return to your home world."
"Or lets me make real tentacles, instead of just noises."
"That too." Mara shook her head. "The thought that you might dream yourself to death is hardly comforting. At any rate, we're going to increase your fitness training, and add fairly intensive Sights training – even though we're not entirely certain what Sight it is we're training you for. Between that, some weapons training, in case they do go ahead with attempting to locate Kalasa through you." She grinned. "And you're not to listen to any of Nils' offers to help you get to sleep."
"Zee wouldn't forgive me," I said, trying to be all nonchalant, though I could feel myself blushing.
"Zee isn't involved with Nils Sayate," Mara said, lifting her eyebrows.
"Would still matter to her."
Mara didn't comment about that, but she didn't deny it either. Instead she spent the day working me into the ground – and making me really regret eating such a large breakfast. She and Ketzaren tag-teamed me till well into the afternoon, with the rest of First Squad showing up for dinner, and then we all played an interface game, a memory game with puzzles. I wasn't too bad at the memory, but hopeless at half of the puzzles. It was really a lot of fun, though.
Mara asked me if I wanted her to stay when I went to bed, and I was more than a little tempted, but I told her that I was going to try thinking of otters and see if that worked.
"But glad knowing someone come wake me up if gets bad," I said.
She gave me a strange smile and hugged me. "I'm glad you still trust us enough to talk to," she said, and her voice was angry. "That wretched program, so badly timed–" She made an exasperated noise and drew back. "Just remember that you're with friends. There's never a need to hide when you're hurting."
It's hard not to be pleased that Mara considers me a friend. Not so good is how obviously worried about me she is. I'm not doing a good enough job hiding how close I am to falling apart. Because I'm back to being more than a useful enhancing stray. I'm yet again an irreplaceable key to part of Muina. Worse, I'm someone who can hurt people. I don't want to be someone who can hurt people. I don't know if I can even stop myself from hurting
me
. Talking about it a little to Mara helped, but if I let anyone know that being alone in my quarters outright scares me, they might park me permanently in medical.
As it is, I'm going to sleep in my window seat.
Fortunately, a few minutes ago Third Squad arrived back from Muina. Eeli sent a channel request and then overwhelmed me with excited burble trying to update me on everything they'd been doing (mainly continuing the exploration of Nurioth, and surveying widely around Pandora), and also asking me all these questions about the massive fight. Eventually I figured out that she was particularly happy that I'd said that the Third Squad captain was the best-looking Setari. She adores Taarel so.
It's hard not to feel upbeat after talking to Eeli.
There's a new
The Hidden War
episode tonight, but even though I slept really late into my shift, all the exercise makes me doubtful I'll be able to hold out till it airs. Far more interesting to me is that my calendar filled up while I was chatting to Eeli. The inevitable medical exams, lots of exercising with First Squad, and a couple of sessions of weapons training with someone called Perrin Drake. And Sights training every day with Ruuel.
Strangely enough, my first reaction wasn't positive. Not that I like him any less – more than ever, in fact – and I don't doubt he'll be as good a teacher as he is a captain. But it will be like when I was attached to Fourth Squad on Muina. I'll be an assignment and the assignment will end and I'll be someone else's problem for a while. I can't think of any way to guard against that.
And I don't want to associate Ruuel with tests and experiments, for him to ring a bell and see if I drool on cue. I don't want him to be the one treating me as a lab rat.
Not that I get any choice. Tonight I'll replay him telling me to think about otters, and probably feel just as surprised and glad that he remembered that so distinctly.
I can still feel his hand.
June
Sunday, June 1
Pedestal, schmedestal
I was right to worry about being treated as an experiment by Ruuel.
The day started well enough. I was pleased with myself for succeeding in dreaming of otters, and in a calm frame of mind. There was an email from Nenna waiting for me, and after I read it I had to go and watch last night's
The Hidden War
episode, because Nenna's email was an apology for it.
To think I used to think it would be cool to go on reality TV. Nothing makes me feel less like myself than to watch my introduction to Tare turned into entertainment.
It wasn't as bad as Nenna obviously felt. The entire episode was from Nenna's point of view (or a thinly disguised version of Nenna called Senna) and was all about her Dad bringing home a stray to foster. Since most of my time with the Lents wouldn't have been detailed on my file, it was pretty obvious the scriptwriters had sat down with Nenna, and maybe the rest of her family, and had her describe everything I'd said and done while I was there. From the level of embarrassment in Nenna's email, I'm presuming she got paid for it.
The episode was really about Nenna, about what it had been like for an ordinary Taren girl to have an alien stray added to her family. They'd even written in a boyfriend for her, just so he could be caught ogling the stray's legs and make 'Senna' feel conflicted. And there were all these conversations I'd never heard, so didn't know if they were true. Did Nenna's sister protest the idea of her father taking in a stray in the first place? Did the Lents really have a doubtful discussion about my difficulties with the language and how little I seemed to be progressing? The actress's very fractured Taren is being used as a source of comedy and cuteness, far more appealing than the reality – it helps when the person saying things backward and being barely comprehendible is a gorgeous, kittenish girl with huge eyes, and the words she uses incorrectly tend to be mild double entendres or accidentally witty.
I wonder what Earth's copyright position is on the songs I'd played to people from my phone being used in Taren television shows? It was very weird to hear Gwen Stefani and the Portal closing credits song being used in a Taren show. I could tell from the brief explanation given for the Portal song that my lab rat is definitely going to feature in upcoming episodes.
They showed Nenna and me falling and getting hurt, and then it stayed with Nenna for her first few days in hospital, scared and guilty and angry, and facing arduous rehabilitation work. If she'd been relying on Earth's level of medical technology, she'd be in a wheelchair for life and that would be my fault. Of course, on Earth people don't teleport and neither of us would have been hurt.
Instead of replying to Nenna's email, I sent her a channel request and ended up chatting to her for half an hour. The fact that she'd spoken to the writers didn't bother me nearly as much as the thought of her hating me, and I was incredibly relieved that blaming me for her injuries wasn't the reason she hadn't returned my emails. [I was also more than a little relieved to know that KOTIS wasn't blocking my emails, which had occurred to me more than once.]
Once she was sure that I really wasn't upset, Nenna reverted to the girl I was more familiar with, and immediately started trying to pump me about the Setari. I did tell her there was someone in Third Squad who reminded me so much of her, but figured it was best to wriggle out of telling her any real detail.
First Squad were on rotation today, but that didn't stop Mara from snaffling me before they were due to go out and throwing balls at me, and then ordering me to go through some of the junior grade combat exercises after lunch (there's lots of interfaced-based training I can follow – I don't actually need any of the Setari to stand over me to do it). And in this case I was glad to do it because I really needed to not concentrate on upcoming training with Ruuel.
I may as well have been fourteen and going on my first date, I was so keyed up. Since Fourth Squad's on the next shift from mine, my Sights training is scheduled for late afternoon for me, and first thing in the 'morning' for Ruuel. It's so hard to be sensible about getting to see him. I ended up taking a needle-cold shower to distract me from the waiting, and filled in the last of the time brushing my hair a few thousand strokes and braiding it into a French braid so that I could at least look all efficient and businesslike.
The area where I was supposed to meet him was a new one to me, a series of rooms off a single corridor, all with observation windows. 'Sights Training'. I was booked in room five, but was distracted by room three, which had two Kalrani weaving their way through it. It was a kind of obstacle course, but with moving sections. I can only suppose it helps train Combat Sight. Suitably padded, but I bet it was no fun being hit by swinging beams – let alone falling to the ground from the more aerial parts. I can only hope that none of my training ever takes me into such a room, because the gymnastic expertise required looks to be Olympic level.
I'd been watching a couple of minutes when Ruuel arrived, standing to my right and just a little behind. I'd been having grim and dramatic thoughts about the reasons the Kalrani were pushing themselves so hard and asked: "How many have died in training?"
"Five. Put this on."
He looked like he was in a bad mood, which was not the way to make me look forward to the session. Ruuel with his eyes nearly shut is best avoided, especially when he hands you a blindfold by way of greeting. Nanoliquid too, so that when I reluctantly held it up to my eyes and touched the ends together it oozed under my fingers, then flowed down to cover my ears as well. Yuck. It was extremely effective, and very disorienting. All I could hear was my heartbeat, and I could see nothing at all.